


Anchors to Reality

by mozukki



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2018-08-27 02:20:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 109,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8384215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mozukki/pseuds/mozukki
Summary: If Lance ever runs into Keith again, he's want to show him the best version of himself, to show that their break-up meant something. However the opportunity presents itself too soon when he becomes neighbours with Keith. Lance is scrambling to glue himself together to show Keith a decent front but Keith hardly bats an eyelash to the dolled-up Lance because he's too focus working on himself and furthering his career. They have come to terms with some things changing and some things staying stagnant—a process that doesn't sit well with both of them but something they have to accept because it's life and they have to live it, even if it means being separated from each other.





	1. Lull Before the Storm

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sempiternalbreakdawn](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sempiternalbreakdawn/gifts).



> im so bad with summaries but im just letting you guys know, this work is just angst, angst and more angst so let that be my warning. this story follows after my [klance week](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7674406/chapters/17479306) series, mainly [chapter 4](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7674406/chapters/17724955) however, it's not necessary to read the klance week series to understand the content of this story. consider the klance week like a filler, the inside joke that complements this story really well. 
> 
> This scene takes part pre-breakup, pre-awkward neighbours so they're all gross and lovely-dovey when they're still together ~~and very much in love~~. It's the build-up to the eventual angst.
> 
> ALSO!!! in my story, i'm writing pidge with the female pronouns. i know this doesn't resonate with a lot of people but i also know that it's impossible to please everyone. so i ask that you respect me, the hard-work i poured into this fic and my decisions. if you don't like then you don't have to read. i will not tolerate any sort of bashing on people who are on either sides of the fence as i want to make this a safe space.
> 
> Disclaimer: This is a work of fan fiction using characters from the Voltron Legendary Defenders trademarked by Studio Mir, DreamWorks Animation Television, and World Events Productions. I do not claim any ownership over them and this story is for pure entertainment.

 

All it took was one hour for Keith to reconsider the career he’s been dreaming of for 3 long years. The career that he crafted so meticulously for, the hours spend looking for graduate school, prospective universities. The burst of spontaneity is so uncalled for, so unexpected that Keith has trouble allowing himself to enjoy the rest of the evening.

School ended officially two weeks, marking the end of third year. Keith’s reminded that they’re closer to fourth year, their supposed last year in school—an idea Keith begs to differ with; university doesn’t have to be completed in four years.

This is also the last summer of their undergraduate life. Some people are painfully aware of this and some aren’t; Keith belongs to the latter. Unfortunately, Pidge is the former so she’s been squeezing career conferences into her schedule when time permits because she doesn’t know what she wants to do in the future. Of course, Pidge wouldn’t be Pidge if she didn’t drag someone with her. Sometimes she manages to drag all of them to her conferences, sometimes it’s one or two people but it’s mainly Keith that’s the scapegoat because he works at school and school doesn’t give a lot of hours. Lance is busy working while Hunk and Shiro have their internships to tackle and Allura is drifting about, trying to figure out what she wants as well.

Keith doesn’t mind going to these conferences if it helps her but he think she’s panicking too much to think practically. Though if he tells her this then she’ll panic more so he lets her coerce him into coming to these conferences with her.

Now the tables have turned and _this time,_ Keith is facing a crisis. This conference is making him see that maybe an archivist isn’t the job he wants, as if the three years he spent chasing it really was a dream. Supposedly, Keith was supposed to let fourth year take its course and flow smoothly. So all he had to do is ride the current towards graduation, towards being an archivist with no obstacles or detours. However, it’s like veil is taken off and he’s seeing and learning more than he ever thought he could.

The conference is great because it tries to reach out to everyone with their many panelist discussion. They decide to sit in on the financial, integrated technology and healthcare discussion. The first two for Pidge and the last because it vaguely relates to Keith’s global health major. So he sits through confusing talks about configuration, algorithms and exchange funds while Pidge listens with wistful eyes.

Embarrassingly enough, when he thinks about healthcare, he thinks of nurses, doctors, physiotherapists, not science editors, genetic counsellors or project coordinators—which are the professionals that the conference invited for the panelist discussion. His circle of knowledge is expanding and he’s having fun seeing the expansion.

“Keith, are you staying for the networking event at the end?” Pidge leans in to whispers. Initially, Keith wasn’t going to bother. _Keith networking with strangers?_ That’s unheard of but now, he’s vigorously nodding his head with his main focus on the discussion; he didn’t want to miss a thing.

 

***

 

“You look way too excited,” Pidge remarks while they walk out of the networking and dinner event. She’s staring at Keith stare at the piece of hard paper like he found gold.

Keith might as well have found gold because he got some of the healthcare workers’ business card. He didn’t think he would get _anyone’s_ contact information but after a few questions and a nice discussion with Lucas, the hospital’s project coordinator , during the networking event, he gave Keith his business card, urging him to contact him after the event—which Keith is definitely going to do.

“Are you going to cheat on your archivist dream? The relationship’s been going on strongly,” Pidge teases and Keith frowns.

His archivist dream came about after his struggle in first year to choose his program. Eventually he chose an international relations and global health major but had no clear goal of where the duo was going to take him. After much research, he discovered what an archivist is and something in him clicked, piquing his interest. That interest led him to hone it as his dream and he’s done elaborate preparations for it—those late nights studying, volunteering as an archive assistant at museums and libraries, now all he has to do is secure some nice reference letters, apply for graduate school and he’s set.

“I’m just going to look into this field. I mean, I didn’t even know hospitals have international projects,” Keith muses, remembering Lucas, the project coordinator at the hospital talk about his job. His life sounded amazing. Every day was a challenge, a new chance to learn something new. Keith was mesmerized by how mesmerized Lucas was about his job. Keith wanted to look that motivated and excited about his future job. Maybe there’s something magical about being a project coordinator so Keith wants to find out what it is.

“Are you going to tell Lance?”

“About the conference?” Keith clarifies, a bit confused, and Pidge nods. “Probably not too much. I mean, it’s cool but…” It might not help Lance ease his anxiety about the future but in fact, make his anxiety worst. Keith would know what _worst_ is, he’s been there for his mini break-downs.

“It might push Lance to find a career if he sees how excited you are,” Pidge reasons. She knows that behind his flashy grin, he’s hiding his unease about his career, his life after graduation. Her words are sharper than Keith’s and lacks the delicacy so she can’t comfort him with words but still, she wants Lance to cheer up too.

“You just want him to come to conferences with you,” Keith retorts.

Pidge grins, which means Keith’s _partly_ correct so he rolls his eyes. _Typical of Pidge._

“That is part of the reason but I don’t want him moping. It’s okay if he’s openly moping but he’s hiding it…Though, I’m not surprised. What can you do with a classics and math major?” Pidge questions, with a wrinkled nose. Pidge is lucky because what she likes align with what she wants to do in the future so it works out for her. Other people aren’t so lucky—Lance being one of them.

“Classical civilizations major,” Keith corrects her and she rolls her eyes, unamused.

“My statement still stands: there isn’t much you can do with majors like that.”

_Pidge’s practicality could slay the whole humanities department._

Keith wants to rebuke her but she is right to some degree. There isn’t a specific career that his major feeds into. His math major would help him more but Keith knows Lance doesn’t want a career that has math. He loves studying it but working with it is another story. And he isn’t going to find “classical civilization major” under a list of requirements for a job listing. Job-hunting is going to require a more lengthy and thorough search which is why Lance has been has raking his head in frustration. Lance is aware of how aimless his majors look in the face of reality of life after school is done. Lance didn’t think that far about what to do after he’s done learning so he chooses to avoid the topic with a feeble “I don’t want to talk about it.” When Lance pulls that card then Keith backs off immediately..

They finally reach the door of the hotel, where the conference is held today. Once they’re outside, it’s like today never happened. The world feels different, they feel different. He’s been here for only six hours and it’s short, too short to have such a big impact on him like this. There’s this strange, nostalgic feeling in him that’s holding him back, that makes it hard for him to leave. The magic’s going to wear off if he continues walking. The inspirational prep talks will become a thing of the past, the amazing people he met will fade from his memory and the voice motivating him, telling him _‘you can do it’_ will get smaller and smaller. Being outside reminds him that he has a life outside of the conference, a life he should be worrying about, a life that isn’t as hopeful as the conference makes it to be.

Keith looks at Pidge who stops and ponders as well.

“I don’t want to go…” She trails off, staring back to the hotel. “It felt nice there, to know that other people are going through the same stress. It was like I’m not alone in this whole graduation process.”

“You’re not alone, Pidge. We’re all stressed about it,” Keith replies. Pidge is too quiet for the norm and Keith looks at her again, knowing he has to do _something_. “I mean, from the conference I learn that with computer science, you can be a computer system analyst if you’re interested in business. If you want to go further then you can even be a developer or snag a nice managerial position. The possibility is endless, Pidge. So don’t worry too much…”

She bursts into a bright smile and Keith knows that he did well.

“You said you didn’t remember anything from the computer science talk,” Pidge taunts and Keith looks away at his white lie getting exposed. He said he didn’t understand anything but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t remember it. Though explaining it wouldn’t make a difference to her. “I don’t have my future mapped out on a blueprint like you do though.”

“You don’t need a blueprint of your future, Pidge.” Keith softens his voice. He went overboard with planning because of the many times he decided to procrastinate writing his essay to do a _little_ extra research on being an archivist.

“I’m stopping this talk, I don’t even know what I want to do _right now_ , let alone what to do afterwards,” Pidge complains, looking at the ground, dejected. Even though Pidge is urging Keith to talk to Lance about the future, it isn’t like Pidge is willing to discuss hers either. It’s like some fourth year crisis that every university student goes through and Keith is distraught, watching his friends struggle like this.

 

***

 

Keith comes home, drops his stuff on the kitchen counter and makes a quick beeline for the bedroom to his desk and laptop. He wants to do more digging about Lucas, about his job, about the hospital’s international projects and any possibilities to volunteer or do an internship there. It’s too late for any summer positions but he should be in time for the school year.

He’s busy typing away on his chair until he hears a low groan behind him. It’s like another veil is lifted and he remembers that Lance is back from work. He almost forgot that Lance should be home and didn’t question his absence. He spins around on chair and has a brilliant idea. He gets up and walks over to the bed with a teasing grin and drops himself on top of the lump that is supposedly Lance under the sheets.

Keith hears more groaning and something wiggling underneath him. Lance is swatting him off beneath the blanket so Keith, while laughing, is eventually forced to roll over to the side of the bed.

“You’re terrible to me,” Lance says sluggishly, his voice hoarse from sleep.

“You know you have work in the morning but you still stay out all night, you’re terrible to yourself,” Keith corrects, still dreamy about the international projects at the hospital, the project coordinator jobs.

“So how was the conference? You turned off your phone turn the whole day,” Lance asks, popping his head out from under the blanket to stare at Keith with hazy eyes.

On reflex, Keith’s hand does a pat down of his pockets and he finds his phone with a black screen. He had turned it off for courtesy at the conference but forgot to turn it back on once it was over.

“Sorry.” Keith turns his phone on and sees five texts and two calls from Lance. “The conference was amazing. I thought it’d be those boring inspirational mumbo-jumbo _about ‘do what you like and the rest will fall into place’_ from rich, successful people but it wasn’t. They gave really good advice about how each of them got to their current jobs and they were so open about their shortcomings. It felt realistic, you know? Like I could be that person too.”

“Wow, that’s great,” Lance said, sounding surprise too. “Did Pidge like it?” Lance asks, sitting up to knock heads with Keith.  

“Yeah but she’s still freaking out,” Keith says, leaning back against Lance. Lance places his chin on Keith’s shoulder with a low hum. Lance is still tired from work but he misses Keith so he fights his drowsiness to stay awake and listen. Keith plays around his Lance’s finger and settles on wrapping Lance’s arm around himself. It’s only been six hours since he’s been out of the house but time is a weird concept and Keith feels like he hasn’t seen Lance in ages.

“She’s going to get wrinkles early.” Lance chuckles and interlocks his fingers around Keith. “Though why is she even worried? She has some nice internship at this investment company for the summer.”

Lance is envious of her. Even though the company wasn’t some big name but it’s something and it’s definitely going to make her look good for the job hunt. Her only problem is choosing where to go and Lance wishes he was that lucky to have that problem.  

“She does but that’s in the financial district. She wants to see what the other fields look like,” Keith quotes Pidge and he shakes his head. She acts as if it’s a _now or never deal_ , that once she has a job then she’s locked in it forever.

“I doubt she’ll have any problem with the learning curve regardless of the field.”

“That’s what I wanted to tell her but Pidge isn’t Pidge if she actually listens to advice.”

They both laugh, knowing fully well how Pidge is like. She overthinks many things and is very stubborn so she does things at her own pace. All she asks is that her friends listen to her and support her quietly from the side.

“Thanks for lunch by the way. It was good, for a change,” Lance jokes and Keith elbows him hard in the ribs.

Keith looks down at their hands and frowns. “What happened here?” He asks, holding Lance’s red finger up to eye-level.

“Oh, I was learning how to make flaming cocktails today and burnt my finger. It’s not as easy as it looks,” Lance chuckles. He stops mid-way seeing how upset Keith looks.

“Is it safe for you to be learning it?” Keith asks, touching the red skin. He’s never drank anything that was burning but he can imagine how dangerous it was for both the bartender and patron.

“Yeah, totally safe. It was just my first time,” Lance replies. He tries to pull his burnt finger from Keith’s grasp but Keith gives him a glare to _stop._ Lance wasn’t used to being mom-ed by Keith so he just stays put.

“I bet it’s because you were tired and skipped breakfast.” Keith’s scowl grows deeper, this time his eyebrows are wrinkled with frustration. Lance smiles warmly. Keith’s been making breakfast and lunch ever since Lance started working the morning shifts at the bar, which is fairly often since summer started. Sometimes Lance would peek from their bedroom to watch Keith squint, trying to understand the recipe book. It was quite a sight to wake up to.

“No more skipping breakfast,” Keith instructs and before Lance can reply, Keith brings Lance’s fingers to his lips to give it a kiss. Lance is surprised at the sudden affection and he feels his cheeks glowing red immediately. Keith usually isn’t _this_ loving, at least not this physically or openly so Lance is taking a while to heal from the kiss. Lance burrows his face into Keith’s back, embarrassed and touched.

Keith’s face is on fire giving Lance the kiss. He’s suddenly conscious of Lance’s ghostly breath on his neck, the tight snuggle of Lance’s arms around him and they’re just _so close_ to each other. Keith’s aware of this and it’s doing critical damage to him.

“So…” Keith coughs, trying to change the topic. “How was work?”

Lance is a bartender at one of the hotels in the heart of the city. Initially, it was a side-job to pay for school and he’d quit when he gets bored or a better opportunity comes up—the case with all of his old part-time jobs but this one stayed with him. In fact, he actually likes the job so this year marks his third year as a bartender, his longest held job yet.

The most alluring thing about the bar is that Lance can talk to people, hear their stories and see how they become who are they today. It’s an interesting analysis and Lance likes meeting new people and learning new things. Plus, since Lance is so curious, has a good memory and people at the bar likes being listened to so he gets a lot of regular customers asking about him and very nice tips.

The manager trusts Lance to close the bar on his own in the past year which gives Lance a lot of freedom and an excuse to roam the streets at night but recently, he’s been opening the bar. The bar is a different place in the morning and night. Usually the hotel has some event, performances going on in the evening so there are always people lingering around, music so loud that he feels his skull shaking to the beat. Lance loves it but in the morning, it’s quiet with slow jazz and classical music, there are crickets and elderlies going for nice strolls. Nothing festive happens and the difference is as obvious as the sun and moon.

But a job’s a job and Lance has to go to his shifts and endure the painful mornings.

“My manager’s working me to the bones before his vacation break,” Lance grumbles. It’s as if the manager’s trying to squish in as many lessons, tips as he can before he leaves for two weeks. Though it’s probably because after the manager comes back then it’s going to be too hectic for him to teach Lance anything. Then in the midst of the chaos, Lance is gone for his 6 week holiday to go back home.

This trip is special because he’s not coming home alone, Keith’s coming with him. It’s Keith’s turn to meet his family after he met Keith’s family, his mom, who’s really his aunt who he calls mom because she raised him herself. She’s an adorable little Asian lady with a sharp-tongue like Keith so it must run in their family.

Lance does wonder how Keith is going to act though. For Keith, dinner usually consisted of him and his mom. He calls it festive when his aunt’s husband joins them. So sitting at a table with more than six chairs, two ongoing conversations was going to be a new, and probably awkward, experience for Keith.

Lance just hopes his family lay lows on the gossip.

“Why are you grinning?” Keith asks, not liking the cheesy smile on his face.

“Nothing,” Lance lies and blows air onto Keith’s neck, his fingers traveling to Keith’s side to tickle him. Keith’s stifling giggles and pushing Lance as far away as possible. Lance is strong and pins Keith down while Keith writhes, laughing and cursing at him to _stop, I’m going to kill you_ and some other nonsense that Lance can’t make out from his laughter.

 

***

 

Lance notices Keith smiling at his screen like a lunatic lately. He was like this yesterday and the day before yesterday and the day before that. When time permits, Keith’s swiping and typing on his phone like a madman. It all started when he came back from the conference but when Lance asks Keith about it, he just smiles and glosses over the topic with a _“you’ll see.”_

He’s hiding something but Lance just didn’t know _what_.

_And it was driving him crazy._

So Lance is pouting about it to Allura during his way to work and during her lunch break but unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to share his sentiment.

“Lance, rather than doting on Keith, you should worry more about yourself instead,” Allura reminds him and his grin falls. He was _not_ expecting the talk so soon. He knows graduation is right around the corner but he really didn’t want to talk about it. However, Allura’s doing this for her own good so he can’t be too upset—he has to face the issue eventually and he can’t pull any kissing cards with her like he can with Keith.

Lance doesn’t know what he wants to do, he doesn’t know what his majors will lead to. If anything, he wants things to stay as they are. He wants to play around a bit more, to explore the city then the country then the world, leaving his footprints everywhere. He doesn’t want to slave away at a 9 to 5 job but it costs money to be free and explore. He hates this rigged system that ties him down, forces him into a job so he can remotely enjoy anything in life.

The thought of graduation did slip his mind though. While most people are busy trying to score internships and research positions, Lance is anticipating coming home to Keith, eating out with his friends and meeting cool people at work and receiving their tips.

The only thing Lance is certain of is that he wants a career that involves people, to have many people-people interaction. His standards are low but he’d rather it be low than have nothing. He doesn’t like being too aimless but he doesn’t like being too rooted; he prefers floating in-between.

Allura stares at Lance, expecting an answer but he looks distant, far-away as if his mind wasn’t on earth.

“Lance? Everything alright?”

Lance quickly comes back down and smiles. “Your question got me thinking. Do you know what you want to do?”

Allura replies merrily, “Nope. That’s why I’m taking a fifth year, to buy more time and experience.”  Her happiness is a bit discomforting to Lance because she made it sound _so easy_ , as if taking an extra year will solve anything and everything.

She looks at Lance who still looks solemn. “Well.” She clears her throat. “I’m also taking a fifth year because I don’t feel ready to graduate.”

“You don’t feel ready?” Lance is a bit glad that even Allura has uncertainties despite the genteel air that follows her every word and manner. It makes Lance feel less small, less suffocated in his box of a life.

“No, I feel like if I were to graduate this year then I didn’t make use of my time here, you know? Like it’s a _‘That’s it? That’s all there is to it?’_ feeling to it,” Allura explains. “It does sound kind of irresponsible to be doing this but I’d rather do this because if I regret anything in the future…then at least, I tried to do something.”

Lance reconsidered a fifth year many times because the chance to have more time is always tempting—it’s always nice to have more time but he knows better than to drop thousands of dollars for a reason like that, especially since he doesn’t even know what he wants to do. More time can’t help him now, he’ll only be wasting it.

 

***

 

Keith’s eyes scan his phone screen, etching the words deep into the wall of his brains. _He did it._ He got an interview with the hospital’s volunteer manager. It’s a small step but Keith wants to be an emergency volunteer to have some experience of what it’s like to be in a healthcare setting.

He’s more happy for this interview than he is at the fact that he just finished his law and morality essay—something that’s been keeping him at the library for the past week. Despite the rush of midterms and essays, the idea of finding a new dream, a new love sends a jolt of electricity through Keith. It’s as if he’s recharged, reawakened and finally able to understand himself better. With his career as a project coordinator of international projects at the hospital, he can open his eyes to new possibilities, to the world outside of the city he grew up in, to the unpredictable challenges.

It’s almost satirical how Keith swept his archivist dream under the rug so easily, especially since he spent so much time and energy planning for it, making himself look presentable and competitive. He guess it’s only because he didn’t find what he truly loved yet so he was ‘content’ with being an archivist.

Though abandoning his old dream did hurt him to some degree. Being an archivist became a part of him, his identity and to suddenly have a void where being an archivist used to be is unsettling. Though the void is replaced by his new dream but that piece doesn’t fit as well with the other pieces of his identity. He had to change other plans to accommodate his new dream. He still loves his old dream though and he doesn’t regret pouring so much effort into that dream. He’s grateful that he did all that.

Despite leaving something that feels so close, so dear to him, Keith knows that he’s doing the right thing. It’s that weird, innate feeling that keeps Keith going. Keith feels like this is _his_ calling, this is what he wants to do as a career. It’s this thought that keeps him smiling before his eyelids shut close, the thought that draws a smile on his face after his eyelids flutter open.

It’s the full circle feeling, the feeling that he’s going down the right path and looking in the right direction. It’s also this bizarrely familiar and comfortable feeling that puts a smile on Keith’s face when he steps outside the library and sees the drizzling rain. It’s coming down hard and Keith forgot his umbrella. Usually he would curse and stay behind until the rain lets out but it doesn’t look like it was stopping for anyone. So this strange surge of bravery courses through Keith and he starts walking in the downpour.

Rain makes the air smell earthy and refreshing. It eases Keith’s mind as he strolls through campus. Everyone’s taking shelter from the rain so it’s only Keith on the trail. He can feel judgemental stares but he can’t help and look up at the sky, cheery as he feels the fresh drops on his face.

He feels omnipotent as if nothing can ruin his good day, not the rain, not the frizzy hair to follow or the chills. He never knew that finding a new dream could give him wings, to give him the wonderful sensation of flying.

Surprisingly Lance has been patient and hasn’t questioned Keith’s “peculiar” behavior. Keith knows that Lance knows something’s up, that Keith is hiding some sort of secret but Keith didn’t expect him to _actually_ wait for an answer. He’d thought Lance would withhold dinner for the truth but he hasn’t. Instead, every time Keith comes home from the library, he sees a note that dinner is waiting in the fridge.

Keith plans on making it up to Lance by telling him about his new dream. He’s going to be the first to hear about it and Keith is excited to see Lance’s reaction. He wants to see what Lance wants his future to look like so Keith can envision their future together.

 

***

 

Lance’s about to go to bed until he hears the jingling of keys and all plans are postponed. He stops dead in his track to the bedroom and stares at Keith coming through the door with disbelief.

“You’re soaking wet.” Lance points out the obvious. It’s raining hard but he didn’t think Keith would walk in it. The fact that Keith doesn’t have an umbrella is already alarming enough when he’s so freakishly prepared and paranoid about the rain because of his frizzy hair.

A small smile flashes across Keith’s face and Lance is confused. _Why does he look so happy to be drenched?_

“Did you slip and hit your head?” Lance questions, eyeing him suspiciously. Lance goes to the bathroom to grab a towel for Keith, still confused as ever. This was the only plausible explanation Lance could think of that explains the goofy grin hanging off Keith’s lips and his wet locks.

“Keep talking, nothing you say will dampen my mood,” Keith beams, accepting the towel and proceeds to take off his wet sneakers. Lance watches Keith walk to the kitchen, leaving a wet trail behind him. For some reason, Lance felt like the idiot watching Keith act oblivious to Lance’s dumbfounded face. It was if Lance _was_ the one that slip and hit his head.

“I’m going to go shower but don’t go to sleep yet,” Keith singsongs. “I have something I want to tell you.” This makes Lance more curious because only something really big and life-changing can make Keith look like he’s radiating sunbeams. Lance doesn’t know if he can digest something this big before going to bed.

“Alright…” Lance agrees, “You’re acting so weird, it’s creeping me out.”

“You’ll see what it is,” Keith teases and disappears behind their washroom door. Lance groans, he’s starting to despise _“you’ll see”_ and any variation of it. It could have any connotation and keeps Lance in the dark and he doesn’t like that. And something is definitely wrong if Keith hasn’t thrown a single sarcastic remark at Lance since coming home.

 

***

 

Lance almost dozes off at the kitchen table—if he waits in the bedroom or on the couch then he’s out cold—but he snaps out of it when he hears the water getting shut off. Keith showers too quickly for Lance to fall asleep. He’s always so quick to come in and out from his showers that Lance sometimes wonder if he actually washes himself at all. Keith views showering as a chore, something to do quickly as to not waste time. His logic makes sense but just because Lance understands, it doesn’t mean he agrees.

Keith comes out, a bounce in his every step towards the kitchen and his glow lighting up the place. He has a dumb grin on his face and Lance is teeter-tottering between waiting for Keith to bring up the mysterious topic up or to wedge information from Keith’s tight-lips. He chooses to be patience and pushes the warm glass of tea towards Keith which he takes graciously.

Lance starts drumming his fingers on the table, one of his habits when he grows tense and impatient. Keith takes one gulp of the tea and then another. Finally he sets his red mug down and looks at Lance in the eye, gleaming with eagerness.

“So,” Keith starts and waits, adding a dramatic pause, “I’ve decided that I don’t want to be an archivist anymore.”

This catches Lance off-guard and throws him into another world created by his own monologue that warps space and time. _Keith is dropping his dream? The thing he worked so hard for? Something he meticulously honed and cared for?_ It doesn’t make sense to Lance that Keith would plan and prepare so much for his dream and suddenly decide to drop it. It’s too impulsive, even for Keith.

“This started a while ago but I met this cool guy name Lucas at the conference. He’s a project coordinator at this big global hospital. I’ve been keeping contact with him and found that he oversees the international collaborations between the hospital he works at and developing countries. The projects are building hospitals based on our health care system and training their staffs. The goal is to improve the healthcare systems over there. It sounds pretty cool, right?”

Keith is looking for a confirmation of his enthusiasm so Lance nods to make him happy. In reality, it was getting harder and harder to follow along with Keith. All Lance deduced is that Keith wants to be an ‘international aid worker’ but the term itself umbrellas many professions from doctors to technicians to writers. Lance can’t imagine Keith being in the managerial side but that’s what he’s shitting rainbows about right now so Lance has to believe it.

What got Keith the most excited during the conference is when Lucas told him during their one-on-one talk that knowing that he’s helping improve the lives of the people—this is what drives Lucas to work, it’s his motivation. Not only has he have to focus to ensure that the construction proceeds in a timely manner but he has to make sure that the staffs from both countries are on the same page, he has to bridge the cultural gap between the two sides. It’s a difficult job with a lot to consider but Lucas loves his job. Keith wants to experience that adrenaline rush, to be passionate and motivated about something.

So Keith’s going to take a risk and abandon his archivist dream for this project coordinator one.

Lance knows Keith’s happy, he’s been starry-eyed since he came home but there’s this dark feeling spreading inside Lance. It’s an unsett;ing and uncomfortable feeling that makes him nauseous. It slithers throughout his body and Lance gets weighted down by this deep, substantial feeling.

_This isn’t Keith._

Keith issn’t supposed to be welcoming a big change like this, not a career change. _What happened to change being his biggest fear?_ But now Keith seems thrilled and pleased with the change, as if he’s anticipating it.

_This definitely isn’t Keith._

Keith is going so far in life, aiming for such big goals and this realization squishes Lance to a pulp. Lance is going nowhere but at least, he has his friends with him. However, seeing Keith talk like this, Lance sees him changing and he feels alone.

Lance wraps his fingers around his own blue mug, hoping that the heat from the tea can wake him up and ground him because his head hurts. Maybe it’s from stressing about the future, from his useless double majors or he’s nervous for what Keith has _yet_ to say.

Suddenly Lance hears _relocation_ in the midst of Keith marveling about his future and his mouth moves faster than his mind. “Relocation? To where?”

“Wherever the project is taking place,” Keith answers simply, with a dreamy tone, sounding as if relocation is _no big deal_. “Lucas was in the Middle East for three years and now he’s in South Africa so it really depends on the project.”

_Does that mean Keith will be away for three years too?_

Keith’s voice is getting further and further away from Lance as he tries to tune in and understand any nuance of it.

_Three years._

“Th-three y-years?” Lance stammers and Keith nods, missing the crippling angst on Lance’s face and the slight tremble of his lips; Keith was too elated to _even_ notice Lance.

Lance’s mind takes a blow as he tries to process what he just heard. Keith wants to chase after a dream, the job Lucas has, which requires Lucas to relocate for a long period of time. Keith is planning on leaving for a few years to complete the project.

_Lance is supposed to be happy for this? What does Keith expect Lance to do? Wait for him? Wish him well?_

If Keith is going to the developing world to improve the healthcare system there then is he going to remote areas? Would communication with the outside world be scarce? Can Lance even get a hold of Keith when he’s over there? Would they celebrate anniversaries? Have weekly calls?

“Lance?”

Keith’s glimmer is diminished by concern, concern for Lance because Lance is supposed to be ecstatic for him, not jumping for joy but curious with questions, excited for Keith more than Keith is excited for himself. This is what Keith expected but seeing Lance right now, dazed and confused, Keith is conflicted. _Maybe his new dream and everything that it holds is too far-fetched for Lance? Maybe it’s too sudden? Maybe it’s too heavy?_

Lance mentally scolds himself for being so selfish. He should be happy for Keith. It’s not easy to find your dream job so he should be nothing but supportive for Keith. That’s what he should do but for some reason, he feels like choking from the dithering, slithering feeling bubbling in his stomach.

So Lance nods, trying to dislodge the uncomfortable feeling. He forces himself to say something, anything to soothe the tension, to show his love and support for Keith because that’s what he should do.

“Oh.”

But he fails miserably.

 


	2. The Growing Distance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a super super long-overdue update but this is because this initial chapter ended up being 22k words (which took forever to write) so i'm splitting it up into three separate chapters. The other two are being edited as we speak by my beta so they'll be out within the week. many apologies!
> 
> also, i think reading [ chapter 5](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7674406/chapters/18081160) of klance week would tremendously help you guys in understanding keith and lance's fear and [chapter 3](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7674406/chapters/17610757) to understand what these house rules that they keep keep bringing up are []()

Keith looks up, surprised at Lance’s monotonous “oh.” He definitely _wasn’t_ expecting that reaction from Lance. Keith had expected him to be overjoyed, excited and happy for Keith. Finding a career is a big thing and he wanted to share this news with Lance because he thought Lance would be ecstatic but now before anyone else but now, looking at Lance’s eyes, Keith is having doubts.

_Maybe it’s too much for Lance to take in? Maybe he’s tired?_

Lance sees the confusion on Keith’s face and quickly utters, “Sorry, I’m drained. The job sounds really cool and I…”

Keith sees Lance scrambling for words and jumps in. “We can talk in the morning since you don’t have work then.”

“Sounds good.” Lance nods. Keith stares warily at Lance. He’s not sure why but he doesn’t believe that Lance is _just_ tired but there’s no reason to doubt him. “You need to blow dry your hair before bed though,” Lance remarks, staring at Keith’s wet locks.

“Do I have to? It’s bad to blow dry your hair,” Keith remarks cheekily as Lance guides him to the washroom by the wrist.

Lance furrows his brow while pulling out the hair dryer from the drawer. “You are not giving _me_ beauty advice. If you’re _that_ worried then I can give you a moisturizing hair mask.”

“Why do you even have a hair mask when your hair is so short,” Keith questions. He also wondered why Lance has a blow dryer. Lance is still a mystery when it comes to his religious beauty rituals.

“Stop asking questions and let me blow dry your hair or I’ll burn your scalp,” Lance warns, turning on the dryer. It’s too noisy for any conversation and this allows them to think for a bit, to let things settle in.

Keith stares at Lance through the mirror. He’s totally fixated on drying Keith’s hair and Keith wonders if Lance is really okay with his career. He says one thing but his actions implies another. No matter how tired Lance is, he would certainly be bursting with energy if anything calls for excitement.

Maybe talks about their future worries Lance because of how uncertain he is about his. Maybe the future is a taboo topic because their relationship isn’t ready for that talk yet.

Despite all the doubts running through his mind, Keith is certain that he shouldn’t bring it up until tomorrow morning. At least, to not ruin the cozy moment they have right now.

 

***

 

That night, Lance can’t sleep a wink but it’s not like he’s forcing himself to sleep either. He’s been lying in bed for what feels like hours and waits until there’s no more stirring from Keith’s side.

When the coast is clear, Lance sits up and brings his laptop to bed to do more research on Keith’s prospective career. His eyes are on the hospital website, scanning through their previous projects and he eventually stumbles upon a hiring post. He sees _relocation_ and minimum of _two years with periodic visits_ back to the hospital for meetings. This causes Lance’s stomach to stir in discomfort and he ultimately closes his screen to wrap his arm around himself, suddenly feeling very alone despite Keith being right there.

Lance watches Keith, knowing that if he reaches out to touch him then his fingers will be ablaze. Keith’s always so warm and a great source of cuddles but now, Lance feels something else, something chilly when he sees Keith.

_Keith._

Lance’s face drops because so many things happened within the last few hours. Keith suddenly dropping the bomb about his sudden goal, his dreams about a career that seems so far away. Changing his career is something so important yet Lance didn’t have a single clue about it nor did Keith tell him. When Keith was telling him about these _fascinating_ stories about Lucas and his career, his bright eyes were sparkling so much that Lance was blinded by it.

Keith told him that he’s been thinking about this for a week and Lance gets more hurt. _A week and Lance didn’t know that something this big is happening. Why didn’t Keith tell him anything?_

Lance is hurt, so hurt. Keith knows what Lance’s fears are, what causes the chills to crawl down his spine but yet, that’s what Keith’s dream involves: leaving Lance, abandoning him. It’s selfish of Lance to think that and he knows that before Keith is his boyfriend, Keith is himself and he owes it to himself to make his own dream come true. He shouldn’t have to consider Lance but how could Keith think that Lance would be fine with his dream?

Keith is someone important to him so of course, his future is going to be a part of Lance’s future. So how could Lance happily support Keith leaving?

He doesn’t want a future where he’s lonely, where he’s surrounded by four walls with no one to talk to, no one to laugh with. He had worked so hard for their relationship, for their future; all the compromises and giving in, the house rules they made together so they’re not at each other’s throat every day. Lance thought it was enough, that he finally had someone to call his, to call home but Keith didn’t share the same feelings. Maybe Keith doesn’t need a home. Maybe home for him is where he’s happy and if he’s happy with his job then home is anywhere for Keith.

A hushed voice in Lance’s mind tells him that he shouldn’t be sad, that Keith’s never his to begin with. Keith has his life and he was going to live it. Lance should support him, should push him closer to his dreams. Lance should do all of those things but he’s not.

He’s staring at Keith and for some reason, he starts crying.

_He feels alone, so lost and utterly helpless._

Keith’s staring in a completely different direction. He’s glancing up at the sky, watching as the sun descends and the moon rises, counting the endless number of stars. Lance knows that what Keith wanted was to reach out to the space in front of him, to grab the stars. Keith is ready to run into the abyss, to fight for his future.

Yet Lance’s standing still, foot deeply rooted in the soils. He doesn’t know what to do, where to even look. Everything’s so dark and he’s too scared to look up and move in case he trips and falls. What if he can’t find the strength to get up again? He’s scared of reaching forward to claw at air and feel the bitter emptiness.

When did Keith and him get so far apart? Why was he only realizing it now?

Keith is changing careers and Lance doesn’t even have one to ponder over.

Lance wipes away at the tears and decides that he can’t stay here, in this room with Keith and his thoughts. So he gets dressed and leaves for the night but not without giving a peck on Keith’s head, as per their house rule.

 

***

 

Keith wakes up to his phone ringing. His hand quickly darts to his phone, to pick it up before he wakes up Lance. He slurs a hello before realizing it’s Mom and it’s not a call, but a video call.

 _So it’s Friday already._ The excitement of his new career had turned his days into a haze, blurring out the concept of time.   

He looks over and notices that Lance isn’t in bed but he doesn’t have time to ponder over it because Mom’s on the line, waiting for him.

Mom is diligent and calls him every Friday morning at 9am before her weekly drama airs in Korea. Legally, she’s his mom but biologically, she’s his maternal aunt who adopted him since his parents passed away when he was young. He doesn’t remember them much, his earliest memory being his own mother reading him bedtime stories in Korean—a language he barely harvested while growing up but now, he speaks to a certain degree of fluency due to this mom demanding that they converse in Korean.

_ “Keith, my darling. Did you just wake up? Your hair looks like an awful bird’s nest.” _

Keith laughs and replies in awkward Korean. _“It would be nice if you stop insulting me the minute you talk to me, Mom.”_

 _“Then don’t give me a chance to insult you,”_ she retorts. Even though Keith doesn’t remember much about his biological parents but he’s pretty sure that his sharp tongue comes from his mom’s side. Keith smiles, hearing Mom rambles about her latest project. She’s a children novelist and part-time translator for a company so she’s always involved with books by either reading it or writing it. Sometimes she tells Keith the strangest stories she has to translate and Keith laughs because he can’t understand how they got green-lit in the first place.  

She loves him a lot, a fact that Keith is well aware of but this doesn’t mean he can escape her strict discipline and ear-yanking. She does it all with love and Keith appreciates it. The most she’s ever done for him is staying here with him, giving him so much love when her heart’s always been in Korea. She insisted on staying after his parents left, even after she got married and wanted to stay when he went to university but he knew he couldn’t keep her here with him when Korea’s where she belongs.

_ “How are you? Is Lance doing well?” _

Keith tries to not let the stress from last night’s conversation show.

 _“Yeah, I’m doing fine. It’s summer so I only have to think about work,”_ Keith says. _“Lance is the same, still busy working as well.”_

 _“If you only have work then you should go get a haircut, it’s getting really long and choppy,”_ she nags.

_ “The last time I cut my hair, you said it was too short so I should grew it out.” _

_ “Last time really was too short. Just cut it longer than before but shorter than now.” _

Keith rolls his eyes, not knowing what she's getting at with his hair. Next time she calls, he’ll just tie up his hair so she has nothing to complain about. Despite him entering fourth year, she still nags and badgers him about the littlest things all the way from Korea.

The only reason she returned to Korea was because Keith convinced her he was mature enough to live on his own after his first year of university. Even if he wasn’t capable then, he has to learn eventually. Of course, she visits him frequently, so frequent that she has an apartment here on standby for her arrival—something that she and her husband can afford. He suspect that he’s rich because of this but she humbly denies it. Keith would like to get closer to uncle but he works for a transportation company so he’s always on the go. There’s barely enough time for conversation, let alone time to bond and make memories.

_ “You know, you should be proud that I’m talking to you at 9am when I don’t have school or work in the morning.” _

_“Do you want a medal for that?”_ she asks, rolling her eyes and Keith chuckles. She really is merciless. _“I’ll praise you once you stop lodging around in bed and start eating breakfast before 9am.”_

 _“Then I don’t need your praise,”_ Keith jokes and they’re both laughing now.

They talk some more, with Keith leaving out the tidbits about his newfound career, learning from last night’s mistake. Sometimes, he allows himself to wish that she’s here with him so that they don’t have to talk through a screen like this but he can’t be that selfish. Her staying with him is more than what he could ever ask for. If she didn’t make those sacrifices then he wouldn’t be who he is today so he’s happy that she’s in Korea.

Keith stifles a yawn and Mom notices _. “You should head back to bed, Keith. You look tired.”_

Keith shakes his head. _“I’m not that tired but I’m going to go prepare breakfast.”_

_ “For Lance?” _

_“MOM!”_ Keith exclaims in English out of mortification.

 _“I don’t understand why you’re embarrassed when it comes to these things,”_ Mom sighs.

 _“You can say these things to me but when Lance is here, don’t, okay?”_ The last time Mom spoke to Lance, she told him some of his humiliating childhood stories that he still teases Keith about today. Keith is not going to let that happen again.

_ “Lance doesn’t understand Korean. You really aren’t a morning person.” _

_“Stop kicking me down or I’ll be buried alive,”_ Keith complains and Mom laughs. Soon, they hang up and Keith is left to decide what the menu is for breakfast today.

In the midst of his thoughts, Keith hears the door opening signaling Lance’s arrival. He gets out of bed and rushes out the room to see Lance still in the hallway, taking off his sneakers.

Lance looks up, his expression unreadable to Keith. “Hey, did I wake you up?”

“No, I was talking to Mom.”

“Oh, it’s Friday already. Where did the week go,” Lance smiles and Keith feels a weird sense of relief—weird because he doesn’t know when he held his breath. “Anyways, I bought breakfast pitas for us.” Lance sets the bag down on the counter and ushers Keith over.

Keith is becoming more aware and narrows his eyes in question, walking pass Lance to get the plates and utensils. “For what?”

“To say sorry for my boring response yesterday and to celebrate your new career,” Lance grins, hoping that Keith doesn’t read through him and his fib.

“Did you get the avocado pita?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, you’re forgiven.”

“Also…” Lance starts but sees Keith glowering already and sighs, “Hey, don’t give me that look. I got called into work so I gotta leave in an hour.”

Keith’s glare turns into a frustrated frown and he resists the urge to cross his arms and pout. Lance raises his hands up in protest. “I’ll be back in the afternoon so we can talk then.”

“But I have work in the evening…”

“Oh…another time then.” Lance replies, secretly glad to be avoiding another talk with Keith. It took a lot of alcohol last night for him to get over the idea of Keith leaving for years so he’s not keen to bring it up again. Right now, he just wants to focus on them, on making Keith happy before he starts traveling more and more.

 

***

 

Shiro is surprised to get a call from Lance, offering brunch. He’s even more surprised to hear Lance asking him to not tell Keith that he’s with Shiro because he told Keith he’s going to work—which is obviously a lie.

Shiro and Lance go back to first year of university when Lance would use the work excuse to get out of class, awkward dates or hang-outs but never to avoid Keith. So something was wrong and if Lance’s bloodshot eyes aren’t a big giveaway then this was. Though the fact that Lance is the one to knock on Shiro’s door and not Keith gives Shiro another kind of worry, a worry that meant he should be prepared for the worst

Lance planned to talk to Shiro to help him sort his feelings because after a night of roaming about—playing darts and drinking, it didn’t help calm him down at all. He understands that Keith loves this dream, it’s evident from him networking and researching to get a better footing in this career, and Lance wants to support Keith but a part of him tells him something isn’t right. Lance needs to figure out what is causing that small, suspicious voice and thought maybe Shiro could help.

Shiro’s concerns are confirmed when Lance tells him the story. It definitely was uncalled for because Keith has been raving on about his archivist dream for so long. He talked about it so much that they couldn’t imagine Keith being anything other than an archivist. It would make sense for Lance to be so confused at this startling change in Keith.

“I’m happy for Keith, I really am but…” Lance curls his fingers around his cup of coffee and throws an idle look at Shiro whose expression is a mix of sympathy and concern. “It’s like he’s leaving me behind. I know he’s not but…”

Lance meant leaving in a physical and metaphorically sense.

“Lance,” Shiro starts, “Keith isn’t leaving you. He told you because he sees you in his future, he’s including you in it.”

“How can I be excited though?” Lance questions. “Shiro, it’s a relocation for _years._ He’ll travel back ‘periodically’’”—Lance makes air quotes with his fingers around ‘periodically’—“But what is periodically? If he’s gone for years then can we really say we’re a part of each other’s lives?”

It was a tough call for Shiro. He didn’t want to comfort Lance blindly, especially since Keith didn’t tell Shiro anything yet. It looks like Lance did a fair amount of research to be this anxious so Shiro is walking on thin, very thin, ice right now. The only thing Shiro is certain of is that the only one to clear Lance’s uncertainty is Keith, not him.

“Talk to Keith about this. I don’t think Keith would be allowed to travel so soon without experience so it’ll be a while before Keith starts moving about,” Shiro coos.

Lance’s expression stays stagnant while contemplating the possibility of a few more years with Keith. He sees Shiro’s expression grow more complex and Lance mentally tries to regain himself. He can’t be breaking down in front of Shiro, not right now.

“Sorry Shiro, I didn’t mean to rant.”

“It’s fine, you don’t have to put a wall up around me.”

“I know.” Lance smiles meekly. “It’s just…Keith’s doing so much, you know? He said he’s looking into volunteering at a hospital, possibly following that Lucas guy to conferences to learn more about healthcare advancement then I see myself with a blank slate. Nothing to do, nothing to look forward to.”

Lance heaves a sigh that gets some of the tension off his chest.

“Maybe that’s why I’m so frustrated and nervous: because I don’t know what I want to do. Maybe if I find my own career then I’ll understand Keith’s choice.” Lance muses.

_Maybe it’ll pull them closer again._

There’s a gap between him and Keith that he wants to close and he’s desperate to do anything to accomplish that. Maybe it’s because Lance hasn’t found his calling that he isn’t starry-eyed like Keith and the rest of his friends. If Lance finds the thing that makes him excited and live then maybe he can be more forgiving about Keith’s dream. If Lance understands then maybe he wouldn’t be so sad about everything.

Shiro tries to hide his frown, not liking the direction of Lance’s thoughts.

“Lance, finding a career is something you should do at your own pace. You shouldn’t…” Shiro hesitates, not wanting to lecture Lance when he’s distressed. “I know you don’t want Keith to go but don’t let this make you choose hastily. Choosing a career isn’t going to change Keith’s career.”

He knows the last part is going to sting but it’s what Lance needed to hear. Choosing a career when he’s so emotionally unstable opens the door to other troubles and Shiro knows Lance doesn’t need more problems coming his way.

“But what do I do then? I feel hopeless while Keith is…” Lance looks away, feeling ashamed of showing Shiro his vulnerable side. Lance knows that  Shiro will never look down on him for things like this but he doesn’t want to acknowledge that this side exists. If anything, Lance wants his friends to remember him for his dumb jokes and confidence, not being hesitant and whiny.

“Take things easy Lance. Your career doesn’t have to start after graduation, you can take as much time as you need to figure it out. For now, have that talk with Keith, see what he sees and maybe that will help with your career.”

“Thanks Shiro,” Lance replies out of courtesy, not sure if his advice actually helped. Though, he did feel better now—it’s Shiro’s charm after all.

Lance lets out another sigh. All he wants is a simple life where he’s content with his career and making memories with his friends. It doesn’t sound like a lot but right now, those two things are getting him down and he doesn’t know what else to look forward to. He feels as if he has to give up a big part of him to make some things work and it’s exhausting.

He’s tired of giving and not receiving.

 

***

 

Lance is stealthy at avoiding Keith but Keith is incredibly stubborn so this setback isn’t going to stop him. Lance decides to stay out later and later because sleep is the only thing that could bring down Keith’s offense. Lance always calls Keith the difficult, high-maintenance one but when Lance wants to be, he can be a nightmare to deal with as well.

So right now, Lance’s making Keith’s life hell like now, when Lance is fumbling in the darkness of their apartment at 1am to find the doorknob to their bedroom. He squints, making out Keith’s sleeping form on the bed and Lance heaves a sigh of relief.

_Another lucky day for him._

Then Lance hears rustling and freezes, caught in action. There’s more rustling and Lance prays that Keith doesn’t wake up.

“Lance?” Keith calls out and Lance curses under his breath.

“Yeah?”

“You’re home late,” Keith remarks, making his way out of bed. “Did you have dinner?”

Before Lance could reply, his stomach answers for him. Lance curses again, this time more loud and he hears Keith chuckle.

“I’m reaching for the lights so close your eyes,” Lance tells Keith and turns on the switch. He sees Keith with his eyes closed and tousled hair and curses for the third time but this time, in his mind. Keith looks really cute nodding his head off.

“There’s dinner in the fridge,” Keith says, trotting his way through the room with his eyes still hazy.

Lance grabs Keith’s arm. “You don’t have to get out of bed to make dinner.”

“It’s fine,” Keith answers and Lance slides his fingers down to hold Keith’s hand. It really has been a long time since Keith and Lance sat at the same table, let alone hold hands like this.

Lance really misses Keith but his fear of having the talk about their future is bigger than his yearning for Keith.

Though Keith initially planned to preheat dinner for Lance, Lance didn’t actually let him into the kitchen—Keith in the kitchen raises some alarm so sleepy Keith is another kind of horror. Hence Keith’s sitting at the table, his chin in his palms while he struggles to stay awake. He sees Lance frying some ham along with the fried rice Keith attempted to make this evening. 

Keith takes a sip of tea from his red mug, not sure if it’s quiet because they’re both tired—Keith from being woken up and Lance from going out or if Lance doesn’t want to talk. Keith has received enough reminders and warnings from their friends to approach the topic slowly and with caution. Keith thinks he’s too impatient to know what slow and caution is but he has to try for Lance and their relationship.

Lance settles down in front of Keith with dinner. “Want some?” Lance asks and sees Keith contemplating but ultimately nodding, _like always._

Lance smirks at Keith as he pushes the bowl he had set aside towards Keith, already knowing his answer. Keith frowns, not liking Lance’s know-it-all attitude right now but takes the bowl anyway.

“So…” Keith asks, looking at Lance to see if it’s appropriate to bring up the talk.

“Yeah?” Lance replies, his voice inquisitive. Keith was being unbelievably thoughtful lately by waiting up for him, making dinner, going the extra mile to strike a conversation when Lance was too tired to keep himself awake. He’s being extremely patient which is uncharacteristic of him but this speaks volume on how much Keith cherishes what they have.

Lance stares at Keith who is just waiting for Lance to say something, anything. Keith is reaching his limit at how far he can stretch himself. 

“Sorry, I’ve been…so detached,” Lance starts off and makes an effort to keep Keith’s gaze. Nervousness made Lance prone to avoiding people’s eyes because eye-contact makes him more jumpy.

“Apology accepted.” Keith smirks, not even trying to hide that Lance’s at fault. “It’s about your future…right?”

“More like _our_ future.” Lance says, blushing and sees Keith flushing red as well.

Keith stammers, “W-what about it…”

“Well…You know how I am: I screw around with no clear goal and now, you’re sitting me down to talk about the ‘future.’” Lance makes air quotes around ‘future.’ “I don’t even know what to do after graduation and now I see you with a map of your future and a checklist so I feel…overwhelmed.”

Lance decides to leave the part about his fears of a lonely future out. He’s sure that Keith is well-aware of that and knows that it’s due to Keith’s aspirations which requires him to travel frequently. However, it’s not like Lance can outright tell Keith this—it’s as if he’s telling Keith to fix his career, to do something about it, _to change it_ , and Lance doesn’t like the sound of that at all.

Lance has to deal with his problems one at a time so he decides to tackle his fears for the future first since it was something he can solve _alone_ and not bother others.

Keith expected this anxiety but just because he expected it didn’t mean that he knew how to help Lance ease it. How’s he supposed to help Lance when he’s partly the reason why Lance is restless? He can’t change himself, drop his map and not gush about his career so what else can he do?

Keith knows that a part of Lance’s worry stems from his career but he doesn’t call Lance out on it. He’s hiding it for a reason and Keith wants to respect that. However he’s torn between bringing the topic up or just letting it slide because Lance’s concern for the future has to be addressed eventually. There were so many things that needed to be discussed but so little time to actually talk. 

Lance watches as Keith’s expression shifts from being confused to troubled with his eyebrows knitted in a bunch. Keith doesn’t know how to approach Lance at all. Lance sees this and rubs the back of his neck, wanting to lift the heavy atmosphere. 

“This is my problem so don’t get stressed out over it,” Lance blurts out. Keith gives him a baffled look and Lance wonders if he said the wrong thing.  

“How can I not stress over it when you’re so…affected by it,” Keith questions in disbelief. “I want to help but I want to respect your boundaries…”

“Just listening to me is enough. I can’t trouble you with my life problems.”  

“Yeah but we are together—” 

“Thanks captain obvious.” Lance laughs and ignores Keith’s death glare. “Fine fine, keep going, I won’t interrupt.”

“It’s just…you should tell me your troubles instead of acting like a tenant in our home and coming and going as you wish.”

Keith struggles to put his thoughts into articulate words. He’s being careful not to add more onto Lance’s plate but he can’t help but come off as nagging

It’s always easier for Lance to avoid the situation than confront it head-on. He just had to make sure to not run into the same circumstances again and he’s set. Lance admires Keith for zealously charging into the problem head-first despite being the one that’s awkward with words. That courage comes from somewhere and Lance wishes he knew where to find it so he could get some for himself.

“It’s always…easy to just forget it,” Lance mutters. “Like…the future is so big with so many possibilities, I don’t even know where to start to solve the problem.”

Keith frowns because Lance has to start _somewhere_ , he can’t just stand there dazed and perplexed but he doesn’t tell Lance this because again, he is trying to be mindful.

“I know you don’t agree,” Lance chuckles, reading Keith like an open book. “But…” Lance trails off, not sure what he wants to say. It sounds like an excuse but with school and graduation breathing down his neck, how can he afford to think about anything else.  

“Are you sure you don’t want me to help you?”

Lance nods. “Let me figure it out by myself and if I need you…then I’ll wake you up again.” Keith yawns, as if on cue, and Lance grins.

“Alright…” Keith says, not liking Lance’s solution but if he doesn’t want Keith stepping in then Keith can’t just force himself through. “We’re cool then?”

“Yeah, we’ve never been _not_ cool.”

Again, Keith begs to differ, especially with the way Lance has been acting but Keith ignores it for the sake of ending this talk on a pleasant note.

_Maybe having this talk at 1am isn’t a good idea after all._

That night, Keith doesn’t sleep much. It’s as if they never had the talk because nothing’s changed. Lance is still taking the stress on by himself even though Keith wants to help him carry it. The only difference the talk made is Lance directly asking Keith to not get involved. For some reason, Keith feels as if they took a step backwards in their relationship. Being together is more than just making-out, eating together and seeing each other too often. It also means taking out the trash, home-cooked meals and sharing their troubles which Lance is not doing.

Lance is drawing such a clear line that it hurts Keith. Lance not confiding in him is like Lance saying he doesn’t trust Keith or doesn’t feel comfortable with him. What is their relationship built on then? Keith had thought their relationship was built on trust but now, he doesn’t know. Seeing their differing views on this relationship makes Keith feel as if he’s putting more thought and care into it than Lance is. He knows it’s not the case but then, what reason is there for Lance to refuse Keith’s help?

Nothing’s working out and it’s giving Keith the biggest headache that sleep can’t lull.

Despite him trying so hard for them, why aren’t things working out?

Why?

 

***

 

The minute hours of sleep is getting to Keith and he wants to drown in coffee to help him survive his shift. Though, he’s lucky that his job isn’t like Lance’s bartending one where he’s constantly doing something, either talking or making drinks. He’s entering data into the computer and sometimes is the librarian when they’re short-handed, which is now. No one comes to the library during the summer, especially in the late evening so he doesn’t think it’ll make a difference whether or not he’s here.

His thoughts wonder to the conversation with Lance a few days ago and he immediately frowns. Even though Lance said things are fine, they’re talking again but they haven’t solved the issue at all. Lance says he’s working on it and he’s making an effort to come home more often but there’s still tension in the air.

Something is still wrong and Keith wants to fix it but Lance wants to brush it off. They need to talk again but it doesn’t happen for the next week because of their conflicting work hours. Now Keith is really questioning his dream because dreams are supposed to be followed up by elation, the walking on cloud nine feeling, not this nasty uncertainty that’s turning his dream into a nightmare. It’s a topic they tiptoe around because they don’t know how to approach it without offending the other person. So Lance takes more time from sleep for his night-life and Keith finds pleasure in reading to forget the unpleasant things.

Keith’s thoughts are interrupted when someone slams a book on the help desk. His immediate response is to bark a response about common courtesy but he looks up to see Hunk smiling down at him and all of that negative energy is channeled into positive ones.

“Hey,” Keith greets, smiling.  

“Hi.” Hunk grins back.

“Are you really going to borrow this book?” Keith asks, staring at the spine. It’s a book about systems theory but with the internet and the school paying big dollars for access to research databases, Hunk can find this information online.

“Yes,” Hunk says. “Also to see you for dinner because it’s been a week since I last saw you.”

Keith’s smile stretches for miles. Hunk’s always checking up on him and Keith is grateful for that. “Sure, I’m actually done work in fifteen minutes so sit around and…” Keith looks around, they’re in a library so there wasn’t much to do.

“Read?”

“Yeah…”

 

***

 

Dinner is Mediterranean food and Keith would like to enjoy it thoroughly but Hunk has other motives, he’s always juggling two or three things at once so Keith isn’t too surprised.

“So what’s up with you and Lance?” Hunk asks before Keith could dive into his meal. Keith stops mid-way, his mouth open and throws Hunk a sour look; Hunk isn’t sure if his frown is because he stopped Keith from stuffing his face or because he brought up Lance. He hopes it’s the former.

“Nothing,” Keith replies and gives Hunk a raised brow. “And I mean it. _Nothing._ ”

“Why is it nothing?” Hunk questions. He’s heard stuff from Lance and Pidge but knows that he shouldn’t judge or give his input unless he hears Keith’s side of the story—that is, if Keith is going to tell him anything. Though from experience, Hunk knows that Keith isn’t a rock that people give him credit for. He’s affected by many things but he’s just unaware of his feelings and what they mean.  

Keith looks at Hunk and tells him about the conference, his new career, and what his summer, fourth years and future plans are to prepare him for the job. Hunk is impressed with Keith’s meticulous planning and a little stunned because he planned it right until graduate school with a master’s degree in healthcare management to help him get a promotion in the field. They haven’t even graduated yet and Keith is thinking of a _promotion._

Keith hasn’t changed a bit and Hunk is happy but a bit worried, just like how he was when he first met Keith. Keith gets so devoted to his planning that he allows for no slip-ups or else, he holes himself up and goes down another cascade of planning. Sometimes, Hunk doesn’t hear from him for days because he’s busy researching and blue-printing his life.

When Keith is done talking, he looks to Hunk. Hunk has the same blank expression Lance had a week ago and Keith wonders if the problem _really_ is with him.

“Well Keith, you can’t blame Lance for not being too happy with it,” Hunk comments. “It would be weird if he wasn’t troubled.”

In his whole plan, Keith didn’t mention Lance or their group at all. Hunk knows it’s because Keith would assume that they would be there, supporting him regardless of his decisions. It’s the purest form of trust and Hunk would support him relentlessly but being a friend is being different from a lover.

“Why?” Keith questions, genuinely confused. 

It wasn’t that Keith doesn’t know. He knows that Lance is upset because Keith isn’t going to be at home often but for some reason, he thinks there’s another reason that Lance isn’t telling him. He knows the easiest way is to talk to Lance so they can figure the situation out but that’s the hard, confrontational way and Keith would like to avoid that.

“Lance grew up in a big family. I bet the only private moment he got was when he went to the washroom. He thrives off physical touches and a festive environment. So he’s going to die if he’s alone and lonely,” Hunk smiles at the latter statement and Keith breaks into a grin as well. Lance always did feel like he needed to maintain some form of physical contact whether it’d be the occasional brushing of their hands or their knees touching.

“Now you’re telling him that you’re going away for years? Even I’m heartbroken Keith, let alone Lance,” Hunk says, his expression softening up. “I don’t want to pressure you but Lance included you in his future Keith so of course, he’s really upset. Don’t be too hard on yourself though, it’s your life but...”

“I did include him in my future…” Keith mumbles frailly.

_Didn’t he?_

Hunk gives a look.

“Didn’t I?”

Hunk confirms one of Keith’s biggest problems and he groans.

 _He didn’t._  

“What do I do then? It’s not like I can just tuck Lance into my pocket and bring him to South Africa with me.”

_He really wanted to though._

He wanted Lance to see what he saw while overboard, to see his achievements and be happy for him.

“I know…” Hunk trails off, troubled himself. Keith is so ambitious that sometimes, he forgets to consider other people’s feelings. Hunk admires Keith’s motivation and is fine with his career even though he can’t see Keith often but the question is if Lance is fine with it.

This was an issue that can’t be compromised. Keith shouldn’t compromise his dreams and Lance shouldn’t compromise his feelings. Both of them are his friends and he wants them happy together but Hunk knows this is something that he or their friends can’t help with. Influencing them too much with their own opinions could cause more harm than good.

“Did you talk to Lance?”

“He didn’t bring it up.”

Keith doesn’t mean to come off as being whiny and complain about Lance but he’s tired, he doesn’t want to keep initiating stuff. He’s already tired of waiting and ambushing but if Lance doesn’t want to talk then Keith has to rest his case

Hunk knows that Lance’s having a difficult time accepting Keith’s career but Hunk wanted to see if Keith knew this. Now that Hunk knew that Keith knew, he’s _really_ troubled. But as much as Hunk wants to help, he can’t tell Keith what Lance truly feels towards Keith’s career but at the same time, he doesn’t feel right keeping this information from Keith either.

_It sucks being the friend in the middle._

Keith watches Hunk and knows he’s withdrawing some things from Keith but he doesn’t blame him. It’s hard being stuck between two friends. He’s trying to be fair and Keith appreciates it.

“Sometimes it’s not bad to give in and spoil Lance a little,” Hunk says. “A relationship is like a push and pull thing. He’ll see your efforts and open up.”

Keith gapes at Hunk. If waiting up for Lance and making breakfast isn’t enough to show Keith’s efforts then he’s at a lost. “Then what else should I do to get him to talk?”

Hunk scratches his face. Hunk didn’t think Keith would actually listen and ask for more advice so he didn’t plan this far.

“Uhh…you know, be more upfront and ask him if he doesn’t like your career,” Hunk stammers. “If you’re too shy then I’m going to tell you right now that all those ‘run-ins’ with Lance—” Hunk chuckles, “—after class in second year weren’t coincidences. He tried pretty hard to get to know you and I’m sure he’s still trying hard to work things out. He’s just confused and needs to talk it out with someone.”

“And that’s where I come in.” Keith grins, remembering all the times he chatted with Lance after their Latin and Greek vocabulary class. They did talk quite a bit so this means that Lance must have worked pretty hard to make those talks happen. It gives Keith confidence because if these things flew under his radar then how many other things are still unknown to him. “Don’t worry, I’ll get it out of Lance eventually.”

Hunk smirks, glad that Keith seems so confident in making their relationship work.  

 

***

 

Lance’s head rocks to the blaring music in the bar. It’s deafening and Lance can feel the beat pulsing through his body as the floor continues to shake. If Lance was still a freshmen then he would love this crazy, ear-wrenching place but Lance is too old for hangovers. This shows how many crazy things he’s done as a frat boy because he’s too young to be too old for these things.

However it is a regular thing for him and his work crew to frequent random bars to critique their drinks—it sounds douchy and it is a jerky thing to do but they do it for laughs and keep it to themselves so no one’s getting hurt—plus some of them end up making some good memories with other bar-goers. This outing happens to overlap with someone’s birthday so they decided to skip the dive and sports bar and go to a nightclub for a bit of fun but Lance knows that their fun is different from his fun.

Lance watches them huddled around the small circular table with his barback arguing with the other bartender for the small bowl of chips. They were dropping more chips than they were actually eating and Lance wonders if the shots have gotten to them already. Lance laughs and pictures are being taken and he enjoys this persona of himself. He’s bartender Lance with the easy smiles, words that naturally fall off his tongue, with no problems in the world. This is who he is when he’s working, with the hotel staffs and he likes this freelance, relaxed side to him but he knows it’s a momentarily fix. Lance needs a fix because he’s tired of talking about himself and his “concerns” for the future.

Allura brought up fifth year again and he considers it but he doesn’t know what courses to take? Then Pidge mentioned a year off but what is he to do with all that free time? Being alone with his thoughts seems more like torture than anything else. He could volunteer but that begs the question of where. There’s so many things to consider that it gives him a raging headache and heightens his anxiety.

These worries make his problem seem worse than they actually are and Lance hates this helpless side of him.  

Lance hears his name and focuses back on them. His barback offers Lance a shot and he doesn’t know what’s in it but takes it with a smirk. He chugs it quickly and feels the burn traveling up his throat—whatever it was, it’s strong and Lance is going to suffer later on. His barback is coughing while beating his chest and Lance gives him another smug grin.

“That was hard liquor,” his barback coughs some more and Lance chuckles.

“You have a long way to go if you want to top me,” Lance mocks. The conversation floats to them trying to decide what spirited shots to take. Lance joins in, giving his snarky comments here and there but his mind always wonders back to another thing eating his mind.

_Keith._

He loves him, he loves him a lot, but there’s this quiet anxiety when he thinks of Keith, of them. They haven’t even graduated yet but Lance is force to think about the future, his future with Keith and his own future. It’s a lot of baggage to think for another person and Lance is being weighted down. He can barely think for himself and the present, let alone his future and Keith’s. It makes their relationship so much more serious and even though Lance has never thought of marriage but he knew they would be long-term, he just didn’t expect them to start thinking so seriously.

Lance wonders if he’s thinking too much? Should he be so upset over something that hasn’t even happened yet?

These thoughts come to mind before he sleeps, after he wakes up and whenever he sees Keith. It’s going to ruin their relationship if he continues to let it plague his mind but he has to stop his thoughts before they completely destroy what Keith and him built. The thought of fighting his own thoughts makes Lance sad because it proves that he’s the reason why there are so many problems in the first place.

It’s just Lance and his thoughts causing him and other people trouble but sometimes Lance wonders why it has to be him? Why does he have so many problems trying to keep someone with him? Why is he the only one being tormented over these things when everyone else makes it look so easy figuring out their life? It makes him feel lonely, like he’s the only one struggling, like something’s wrong with him, like he’s the only one fighting this battle. 

He doesn’t want to talk about his thoughts nor does he want to think about them so he’s happy to be going out, to down his shots so these upsetting thoughts can drown in the alcohol that he consumes. Soon his world starts spinning and he can’t think without something hammering his head. It’s a numbing feeling but Lance welcomes this over anything else.

 

***

 

Lance wakes up the next morning, not knowing the time, place or even who he is for a second. That’s when he knows things got too wild, even for him. His ears are ringing, the world is _still_ spinning and he can’t think without pain surging through his head.

He really is getting too old for these rowdy nights.

Then he hears something, a low murmur and this is the first time that Lance actually takes a good look at his surroundings.

It’s a lavish hotel room with the drawn curtains, over-the-top comforters and some old, historian paintings on the wall. This is going to cause a dent in his wallet but he can afford it with the hours work has been giving him.

Then his eyes finally scan the entirety of the room and his throat goes dry.

There’s another person sharing this bed with him and it isn’t Keith.

They’re both naked and Lance is suddenly feeling very cold.

_What has he done._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to slide this nice tidbit of info: keith speaks korean with his mom, hence the change in front. 
> 
> There's more angst to come and more things are going to go down so keep a look out :) happy holidays!!!!!!


	3. The Blues of Reality

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> back with another update! BRACE YOURSELF FOR THE ANGST!! like if you thought the last chapter was bad, this is going to give you a new perspective. :)

Lance sits on the bench outside their school library, with a handy book and a quick periodic glance at his watch. Keith’s evening shift ends in fifteen minutes and Lance has his favourite iced tea. Lance knows that he eventually has to tell Keith about what happened this morning and knowing Keith, the sooner he finds out the better. Despite knowing this, Lance doesn’t know how to bring it up.

How is he supposed to start?

_I woke up this morning to a random, naked person in the same bed as me.  I was drunk and slept with someone at the party. I don’t know who the person is but I’ll never see them again. I’m sorry, so sorry Keith._

It’s not like Lance cheated on Keith, he definitely didn’t. He scratches his head in frustration, wondering what he would call last night then? A one night stand? An unintentional one night stand? Doing bad things under the influence of alcohol? Lance wishes that he doesn’t have to remember these things or better yet, wishes that these things weren’t happening to him in the first place.

A simple night out wasn’t supposed to turn out like this. They were supposed to make him forget, make him feel better but that didn’t happen. When he called the other hotel staffs this morning, most didn’t pick up and the few that did, were still hungover. This spoke so much volume for the unfathomable chaos that happened last night.

He pinches the bridge of his nose, a small headache crawling about.

He sighs, feeling like crap but knows that it’s only going downhill from here so he might as well enjoy this rare moment of peace.

 

***

 

“Hey Keith, come over here,” Keith’s co-worker calls out. Keith peers up from his computer screen, finishing up with his last set of data.

“In a minute—”

“Lance is outside.”

Keith’s suddenly up from his seat and across the room in record time to look out the window. He sees Lance on the bench across the street, reading a book. Keith spies a cup of iced tea beside him and grins. It’s been a while since Lance showed up at his workplace and Keith used to find it so embarrassing but now, he’s really glad to see him here.

“It’s been a year and you guys are still so cheesy,” his co-worker remarks, teasing with a smirk playing at their lips.

“Shut up.” Keith turns around to hide his grin and resume working. If he didn’t finish inputting this last set of data then he’ll have to stay overtime and he definitely didn’t want that.

“You’re very cute though,” his co-worker laughs. “You are _so_ happy to see him, look at you.”

Keith gives them a glare but quickly ducks back to his computer, feeling his face heating up even more.

Okay, so Keith is secretly a little happy that Lance is here, just a _little_ _bit_ though.

 

***

 

A shadow looms over Lance’s book and he looks up, startled and nearly drops his book when he sees Keith standing in front of him. Keith chuckles and Lance tries to push a smile out but memories of this morning comes back so now he’s forcing himself to suppress the unpleasant frown.

“I was supposed to catch you by surprise,” Lance comments and stands up to pass Keith his iced tea.

“You could have went inside to surprise me.” Keith takes a sip and steals a glance at Lance. Something must be up for Lance to come to his workplace all of a sudden. Keith might be hoping for too much but maybe Lance found something about his own career? Maybe he has something to say about Keith’s career? Maybe he has the solution to solve the growing problem between them?

They haven’t talked about his career in a while but just because they weren’t talking about it doesn’t mean Keith is going to stop his plans. He’s still communicating with Lucas and Keith’s going to see his doctor next week to fill out his immunization record forms so he can start his volunteer placement as soon as possible. Keith isn’t going to put the brakes on his career, not even for Lance.

Lance shrugs and lies. “I didn’t want to bother you.” Lance catches Keith staring and for the first time today, Lance smiles and it’s a genuine one. “How was work?”

“The same old. Entering data into our online database.”

“You’ve been doing this job for a while, you don’t get bored?” Lance points out. Keith’s had this job for two years now and it’s the same old ‘copying words, translating basic Greek or Latin to English or uploading images to the online library website.’ Lance would have left the job out of boredom but Lance isn’t Keith who likes stability, the one who thinks ‘no change is a good thing.’ Keith can do the same thing every day and be grateful for the consistency.

“I don’t mind it,” Keith replies. “So how was last night?”

“Sorry, I didn’t tell you I wasn’t coming home.” The sinking feeling gets worse and Lance knows he has to bring the topic up. He has to but he doesn’t want to wreck this delicate moment between them—it’s been a while since they’ve chatted like this and if last night didn’t happen then Lance would be up in the clouds right now, happy for this opportunity, not sinking deeper and deeper underground.

“It’s fine.” Keith throws a startled glance at Lance. He feels a bit odd at what Lance said. Keith’s been to one of their outings before and vowed never to go again. He isn’t surprised that Lance didn’t come home so he doesn’t have to be so polite about it. This only emphasizes that there is some sort of strange, cold-war going on between them. “I know how crazy those outings get.”

 _Too crazy_ , Lance thinks and the whole situation almost gets too unbearable. He’s finding it hard to talk, as if he’s lying or hiding something by not telling Keith every chance that he’s given but he really doesn’t want to wreck whatever they have now, this rare semblance of a conversation. He considers putting it off but he can’t. He can’t put it off. Keith doesn’t deserve that and Lance’s not that kind of guy. 

So Lance makes a promise to himself to tell Keith before the day ends.

_He has to do it._

Lance then picks a random topic and chatters about it, to distract himself from the shame bubbling underneath his forced persona, to prevent Keith from thinking that something was wrong.

Keith notices that Lance becomes considerably talkative but doesn’t question anything and just goes along with it. His eyes land on Lance’s hands which were stuffed in his pocket. It isn’t like Keith wanted to hold hands but they usually _do_ hold hands so he’s expecting that they will. Still, he’s glad that Lance is animatedly talking about his book which focuses on the Spanish Inquisition in the 1400s and the insecurities amongst the crown and citizens of the Spanish kingdoms. Keith isn’t sure why Lance is reading this book but he’s excited for it so Keith hangs onto his every word.

Finally, they reach home and Lance knows he can only go on for so long about the forced conversions of the religious minorities before Keith suggest they do something like watch a movie or play video games. Lance definitely doesn’t want to tarnish the good mood that the movies or video games set out for them so it means that…Lance has to do something _now._

He’s mentally giving himself a prep-talk as Keith sets his drink down. Lance walks over to the couch and panics when he sees Keith darting to their room.

“Keith…” Lance calls out, sounding a lot more urgent than he meant to.

Keith turns around, a bit alarmed. “Yeah?”

Keith’s looking at Lance, his eyes asking him the questions his mouth can’t. Lance’s throat goes dry and he’s worried of his voice cracking. He closes his eyes, feeling the smallest pang of a headache again.

When he opens them again, he sees Keith with a coat of concern on his face. “Lance?”

Now Lance is getting nervous, his anxiety piking the longer he locks eyes with Keith. He pats the seat beside him on the couch and Keith follows with a confused glance.

When Keith is beside him, Lance turns to Keith to hold onto both of his hands. He doesn’t want to let go of them but he’s overcome with apprehension, fright that Keith won’t take this news well. Keith might be angry, frustrated and give up on them because Lance is hopeless and keeps messing up.

Keith stares at their held hands, the first touch they’ve had all day. Lance is being more than just strange, he’s panicky and tongue-tied. Not many things can render Lance speechless and Keith wants to ask what’s wrong but something stops him, something makes him freeze on the spot; maybe it’s fear that Lance doesn’t like Keith’s career, maybe it’s Keith being scared of change. So many things are changing and Keith is trying to cope with these changes but it gets overwhelming when they all come at him at once.

Seeing Lance like this, Keith really has to question when their relationship got so complicated that Lance can’t even talk to him.

“I’m here, Lance,” Keith says, giving their laced hands a nudge. “What’s up?” He catches Lance’s eyes then Lance glances away. Lance exhales a long breath and takes another sharp intake. 

“I have something to say.” Lance’s eyes are on Keith’s again. Lance’s eyes are so earnest but clouded with a shadow of doubt and hesitation. Regardless of what Lance says, Keith is resolved to accept all that troubles Lance.  

Keith nods and Lance breaks eye contact again, not able to meet Keith’s strong glaze without wanting to back up and crumble into pieces.

_How is Lance supposed to tell him when Keith is looking at him like this?_

_Please let this work out,_ he muses.

Lance starts, gripping their hands harder.  “So yesterday, I went for drinks with the crew and things got out of hand.”

If not for the heavy mood then Keith would have made a joke _because when do things not get out of hand_. “Yeah.”

“I don’t _even_ know what happened after the first few shots. A-and…and this morning…” Lance’s voice cracks and suddenly, Keith feels like he needs an airbag to brace himself for the impact, an armor to protect him from Lance’s words. The room’s getting smaller and the world’s closing in on Keith as Lance struggles and struggles to get his words out.

“I woke up in bed with someone else.”

It’s as if the room swallows Keith whole and he’s engulf in total darkness, grasping for air. There is no floor underneath because he feels like he’s falling into a pit of nothing.

Keith was wrong, so wrong. He needed more than just an airbag and armor. He needed a parachute to stop him from falling so fast, a mask to stop the violent winds from clawing at him so harshly, an air cushion to break his crash to the ground. There are so many emotions coursing through him and it makes his chest tighten up. He doesn’t know what to feel but he’s nauseous and wants to throw up. He wishes he could throw up his emotions too.

Keith swallows a lump in his throat and he bites his lips, processing this information. It felt like a slap, a push from the tallest mountains and Keith very well wants time to stop, anything to stop this moment because it’s like he forgets how to breathe, how to carry on living.  

“Did I do something wrong?” He utters in a low, uncertain whisper. He wills his voice not to crack, not to show any sign of weakness, not to show him falling apart and cracking open for Lance to see his pain.

_What did he do wrong for this to happen?_

_When did things go wrong in the first place?_

_Why is this happening to him when he’s chasing after his dream job? Why is some unseen force dragging him from the peak of bliss to the pits of sorrow?_

Lance’s fingers go limb and his face pales in shock after hearing Keith ask that. He had to do something, _anything_ , to stop Keith from feeling and thinking like this so he pulls Keith into a clumsy embrace, one that’s so crushing in hopes that it can heal the tiniest of his wounds.

Lance is a scum, the lowest of the low for making Keith feel like this, like Keith _did_ something wrong when it was really Lance fucking up. If anyone had fingers pointing at them, had to shoulder the blame then it’s Lance, not Keith. So please let Lance take the fall, take all the guilt because he deserves it, not Keith. Keith doesn’t deserve any of it.  

Keith doesn’t hesitate in wrapping his arms around Lance. It’s the second touch of the day but the first embrace in forever. This moment feels so fleeting, so fragile that if Keith doesn’t grab on to it then it’ll slip between his fingers and get lost in the dark void underneath him.

Keith closes his eyes and burrows his face into Lance’s shoulder, trying to calm his emotions with Lance’s familiar smell. Things have been so wrong lately and he didn’t like it. He wants to forget what Lance told him, wants to erase the ugly smudge in their relationship but how? How is he going to get rid of such a big, ugly stain?

 

***

 

Keith leaves the apartment when the sky is pitch black and the car headlights are the brightest things in the night. He doesn’t know where he’s going but he knows that he doesn’t want to be home, not with Lance’s words hanging heavy in his mind.

_I woke up in bed with someone else._

So he keeps walking and walking until he gets to the closest station and gets off at a random subway stop. He’s in an unfamiliar area with so much green, so many houses and big roads but he finds it comforting, the most comfortable he’s felt all evening.

Part of that comfort comes from knowing that if he’s lost then he can always find his way back but the biggest comfort is from knowing that no one knows know him and he knows no one. He wants to be lost, uninterrupted as he gazes up at the dark cloudy skies to guide him.

Maybe this is what Lance sees when he wanders the night. Maybe his skies aren’t as cloudy, maybe there are more stars, maybe it’s always raining in his sky. Whatever it is, Keith wants to see what he sees to understand him a little better, to understand his struggles and triggers.

Keith wonders if his dream caused this downward spiraling of their relationship? What if he hurt Lance in the process of making his decision. The questions keep coming with no answer. He sighs, feeling more helpless as the sky continues to look unchanged.

No one should be hurt because of Keith’s decision. The only person that should be responsible, that should bear the burden of being hurt is him. However, things didn’t turn out like that so Keith is utterly confused.

_Was he wrong? Was Lance wrong? Or did they both do something wrong to cause this?_

Despite the whole ordeal that happened, Keith’s not angry at Lance for sleeping with another person. Instead, there’s this looming doubt that they’re not meant to be, that Lance and Keith don’t fit well with each other but how can that be when they put so much effort into their relationship? Endured all those dumb fights and establish ridiculous house rules so they’re not at each other’s throat.

Keith believes that fate makes up 3 parts of his life and the remaining 7 is all him so he works hard to keep a leash on his life, to control it and not let it flow with fate. But if Keith works hard in keeping their relationship and things _still_ go wrong then what can he do? Is it a warning sign that something’s not meant to be? That they’re not meant to be?

 

***

 

Lance wakes up the next morning to emptiness, figuratively and literally. Keith didn’t cry from Lance’s confession but the way his voice sounded so timid and soft made Lance worry more. And Lance was right to worry because he’s patting down the spot beside him in bed and it’s cold to the touch.

Keith didn’t sleep in bed yesterday and Lance sits there, dumbfounded. He doesn’t even know when left, where he went off too and if he grabbed a coat because the nights can be chilly. Lance wonders if these are the questions that Keith had when Lance used to leave in the middle of the night.

He adds this to the growing list of why he’s a scum.

Lance waits and waits for Keith, skipping breakfast because no one made it for him and he doesn’t want to eat alone. However noon rolls by with no signs of Keith and Lance decides to stop waiting. Lance wonders if this is foreshadowing their future, his lonely future.     

What if Keith going off in the middle of the night is his way of expressing himself to Lance? What if he’s fallen out of love and has given up on mending whatever remains of their fragmented relationship? Lance knows that the holes in their relationship is his fault, they’re due to the quiet nights Keith spent alone, the avoidance, the game of broken telephone they’ve been playing.

He’s the reason why their efforts aren’t adding up, aren’t stacking up to strengthen their relationship. He’s why there are more questions than answers, more problems than solutions.

Lance pulls his legs up to his chest and continues to sit in the bed with a contemplative look on his face. He doesn’t want to wreck more of what they have but he doesn’t know what to do to keep the pieces of their relationship together.

Maybe he should put a halt to their relationship, to press the pause button before moving forward. A break to think things through, to figure stuff out on his own before he and Keith can come up with the solutions together.

A break is what Lance needs.

 

***

 

Allura spots Keith in the library’s café, holding a questionably thick book but his eyes are anywhere but the book. She waltz over, ready to point that out but stops short when she gets a good look at his face. With them doing their own thing the summer, none of them have the time to hold a decent conversation with each other but Allura didn’t need to talk to know that something’s bothering Keith.

“You and Lance are really going for the couple look,” Allura teases, deciding to approach him using the safe route because being direct has its consequences. “You both have the puffy eyes, awful skin and dark circle thing going on.”

She only knows what Lance is going through because he came to ask her about the prospects of a fifth year, how to do a fifth year, what he could do during the fifth year. She gave him all that she knew about a fifth year while trying to hide her surprise at him coming to her for help. Before, he would always brush it off whenever she mentioned it and she should have caught on that something big happened, something so big that it pushed Lance forward. What she did notice about Lance were his bloodshot eyes and the hanging bags underneath them. 

Keith puts his book down and smiles weakly at Allura’s joke. They both work at school so on days that their shifts kind of align, they wait for each other to finish so they can go home together. It’s another excuse to see each other more but Keith doesn’t mind waiting another hour if he can talk to Allura for an extra ten minutes.

“Thanks for your concern, though I know you’re not _that_ worried,” Keith replies starkly.

“C’mon, what’s up?” Allura asks, sitting beside Keith to give him a nudge. “You’re zoning out while reading the most interesting thing.”

Keith stares at Allura peculiarly, holding up his book. It’s about medical mycology and its usage during the medieval time—something that Keith would definitely not be reading it for pleasure. If he didn’t need to input data from the book into the database for work then he wouldn’t even open it.  

“Right, isn’t it exciting? You’re learning about the fungi!” Allura stares at him, waiting for a response. Keith laughs and it isn’t because it’s a great joke but Allura seems so proud of herself, so proud that he doesn’t want to dampen her excitement.

“You have to try harder if you’re going to pretend to like my jokes,” Allura scoffs and Keith smiles meekly while shrugging. _He’s trying hard enough._

After his smile dies, Keith stares absentmindedly at his book. He can try to laugh at Allura’s book because it only requires his effort, a relationship on the other hand requires more than just him trying, it requires two people to communicate and cooperate and he needed Lance on board.

“Allura, what do I do?” Keith asks dubiously, still looking at his book. “You know my dream…and Lance doesn’t like it.”

He didn’t tell any of their friends about what happened with Lance and judging from how they’ve been talking to him, Lance didn’t say anything either. This issue is too personal for Keith to talk about but there’s also the concern that Allura would full-out strangle Lance for abusing alcohol to the point of stupidity so he keeps quiet.

“Talk with Lance,” Allura urges, putting her hand on Keith’s arm to give him her support.

“I tried but things keep getting worse the more we talk. I feel like I shouldn’t have told him about my dream because then he would never have…” Keith stops himself in time, mentally slapping himself for almost slipping up. He really isn’t himself if he lacks so much self-control. He desperately wanted to get out of this strange shell and go back to his old shell—the one where he can be awkward Keith, the Keith that Lance loves.

Allura’s eyes grow big at Keith rambling. She moves closer, holding onto Keith’s arm to encourage him to continue. “What did he do?” She asks in a tender voice but Keith knows that Allura is ready to retaliate at any given time so Keith keeps his mouth sewed shut.

“Allura…” Keith trails off, turning to look at her. He touches her hand and moves it away from his arm. He doesn’t know what look he gives but her expression relaxes, her frown losing its sharp edge. “I don’t want to talk about it so…can we drop it? _Please?_ ”

He really doesn’t want to think about last night and if this will stop her from prying then he will use the pity card to his advantage.

Keith’s voice is on the verge of begging and she has never seen Keith so vulnerable, shrink so small. So she nods, respecting Keith’s feeble wish.

“Okay, I won’t mention it ,” Allura pledges and pats her shoulder. “You don’t have to talk but you look like you need help and if you need it then my shoulder is here for you.

Keith accepts and closes his eyes to rest his head on her shoulder.

 _He’s tired, lost and confused._ He doesn’t know what to make of the mess he just caused with Allura and the one that’s happening at home with Lance. He just feels apologetic towards Allura for being so ambiguous and spouting nonsense, apologetic towards Lance for dropping the sudden bomb about work.

Maybe he’s too coarse and approaches things too rigidly, lacking the delicacy to handle sensitive matters and ends up hurting the people closest to him.

But the damage has been done and all he wants now is for things to get better miraculously.

_He needs a miracle._

“What if we break up?” His question comes out as a small, scared whisper. His hands start trembling and Keith has to clasp them together so the shaking isn’t noticeable.

He finally said it, the thing he’s scared of. Keith knows that Lance doesn’t like his career because of the distance it causes between them. He can forgive Lance for everything, for his mistakes but he can’t pardon his dream for Lance. Even calling it his dream means something to him. It’s so important to him that he doesn’t want to give it up but does that mean he has to give up Lance?

Allura exhales a long breath, letting Keith continue. Keith doesn’t need advice right now, he just needs to sort out his feelings to understand what they mean. He needs someone to listen to him because right now, he’s confused about what to feel. As a friend, her job is to listen and give him comforting pats on the head to let him know that whatever happens, she’s here to give him more pats.

_She’ll be here as long as Keith needs her to be._

The problem with the situation is that she can’t be partial because she knows both Keith and Lance, both too well. She knows their personality, what makes them fidget with anxiety, beam with joy. So she knows about Keith’s dream and what it means to him but she also knows that Lance is not happy with that dream but he puts up with it for Keith’s sake

She knows Keith well enough to understand the flickering gaze in his eyes, the stubborn look that means Keith won’t change his mind. His dream career right now is his main focus, his entire world and he’s running fast towards it. When Keith is like that then he develops tunnel vision with his dream being the only thing he sees. Nothing can get in his way and nothing will stop him. This is something extremely admirable about Keith but it can also be incredibly frustrating when you’re outside of his field of vision. Lance must have felt this when Keith told him about his dream, like a ‘ _what about me, what about me Keith?’_ kind of feeling and that feeling is something Keith misses because he’s too busy staring dreamy-eyed at his dream.

It’s a hard and sticky situation and she can’t be too opinionated because it is _their_ relationship after all. She never imagined that the situation would be tough enough to warrant Keith stressing over a potential break-up. A break-up is the last thing on her mind but Keith’s stress speaks for the severity of the situation.

“I’m sorry Keith, I don’t know what to say.” _She wish she did though._ She wishes that she knew the solution that will erase their troubles and bring them back to being the sappy couple they once were.   

Keith sits up, he’s done recharging and not liking the tense atmosphere he’s caused. He shouldn’t be moping over his problem, instead he should work even harder to solve it. It’s not like him to be like this and he doesn’t like it when he’s so vulnerable. He has to snap out of it, he has to be Keith Kogane.

“It’s enough that you’re here, thanks,” Keith replies. “I’m just scared that it means I don’t love Lance enough, I mean, you see people leaving their jobs, moving across oceans for their lover. But I’m not able to do that. I love him but…”

“You do love him, we can all see that. Lance knows that and that’s why it’s hard for him,” Allura remarks. Because they love each other, that’s why they’re having this awkward, stand-off period. If they could just call off their relationship and go their own ways, then they would have done it long ago. It’s because they have so many things between them, the memories, the feelings and this connection that they so want to desperately keep—that is why they can’t just get up and go.  

“We have a funny way of loving each other.” Keith frowns. Why is it so hard for them to love each other? Be happy with each other, respect their dreams and wishes and live alongside each other.

The only thing Keith is certain of right now is that he doesn’t want to break up. He doesn’t want them to end because of this. He loves Lance that much and will try to do everything he can to salvage their relationship. So he’s going to work harder to ensure that it doesn’t happen. But for the first time, Keith questions his plan. What will he do if they do break up? How is he going to cope with that awful reality? How is he going to move on?

He sighs in frustration and Allura is distraught at Keith looking like he wants to pull out every single strand of his hair. Allura doesn’t like lying and giving false hope so she shuts up and wraps her arms around Keith’s shoulder to give him a gentle squeeze. It was the least she can do to be true to herself and to help Keith which in her opinion, did not help him at all.

 

***

 

Lance comes home to Keith sleeping on the couch. He glances at his phone and sees two missed calls from him. His heart swells with warmth but is soon overcome with remorse. He really doesn’t deserve Keith being this considerate, heck he doesn’t deserve Keith’s forgiveness at all.

Lance sits on the arm of the couch and reaches down to touch Keith’s face. This is the most peace Lance’s had with Keith in a while and he would like to keep it this way but suddenly, Keith starts stirring and Lance retracts his hand immediately.

Keith opens his eyes and Lance smiles at him.

“You should have slept inside, your back is going to ache,” Lance comments from experience.

Keith responds in small, incoherent murmurs and sits up to rub his eyes. Lance’s grin grows at his sleepy form.  He doesn’t want to end this moment but he doesn’t want to ruin it any more than he already has. He sighs and moves to sit down beside Keith with their arms are touching.

“Listen…” Lance trails off and Keith nods. “I’ve been thinking…”

Sirens go off in Keith’s head, a big sign of danger. All the times Keith had wondered where Lance was, the wavering fright that Keith messed up, that Keith doesn’t deserve Lance, that he doesn’t deserve anyone for that matter comes back to make his knees buckle.

If it’s another confession then Keith doesn’t want to hear it so he pulls Lance down and kisses him. It’s hasty and sloppy and bold—it’s also unlike of him. Keith doesn’t know what he’s doing but all he knows is that he doesn’t want Lance to keep going, to keep talking because what if he says something Keith doesn’t want to hear, what if Lance wants to end their relationship.

Lance feels the urgency and haste behind the kiss. It’s a desperate attempt on Keith’s part to stop things, to stop this moment from passing but it feels so wrong. Something’s not right about the kiss, it’s all actions with no passion.

Keith isn’t being himself.

This is not what Lance wants.

When Lance feels chilly fingertips grazing his stomach, he grabs Keith’s hand to put a stop to it, to stop them from spiraling down even more.

He pulls away and holds onto Keith’s face, forcing Keith to look at him in the eye. “Keith, we need to talk.”

Lance is conflicted because he knows that they should take a break before they end up making more mistakes then regretting them. With everything that’s happened, they need a break from the emotional roller coaster that they both got strapped onto. They need to walk on steady ground, to regain their balance and sort out their feelings.

Keith shakes his head and looks down, not being able to look Lance in the eyes. “I don’t want this.”

“Keith…” Lance’s voice is gentle and Keith leans forward so his forehead touches Lance’s shoulder.

“I don’t want to talk about this today,” Keith mumbles. “Please.”

Lance closes his eyes, giving in and rests his chin on top of Keith’s head, his hands pulling a quivering Keith into a hug. “Okay, we won’t talk about it today.”

They have to talk about it eventually but with Keith so small and fragile in his arms right now, Lance doesn’t have the heart to go against Keith’s wishes.

They end up sleeping with their backs touching. They needed that one touch but they couldn’t face each other without being moved to the point of tears. Keith balls the blanket into a fist, realizing how bad things really are and how these things are out of his control. It all points in one direction and Keith wishes that the night wouldn’t end. Even if it’s awkward with their backs toward each other, Keith would rather this reality because at least, he still has Lance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> got some bad news: so the last 15k isn't going to be edited until after the new years bc I realized how busy I'm going to be so many apologies!! I do hope that you enjoy the last two chapters that I've uploaded :) lots and lots of angst my lovely people. the next chapter isn't better, if not worse, but the next one will be the most angsty so that's a relief haha. 
> 
> this chapter was super hard to write because my heart hurts for keith so much. precious boy tries so hard for things to work out but :(( 
> 
> happy holidays again, happy new year. i hope you y'all enjoy 2017 and leave 2016 with tender kisses.


	4. Achings of the Heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the pinnacle of angst so if you survived then you're good!! there are slightly brighter days ahead so pull through, soldier! :)) 
> 
> i dont know where you guys are all are but it's snowing heavily here and in places with the same latitude so please watch out for the slippery roads (whether you're a driver or pedestrian) and stay warm!!! 
> 
> this chapter broke me in a lot of ways because there's a lot of things that keith and lance are going through. they all have their own battles and insecurities and this really entangles the problem even more. their friends wanting them to stay together but wanting them to be happy at the same time; somehow, this formula doesn't work to a positive answer but instead, it's a negative one :(

Lance prepares sickeningly-sweet strawberry pancakes for Keith because they’re his favourites. However he isn’t sure he’s making them to apologize or show his gratitude—the only thing Lance is certain of is that he’s making them out of love. He wonders when he started to question his loving gestures for Keith? When did they get plagued with so many questions?

He’s worried of questioning their relationship, the motives behind each action because he knows the doubt and uncertainties will slowly consume him. He doesn’t want the happiness they work so hard for to be tainted with mistrust. With the way Keith acted last night, Lance is all the more certain he’s doing the right thing.

The bedroom door creaks open and Lance sees Keith coming out with a yawn.

“Good morning,” Lance greets and Keith nods, yawning some more.

Keith is sleepy and ashamed for his behavior last night. He never imagined that he’d ever act so out of line, so anxious like that and it was all to stop Lance from talking, to stop them from throwing the last few fragments of their relationship into the garbage.

His eyes land on breakfast and he smiles at the pancake, seeing the strawberries and his red mug with coffee despite having no appetite to eat, not after last night.

Lance watches Keith stare at the pancake, making no move to eat. “You’re not hungry?”

Keith shakes his head, staying insanely quiet. It’s not unexpected since he’s not a morning person but he’s not only being unspoken but also unresponsive and dry with his answers.  

“I think you know what I’m getting to,” Lance says, taking a sip of milk from his blue mug.

Keith still shows no sign of a response and Lance bites his lower lip, unsure if he should continue but he knows he has to.

_He has to do it for them._

“We should break up.” Lance’s voice shakes but it’s firm. Keith finally looks up, giving Lance the attention he so desperately wants. Lance’s heart breaks when he sees the look of hurt on Keith’s face but he has to do it, he has to continue. “I don’t think you’re too surprised considering how things have been…”

Keith’s eyes get misty and he’s trying hard to stop himself from trembling, to keep himself together. Keith doesn’t like it when he becomes so needy, so stirred with emotion because it’s so unlike him.

_It’s not the Keith he wants to be._

_He turns into someone he doesn’t know and like._

So for the first time throughout this whole ordeal, Keith thinks a break up might actually be the solution to their problems. It might sort out the mess that has become of their relationship, to allow them to mature into someone they won’t regret, someone who will and can make confident choices.

Yet Keith doesn’t have it within him to tell Lance this. Keith can’t shake off the thought because he loves Lance and he knows that Lance loves him so why is this happening? Why can’t they be together? Why do they have to break up to solve their problems?

Lance watches Keith, still fixated on the pancakes, and knows that he can’t get him to talk so he continues. He knows how awful those thoughts can be and he doesn’t want them to haunt Keith so he’s going to talk to make sure Keith understands why and how Lance came to his decision. The most important thing for Lance is to make sure Keith knows that he didn’t do anything wrong for the break-up to happen.

“It’s not you, okay,” Lance stresses, pulling his gaze from Keith. He feels the tears coming and he wants to stop them before he turns into a sobbing mess. He needs to make it clear that this isn’t something he wants to do but he thinks it’s for the best. “I want to figure my own stuff out before I end up running in circles and dragging more people with me.”

“Is it about your future?” This is the first thing Keith’s said all morning and Lance nods, embarrassed to be admitting it. He thought the issue was small but no, it’s growing bigger day by day and he doesn’t know what to do to stop it from growing, let alone solve it.

“I don’t know how it became like this, how things got so out of hand,” Lance admits honestly. “In the beginning, it was my problem and I didn’t know what to do but now the problem is affecting you and the people around me.”

“It isn’t affecting me, we don’t have to break up because of it,” Keith rebukes, knowing fully well that he’s being difficult but he really doesn’t want to end it when they could talk it out. “We can try to solve it together or–”

“Keith…” Lance stops Keith but speaks softly. He’s not happy that Keith’s being so stubborn because these things are _his_ problems, things he should own up to. Everyone has their own battles to fight and Lance shouldn’t be making Keith fight two of them because he’s incompetent.

The last thing Lance wants is to depend on people to solve his own shit.

Lance is taking on so much by himself and it hurts Keith to see him like this. Why doesn’t Lance reach out for help? Why doesn’t he talk to Keith about it? Why would he rather go through this alone than depend on Keith? Keith is here with Lance so why is he closing his doors and shutting him out?

_It doesn’t make sense to him._

“Why won’t you talk to me?” Keith pleads, on the verge of tears now. Things aren’t adding up and it’s throwing him off and clouding his thoughts. What does their relationship mean to Lance for him to do this?

Lance winces at Keith’s words; it stings, it stings so much.

“Lance, talk to me,” Keith repeats, raising his voice louder. He uses his sleeve to wipe at the tears at the corner of his eyes. _“Please.”_

_Just say something, anything._

_Don’t leave him like this._

Keith’s shaking now and the tears are falling but he can’t stay composed. He doesn’t understand what’s happening or why it’s happening. He just knows that there are so many things he regrets and one of them is seeing Lance so wretched with despair as Keith stands there, powerless, not knowing what to do or say.

_He couldn’t ease Lance’s sorrows, his troubles._

_He couldn’t be there for Lance._

Keith knows Lance doesn’t want to break-up but he’s forcing himself to do it and it’s heartbreaking to watch. It’s another thing to add to Keith’s growing list of regrets. Keith feels responsible for driving Lance to the point of guilt. He owns some fault in Lance sleeping with someone else because Lance would never cheat.

Their relationship is causing them both so much pain and Keith doesn’t know how to fix it, how to remove the old and new stains. He feels like the more he tries, the more dirty their relationship gets. Keith hates this situation so much, he wants this moment to end.

Lance stares at the ceiling, his vision getting blurry too. It’s easier to tackle the problem on his own, it’s better to keep his troubles to himself rather than talking it out. He doesn’t want his weakness to be out in the open for everyone to see and pity. He doesn’t want people’s pity, it’s the last thing he needs on his overflowing plate. But hearing Keith say this upsets Lance because he knows he’s not going to do what Keith wants, ultimately causing Keith more pain. 

Lance never wants to hurt Keith but he’s been doing that so often lately.

_What kind of a boyfriend is he?_

“I feel like this is something I have to go through _alone_ , I need to find the answer by myself,” Lance confesses in a small voice. “I know you want to help but I feel so small compared to you guys. Watching as you all find your way, working hard for your dreams while I…get so ugly with envy. I don’t like it, Keith, and this makes me hate myself for being like this, for having these feelings. I don’t want you or anyone to see me like this.”

Right now, Lance is so disgusted with himself. Dirtier than the time he slept with someone else because now, he’s revealing his foulest thoughts, the thoughts that keep him up at night and fueling his self-hatred because he shouldn’t harbor such negativity towards his friends. What makes him the ugliest was getting Keith involved. Keith shouldn’t be crying and Lance wants nothing more than to keep Keith safe from his own anguish but how can he do that when he’s the one causing it?

The tears are streaming down his cheeks and there’s a lump in Lance’s throat. He’s messing up so much and he doesn’t know how to stop.

He clears his throat and exhales a long, shaky breath.

“Don’t beat yourself over this break-up though. Some things changed when you found your dream…” Lance says, stopping to rub at his eyes. Keith flinches at the mention of his career and closes his eyes to drown out Lance’s words.

_Stop talking, please stop talking._

_He doesn’t want to hear it._

“Change isn’t a bad thing, Keith,” Lance emphasizes, seeing Keith close himself up. “Maybe you outgrew me, maybe I need to catch up to you. Whatever it is, it’s okay. Things happen and it’s not your fault—”

“It’s not your fault either,” Keith interjects with a hoarse voice and Lance chuckles.

“Okay, it’s no one’s fault,” Lance agrees and stares at his mug. “It’s better to have someone who supports your dream instead of someone who stops you from chasing it, not that I’m stopping you but I’m not exactly motivating you either.” Lance gulps and he’s brushing more tears off his cheeks with the back of hand. “Sorry…I can’t bring myself to do it”

These are Lance’s true thoughts, the thoughts he can’t say out loud because he doesn’t want to upset Keith but in reality, he can’t accept and support Keith’s dreams no matter how hard he tries. He doesn’t want Keith to leave for years at time. He doesn’t want to be alone. It’s not the future Lance wants but it’s Keith’s future so he bites the inside of his mouth, clenches his hands into tight fists to force himself to swallow the harsh reality but he couldn’t do it. He can’t pretend anymore.

“I’m sorry Ke—”

“Stop,” Keith interrupts abruptly and pushes his chair out to stand up.

Keith knows for a while that Lance isn’t supportive of his dream but it hurts to hear him actually say it. His dream is a part of him, a part of his identity and who he is. If Lance doesn’t like it then it’s as if Lance is saying he doesn’t like him.

And Keith definitely doesn’t want to hear that.

He never expected his dream to cause Lance stress, to amplify Lance’s problems even more and create this unbearable growing distance between them. But his dream has that much power and Keith underestimated it. But why does his dream inspire him to reach greater heights while simultaneously kicking Lance further into the depths of despair. 

He never would have imagined that his dream would contribute to them breaking up but Keith needs to accept this bitter reality, the hard facts.

“I want to be alone right now,” Keith declares. In order to accept it, he needs time to cope, he needs a space where it’s just him and him alone. So he heads for the door, not waiting for a response.

Lance doesn’t stop Keith as he rushes past him, leaving his breakfast untouched, leaving the conversation hanging. When the door slams shut, Lance bites his lower lip again and takes a good look at the apartment, feeling overwhelmed at just how big the space is when he’s alone.

Lance leaves the kitchen, forgetting about breakfast himself and just crumbles onto the floor in the middle of the living room. There’s a twinge in his chest that’s suffocating him and he lets himself cry. His heart is beating so hard that it’s vibrating in his ears. It’s a sign his heart’s working hard to sustain his life but Lance wants his life to stop, to give him a break from everything that’s happening because he can’t handle any more that life has to offer.

 

***

 

Keith stays in the park for hours because he realized too late that he left the apartment without his wallet, keys or phone. However, he doesn’t want to go home and doesn’t want to bother his friends because he knows he’ll cry and he doesn’t want to cry. So he’s stuck here until he can come up with a better plan.

His mind can’t make out what exactly happened within the last few hours.

_We should break up._

_I feel like this is something I have to go through alone._

_I don’t want you to see me like this._

The words play in his mind and Keith doesn’t know how to respond. He wants to respect Lance’s boundaries but at the same time, he doesn’t agree with it. He wants to help Lance but he doesn’t know how to do it without crossing the line. How can he help when Lance doesn’t want it?

Why does Lance insist on taking the burden by himself? What’s the point of their relationship if Lance doesn’t feel comfortable enough to confide in Keith? What does he think of Keith then? As someone who’s only there for the good times? That’s not who Keith is but he wonders if Lance actually thought of him like this. Keith thought their relationship had more depth and because of that, he poured so much into it. Yet Lance didn’t have the same views so now, Keith is putting Lance at an arm’s length and looking at their relationship through a new and different perspective to see it for what it truly is.

What he does know is that a relationship takes two people to make it work and if Lance doesn’t want it then how can Keith be stubborn and hold on when one half of the relationship is gone? 

_I’m not exactly motivating you either._

Keith closes his eyes at the words that sting the most. Breaking-up should hurt a lot but knowing that Lance can’t support him does the most damage. Keith always thought that Lance would be his biggest supporter, the one who’s more happy for his dream than he is but he’s wrong, so wrong.

Maybe he expected too much from Lance, expected too much from their relationship so this outcome caught him off guard. He was unprepared so he ended up in this pathetic, confused state.

He should have talked to Lance about his dream instead of dropping the baggage on him so suddenly. When Lance avoided Keith, he should have been more persistent and demanded a talk. Instead of backing away, Keith should have charged forward.

Why did he put so much trust and happiness in Lance when he should have put that trust towards himself? He should have trusted himself to make him happy because then, he wouldn’t be stuck at a stupid park for hours pondering over it.

Keith stares ahead at the vast green field, admiring the children playing about. He tries to smile but his lips quiver and his hands tremble.

What Keith can’t accept is knowing that there were obvious cracks in the relationship but he didn’t see them in time. He failed so miserably to save what he holds so dear to him and Keith draws his knees up close.

It’s too late to do anything now. He can’t save their relationship. Lance wants to break up so Keith has to respect it, even if his mind can’t fully comprehend it.

More time passes and night falls. Keith scowls, knowing he wasted a whole day doing nothing but brooding and moping. He has to go somewhere, do something so he gets up and starts walking aimlessly again.

Looking up at the sky as he walks, Keith realizes he can never understand the splendor of the night. When he glazes at the sky, all he sees are blurry lights as he wipes at his eyes, trying to dab away at the tears.

He learns the hard way that when he and Lance look at the sky, they see and dream of completely different things.

Are Lance and him really that different? So different that they can’t see the same things? Even if Keith dedicates his whole life to the same sky, it’ll still be different from the one Lance sees and Keith can’t get over this grueling realization.

He stops in front of a building and there’s a sad smile drawn on his face. He somehow ended up at Pidge’s apartment.

So this is where his heart goes when he’s sad.

 

***

 

Pidge hears a weak knock and almost misses it if not for second and third knock that follows. She trots over to the door, a bit annoyed at the interruption. She was on a roll for designing this webpage for work but all her thoughts are muddled up when she opens the door to find Keith standing on the other side.

“Keith, what the heck?” Pidge asks and takes a closer look at him, watching him warily. Through the shaggy hair falling on his face, she sees his red eyes. “What happened?”

“Some things happened and I left without my phone or wallet or keys…I don’t want to be there,” Keith stammers with his eyes on the floor and hands in his pocket, having trouble trying to find the words that would make sense.

This is Keith telling Pidge to not ask anything, to give him support because he needs her to help him get through this so he can come out of it still breathing. Pidge softens and stands aside to let Keith in until a low rumble catches her attention. It’s coming from his stomach and he blushes.

“Do you want to grab a bite? I’ll treat you,” Pidge suggests, chuckling on the outside but on the inside, she’s really concerned. Something must have happen if Keith forgot so many things at home, that’s not Keith, that’s not him at all. Keith is forgetful and clumsy but not disorganized. He would never allow himself to be stuck in a situation like this.  

“You’re going to have to treat me anyways.” Keith laughs, feeling a sense of relief wash over him. It’s easy being with Pidge, she’s honest and doesn’t sugar-coat her words so Keith doesn’t have to second-guess her.

“I’ll get my stuff so we’re both not locked out,” Pidge teases.

“Thanks.” He pats her head and she scrunches her nose in disapproval at what he says and what he does.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Pidge says, slapping his hand away while bumping hips with him. Their relationship means the world to her so she doesn’t need a “thank you” or “I’m sorry” from him for her to know how he feels.

He smiles, trying his hardest to not remember the break-up. He wants this day to end on a good note so he’s going to forget it. He also doesn’t want to ruin the moment for Pidge and have her worry and comfort him.

When Pidge disappears to get her things, she sends a quick 911 text to Hunk, Allura and Shiro so they can check up on Lance. If he’s trying this hard to act normal then something big happened. If Keith’s like this, she assumes Lance isn’t any better. 

Unfortunately she’s right.

Lance isn’t any better.

 

***

 

There’s a ringing of the doorbell and Lance hears the doorknob turn. He stays in his curled-up position on the couch. Keith forgot his keys, wallet and phone at home so Lance left the door unlocked in case he returned.

He was hoping that Keith would come back but Lance knows it’s not Keith at the door.

He knows that breaking up is the right thing to do but he doesn’t like it, not at all. He doesn’t want to break up but how can he not when it’s for both of their sake. It’s so Lance doesn’t wound up in a greater state of confusion and Keith doesn’t waver when climbing the steps to his dream. It’s one of the few things Lance is _capable_ of doing in order to keep them true to themselves without any regrets. Lance doesn’t want Keith to reconsider his dream because of him but he doesn’t want to feel undermined when standing next to Keith. Their relationship comprises of such conflicting and complex emotions and Lance doesn’t know how to free himself from these heavy chains.

“You okay, buddy?” Hunk utters, taking extreme cautious when dealing with Lance. He doesn’t look like it but he’s extremely sensitive and delicate. When Lance senses something’s wrong, he gets so affected that it’s written all over his face. So seeing Lance balled up on the couch and breakfast on the table when it’s late into the evening has sirens going off in Hunk’s mind.

“We broke up,” Lance says dryly, not liking how the words sound coming out of his mouth. He feels the other side of the couch dip and Hunk is patting him on the back.

Hunk’s rendered speechless at how straight-forward Lance is. Pidge said to check up on Lance because Keith is at her place and he was not okay so Hunk was prepared to hear an endless rant about their latest fight. He knows they’ve been facing some rough patches but he also knows that they love each other. He thought everything would work out, just as it always has because they have love.

But a break-up? It’s astonishing but Hunk can guess why: Keith’s career caused Lance to feel overwhelmed and this feeds into his low self-esteem. Hunk has seen Lance panicking over his future for a while and he’s always ready and prepared to discuss it with him but Lance’s so stubborn in insisting that he’s fine, the problem is small but it isn’t. It isn’t a small problem if it caused this break up. Hunk hopes that Lance realized this himself before it continues to deteriorate other aspects of his life.

Dealing with an overly-sensitive and stubborn person is incredibly hard because Hunk wants to make a point but what if it upsets Lance to his breaking point? Hunk doesn’t want to lose Lance’s trust but he can’t let him continue like this.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, not really,” Lance answers, scratching the back of his neck. “Sorry, I know you have good intentions but…I don’t know.” Lance doesn’t know how else to express himself. It’s just a blank “I don’t know.” He doesn’t know what he’s doing, how he’s going to continue and what to even expect. The answer to every question he ever received is “I don’t know.”

Hunk can’t be tough on Lance, not when he looks _this_ dejected so he gives in—again.

“It’s fine. How about video games then?”

“Sounds good,” Lance says and walks over to set up the gaming system.

Hunk is stuck trying to decide what to do next. He considers giving Lance a prep talk, the “things suck but you’ll get through it” talk but he doesn’t because it sounds so patronizing, as if he’s downplaying the situation. It’s a big deal, it involves two people so he can’t guaranteed anything. Their relationship means so much to them that the word ‘love’ can’t contain what his two friends have. Because it holds so much meaning, Hunk has to be careful of his words.

“I’m here for you, Lance.”

“Thanks.” Lance grins but it’s half-hearted and doesn’t have his usual shimmer but Hunk will take what he can get. “Don’t think I’ll go easy on you though.”

It’s 2am and they just finished dinner. It’s another round of mario kart and Lance is shrieking because of a random blue shell caused his car to topple over. Hunk is smirking because he’s in the lead.

Lance appreciates him a lot, for his patience and not asking any questions, for letting Lance be Lance. He looks at Hunk from the corner of his eyes and smiles when Hunk comes in first. He’s giving his victory dance while Lance tells him to stop in-between his laughing fits. This is what Lance needs right now, he wants to feel something other than this sick, anguish feeling.

 

***

 

Things get awkward because they don’t talk. All that happens is Hunk coming over to Pidge’s place to hand over Keith’s phone, wallet and keys. Keith goes to his Mom’s apartment for the spare clothes he left there. Pidge comes over to their apartment to grab some books because Keith can’t live without them. They hang out with their friends separately and Keith and Lance knows it’s hard for them to not delve into the break-up. There’s a lot of tiptoing around the topic because the wounds are still fresh, making their hang-outs unbearably awkward. It’s partly because Shiro’s a terrible liar and a bad actor at hiding his worry but it’s all good intentions so both Keith and Lance appreciate their efforts.

Though sometimes, their friends asks them in hushed whispers _if they want to talk_ and both decline because it hurts too much to even think about it. The clock is still ticking but time stands still for both of them as they try to figure out and understand what went wrong and when their relationship took a slow turn for the worse. They don’t know the answer but they’re desperately chasing after it as if it would solve everything and bring them together.

The game of broken telephone between their friends continues for another two week.

During Keith’s stay at Pidge’s, he doesn’t eat properly—Pidge remarks that it’s _still_ his talent to be so self-insufficient but to be fair, Pidge doesn’t have a lot of food to work with. Though she shouldn’t be talking because her eating habits aren’t the best either. Together, they’re both just fumbling trying to live and maintain a decent lifestyle.

Keith laughs at the movie they’re watching and Pidge smiles softly. Keith looks at her questionably.

“It’s your first real smile since sleeping here in two weeks.”

“First real smile,” Keith repeats at the words. “That’s unlike you, Pidge.”

Keith feels the jab of her bony elbow and rubs the sore spot. It feels like first year again when they dormed together except they don’t have the luxury of dorm food and a don looking after them. They just have to rely on Keith’s improved cooking to get them through these weeks because Pidge hasn’t hone her culinary skills in the past two years that they’ve lived apart.

“So what are your plans? I don’t mind you staying over and rotating between three different shirts but you did co-sign the lease for the apartment.”

“I’m not sure yet.” Keith can’t live there with Lance anymore but the cost of the apartment is too much for Lance to shoulder alone. It wouldn’t make sense to lease the apartment out either. Keith isn’t an adult enough to handle this situation but knows he has to because he’s can’t let Lance deal with this issue by himself. He has to grow up and do things, even if they’re uncomfortable things.

“Well, you can stay here in the meantime.”

“I’m going to have to pay you for my stay here.”

“You don’t need to be so calculative Keith, I don’t care about those things.” This friendship is more to Pidge than the food Keith’s been eating and the water he expends—which to be honest, isn’t a lot of water.

“Yeah but I don’t feel right mooching off you,” Keith says. As much as they’re friends, her bills must have increased and she shouldn’t have to pay for his part. It’s good to draw some lines in their friendship.

“You’re not mooching off me.” Pidge rolls her eyes. Sometimes Keith was too focus on the small details that it creates distance in their relationship. “If you feel bad then just come grocery shopping with me and pay for it.”

Keith frowns, not sure if it’s right to pay for groceries in exchange for his long, overdue stay. Pidge doesn’t eat much anyways so it’s still a greater loss on her part. “I’ll pay for a month’s worth of groceries then.”

Sometimes Pidge feels like she’s talking to a wall but the big wall is Keith, her dear friend, so she has to continue talking to this wall. “We can’t even carry that much grocery back.”

“True…”

“Thanks for the thought though.”

And Keith gives Pidge his second real smile. 

 

***

 

It takes a lot of badgering from their friends, mainly Allura to get Keith and Lance to hold a conversation over the phone.

Lance tries to use the work excuse but it’s hard lying to Hunk because even though Hunk doesn’t live with him, they’re always together so Hunk has a pretty good grasp of his schedule. Though Lance knows the reason why Hunk comes over so often is because Hunk’s worried of leaving him alone for too long. And he’s right: Lance can bear the loneliness but he would prefer to have a friend over, even if Hunk is constantly nagging.

“You’re going to have to talk to him eventually,” Hunk reminds him, holding the phone to his ear because Lance can’t take the suspense of the dial tone. “His stuff is still here.”

“I know, I know but—” Lance is cut off when Hunk pushes the phone towards Lance’s ear. Prior to this call, Hunk had to ask Keith when he was free so he could schedule a call. Even though they both know this call’s happening, it doesn’t do much for Lance’s nervousness.

Lance wonders if Keith’s almost reluctant as him to take this call because after this, they’re done for good, the break-up is getting cemented. This is what Lance wants but maybe he was secretly hoping for a miracle. Maybe Keith would drop his career and do something else. However, even if this did happen, Lance knew that he, himself, wouldn’t be happy because there would be guilt and Lance would crumble from that alone.    

He hates how fickle he can be because then, what would make him happy?

 _“Hello?”_ Lance hears Keith’s voice and his throat goes dry.

“Hey.”

_“So…Our apartment.”_

“Yeah, we co-signed it so…” Lance doesn’t know what else to say. “We can either lease it to someone else, you live here or I live here.”

 _“Don’t lease it.”_ Keith abruptly replies.

“Okay,” Lance replies. “So do you want to continue living here?”

Lance is neutral about who lives here. Finding another place isn’t going to be hard with the upcoming schoolyear but he isn’t sure of Keith’s agenda. Though he knows with certainty that Keith is fine with anything as long as Lance isn’t there–this fact stings a little.   

“I don’t care either way,” Keith says. “Do you want to live there?”

“I don’t mind either.”

The only thing that’s difficult about their place is that there’s only one bedroom so either the living room turns into a makeshift bedroom or they live by themselves. Lance knows this so it means Keith has thought of it as well.

 _“Well, do you have a back-up if I live there?”_ Lance isn’t used to Keith sounding so curt with him, as if Keith can’t wait to end the call but it’s something Lances has to learn to get used to

“No…I’d have to look.”

Lance totally forgets that if Keith lives here then Lance has to move out but where to? Hunk is renting a room in a house with his classmates and he’s pretty sure him and Hunk living in the same room isn’t going to fit. He’s not supposed to come home for another month. He could always bother Shiro for a while but Shiro lives on campus so it’s just another dorm room. Allura lives with her uncle and while Lance is cool with Coran, he doesn’t think it’ll be convenient. And Pidge…Lance doesn’t know how he feels about that.

Truthfully, he feels like he can’t bother Pidge because she has most likely heard everything from Keith which means she knows about the good and the extremely ugly parts of their relationship. He’s ashamed of how he handled the situation so he doesn’t want to show his pathetic face to Pidge post break-up.

_“Then you stay there. I can stay at Mom’s.”_

“Doesn’t your Mom live far from school?” Lance questions, remembering that his Mom lives in those residential area where old people go after retirement. Sure, the facility has a lot of fancy things like tennis court, a swimming pool and a gym but it assumes that everyone has a car.

_“It’s fine. They have buses.”_

“That comes every half hour.”

_“It’s fine. Where are you going to go if I take the apartment?”_

“I’ll figure it so don’t—”

 _“How can I not worry, Lance.”_ Keith snaps. His voice is louder, more agitated and Lance inhales sharply to stop his own bark. He definitely has to get used to this blunt side of Keith.

_They are not going to fight._

_Their last conversation is not going to be a fight._

There’s more silence and Lance has to give in because Keith isn’t going to. “Fine, I’ll live here.”

_“Okay, I’ll come tomorrow to get my stuff.”_

Lance’s mind goes straight into manic mode because he’s not expecting to see him so soon so he does what he’s been doing for a while—he lies. “I might be out then but Hunk will let you in.”

Lance knows there’s so many things wrong with that statement because why is Hunk is over here when Lance isn’t home? What exactly is ‘might be out?’ but it’s the best he can come up with in a short amount of time.

_“Sounds good…I’ll text you before I come?”_

“Sure.”

_“Okay, thanks. Uhh…bye.”_

Lance smiles meekly hearing how awkward Keith _still_ is with phone conversations. “No need to thank me, I didn’t do anything. Bye.”

The line goes dead and Lance is still clutching the phone. It was his first conversation with Lance after the break-up. Two weeks of not hearing his voice. It took a while for Lance to come to terms with the break-up and his shortcomings and he thought he had come to terms with it but this phone conversation proves otherwise. Now Lance’s lost in thoughts of Keith like what he is doing during this time? Is he okay after the break-up? Is he eating properly because Keith’s notion of self-care is non-existence.

Hunk is giving him an inquisitive look before he asks, “So, how did it go?”

“Hunk, do you have a place to stay during the year?”

Hunk smirks, knowing where Lance is heading to. “I’ll live here starting next week. I wanted to find a place closer to work so I asked to stay for another month to find a new place but your place is close enough so I don’t need to do that anymore.”

“Thanks man.”

“It’s cool, I got you.”

“No…for everything. For babying me while I go through this.” Lance gives him a defeated smile. He doesn’t know what he’d be or do without Hunk here for him.

“I wasn’t babying you Lance,” Hunk corrects. “It’s a hard time for you so I understand.”

Hunk has flashbacks to a few nights ago when he found Lance hunched over the coffee table with a white mug of warm tea. The perspiration on the mug tells Hunk that Lance has been here for a while but he’s just staring at the coffee table, distracted and an unreadable expression on his face.

 

_Hunk sat beside Lance to get his attention. Lance looked up and grinned weakly._

_“What are you thinking of?” Hunk asked and Lance shrugged._

_“I’m…wondering where things went wrong,” Lance said, his eyes glistening now. “I tried so hard. I wanted us to work but…”_

_“Lance, stop. Stop blaming yourself. It’s neither of your fault. Things happen and sometimes it just doesn’t work out,” Hunk comforted. “So stop thinking that the relationship ending is your fault.”_

_Lance buried his face into his palms. A sign that he didn’t agree with Hunk but couldn’t argue it. If he didn’t say anything then Hunk couldn’t do more to help._

_“I keep fucking up, what’s wrong with me?” Lance whispered through his sobs.  Hunk gave Lance a tight hug, wanting this hug to be enough for Lance, to stop his tears and the mounting guilt but he knew it wasn’t enough. It’s never enough. Lance couldn’t hear Hunk’s words, not when he’s so stuck in his own world of warped remorse._

 

Hunk knows that Lance’s path is going to be long and hard. It’s going to take Lance a while to look at things with a new perspective but Hunk’s going to be there for him.

                                                   

***

 

 _“Are you sure you’re going to be okay?”_ Mom asks for the fourth time and Keith tries to not roll his eyes.

“Yes Mom, I’m going to be okay. I’ll survive a break-up,” Keith assures her in his sloppy Korean. He isn’t sure if he’s pronouncing the words correctly but she gets the message.

 _“Alright, alright. Call me bothersome but I have to ask,”_ Mom hesitates _. “You really don’t need me there?”_

“Mom, you’re making a big deal out of this.” Keith sighs then regrets sounding annoyed and bothered—he wasn’t, he’s just tired of people asking about his past relationship. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that.”

He expected to get a lengthy lecture from her but instead, he gets comfort which means she thinks something’s _still_ wrong _. “Keith, I know you really cared for Lance.”_

“I know but I’ll be fine. You don’t have to fly from Korea just to see if I’m tending to my broken heart.”

If Keith doesn’t assure her then he thinks Mom really would jump on a plane and go. As much as Korea is her home, she still worries for him about the littlest things and wouldn’t dillydally to come back to check up on him. Keith appreciates it but sometimes he has to be the more practical one of the two and deter her away from her impulsive decisions. Maybe impulse is something from his maternal side of the family as well.

They hang up on a good note with Mom reminding Keith to treat Pidge to a nice meal or two or three because he’s bothered her long enough. He agrees and goes back to the living room where Pidge is fiddling with her laptop.

“So how did the call go?”

“Do you have to ask?” Keith scorns.

“Your Mom’s like mine in the sense that they think they have to protect us from anything and everything,” Pidge remarks. Keith had been over to her house for dinner a few times in high school and it was hilarious watching Pidge squirm as her mom nitpicks at her.

_Katie, please don’t tell me you let your hair stay like that for the whole day._

_Oh my goodness Katie, what are you doing with the screwdriver?_

_Katie, let your brother see if he can fix your laptop before you break it any more than you already have._

In-between her rambles, Pidge would roll her eyes, causing more laughter from Keith and a secret pang of nostalgia for his mom. He doesn’t welcome his mom ranting about him but he wouldn’t mind it if he could see her more often.

“She asked if I’m okay from the break-up like five times,” Keith states with a shake of the head. Pidge gives him a pat on the shoulder.

“Condolences my friend.”

“Anyways, did you figure out how to build the desk?” Keith stares at the instruction manual and the wooden pieces in front of her. His guess is no.

“My hands are used to type, not hammer and screw stuff,” Pidge complains but shuts her laptop and reaches for the manual. “How about I read the manual and you do the building.”

Keith rolls his eyes but grabs the tool box, ready to become Keith the builder.

When Keith had told Mom that he’s moving into her apartment, she was worried about the commute to school. Keith reasoned that it’s less trouble than him looking for another apartment and new furniture since it’s going to be his last year in school. She agreed half-heartedly and he thought that was that. It wasn’t until she called him to meet her old friend who’s an auto realtor. It turns out she ended up getting him a second-hand car to drive to school and that’s why she was willing to agree to him.

It isn’t a part of Keith’s plan to get a car but he can’t say that he’s too surprised because it is Mom after all. Life wasn’t going according to his blueprint so far so Keith should be prepared for anything.

 

***

 

Keith finds it strange how he’s ringing the doorbell to a place he has the keys for. He can just walk in but it doesn’t feel right given the situation. It’s like he’s invading on Lance’s privacy.

The door opens and Hunk greets him with a “Hey.”

Keith is a bit disappointed to see Hunk even though Lance said he won’t be home. Yet he’s confused whether or not he actually wanted to see Lance. Of course, he misses him but he wouldn’t know what to say when he’s face-to-face with him. It would probably be really awkward and Keith wouldn’t like that but a part of him was hoping to see Lance. It didn’t feel right not seeing him for over two week when he used to come home to him every day.

“Hi,” Keith answers and walks in. Looking around at the apartment, things haven’t changed and Keith isn’t sure why he expected one in the first place. The furniture hasn’t moved and the curtains are still questionably shower-like and he takes small comfort in this.

“Your clothes are in the closet and we don’t know what to do with things like cups, utensils and plates since you two bought them together,” Hunk says, interrupting Keith’s thoughts.

Keith nods. “Got it. Lance can keep everything, I’m at my mom’s so she has those already,” he says while looking out the window. The view is one of the reasons why Keith initially chose the apartment. It was nothing short of spectacular and the neighbourhood seemed so alive. Too bad he couldn’t attest to the liveliness himself but it’s the sheer amount of people going about their busy lives that amused him.He feels he could sit in the balcony and stare outside all day.

Now that he was leaving, he didn’t have the opportunity anymore. Another pang of regret comes when he remembers that he promised Lance an exploration of the neighbourhood when they first moved in five months ago. Lance seemed so excited to hear it but with school and work, they could never find the time. And now they’ve lost the chance.  

“So how are you?” Hunk asks, watching Keith stare out the window. He seems deep in thought and from his experience with Lance, thinking isn’t a good thing.

Keith shrugs, giving a shitty response but he can’t seem to find the right words to express himself. “I can’t say I’m fine but…”

Hunk gives Keith a punch on the arm, his way of telling him to lighten up. Keith’s taking Hunk’s question too seriously and Hunk knows he breaks down when he’s struggling for words. “To be honest, I don’t expect you to be fine but I hope you’re managing and getting through this—somehow.” _And hopefully he’s doing it better than Lance._

“Yeah…”

Keith wants to ask about Lance and what he told Hunk about their break-up because Keith, himself, has so many questions and maybe Hunk has some answers but he decides against it. He can’t handle it if he hears for another time that Lance _can’t_ support his dream.

His eyes wander to the folded blankets and pillow on the couch. “Who’s sleeping on the couch?”

“Lance.”

“Oh.”

Lance always complained that his back hurts when he spends the night on the couch but now that he’s taking refugee there, Keith can see that Lance isn’t going through a good time either.

What Hunk doesn’t tell Keith is even though Lance hasn’t been sleeping in the bedroom, he hasn’t been sleeping, period. Lance doesn’t take off for the night like he usually would, instead he sits on the couch and contemplates and thinks and reconsiders too many things for one night. But Hunk doesn’t say this to Keith. He can’t say this to Keith.

Hunk doesn’t like that there are some things he can’t say now, that there are secrets between his friends and many more to come. He can see this affecting their whole friendship and he isn’t ready for that. If Hunk could, he would do anything to protect their happiness.

 

***

 

Pidge tagged along for the taxi ride to Keith’s apartment. She told him she wasn’t going to come up because she wanted to give him privacy to grab his stuff—it was half true and half a fib. Keith will be overcome with emotions when he retrieves his belongings and knowing him, he’d want a moment to himself.

The half fib is Pidge telling Keith that she’s going to walk around his nice neighbourhood. Truthfully, Pidge is actually going to see Lance. With Keith over, it’s not easy to talk because even though Keith looks occupied, he always has his ears out, listening. So she did text Lance asking how he was and he replied saying he was “fine” but she knew better than to believe him.

Seeing Lance sit across from her right now, stirring his cup of coffee, she knew she was right.

_He was not fine._

Lance’s used to the familiar sight of Pidge squinting at the computer screen, questioning her code because “Why didn’t it work?” “Wait, why did this work?” but he wasn’t used to her using that gaze on him.

“So Pidge, you going to keep staring or what?” Lance mocks and Pidge rolls her eyes—oh how he missed her.

“Lance, I’m just worried,” Pidge says softly, so softly that it surprises him. He’s usually joking with Pidge so if she’s being serious with him then things probably look bad on Keith’s end.

Needless to say, Lance’s worry is beginning to skyrocket again. He thought he had made it clear that their break-up was because of his own insecurities, his hesitation to move forward. It has nothing to do with Keith.

He knows Keith doesn’t think Lance’s reasons are good enough to warrant a break-up but to Lance, it means so much to Lance that he’s struggling through life whereas his friends are trekking down their own paved path with ease.

“It’s not _that_ bad, Pidge,” Lance lies. He already gets enough prep-talk from their other friends so he doesn’t need a dash of sarcasm to it. 

Pidge gives him the no-bullshit look and he knows she’s going to give him a hard time.

“We know each other better than that, Lance,” Pidge replies, sounding hurt. This surprises Lance even more because she’s not interrogating him but…she’s upset and it’s because of him. He feels some part of him crumble because it seems like all he’s been doing is troubling his friends and he doesn’t want that. He doesn’t want to be a burden they have to _deal_ with.

Other than regret, he’s feeling a range of emotions but he doesn’t know what they are. If he doesn’t know then how can he explain these complex feelings to his friends? How can he make them tread in unknown waters with him?

“I don’t know what to say or do, Pidge. So tell me what do you want from me?” Lance sounded more frustrated than he intended to and there’s more regret.

Pidge looks more pained but Lance doesn’t know how else to phrase it. What do they want from him? Do they want a lie or the bitter truth? Do they want him donning a polite smile and a hand to brush them off or him breaking down into a sobbing mess for them to comfort?

If anything, Lance wants nothing more than to be alone and just…figure stuff out on his own. He doesn’t want their pitied eyes to bear holes in him.

Pidge stays quiet and bites her lower lips as she stares at her strudel. Lance forgets that when Pidge isn’t being snarky and sarcastic, she’s actually really small. She gets hurt easily and Lance forgot this. He forgot.

“Sorry Pidge, I’m not angry. I’m just…” Lance wants to wave his hands in the air to show her the turmoil of emotions he feels but he closes his eyes to calm himself down.

“Even though Keith is staying over, you’re my close friend too. I’m concerned for you just as I am for him.” 

“I know.” Lance smiles knowingly. He knows this but it means a lot to him that Pidge says it. Sometimes it seems like Pidge and Keith are a pair of friends that’s loosely attached to their bigger group of friends.

“I know some things are harder to say to Keith because you were dating but those things, you know you can talk to me.”

“Pidge, I’m being really honest here.” Pidge nods. “But it’s not that I don’t trust you or the rest of our friends but I don’t know what to do…in my life like my career and that’s really pulling me back. I feel pathetic and feel myself shrinking when I see everyone’s big dreams—”

“Lance…”

“I know, I know. I shouldn’t feel like this and I don’t like that I do. I don’t want to stress about it because, well, that turned out well,” Lance deliberately pauses to take a sip of his coffee because he remembers how well he handled the stress with Keith. “I’m going home in a few weeks and I plan to just…relax and figure stuff out but this time, without the stress.”

Pidge nods some more. Even though it doesn’t sound very efficient but she knows how Lance gets when he’s antsy—he does incredibly stupid things and Pidge has unfortunately witnessed some of them firsthand at parties.

“Are you okay with how things are?”

This is the question she’s wanted to ask Lance for the longest time. With Keith, the answer is a straight-out “no” but a relationship involves two people so if Lance wants a break-up then that’s that. If there’s even a silver of doubt in Lance’s decision then she wants him to see that. It’s hard for Keith to bring it up so it might be easier for her to get the answer out of Lance.

Lance gives Pidge a pensive look, one that she’s unfamiliar with. “I don’t know.”

“Then—“

Lance interjects, “I’m feeling uncertain but…I feel better than I did a few weeks ago.”

“Oh.” Pidge’s stomach sinks. There wasn’t anything she could now.

“I know you want Keith and I to be happy together—”

“I want that but I want you two happy as individuals too”

Lance grins and Pidge feels triumphant because it’s another real smile. “Maybe it’s because I don’t have to worry about slowing Keith down or have this awful guilt plaguing me because I don’t like his career but it’s like…one burden is off my shoulder and I can walk without feeling ashamed.”

Pidge is conflicted because on one hand, she’s glad that Lance is taking it easy and going at his own pace but on the other hand, she’s upset because it means that Keith caused Lance stress. Lance is always worried about becoming a baggage to Keith but unknowingly, Keith became a baggage for Lance.

“But this means it’s really over, like Keith is grabbing his stuff and…”

“I know…” Lance grimaces.

_He knows there’s no going back now that Keith’s packing his things and leaving Lance’s life._

_He knows this too well and he doesn’t want it but what can he do?_

Lance wanted to be there for Keith, to support him as he fights for his dreams, to see him make them reality—even if it killed Lance on the inside but he couldn’t. Ultimately, Lance also wanted to come home to Keith, to see him glow with excitement, to laugh together. Lance wanted Keith to be beside him, to grow together.

But he couldn’t support Keith. Instead of growing together, he’s stumping Keith’s growth. Lance can’t allow him to do more damage so he insisted on a break up. It’s a hard choice but Lance feels that it’s the right choice, even if it pains him so.

“Are you okay with it though? You both seem so…unhappy,” Pidge utters.

Lance isn’t okay with it but he has to be stubborn so he doesn’t end up ruining it for Keith.

He pauses for too long and Pidge knows the answer. “Lance… Don’t create this barrier between you and everyone else, especially not when you’re going through a hard time. Let us help...”

“Don’t do this Pidge.” Lance’s voice cracks and he hates this moment of weakness, he hates it so much.

It was a tear escaping his eyes, quivering lips then his vision getting blurry that stops Lance from thinking. He shuts his eyes, not wanting to think of what Pidge’s reaction will be. He’s been trying so hard to keep it in, bottle up his feelings but now the bottle is cracked and everything’s leaking. Lance breaks down at the rush of emotions. He doesn’t want to bother his friends, he wants them to be always happy around him, to never stop smiling but he’s causing the opposite to happen and he feels like his hands are stained with blood.

Pidge walks over from her seat to awkwardly put her small arm around Lance and he automatically buries himself into her arms. Now Lance is the small one and Pidge wishes she knew what to do to stop him from aching.

The thing about Keith is that he has his eyes on big things, things beyond the horizons. While running towards those things, he can barely keep his feet on the ground. He forgets that some of the people around him can’t keep up because he doesn’t look behind. Lance feels abandoned but he doesn’t realize that Keith isn’t just leaving him but he’s leaving everyone behind to chase his dream. 

Despite thinking that, she can’t say it out loud because she’s worried of choking up, her voice getting muffled by the lump in her throat because of how broken Lance is. She wants to cry for him and she would if it would help him but it wouldn’t. It would be another push which sends Lance deeper into his misery.

Even though she isn’t going through the break-up herself, she hurts for them because they look so conflicted and upset. She isn’t good at comforting people, giving them gentle words to ease the sorrows of their hearts. Keith is easy to comfort because he just wants time alone to think and ponder so Pidge can do that, she can give Keith solitude.

But Pidge can’t do anything in this situation, especially since it was _their_ relationship. She wants both of them to be happy but if things have to end then she’s going to have to be supportive of that.

 

***

 

The taxi ride home from the apartment with Pidge is unpleasantly quiet. Keith is embarrassed because when the driver asked for his destination, Keith thought of home and said the address to his apartment with Lance, not the address to his Mom’s place.

So the driver gave him a weird look because this is where they’re supposed to be. Keith got red and apologized and gave him the correct address to home.

Pidge is still overwhelmed from comforting Lance, feeling the need for some peace and quiet herself. Keith doesn’t feel like talking so they both stare out their window.

When Keith drops her off at her place, she gives him a quick hug, something she rarely does but he doesn’t question it. Too many things are going on for him to spare time to think about Pidge and her uncalled-for hugs. 

“I owe you dinner,” Keith reminds her and she rolls her eyes because she had asserted that he owes her nothing for staying over. They’re both stubborn and can go on with reason and logic as to why they’re right but Pidge knows that if she doesn’t agree with him then he’s going to repay her in some crazier way—just like his Mom. It’s so like Keith to do that and she doesn’t have the patience to deal with that.

“Yeah, yeah, get home safe,” Pidge responds with an exaggerated roll of her eyes.

Keith doesn’t know what he’d do without her during the last few weeks but he’s not sure how to express this gratitude in any other way than materialistic means.

When he arrives at Mom’s apartment, he opens one of his suitcase to start sorting through his belongings. He needs more clothes because laundry is piling up but he stops when he sees the red mug amidst the balled up shirts.

It’s one of the many couple things that Lance got him when they first started going out. Prior to living with Lance, he lived alone while Lance frequently showed up at his place. Slowly, Lance started appearing so often that he would leave things behind like this couple mug, some movies and his snacks. _The nerve of him acting like he lives there_ , he remembers himself thinking and smiles at the fond memory.

His vision gets fuzzy and his heart aches all over again as tears fall on the mug.

_He doesn’t know how he’s going to carry on like this._

_He’s scared this aching feeling will follow him for a long, long time._

There are so many questions that Keith still has but he’s too afraid to ask. So many things he wants to get to the bottom of but is too hesitant to push forward for.

This isn’t like Keith at all, this tentative and doubtful Keith. But if this isn’t Keith then who is he right now? Is he wearing a mask or is he simply changing into someone else? Who is this Keith that he’s trying so hard to be then?

There are more tears and Keith hits his forehead lightly with his fist to stop these intricate thoughts.

To answer Hunk’s question, Keith is barely managing.

 

***

 

Lance comes back to the apartment and the minute he opens the cabinet, he sees the empty spot where Keith’s mug was. Now his blue one seems so lonely amongst the other white mugs. His lips tremble and he’s determined to not let himself break-down in front of Hunk so he has to get out.

_He needs to get out._

“I’m going to get take-out, do you want anything?” Lance yells and sees Hunk come out from the room.

“Actually, I’ll go,” Hunk suggests. He knows things have gotten tougher now that Keith’s stuff is gone, signifying that the relationship is truly over. Even though they’ve already broken-up, acceptance takes a lot of time. During this time, Lance is on edge and anything can tip him off. Lance has to accept it eventually but Hunk doesn’t want him to take shortcuts. So Hunk would rather Lance stay here and cry than for him to avoid coming home and doing who knows what at night.

“You sure?” Lance questions, wanting Hunk to reconsider.

“Positive.”

Hunk’s already out the door before Lance can convince him otherwise. He looks around the kitchen and sees that Keith’s apron is gone. Keith barely took anything but it feels like he took everything from the half-empty closet to the missing shampoo bottle. He sits on the couch and sees the two hugging red and blue shakers, remembering that these were the items they bought together to commemorate them living together. Remember their dumb arguments, the house rules they laid out makes Lance cry with his face in his hands.

He hates this, he hates it so much from his empty apartment, his failed relationship and the memories that are still here.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a bunch of italics usage (usually, i would use a diff font to denote another language being spoken, flashbacks when i was on LJ - yes, i am the same age as the great mighty dinosaurs) but ao3 doesn't do that. so again, a reminder that all of the conversations with keith and his Mom are in korean (keith's broken korean) unless stated otherwise. hunk's italicized moment with lance is something that happens in the past. 
> 
> i do switch from keith and lance's perspective when they're in the same scene so it can get confusing - let me know if it gets excessively hard to follow. 
> 
> im pulling the school card but i'm looking at my syllabus and see all the readings i have to do (100+ pages) and it's going to take a lot of time but im not working this semester so albeit it's a tight schedule, ill try to write whenever i can! 
> 
> kiss kiss. stay safe and look forward to many great things (like voltron s2).


	5. Little Wild

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> admittedly i got side-tracked voltron s2 (i wish i could say school HAHAHA) + sick so this chapter got delayed. this chapter is very keith-centric (like season 2) but this was planned prior to s2 so it didn't influence my writing in any way. the purpose is to show what life is like for both of them post break-up. having said that, it makes sense that the next chapter is going to be lance-centric (and longer because of lance's big family). 
> 
> a bit of a spoiler so skip to the next paragraph if you haven't already watched s2. i know there's a scene with pidge that heavily implies her being non-binary (the washroom scene). i don't want to assume that she's non-binary because nothing's been confirmed by the creators or pidge despite the suggestive scene so i'm going to keep with my narrative that she's a female and will continue using female pronouns. i ask that you respect this decision. in the event that it's tremendously offensive to you then feel free to drop my story. 
> 
> to keep it spoiler-free or tldr: im going to continue using female pronouns for pidge. this is going to disappoint some people and i don't mean to offend anyone. i'm not here to engage in fanwars and theories. i only want to write my fic about klance. if it upsets you then you don't have to read it. thanks for the people who still continue to support me despite my stance.

 

 _“Just as you have loved before, you will love again,”_ Mom tells Keith on the phone. She’s calling more frequently, acting as if a break-up was going to be his biggest dismay yet. If Keith wants to have a downfall then he wants it to be because of something more dignified, not over some pitiful break-up. He won’t let a break-up get to him so he’s going to pull through. It helps that the chances of running into Lance are close to none so he’s healing just fine.

After putting so much time into brooding over this relationship—what went wrong, what could he have done better, why did this happen—he realizes he’s not going to get an answer no matter how much he ponders. He’s not going to see Lance for a while so nothing can answer them. If he’s not going to get a closure then he has to bury these questions deep within himself so they can never resurface and see the light. He reasons that this is how he’s going to get over the break-up and move on with his life. He has to multitask and juggle everything else so there’s no room for moping. There’s more to life than just love and Keith has to remember this.

“Where did you get that quote from?” Keith asks, looking around her absurdly monotonous apartment. Her apartment, just like her personality, is very pristine and precise. The walls are stark white and everything has a matching set from the sofa matching the tv stand, the utensils complementing the table mat. It’s bizarrely well-planned out and Keith is ruining that thorough planning by bringing his own items. Though he has to add a splash of color to the walls so he hangs some landscape photos of flowers, fields and forests.

The good thing about a new home is the time needed to familiarize himself to everything: the neighbours, the scenery, the transportation. So he doesn’t have enough the time to be depressed.

The complex is nice, really nice with the fancy facilities like the pool, tennis court and a nice garden centre but he feels out of place. Everyone’s at least twenty years older than him, the majority being people who’s basking in the glory of retirement life then the minority being people who don’t stay in their homes long enough because of work.

So during the day, it’s just him. So he takes the time to explore the neighbourhood. Mom’s apartment is by the lake so the air is more crisp and fresh with the hanging smell of salt in the air. There’s also a bed of flowers near the lake and Keith loves it but he can only sit at the lake and ogle at it for so long.

 _“I wish I could say I wrote it.”_ Mom chuckles. _“But I’ve been reading poetry from Warsan Shire** and that quote reminded me of you. Love isn’t a one time deal so you’ll love again and again.”_

He groans audibly and she laughs. “Mom, it’s not like that.” Keith doesn’t want to entertain the idea of going through love again. He doesn’t like what love does to him so if he can, he would like to avoid it.

 _“Or how about you take a break? A change of scenery?” _ Mom keeps throwing suggestions at him and some of them, he can consider like going on hikes, taking up more classes like calligraphy but some options like traveling, and dancing is out of his league. He usually lets her ramble but Keith is on his toes this time because she wants to travel. If he slips up and provides an opening then Mom would take advantage and ship him off to a foreign land.

“Mom, I’m fine.” Keith emphasizes. “And I just moved into your apartment so this is enough for a change of scenery.”

 _“Keith.”_ He can tell Mom’s rolling her eyes based on how exasperated she sounds while saying his name.

“Mom, I really am fine.”

_“How about visiting me in Korea?”_ Mom continues, already lost in her own little world of where Keith could possibly go. This catches his attention because she’s always the one visiting him, not the other way around. Going to Korea has many implications and Keith doesn’t want to even think of them.

“I don’t think I’m ready for that turmoil yet…” He mumbles.

_ “Alright, Love. Uncle has time off from work so I thought we can go somewhere together.” _

Uncle probably spends a quarter of his time traveling because of his job at a transportation company so it’s rare for him to have time off. He usually gets a few days off but never enough for Keith warm up to him when he married Mom years ago. To Keith, he’s like the phantom of the family.

“You guys can go on dates and stuff,” Keith suggests, not liking the tone in her voice. When she does something, she does it with a boom and bang where she’s smack in the centre of attention. Keith doesn’t like being in the spotlight but it’s his Mom so he can’t do anything about it.  

_ “Keith, I mean family time. I see your Uncle enough. So how about we go on a trip then?”  _

“Mom, Uncle will cry if he hears this.” Keith laughs. Years of marriage hasn’t done anything to soften her rough edges. _“And I don’t know about a trip…I still have work.”_

 _“Keith…can you try to make time? I don’t want you to spend your whole summer cooped up at school,”_ Mom urges, taking a more gentle approach. She’s skilled in talking to him and breaking down his stubbornness. As usual, Keith relents because she is right. She knows him best. He doesn’t want to spend the rest of his summer at school because of the long, dreadful commute.

Keith is wary of travelling because it means change and adapting but it’s not like he wants to be here either so he agrees. Though he has to feign reluctance because he can’t let Mom her ways too much.

“I can try to get off work in two weeks.”

He also has to postpone volunteering at the hospital but that’s hardly an issue.

_“Do you have anywhere you want to visit?”_ Mom asks.

Keith’s only ever traveled within the country, not across the ocean so there’s a large expanse of land that he’s never set foot on and yet…if he has a choice, he wants to stay where he is now, in this place that he grew up in. It’s the only place he knows so it’s his world.

For Mom though, he’s willing to go out and see the universe outside of his world but he knows deep down that he’ll end coming back here, again and again.

“No, I’ll go where you go.”

_ “Alright, I’ll call you once I’ve finalized the travel plan.” _

 

***

 

Mom has a knack for pushing him out of his comfort zone and this is exactly what she does. Keith is not only traveling across the Pacific Ocean but he’s going for two months. Since Keith has two months left of summer, why not spend it in Europe for the entirety of it?

“Mom, you’re crazy,” Keith mutters under his breath.

_“You’re my son so you must have some crazy in you as well,”_ Mom teases and starts raving about their trip. They’re going to start in Italy and end in Belgium because of their flower shows—she adores the Belgium flower show and though Keith can’t appreciate the wildlife, he can appreciate crafty flower coordination. She emphasizes how much he’ll love Italy because of its rich history and artifacts. Keith is really excited to spend time with Mom and Uncle but he has to act like he’s being thrown into it against his will because he can’t give her crazy ideas any more momentum or he’s never coming back home.

 

***

 

Keith eats his own words because Italy is amazing and he thinks even the word ‘amazing’ can’t contain the wonders that makes up Italy. He ignores the knowing grin plastered on Mom’s smug face because it screams _“told you so”_ and he doesn’t like it when she’s right.

Excitement courses through him when he sees the coliseum and Mom and Uncle become blurry specks in the background. The first wave of disappoint hits when he finds out that they can’t walk inside because it’s falling apart. It’s for safety reasons but it’s such a shame and this shows on Keith’s face when he’s looking at it from the bottom. Though it’s still enough for him to stare at it in awe for hours.

Keith’s world is small, so to him Italy is another world of its own with how different it is from the architecture, customs and culture.  Everywhere he looks, he sees something new and it latches onto his curiosity. The city has its own secrets at night that Keith wants to explore. He can’t wrap his head around the idea that it’s the exact same city that offers another kind of beauty in the morning. He realizes how big the world is and how small he is but he smiles because his world is only going to get bigger.

 

***

 

Keith gets off the bus stop and heads back to his hotel after a short sightseeing trip around the city. This trip would be faster if he isn’t fascinated by the littlest things, prompting him to get off the bus to savor his curiosity. So his trip extends until the early evenings. The trip’s cut short because Mom called him back for dinner. If not for her then he would have stayed out until night falls.

His grin falls short because now, Keith understands the vivid sensations of the night—something he struggled with back then. He foolishly thought that if he could love the nighttime sceneries like Lance did then he could save their relationship. Ironically now that they’re over, Keith appreciates the beautiful night like Lance does. It’s just wrong timing on their part, Keith muses, wrong timing.

He sees Mom sitting in the lobby of the hotel, flipping through the magazine.

“Hey Mom,” he greets, picking up the newspaper.

“Thank goodness you’re back. I was worried you’ll be out all night if I didn’t call you.”

“It’s so nice out though, you should explore the city as well,” Keith speaks with excitement while recalling his short trip. The small, cozy cafe in the corner of the street that sells wonderful banana cakes—or the nice, calming walks along the river trail. The photos he takes are ample proof of these beauties but his phone really doesn’t do them justice. He needs to ask for Mom’s DSLR and how to use it so he can better capture the magnificence of the city. It’s simple things like this that needs to be appreciated but Keith usually overlooks them because he’s always looking ahead, charging forward that he forgets to slow down to catch his breath and admire the scenery.  

He looks at Mom who’s smiling tenderly at him and he feels like a child again.

“You can show me around tomorrow then,” Mom suggests and Keith beams. “Uncle has to send a quick email and he’ll be down soon then we’ll head to dinner.”

Technically Uncle is on vacation but he can’t completely cut off the ties with work. Keith doesn’t blame Uncle for always being busy. Thanks to it, he can see how Lance would feel about Keith’s dream since he’s going to be far busier but there are people who are okay with this life, like Mom.

Uncle arrives and Keith greets him with a warmer smile. Keith decides that he’s going to focus on himself, forget about the things back home and enjoy the present. And right now, his present includes Mom and Uncle.

 

***

 

Keith’s busy unpacking and worries his check-in and carry-on luggage aren’t big enough to hold the souvenirs from Italy. He’s going to visit many more cities so he either needs a new suitcase or to stop buying things. The choice is obvious but Keith dreads the idea of spending more money on a suitcase. His phone rings, interrupting him and he rolls over on his bed to fetch it.

He grins, looking at the caller. “Hey Shiro.”

“How’s Italy?” Shiro asks and Keith knows his smile stretches from ear to ear.

“I’m in Switzerland,” Keith corrects, sounding a bit too excited.

“How’s Switzerland then?”

“I just arrived but from what I can see, the mountain and waterfall looks gorgeous. I want to go out and explore.” Keith wonders if he should buy a new memory card for the DSLR. Uncle taught him the basics of the camera so Keith has a better grasp of it and becomes the trip photographer during the latter half of their two and a half week trip to Italy. His love for photography is awaken and the camera is his third arm.

Shiro’s chuckling and Keith stops marveling to question, “Why are you laughing?”

“When you said you were leaving, you sounded like you were getting dragged against your will but look at you now,” Shiro comments, “Your Mom updates her facebook often and I see you enjoying every bit of it.”

Keith knowingly smiles, acknowledging his initial reluctance. Now he’s taking cringe-worthy tourist photos with Mom and Uncle and allowing her to put it up on Facebook. “I know. I guess I’ve changed but who wouldn’t after seeing the museums, night market and nature here.”

“Remember to come home though,” Shiro teases cheerily.

_Home._

Where is home to Keith? Keith thought home is where his apartment is, where he returns to after school and work but he feels at home in Italy because Mom and Uncle are with him. He never felt a sense of homesickness while away, just amazement at Italy’s wide expanses.

Maybe Keith doesn’t have a physical home. Home is the body he lives in, the sight he sees with his own two eyes, the things he can touch with his fingertips. Home is himself and he’s home wherever and whenever he’s happy.

“I didn’t think I’ll leave for so long either,” Keith admits, “Though, I hope you don’t think I left because of the break-up.”

There’s silence and Keith’s groaning because another misunderstanding is happening _again._

“Hey, I don’t think that but Pidge does.”

“Oh c’mon,” Keith whines, scowling. He would not leave the continent because of a break-up. He’s impulsive but not dumb or dramatic and Pidge should know this.

“I’m kidding, Keith. I know you won’t blow this much time and money because of a break-up. So tell me more about your trip,” Shiro asks, changing the topic.

Keith is unaware of Shiro’s intention and falls into it by gloating about the glossy view of Venice from the vaporetto, the rich colors of the Florence fields against the rising sun and the timeless walk down Pompeii. 

“You really love this,” Shiro points out and Keith’s still high off the memories of Italy to notice the amusement in Shiro’s voice.

“I do, I really do.”

And Keith has never been more sure about his career. He will work hard in order to become an international aid worker and hopefully, he can do what Lucas does and make a difference in the places he has the honor of working at.

 

***

 

Zurich has so many things to see, so many things to do and Keith wonders how four days is enough but Switzerland has more than just Zurich and three days to see the rest of it is stretching things a bit too thin. While Mom is focused on feeding the swans, Keith is trying to take pictures of her. Uncle comes to sit beside him on the bench and Keith scoots over.

“How are you enjoying Zurich?” He asks and Keith puts down his camera to talk. They’ve talked but never enough for Keith to feel comfortable around him as an intimate family member. He wants to but time and geography never permits their relationship to grow any further.

“It’s gorgeous.” Keith pauses then frowns. “I need to grow my vocabulary because I’m overusing gorgeous and amazing to describe these places.” He looks at the Swiss Alps in the far distance, excited for the trip tomorrow.

“I’m glad to see you so excited,” he remarks, “Truthfully, Selena wanted me to talk to you.”

Mom’s name is Selena. Keith isn’t too surprised that she sent Uncle here to talk to him. She thinks there are some things she can’t understand because he’s a male so only another male can follow his thoughts.

“I’m fine, I don’t need a man-to-man talk.”

“I know but I won’t give up the chance to talk to you,” Uncle says, catching Keith off guard with his honesty. When Uncle’s job requires him to travel so much, he spends what little time he has to express himself genuinely which is what Mom loves about him.

Keith tries to take a stab at this honesty thing too.

“It means a lot to me,” Keith says, fiddling with the shutter speed of the camera. This whole trip means a lot because it’s a family trip, a trip for Keith to see the world beyond the computer screen, a trip for him to let loose and forget about his blueprint of life. He’s thankful to be dragged into this trip because the experience is irreplaceable.

Uncle smiles and Keith knows he’s doing the right thing. Being honest isn’t a mistake, at least not this time. The air is suddenly poignant and Keith doesn’t know what to do next.

“We don’t talk a lot but I do think of you as a son.”

“It can’t be helped because of your job but I know you try to be there. If something were to happen to me then I know you’ll be worried.” Keith knows this much. “I know Mom cares about me too and I can never be mad but if you can help ease her worries just a bit then…”

“I think she’ll settle down when you’re happily married.”

“Or maybe I can get a little sibling and then she can worry about them,” Keith suggests with a smirk and Uncle’s shaking his head with a smile on his lips.

“You and Selena easily talk over people in a conversation, sometimes it’s like you don’t listen,” he says with blithe laughter.

“Sorry,” Keith mumbles with a light blush of embarrassment. He complains that Mom does this all the time—getting lost in her own world that she can’t hear what he’s saying but he didn’t know that he does this either.

“I didn’t think much about my adoption back then,” Keith comments. He was only five when this happened so of course, he doesn’t remember nor did he understand the heaviness of her decision. Going from an aunt to a caregiver, a guardian, a mom is a big transition but she was willing to take on the responsibility. “But I’m really glad Mom adopted me, giving me a family, a Mom and you who cares for me. I can go on family trips and experience so many things, make memories because of it.”

“As a family, all we want is for you to live with your head held high. You don’t have to be successful or make a lot of money. As long as you’re happy with the way things are then it’s enough for us,” Uncle says while wrapping a loose arm around him. Keith nods, feeling choked up from the emotions.

_What does it mean to live with his head held high?_

Keith doesn’t want to disappoint or trouble them so he’s harder on himself, demands more but he never stops to think what values he holds dear to him? Values that he wants to protect so he can go on living with dignity. Keith’s so focus on reaching his goal that he forgot why he embarked on it in the first place. He can’t live because he doesn’t want to bother Mom and Uncle. He has to live for him, for his dreams and aspirations.

“Also Keith, looking after you is more than enough. Our hands are too full with work to raise another child.” Uncle chuckles and Keith smiles but it falters when the latter part of his sentence sinks in.

_Mom busy with work can only mean one thing._

“Is Mom coming out with a new book?”

Whenever she has a new project, she’ll tell him the prospects immediately to ask for his own opinion. She did this a lot more often when he was little because what better way to get feedback on a children’s book than by a child? It was simple questions like “Keith, do you understand what’s happening?” “What did you learn from this story?”

Uncle scratches his head awkwardly and mutters, “Don’t tell her I told you that. She wanted it to be a surprise.”

“A surprise?”

“Don’t tell her I told you that either.”

Keith eyes him suspiciously. Mom likes giving surprises, especially big ones that exceed expectations and knock people off their feet. Keith should be used to it after all the years of surprises but he isn’t. Instead, he trains himself to read through the lines and mentally prep himself for them. He wasn’t prepared for the trip but at least this time, he has a hint for the next surprise.

Keith steals a glance at Uncle, contemplating if he should start thinking of Uncle as a father figure. This moment does feel very personal but Keith isn’t sure what it means to be a Dad and how it’s different from their relationship right now. He’s still on the fence about this idea but he knows, for certain, that if he can see him as a Dad then Mom and him will be so happy and that is what he wants most.

 

***

 

Munich has Keith drooling because of all the museums and churches. Now he doesn’t know what Italy and Switzerland means to him because he’s blinded by Germany’s brilliance. There’s so much history here that Keith would willingly camp outside the museum just so he can make it in when the doors first open. Mom ended up revising her plan to include more historical stops for Keith while she and Uncle wander around the markets and public parks.

He’s too busy fawning over his photos on his laptop to notice Mom coming back from breakfast—which he sleeps through. It isn’t until he feels his bed sink that he looks up from his laptop.

“Hey,” Keith greets while scattering to push the DSLR, laptop and cords to a nice tidy corner to avoid another lecture about tardiness. He’s already pushing his luck by skipping breakfast.

“Excitement is good but you still have to live like a decent human,” Mom reminds him and Keith tucks his feet under him and fixes his hair. He’s been trying to keep a consistent shower schedule and comb his hair every morning but it’s harder than it sounds. Maybe Pidge was right, he has a talent for being insufficient at self-care.

“I swear, I’ll go shower after this,” Keith says with a laugh. Mom watches him with an inquisitive look and he frowns. “Is my hair that messy?”

She nods and reaches out to smooth his hair. “It’s messy but that’s not it. I’m just thinking…you really are Kyra’s child.”

Kyra’s his biological Mom and while Keith isn’t fond of calling her ‘Kyra,’ Keith does it because calling her his “biological” mom is even more unsettling. It’s a way for him to distinguish between Kyra and Selena, the Mom in front of him right now. This Mom feels more like a mom than Kyra did but it’s only because she passed away early. If Kyra had the chance then Keith is positive that she would have done a superb job at raising him.

Despite not remembering her—something he regrets—he hears stories about her all the time. Kyra is his mom, a photographer, a bookworm and a traveler. Although, he knows all of this but he can’t see how they’re alike aside from being a bookworm. “How are we similar?”

“You know that she was a landscape photographer. Wherever there was a mountain or lake, she’d have her camera out and ready. Seeing you so attached to the camera these past couple of days really reminds me of when she started learning how to use the camera. She was so attached to it,” Mom recalls dotingly and reaches for his hand. He gives her hand a squeeze and smiles. Both Moms shared a really close bond and Keith can see that love every time Mom brings Kyra up.

“Kyra initially started out as a writer and was encouraged by her editor to do photography and since then, she was hooked. She started traveling and every time she came back, she’d have all these crazy stories and a new certificate. Eventually she was certified to be lead snow-shoeing and hiking tours. And all of that came from her love for photography. She was called ‘Little Wild’ growing up because of how rowdy she was but she really lived up to that name.” Mom chuckles, her voice starting to shake.

_Little Wild._

Keith smiles at the endearing nickname.

Hearing stories about Kyra always makes Keith conjure all these imaginations about her. Someone who can’t sit still, is free-spirited and fervent. Nothing can stop her from climbing the highest mountain and exclaiming for joy when she reaches the summit. Nothing can stop her from hopping on a plane and going far, far away for the sake of nice photographs. Her passion radiates and warms the hearts of the people she meets, like the sun. A bright and charming person that attracts people to her.

“Little Wild,” Keith whispers with affection. He wishes he could remember her more clearly because Mom loves her so much. He wants to experience a bit of that love but all he has are stories and photographs.

“Yes, Little Wild,” Mom repeats. “Liam was a pilot so he’s always flying about and away from home—”she frowns—“I honestly wondered how they would work out because not only were they often away for work but their personalities were on the opposite end of the spectrum.”

Liam was his Dad and from what Keith knows, he listened more than he talked, a starking contrast from the outspoken and chatty Kyra. Though this doesn’t mean that he didn’t have an opinion, he would speak when needed so Keith think of him as someone who’s more cool, calm and collected—traits that he skipped over.

“But when Liam did talk,” Mom laughs, recalling the memories. “You expect him to say words of wisdom but sometimes it’s the most ridiculous jokes. It’s really the quiet ones you have to watch out for. Perhaps it’s a good thing he didn’t talk often, to keep up his image.”

Keith laughs, not expecting that remark. Dad grew up detached from his family so Kyra’s the only family he had. The stories Keith hears are from Mom so they’re scarce, making it hard for him to piece together the image of who his father was but it doesn’t stop him. For some reason, Keith believes that if he knows more about his parents then he’ll get a better grasp on who he is. If Keith can understand his past, his genetic make-up then he’ll feel more confident when making choices about his future, about who he’s meant to be. He’ll be less confused and more…Keith.   

“Though, I have to admit that Liam was super romantic. Sometimes he’d fly Kyra across the border for a weekend trip because it’s cheaper to rent a plane than spend money on plane tickets and a hotel.” Mom shakes her head at the absurdity of this. “Liam really outdid himself.”

Keith gapes in amazement, his jaws hanging. Maybe his impulsiveness comes from his Dad’s side rather than his Mom’s. Even if it were the case, Keith would never do something so outrageous but he wouldn’t put it behind him to be on the same level of folly when it comes to other things. However, he’s not his father in the flowery language department and he knows Kyra was a very silver-tongued person so maybe Keith’s clumsiness with words is a trait that’s distinctly his, it’s distinctly Keith.

“Hearing that you want to be an international aid worker, improve the healthcare system in developing countries by building hospitals, it reminds me of them. You three have a thirst to see the world, this desperate urgency to expand your skylines.” Mom smiles widely. “Even though they’ve passed away, I see Kyra and Liam living in you.”

She caresses his cheek and her eyes are glassy with tears. Keith leans in until their foreheads are touching and closes his eyes as she strokes his head lovingly. This is a precious moment for them as more complex emotions swirl about within him. In the mixture, there’s delight because he resembles his parents. This makes him so happy, so touched that tears are welling up.

“Your parents always talked about big, worldly things with mountains casted along the river and sunrises above the clouds. Now you’re walking in their footsteps, on the road to see the greatness of the world. Soon, you’ll come back and bring a bit of the world with you,” Mom utters and holds him close. “You’ll have your own stories to tell like how the landscape stretches into infinity, how the tallest mountain reaches into the sky.”

For some reason, she makes it sounds like Keith’s leaving and he’s not, at least not yet.

“Is that why you planned this trip? To give me a chance to travel?” Keith asks. Now it was making sense. A family trip doesn’t have to be this extravagant. It could be them visiting Keith to spend time with him in their apartment. It could be a trip to one or two cities. Mom passed this trip off as something in the spur of the moment but it wasn’t, it’s clearly well-planned out. This is her biggest surprise yet and Keith is, indeed, very surprised that she managed to pull it off.

“Yes, I’ve been preparing it for a while actually.” She chuckles. “Keith, you’re named after Kyra and I know that any child of hers would like this. I was right and I’m so glad that I am. “

“I can’t believe you did this,” Keith whispers, covering his face with his hands. He’s choking up, drowning in his emotions. Mom’s efforts are breaking down the wall he put up to protect himself from being so weak, so vulnerable. There’s so many tears and he can’t stop them from falling. He’s loved, so loved and he doesn’t know where to channel this rush of emotions. So he lets her pull him into her arms and sob like a child.

“You deserve it, Keith. You deserve every bit of my love for you.”

Keith grumbles, “Stop or I’m going to keep crying.”

Talking about Kyra and Liam opens up another world to Keith, one that he didn’t have the fortune of living in. He allows himself to envision the life he could have had, with his loving Mom being his loving Aunt instead. He’s certain he would be bathed in their endless love but it’s sad because living in his thoughts and imaginations are the closest he can ever be with them.

“I wish they were here,” Keith whispers. It’s one of the many things he buried deep within his heart, behind the sturdy wall he built. It’s a selfish thought because it makes things harder for Mom yet there’s a part of him that always thinks about them. Who would he be if he grew up with their love?

“I know, it’s hard Keith. I want her to be here too because I know she’d be so proud of you and overjoyed to hear you talk about your dream. She’d support you whole-heartedly. Of course, I do too even though I don’t want you to go. No mother would want their child to leave,” Mom says, “But I’m glad because as a writer, I can follow you anywhere.”

“I’m not going anywhere though,” Keith whines stubbornly but goes to rest his head in the curve of her neck so she can spoil him more which she does with more pats to his head.

“Alright, alright, you’re not leaving, just traveling,” Mom remarks in that motherly voice. “Though Keith, I know you’re tough. I never have to worry about you but sometimes, I’m worried that strength comes with loneliness…”

Keith closes his eyes, knowing where she’s headed. She’s nervous about the difficulty of his dream, how it might pull him further and further from the people he loves, leaving Keith to fight on his own. It’s a lonely path but Keith doesn’t see it that way. It’s the ambitious path to his dream.

It’s his dream so it’s worth fighting for. Keith doesn’t associate solitude and isolation with it but only sees joy and great grandeur.  

“I’ve never felt lonely because of it but,” Keith hesitates, biting his lips to stop his voice from cracking. “I didn’t think my choices would make Lance lonely.”

_How lonely was Lance while Keith was head over heels infatuated with his dream?_

Maybe it’s the tears and his unstable state of mind but thoughts of Lance and how abandoned he must have felt when he learned about Keith’s dream comes back. Why didn’t Keith think of Lance alone in their future home? Him waiting and longing for Keith while he’s abroad? It must have been so unbearable for Lance that it led to their break-up.

Keith remembers the times he would put his phone on silent or shut it off completely to hone his concentration to study. He would study without a care for the world, without a care for Lance. He took Lance and his friends for granted, thinking they’ll be waiting behind him when he’s busy focusing on himself. He thought they would support him quietly and be there for him when he’s ready to come back to them.

_He was wrong._

_And selfish, incredibly selfish._

Keith considers himself lucky to have Lance’s patience yet he ungratefully stretched that patience thin, so thin that it ended up hurting Lance. Lance is kind so he didn’t say anything but Keith isn’t that kind and can’t stop blaming himself.

_He hurt Lance and he can’t forgive himself for it._

_He can’t._

“A lot of change happens when you’re in your 20s,” Mom comments, speaking in a clear voice. “You lose some valuable things but you also gain new things.”

Keith scowls at the word _change_. It’s a double-edged sword that Keith doesn’t want to hold but he’s wielding it ineptly and wounding people in the process.

He doesn’t like the consequences of change but he can’t stop the tides from coming.

“I handled the situation so poorly. I was too selfish—”

Mom interrupts, “You’re not selfish, Keith. You have to live for yourself first before you live for anyone else. It’s unfortunate that you and Lance couldn’t work out but things happen, things change—so don’t worry about a break-up. Explore this vast world and find yourself.”

                                       

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really enjoyed writing this chapter because i get to explore my own characterization of keith and make up his history. his mom's name, Kyra, follows the Greek pronouncation so it's kee-ruh and not kie-rah. hence the first syallbus is the same as keith's name (kee-th). this chapter overall is a very emotional journey for keith in finding himself in this big, big world and what home and family means to him. a home and family are things that, seemingly, everyone knows and understands but when your family isn't the typical nuclear family then it becomes a foreign concept. this is something keith is too embarrassed to question out loud because it seems like something people _just know._ :'( 
> 
> **please read warshan shire's poetry!! they're so pretty and reflective and makes you want to stop, marvel at the clouds while feeling good on a fine, sunny day. 
> 
> also when keith talks to mom + uncle, they talk in korean! just entertaining my korean keith hc
> 
> anyways, i hope you enjoyed this chapter!!


	6. Home, Sweet Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so sorry about the lack of update ;__; I've been MIA since January. I got the flu in late January that lasted 2.5 weeks until February so that was not fun. Then I got sidetracked writing YOI fics for valentine and white day events in Feb and March. Then I got sick again (I'm still not fully recovered orz) in April so...yeah, lots of tests and visits to the doctors e__e To top it off, I started working full time in May and I swear, time just flies out the window LOL. Admittedly I had this written in May but it took mt forever to edit so lots of apologies. 
> 
> This is admittedly one of the hardest chapters to write because Lance shows his deepest emotions here and I want to portray it to the best of my abilities. Also he has _a lot_ of siblings, thanks to my beta because she likes the number six so there are six kids in the McClain family. There might be some disagreement about what Lance's last name should be and please respect that this is my fanfic and I grew attached to the surname after looking more into Voltron. I'm always up to discuss other possibilities but I won't be changing it in my fic. 
> 
> I did finish writing the next chapter but it'll be at least another week to upload because I'm super slow at editing because of work. I hope all of you are still well and surviving the heat of summer.

 

Mira Ester McClain, Lance’s second eldest sister, is an hour late so Lance is stuck sitting on his suitcase, staring at the sun setting against the ugly bus terminal backdrop. He looks around aimlessly and smiles nostalgically. His town really doesn’t have much to offer but it’s where Lance grew up so there’s history here that Lance can’t forget. It’s not small for a town but compared to the city, it’s an ant. Lance always wanted to get out, to see what lies beyond these grassy plains and he did—he studied his butt off and got into a good university in the city.

He’s glad he got out of town because there’s a lot to see in the world outside. His bartending job helps him travel overseas through the words of his customers. It’s been an eventful experience—studying and working and Lance is frazzled to think of it coming to an end. It’s his last year of university so he has to start thinking further, of things even further than the city; he has to think of his future. This causes him to stare off in confusion, his mind running in endless circles because how far off is this ‘future?’

A loud honk interrupts his thoughts, nearly knocking him off his suitcase. A white Altima rolls into the parking lot and Lance frowns. Mira rolls down the window with an apologetic grin.

“Mir, this is unbelievable,” Lance pouts, standing up with his arms crossed. She glowers because she hates being called Mir but quickly reverts back to the apologetic smile because she is an hour late. She steps out of the car to give him a tight hug and he returns the hearty hug because he can never be anything but merry in the presence of his family.

“I was going to pick you up on time but Mimi insisted on giving you something he made because he’s not home for dinner tonight but Mom was already using the oven by then,” Mira explains as she grabs Lance’s baggage while he throws his suitcase in the trunk.

“He’s working today?” Lance asks, dejected, and Mira nods. “I swear, it’s against labor laws for a high schooler to work that much.”

“He likes it though.” Mira shakes her head and they both laugh at Damian, their workaholic youngest brother.

“Can I drive?” Lance asks, taking a good look at her new Altima for the first time. The car is a crisp, clean white, giving it an air of elegance that Mira doesn’t care for. He touches the hood and feels the glossy veneer that new cars have. He can’t wait to drive through town with the moonroof on this baby.

She tosses him the keys without another thought. “Yeah, be careful though.”

“What happened to the old car?” Lance questions as he adjusts the seats and mirrors. He remembers her cute silver hatchback but then remembers her driving and things add up. “Did you destroy it?”

“What? No!” Mira exclaims then states, “It was time for it to go.”

“Did you get this vehicle because it’s higher so you can dodge the curb?” Lance teases, remembering the horrible conditions of her tire. He wanted to shriek every time she turned a curb because if it’s the first time on the street then there’s a high chance that she’d hit it. She really needs to go back to driving lessons.

“Lance, you’re close to getting booted out from being the driver,” Mira warns and Lance makes a motion of zipping his lips.

“So tell me, what’s happening in the house?” Lance changes the topic. Mira wouldn’t actually fire him from being the driver but if she doesn’t want to talk about her bad driving skills then he won’t talk about it.

Lance hasn’t been home in almost a year so he knows that without a doubt, he’s missing out on many, many things. However, he hopes that some things haven’t changed.

“Well, Azu’s the same—she’s still married to her job and sketchbook. I’m pretty sure Mom is worried because it’s not like she doesn’t have suitors, she does and even receives flowers. She’d rather arrange the flowers in a pretty vase than to read the card that comes with the bouquet,” Mira says with exasperation.

Lance chuckles, it’s like Azura, his eldest sister, to treat the flowers better than the suitor. To her, her job as an interior designer comes first then it’s her family then if she has time, herself. She finds it a hassle if she gives anyone false hope because then they get too optimistic. Then she has to take precious time from her work to shooting the hopeful people down—which she does very bluntly and coarsely. Azura is a person that doesn’t waste time and it’s admirable how dedicated she is but Lance can’t help but feel lonely looking at her.

“Cece, well…I’m not sure what she’s up to or where she is sometimes. She and Mimi just graduated high school so with all the free time, she’s literally everywhere from volunteering at the hospital to helping Dad close the barber shop or dropping by Grandma for lunch. She’s aimless, almost like how you were before leaving for university.” Mira has concern written all over her face and Lance nods. Celia’s the traveler of the family. Gone in a flash but always back in time for dinner.

“Mimi, on the other hand.” Mira sighs. “He’s too _predictable._ He’s either in the kitchen or at work which is another kitchen.”

“You would think he’d be sick of the kitchen by now,” Lance jokes and Mira shakes her head again.

Celia and Damian are his younger twin siblings. Twins are attached at the hips or they’re two different ends of a spectrum. Celia and Damian are both of these—they’re really close and Lance swears they have telepathy but their interests and hobbies pull them far apart. Damian prefers to work in solitude and while Celia doesn’t mind the solitude, she’s very comfortable talking to people and doesn’t mind being the center of attention. So while Lance can guess where Damian is, Celia’s whereabouts is always a big question mark.

The twins started getting more distant when Damian got infatuated with cooking in the beginning of his freshman year of high school and became glued to Mom’s side, who’s a home economics teacher. Mom through a word of mouth managed to land Damian a volunteer position at some fancy restaurant and later, he ended up working there.

Celia, on the other hand, is interested in anything and everything. Her impressive and still-growing lists of volunteer experience is an undisputable proof of that. She’s always doing two things at once and she’s gotten good at juggling but Lance always wonders where her zeal will lead her.

When they’re at a red light, Mira says, “Open up” and pops something in Lance’s mouth.

Lance isn’t sure what he’s eating until he bites down on something soft and recognizes the cream cheese filling of the macaroon shell. Without a doubt, Lance knows it’s one of Damian’s work. It’s really good and it’s to be expected with Damian and his dedication to food. He has enough personal recipe books to start his own collection.

“It’s good,” Lance exclaims and Mira gives him another one to chew on. Macaroons are hard to make, based on Allura’s many failed attempts, so Lance glows with pride at Damian’s skills.

“Mimi wanted you to have these while they’re still fresh.”

Lance can’t help the smirk plastered on his face. Damian’s always been on the shyer side when it comes to showing affections so they have to guess what he’s trying to say based on the things he makes. If he makes Lance’s favourite dish then he loves Lance a lot but if there’s a frown made of pepperonis on his pizza then Damian’s upset at Lance.

Another reason why Lance is grinning is because of Mira’s dumb nicknames for them. Cece and Mimi sound okay on their own but put them together in the same sentence then it sounds like Mira’s ogling over her pets. Damian has raised this concern to Mira many times about it but because Celia doesn’t care about it—her name isn’t that bad, it’s just Damian crying over his—so Mira has made no effort to change it.

“It’s worth the hour wait then,” Lance remarks, opening his mouth for the third macaroon. “I thought Damian’s interested in cooking, why the pastry excellence?”

“His restaurant just hired a new pastry chef so Mimi’s learning some new things. Though I think the chef is scared of the pastry chef trying to recruit Mimi.” Mira chuckles and Lance snorts. Damian puts his all into whatever he does so many people are won over by his determination. Too bad he doesn’t realize it and prefers to work backstage than onstage.

“How’s the baby?”

“Poppy’s going to punch you.”

Seraphina’s the youngest McClain who prefers to go by her middle name, Poppy. Lance doesn’t know what his parents were thinking when they agree to grandma’s suggestion of Seraphina. It’s a lovely name but it sounds so formal and different from their own names. Usually their grandparents have the honor of giving them their middle names whereas their parents choose the first name but for some reason, Poppy’s a different case.

Lance chuckles at Mira because they both know Poppy would never harm him because she dotes on him too much. When Poppy was born, Azura was sucked into the arts so she was always in her own little world and absent from Poppy’s. Mira was and is still looking out for them like a Mom so she was too busy caring for all of them to devote any special attention to Poppy. When Damian and Celia were born, Lance was too young to be fascinated with the gift of life so when Poppy arrived, six year old Lance couldn’t stop fawning over her. As a result, she grew up as a devoted follower of Lance and this is something he takes great pride in.

“She _is_ the baby,” Lance proclaims then wrinkles his nose. “Though I hope she doesn’t take after Azu too much.”

“Don’t worry, even though her sketchbook is an extension of her arm, she still goes out of her room,” Mira comforts.

Azura and Poppy are the artists of the family. Azura brought mathematics into the arts, which is a truly formidable feat, and went into interior designing. Poppy is less rigid, finding more interest in abstract art—the kind where she draws with no clear direction and is fine with it being formless and nameless. Azura wants to capture the beauty of the world in her sketchbook but the world can’t be tamed like that. So she works in harmony with it by using it as a base to push her creativity forward. Poppy creates new meaning through her art and records them in her sketchbook but no sketchbook can ever contain what Poppy has to offer. Though, this doesn’t stop Poppy from bringing her inspiration into reality and she’s been drawing since she was four.

Azura wants to study existing greatness while Poppy wants to seek new greatness.

Two artists with two different mindsets.

“Nothing’s changed too much so you don’t have to worry,” Mira assures. If she’s the mom sibling then Lance’s the dad sibling though he thinks Azura should be one of the parental sibling given her age but she lacks sympathy for that.

“And what about you?” Lance asks. Mira’s so considerate and caring of others that she always forgets about herself so it’s the siblings’ job to think for her. “How’s school and the wedding preparations? Congratulations again.”

Lance smiles at the silver band on her finger. When she initially called to tell him the news, he sent his blessings but he has to extend it again. No blessing is ever too much when it’s about something as exultant as a wedding and nonetheless, it’s one of his beloved siblings’ weddings.

“Thank you,” Mira replies. Even though he can’t see her expression but her voice is gentle and warm, speaking volumes for the joy she feels about the wedding. “The wedding’s in six weeks so there’s a lot of time but it’s still a lot to organize.”

“It’s a one in a lifetime thing so of course, we have to be meticulous to make sure things are perfect.”

 _“Meticulous,”_ Mira mocks, “You’re sounding a lot like Azu.”

The word _‘meticulous’_ is Keith’s word and Lance never thought he would catch himself using it.

_When did he pick it up?_

There’s a saying that lovers resemble each other and they did live together so of course, Lance and Keith would pick up on each other’s mannerisms and quirks. Now that they’ve broken up, Lance wonders if he’ll start losing traces of Keith within him.

“Lance, are you okay?”

Lance quickly glances at Mira. There’s concern written on her face and Lance tries to shake the worry off his own. He isn’t going to put his family through his moody post break-up phase. He’s bothered Hunk long enough so he can’t bother them too.

“I’m fine and your grad program?”

“Going well! Got a year left before I graduate so I’m looking forward to it.”

“Continuing the family legacy by becoming a teacher?”

Both of their maternal grandparents are teachers—their grandma was an elementary music and strings teacher and now teaches part-time at a music academy whereas their grandpa was a history professor—and their mom is currently a home economics teacher. Mom didn’t drill teaching into their minds but it’s a nice coincidence that Mira wants to be a high school teacher so they can make the legacy joke.

“Yup, that’s the goal. Hopefully a French or history teacher.”

“You can also teach sociology or philosophy.”

“That’s only if they are lacking teachers in that field,” Mira reminds him and he rolls his eyes because modest Mira strikes again.

His siblings and him all know that Mira works super hard on this dream. She shed a lot of blood and tears for her career but she always downplays her accomplishment so they have to do the bragging for her.

Mira dotes on their history-loving Grandpa as much as Poppy dotes on Lance—which is a lot of doting. Their grandpa is the reason why they know some Latin and Greek vocabularies because of the stories he would tell them. Mira took her love for history further by learning French to understand more of the historical artifacts. Now Mira and Grandpa go on museum dates with Mira adding onto Grandpa’s knowledge and together, they form analyses.

“You’re planning on staying here?” Lance asks, admiring the nice spacious view of their hometown. It’s not hustling like the city and Lance finds it a bit too bare for his liking but to Mira, their hometown is just the right amount of busy.

“That’s the plan.” Mira nods, looking at the streets as Lance makes his way through downtown. Downtown being a block of stores that close at 8pm.

“How’s Miles feeling about the marriage?” Her husband-to-be is patient and kind, just like her. Looking at them gives him the feeling that they’re meant for each other. He doesn’t believe in those fairy-tale talks but they act like they’ve known each other their whole lives with how their mannerisms and gestures complement each other.

“He’s mentally prepared,” Mira chuckles.

“If he survived Azu’s interrogation then he knows what he’s swearing into,” Lance teases, remembering Miles’ overwhelmed face when he was introduced to their family for the first time. He lives by himself because his parents are overseas so he’s used to being alone. So the McClain family was a bit too much for Miles and made him uncomfortable. However, he stuck through it so Lance thinks Miles is a pretty cool guy.

“He’s a keeper, all right,” Lance remarks and Mira beams.

Lance’s glad Mira found someone to spend the rest of her life with, someone that can put up with their bubbly and noisy family, someone who loves her and vows on that everlasting love to cherish her.

 

***

 

Before Lance could take five steps from the front door of their house, he sees Poppy running towards him and he drops his bags to catch her. “Lance!” She giggles, latching onto his arms and he spins her around.

“You’ve gotten lighter,” Lance comments while setting her down. He takes a good look of her and sees that she has indeed gotten smaller which isn’t supposed to be happening for a fifteen year old. He frowns and Poppy touches the spot in-between his forehead to smooth out the wrinkle.

“It’s nothing,” she chirps and he’s about to say more when he sees Mom coming out from the kitchen. He gives her a hug, noticing that she smells like chicken.

_So they’re having chicken tonight._

“It’s been a while since you’ve been home, go rest up and I’ll call you down to dinner,” Mom tells him while patting his head. He nods, feeling like a small child again. He knows this special codding is because of his break-up but he didn’t realize he needed comforting until now. He wants to be spoiled, babied and he’s grateful for his family who can read him better than he understands himself.

 

***

 

Lance lies on his bottom bunk-bed, bloated from dinner but also feeling a sense of strangeness in the house he grew up in.

_Dinner was weird._

Sure, there were two or three conversations happening at the same time. It was loud and rowdy and Lance almost choked on water twice because of Mom’s bad jokes but Lance didn’t feel like he belonged there; he felt like a visitor. Despite knowing every corner, every crack in this house, things didn’t feel right. He thought he would be happy to be at home after so long. He expected his homesickness to cease but now that he’s here, he’s yearning for something else.

Maybe he’s been gone for too long that he forgot what home is. And now that he’s home, it isn’t what he expected so he’s having a hard time accepting it. But if this isn’t what Lance wanted then what is he looking for? What does he want? For his family to cure this eerie emptiness inside him? For him to feel light and airy and free of his troubles, to be bestowed with a foreign surge of invincibility? If home doesn’t heal him then what can he do? What is he doing wrong?

To distract himself, Lance scrolls through facebook and there’s a photo of Keith smacked right on top of his newsfeed, courtesy of his Mom. It looks like he’s at a train station with his Mom and Uncle, ready to leave Italy and even though Keith looks nonchalant, Lance can see that he’s disappointed to be leaving which speaks for how much fun he’s having on the trip. He’s glad Keith is enjoying the rest of his summer despite the break-up.

To be honest, Lance’s surprised that Keith agreed to go on the trip in the first place because it’s a new experience, a lot of change but Keith’s a total softie when it comes to his Mom. Well, Lance thinks, anyone in the right mind would choose Italy over school, except for Keith.

A curious thought comes and Lance is wondering how Keith would act if he were here with him, in his home with his family. Keith’d probably be sleeping beside Lance right now but not without a mini panic attack before dinner because _there are so many people, what does Keith say? How does he act? Is his hair okay? Does his cologne bother anyone?_

Lance stops these thoughts before they can go further. He reminds himself that they’ve broken up, they’re done, they’re over. He’s the one who pulled the trigger on their relationship so both of them can be ridded from their misery. Since Lance ended the relationship, he doesn’t have the right to be sad over it. He doesn’t deserve to think of Keith, not after what he did to him so he has to stop thinking about him.

Thankfully, there’s a knock on the door that pulls Lance from his thoughts.

“Come in,” Lance states and sits up.

“Horror movie marathon time,” Celia pokes her head in to announce. It’s one of the McClain siblings’ tradition to marathon horror movies every other Friday night. When they grew up, this tradition ended up changing to ‘whenever they’re all home at the same time’ but even then, it doesn’t happen often. The punishment is the first one to shriek, look away or even flinch has to treat everyone to ice cream. It usually alternates between the twins or Mira.

“Coming,” he replies and throws his feet over the bed.

Celia studies his face and asks, “Do you want to talk?”

“No, why?” Lance stops in front of her. There’s a heavy feeling in his throat and he swallows it. He doesn’t remember Celia being _this_ attentive. Sure, she cares and watches out for them but she never brings up her worries in case she’s wrong and creates more stress for them. She’s that _considerate._

“You look sad,” Celia replies with an unexpected bluntness that strips Lance of his façade. Celia’s always had a way of cushioning her words but if she’s talking to him _like this_ then it means Lance is doing a crappy job at being okay and he’s doing a crappier job of fooling her.

His fiddles with his fingers and looks down at the carpeted floor. He doesn’t reply and she continues talking. “Do you miss Keith?”

Lance takes a deep breath to calm his emotions and runs his hand through his hair. He quickly looks to the ceiling to hide any tears that might come. He’s unsure how to answer this question; it’s a ‘yes’ if he’s honest but it’s a ‘no’ if he doesn’t want to worry his family. He can’t be both so it’s going to be an ‘I don’t know.’ Before he could reply, she walks up and wordlessly hugs him. Lance wraps his arms around her and notices that she’s gotten taller.

“Hugs are supposed to make you feel better,” Celia whispers and he smiles weakly. She’s grown up so much that now, she’s comforting him. He buries his face in her hair, feeling a bit better.

“It’s because oxytocin, the feel good hormone, is released,” Lance answers. He knows this because he used this line on Keith many times before to get hugs off him. He didn’t think he’d ever get a feel-good hug but right now, he realizes that he really needs one. He closes his eyes and whispers in a low voice, “Thank you Lia.”

Azura pops up from behind them to interrupt this moment because she can’t read the moment. She nearly scares the daylight out of him because of her face mask.

“Come on, the movie is starting soon,” she remarks before throwing her arms around their necks to drag them both downstairs.

In the end, Lance is driving everyone in Dad’s van to McDonalds for ice cream at midnight because he unceremoniously tipped the popcorn bowl over and shrieked over a classic jump scare within the first five minutes of the movie. He didn’t remember Thai movies making him this jumpy—he got an uncouth comment from Damian calling him frail-hearted—but his undignified squeal tells him otherwise.

Memories come back as Azura and Poppy contemplate the new McFlurry choices, Mira’s already flagging down a table because she doesn’t need time to make an order, she’s getting her _‘usual,’_ and the twins are pointing at the same ice cream flavor. They’re sweet and tender memories and Lance can’t stop grinning.

Despite home feeling weird, it’s good to be back.

 

***

 

One of the many reasons why Lance is an early riser is because in this house, there are two washrooms but with six people, two washrooms don’t do much to stop the arguments in the early morning. Now there are eight people fighting for the bathrooms because Azura and Mira stayed the night so the battle in the morning is more fierce. Before leaving for university, Lance was trained to get up early to fight for a spot. Now that he’s lived the luxury of dorm life with its many washrooms and shared an apartment with Keith who doesn’t get up past noon, Lance is used to waking up late. So he started the day with a dreadfully cold shower and it was not fun.

He’s sitting in the passenger seat of Azura’s midnight blue Lexus. She promised to grab groceries for Mom during breakfast this morning and ended up getting roped into driving Damian to work. Lance is here because staying at home meant he’s available to do chores and he’s never up for chores.

Lance is in the fruit section when Azura comes up to him with a flyer and a shopping cart.

“This is a sight to behold,” Lance mocks and Azura turns around to glare at him. “It is!” He protests, finger-framing this image of his eldest sister. “Sophisticated and well-versed Azu price-matching at a grocery store.”

“Look at you, Mr. Apple farmer,” Azura replies. Lance almost drops the bag of apples just because Azura said that. She looks over his shoulder and Lance can feel his patience waning. “Though, you’re picking out good ones so this could be your calling. Elite grocery shopper Azura with talented Apple Farmer Lance.”

“Why do you get to be elite?” Lance retorts and places the apple on the cart.

“I’m calling you talented so why are you complaining?”

Lance rolls his eyes. Not many people can tease and annoy Lance simultaneously but Azura is perfect at it.

Damian has a long list of items to buy because he’s still in his baking phase so they’re stuck in the baking aisle for a while.

Lance stops in his track when he hears a “So little brother, you doing okay?”

He freezes for only a brief second but it’s long enough for Azura to catch on. He knows what Azura’s getting at. Any mentions of Keith has Lance stumped because the wounds are still fresh. It’ll be a slow recovery and it’s going to be a while before he can be okay with hearing Keith’s name but Lance knows he’ll get through it. He’s going to get through it but he doesn’t want anyone to see his ugly, healing process.

Though he didn’t think Azura would be next after Celia to ask about his break-up. Since Azura sold her soul to work, she’s a bit lacking in the compassion department so he thought Damian or Mom would be next. Tell Azura to lead a new project at work, she’ll be fine and go at it with everything she has but tell Azura to write a heartfelt thank-you speech to commemorate that project then she’ll be perplexed because being heartfelt is a problem.

“I’m fine,” Lance answers, avoiding her observant eyes. Her job trains her to analyze people, to get their personality down based on their appearance so she can deliver designs to their liking. It’s strange how she has this talent of reading people so efficiently but can’t offer words of solace.

He pretends to be looking at the small, overpriced bottles of food coloring that Damian requested while Azura is busy reading his gestures.

“Mom and Dad asks if you’re okay,” Azura continues with a nuance of mirth, dropping her hard gaze.

“I’m fine.” Lance lets out a small chuckle. “And tell Mir, Dami, Lia and Poppy that I’m fine too.”

Azura laughs and touches his arm. Azura’s bad at cheering people up so receiving a touch from her speaks volume on how hard she’s trying her best to be the least bit comforting.

She gently explains, “Alright. I’m doing this because you’re prone to hiding your feelings behind that dumb smile of yours. I don’t know how to go about this if you close yourself up.”

“On the contrary, I think my smile is ravishingly charming. My customers tend to agree.” Lance flashes his bartender smile and shoots her finger-guns. Azura has this outrageous look on her face when slaps his fingers down.

“You sound like a gigolo.”

Lance throws the pack of icing sugar at her because she clearly doesn’t appreciate his allure.

“Dami’s going to kill you for disrespecting food like this,” she warns him in a cautious voice. They both roll in their eyes in disbelief and break out in laughter. Damian is the quiet, reserved one but talk about food then he’s a completely different person. He comes to life and becomes this animated person with stars in his eyes because _food, food, food._

“Do you want to talk though?” Azura asks again, sounding more solemn. Lance walks ahead, looking for the cinnamon powder.

His face is twisted into a bunch. “I was glad when you stopped tying ribbons in my hair—I looked like a flower bush—so I’m not used to this generosity,” he teases, “but we can talk, just not about why I broke up.”

Azura stands beside him and not-so-subtly studies his face. Lance swears a blood vessel is going to pop in her presence. “Just letting you know, you look adorable with ribbons—” Lance glares at her—“But on a serious note, either the break up didn’t hurt or you _really_ don’t want to talk.”

Lance’s deadpan expression doesn’t change and she backs off by taking a step away from him. With her, Lance has to be honest—she’s really good at reading people and he knows from a very personal, very embarrassing experience what the consequences of her exposing him and his white lies are.

“Are you really here to comfort me? Because if you are then you’re doing an awful job,” Lance comments, laughing while nudging her with his elbow.

“Hey, you know that’s Mira’s job.”

“Then why are you here?” Lance retorts but grimaces when Azura slaps the back of his head, _hard._ “So no one can fit the bill for you?”

Azura groans and walks away—this time, she’s avoiding him. “Not you too, Lance. You’re supposed to be my carefree, happy-go-lucky brother, not the aloof and awkward one.”

“Are you describing Dami or yourself in the latter part?”

Lance receives another slap to his head. “Lance, you’re not going to get out of this situation no matter how much of a pain you’re trying to be.”

“I’m just worried for you.” Lance looks at her from the corner of his eyes and Azura has a contemplative look on her face. “I’m not saying you should jump at anyone who gives you attention but from what I hear, your doors are completely closed.”

“I know you care. It is true that I’m putting off the idea of romance but—” Azura breaks into a smile—“It’s for a good cause. My career might make a turning point.”

Azura already works at an international design firm so he doubts she’s going to move companies again. So it means she’s going up the employment ladder.

“Senior interior designer?”

She nods and smiles giddily. Lance is overjoyed to hear the news because they all know how hard she’s worked to get where she is. She was desperate for improvement, she wanted her art to get somewhere so she drew and drew and drew.

After she got the job at her design firm, the new challenges that came from it intrigued her. The fire in her heart grew bigger and got out of control. Lance admires her passion and devotion but at the same time, Lance worries her job is all she sees. Like Keith, she has tunnel vision where she’s blind to everything but her job. It’s nice for her employers but he worries she’s missing out on other aspects of life but Lance can’t rain on her parade because the chance for a promotion is big and Azura deserves it so much.

“How does it feel? Senior interior designer candidate at 27?”

“Nothing’s set in stone yet but I want to prove myself worthy for the position.” Her smile radiates and he’s practically blinded by it. It’s rare for Azura to be riled up so he’s glad he didn’t dampen her mood with remarks about her job taking up too much of her time. Though Lance will forever hold his ground to the idea that there’s more to life than work. Romance isn’t the only thing to look forward to in life as there are many other things to enjoy and experience but she’s so focused on work that he can’t help but be concerned.

Azura reminds Lance of Keith because of their similar work ethnics. Keith’s already married to his studies so he’s probably going to marry his job in the future. There are definite perks for being so motivated but for people like Lance who’s patiently waiting for people like Keith to realize that he’s here, he’s waiting, then that dedication isn’t a good thing.

Maybe this is why Azura puts off romance. Not only does she not have the time and energy to nurture a relationship but she probably doesn’t want to handle the conflict and argument that comes because of her committed relationship with work. Azura doesn’t want to let her partner know that when it comes down to work and romance, she values work over them. The truth is hard to swallow and Azura isn’t considerate enough to soften her words so they don’t end up choking too long.

“What are you thinking of?” Azura inquires.

“You remind me of Keith.” Honesty comes easy with Azura because she’s so straight-forward and brisk. He knows she won’t be hurt by his bluntness because it saves her time. She’s not a fan of small talk, of beating around the bush so she’s grateful for honesty.

“I bet he’s hot then,” Azura jokes and Lance gawks at her in surprise then laughs. It’s strange because he didn’t expect to joke about Keith so soon, let alone hear _Azura_ joke about him but it’s a good thing. It might be Azura’s untapped and unique ways of comforting people.

“Well, you’re right about that,” Lance replies.

Azura tousles his hair and her expression softens. “You sure you’re okay?”

Lance nods and smiles. “I’m still healing but so far, so good.”

Azura wraps her arm around his shoulder. “Sometimes I forget you’re a grown-up so you have your own way of handling things but—”

“I know, I know. You’ll listen and give _mediocre_ advice.” It’s a big deal if she’s physically comforting him now so Lance changes the topic. He doesn’t want his relationship to be the focus of his stay. It shouldn’t be. His arrival should be a happy thing and he’s determined to make it a happy one.

“Lance, I am the one paying today and if you continue to piss me off then I’m not getting your cereal.”

 

***

 

It’s another tradition for the McClain siblings to go paint ceramic pieces at the local pottery studio every year, of course minus last year because Lance couldn’t be there. So now with their busier lives, they all try to go painting together whenever they can. Lance is always amazed at the ceramic selections from animal statues to food bowls and plates to storage boxes.

He settles on a frame like two years ago and heads back to their table but stops in his track, a pang of nostalgia hitting him. It’s busy at the studio today so they got the regular table instead of the big party one. The table is clearly too small to contain all of them. When Lance first came here, he was five and had trouble reaching for the paintbrushes in the centre but now, they barely have room for elbow space.

Luckily, he isn’t beside or across from Azura or Poppy because a single nudge of the elbow or tap of the feet can be fatal. So he squishes in-between Celia and Mira, the safest option.

“So Mir, if I do a good job on this frame, will you accept it as your wedding gift?” Lance asks, raising the frame for her to see. Mira looks up from decorating her plate and looks like she’s actually considering it so he stops her. “I’m joking, don’t take me seriously.”

“I don’t mind the frame, _if_ you do a good job that is,” Mira teases and Lance frowns.

“My last frame was nice, it’s still on display in the cabinet in the living room.”

“Lance, you went for the jungle theme and painted monkeys on them.”

“The monkeys represent us though!” Lance protests, insulted that she would say that about his work of art. While his artistic ability can only take him so far but he thinks his creativity isn’t too shabby, especially his color coordination skills.

Lance initially thought of buying her a wedding gift like a stainless steel cookware set but when he heard what his siblings were getting her then he had to reconsider. They’re really taking it up another notch because they’re not offering monetary gifts but service gifts, something that money can’t buy. They’re all using their skills to help out with the wedding which leaves Lance confused with his own gift because what does he have to offer? What skills does he have?

Azura’s taking charge of the interior designs of the ceremony and reception from the floor plan to the décor. She’s never taken on a wedding project before so she’s excited for it which baffles Lance. He would be utterly anxious and scared because it’s a wedding, it’s _Mira’s_ wedding, it’s a big thing but Azura is ecstatic for it, as if it’s her own wedding but it’s so like Azura to do that. Celia’s working on the music playlists for the reception so she’s been looking up classical music and wedding tracks. Damian’s restaurant is in charge of the catering and while he’s too young to work on the dishes and cake, he’s allowed to help with the desert and the table layout. He’s been starry-eyed looking for new recipes to try out ever since. Poppy’s designing the paper element like the menu and place cards so she’s been sketching non-stop and showing Mira her designs. So their gifts are a big family effort to help Mira plan her wedding.

It puts pressure on Lance because how can he top all of that? How can he contribute to the wedding with something that’s distinctively his? He’s confident in his words and his ability to socialize but what can he do with that? He can be an MC but that’s far too much responsibility and he’s scared of slipping up and ruining Mira’s wedding day.

“You can always help me with the desert table,” Damian offers, tipping his brush in green paint to finish his kiwi bowl.

“I’ll find something, don’t worry,” Lance waves him off. The most he can do to help Damian is carry stuff around to speed up the setting-up process but anyone can do that. He wants to give Mira more than man-power, he wants to give her something that’s uniquely his.

He just doesn’t know what that is yet.

 

***

 

Lance is busy texting Hunk when he hears the piano downstairs. He kicks the top bunk and asks, “Yo Dami, does Poppy practice often?”

“Every other day,” Damian answers, “She’s super diligent.”

“That’s why she’s Grandma’s favourite,” Lance remarks. Grandma insists that she loves them all equally but he knows she’s a little biased towards Poppy. Though it isn’t like Poppy doesn’t deserve the special treatment—Grandma practically raised her because of how tied up their parents were with them. With Mom’s school hours and Dad’s shop, their grandparents looked after them when school ended. Poppy needed more care since she was younger and they were old enough to look after themselves so Grandma is a bit more aware when it comes to Poppy. She ended up passing down all her music expertise to Poppy and Poppy did a great job taking everything in to become the pianist she is today.

“Lance, you play favourites too,” Damian replies in a matter-of-factly manner.

“Everyone plays favourites,” Lance reasons awkwardly. “But I love you all nonetheless.”

Damian ripped the carpet from under Lance and he did a good job at it. Lance admits that he looks out for Poppy a little bit more because she followed him so much when they were younger. Poppy listens to Lance more than she listens to their parents sometimes so he thinks she is deserving of that extra attention. However Lance has to be cautious because Damian’s the second youngest and can go on little jealousy fits.

He rolls out of bed and walks downstairs to eavesdrop on Poppy’s playing. She’s very expressive but sometimes it costs her technical points because her own impression of the piece overwhelms the original work, making her sound deviate from it. Some people condone it whereas some encourage it. Lance is part of the latter because if she can make the music her own by sacrificing some originality then he’s all for it. It’s important to him that she takes control of the music, to stand on her own and not get lost in the system.

He walks down the stairs and heads to the piano, drumming his fingers on the top. “I have a humble request.”

Poppy looks up and grins at him. “I accept your request.”

“You’re going to lose out if you agree without listening to what the terms are, Poppy dearest,” he advises.

“Would you really put me at a disadvantage though?” She asks and really, she got him there. He would do never anything to hurt her; she’s his little sunflower after all.

“True, true. So Poppy, I request Debussy’s _Reverie.”_

“That’s your favourite piece,” Poppy states. She scoots over on the bench and gestures for him to come sit beside her. He arches a brow in confusion. “Lance, you’re playing it with me.”

He smiles tenderly and sits down. He doesn’t hesitate to set his fingers on the keys, feeling the familiar cool surface. Once he’s playing the first few notes then he’s in his own world. It’s his favourite piece so he knows it by heart. Even if he can’t recall which keys to press but his fingers do and they unconsciously play on their own.

Debussy is his favourite pianists because his work always forces Lance to stop what he’s doing and listen, _really_ listen to the piece and reflect on it. He doesn’t know why but he feels such strong emotions and he walks with them while listening to Debussy’s work.

 _Reverie_ specifically reminds him of nice, idle strolls along the park, a trip down the river. It’s calming, inspiring and very gentle. It’s the first call of spring that wakes the small flower buds from hibernation while the cold, icy remnants of winter melts away. _Reverie_ talks about a new beginning that’s going to unfold and Lance watches this birth take place without missing a single beat.

He ends the piece with a few mistakes but is proud to say that he can still play it. Though he did cheat and practice a bit before Grandma came over yesterday. He knew he was going to have to play something so he snuck in a few practice sessions. His performance yesterday evening was better than expected because Grandma was overjoyed that he could _still_ play up to her standards—as a music teacher, her standards are pretty high so Lance is a bit confident in his abilities now that he’s able to reach her standards.

“You’re still really good despite not practicing much.” Poppy beams, proud of him.

“How can I not be good?” Lance jokes and usually, people would shoot down his arrogance but Poppy is nodding, agreeing with him wholesomely. Lance glows with happiness at her approval because Poppy is very critical of her playing so if she thinks Lance is good then he _really_ is good. He could always depend on his trusty follower to have his back.

All of them could play the piano because Grandma taught them when they were younger. It’s how she connects and bonds with them. Usually, two of them are playing a piece while the rest sing-a-long. It’s a festive and jolly atmosphere that holds many precious memories for Lance. They’ve all entered competitions and have awards lining up the cabinet, next to his nice, painted monkey picture frame. Though the majority of the trophies belong to Poppy because she’s the only who keeps up with the piano.

With Azura and Mira adjusting to the changes of adolescence and going through the awful rebellion stage, Lance going through his rowdy, sports phase that demanded frequent drop-offs and pick-ups and the twins going off to elementary school and needing the attention and care that comes from meeting new people, Poppy being two and still needing a lot of care, their parents were insanely busy. Sometimes they’d even stay over at their grandparents’ house after school because their parents were _that_ busy.

In those moments, Poppy’s piano skill was polished by Grandma and her numerous trophies prove that Grandma’s time and effort didn’t go to waste. Lance initially thought Poppy would go into music based on how dedicated she is but she shocked everyone by choosing an art major at her high school. However, music’s still a part of her because of her music minor and her participation in recitals and school concerts.

“So Poppy, what’s your forte?” She gives him a puzzled look and he knows he’s using the wrong art terminology. He swears, the sciences and arts should have their own language courses because one time Keith was gloating about this enzyme that moves electrons by quantum tunneling and Lance didn’t have the heart to ask Keith what an earth an enzyme is or what quantum tunneling meant. So that was the most confusing conversation Lance has ever had with Keith but Lance liked seeing Keith excited, even if it was over enzymes and quantum tunneling. So just like the sciences, art is another foreign language to Lance; he doesn’t even know how to explain to Poppy what he means by ‘forte.’

“Art preference? How you prefer to do art?—” Poppy is still confused and Lance wants to give up but continues trying to explain himself—“Like digital art, watercolor, markers?”

Her eyes flicker and she catches on. “Oh, you mean medium?”

“Yeah.” Lance scratches his neck. The art conversation has barely started and Lance can barely follow it.

“I do watercolor but I’m starting to do more digital art. Though I still prefer traditional,” Poppy muses. Lance nods, pretending like he knows what traditional means.

“Can you balance both though? Music and art?”

“It’s hard,” Poppy confesses and there’s a tender expression on her face, “but I can’t imagine life without them.”

He looks at her strangely. She’s 15 so she’s far too young to be talking about what she can’t live ‘without.’ Her life’s just taking off so there’s a lot more for her to see.

Music and art both require a lot of time and effort to get good at. Lance knows music and art comes naturally to her but she still has to put in the time in order to improve because without practice then having talent is useless. Poppy is young but she’s well-aware of this so she practices relentlessly. When competitions and projects comes along then he’s concerned her devotion will split her in two.

Poppy gives him a comforting smile and states, “Lance, you’re going to get wrinkles at the rate you’re distressing.”

He relaxes his expression and grins. “I’m just worried you’re chasing after music because you want to make Grandma happy. The intentions are good but it’s a lot on you to do both.”

Poppy doesn’t look like it but she’s secretly a people-pleaser, or rather, a family-pleaser. She wants them to be proud of her and what she does. She wants them to watch her play, watch her draw and drown in their praises. Lance sees himself in her when it comes to this so he doesn’t want her to follow his path and lose herself in the process.

She shakes her head. “I’m doing this for me. I love the piano. I’ve been playing for as long as I can remember so it’s a part of me. But I know I’m going to have to decrease the hours playing in the future to refine my art. So before that time comes, I want to play as much as I can.”

Lance has to give it to her for thinking this through. Just like Azura said about him, he has to admit the same about Poppy: she’s growing up and has her own way of handling things. If she wants to keep both music and art in her life then Lance is going to respect her decision because she knows herself best. But when she needs help then he wants her to know she can rely on them to guide her through her struggle.

 

***

 

The road to the barber shop is long and Lance is on lunch duty today. Fresh air is always nice—something Mom tells him before pushing him out the door so Lance forces himself to believe this because he wanted to drive to the shop but she gave him a firm no.

Lance isn’t particularly close with Dad, sure in a family setting then they get along but when it’s one-on-one then it’s awkward. The distance between them was noticeable when Lance came out about his sexuality in his freshmen year of high school. It was something Dad didn’t understand—what’s _pansexuality? So Lance is attracted to all genders? How is that different from bisexuality?_ Dad’s not the best with words so they were sharp and his questions hurt Lance. When Dad doesn’t understand something then he dismisses the topic over all. Lance’s sexuality is a part of who he is and when Dad avoided the topic, it hurt Lance because Dad didn’t try to understand Lance. It’s as if Lance is some dirty family secret that can’t be revealed.

Then the distance got even worse in university because Lance was ambiguous about questions about his grades, his career and his future. The more answers Lance gave, the more confused Dad became and started to question _who Lance really is, who is this son of his? How come his son is becoming someone he doesn’t know? When did he become such a stranger?_ Then the distance got so unbearable that Lance couldn’t see Dad in the far distance no matter how much he squints. Dad’s appearance in his life got smaller and smaller until Lance couldn’t see him along the horizons.

Though this distance was mainly due to their clashing personalities. Dad isn’t the most patient person so he doesn’t like Lance’s uncertainty, his hesitation to give a clear-cut answer about his career. He accused Lance of goofing around, for not taking his future seriously, that he’s had it easy for too long. The more cornered Lance gets, the more he doesn’t want to talk about it so that’s another strike to their relationship.

There were a lot of arguments and questions but Lance couldn’t change anything, not his sexuality nor could he really sit around and wait for his future to come to him. It’s not that easy but Dad grew up in a different time with different values and priorities. He doesn’t understand Lance’s preoccupation of finding something he likes. Mira and Celia nudged him enough, telling him to _give in to Dad or else the argument will last forever_ so Lance never brought up his sexuality and his future again. _It was easier that way._

The perks of having a big family is being able to efficiently avoid one another which Lance has been doing since he moved out for university.

So the topic of Lance and his future is left aside to collect dust and he has no intention of bringing it up again. However it looks like today might be the day to talk about it, especially now that the barber shop is coming into view.

He pokes his head into the shop and he sees the other barber, Paul, sweeping the floor. “Lance! It’s been a while since I’ve seen you,” Paul gleams and Lance smiles. Paul’s been friends with Dad for as long as Lance can remember so he thinks of him as family, as an uncle.

“Yeah, I hope everything’s going well.”

“The little one’s starting high school this coming fall,” Paul says with a hint of nostalgia.

“Wow, I can’t deny that I’m getting old then. I remember babysitting him,” Lance reminisces. It was more so Lance bringing Paul’s son to his soccer games then Lance running off to play with his friends while throwing a look over his shoulder every so often to make sure the little guy was still there.

“Right?” They share some laughter and Paul gestures his head to the back, indicating where Lance’s Dad is.

Lance looks in the backroom and sees Dad preparing the dyes. He clears his throat and Dad looks up to give him a nod of acknowledgment.

“I brought lunch,” Lance says, his throat going dry. He wants to be anywhere but here. He has to be careful with his words, tiptoeing around certain topics. Being with Dad reminds Lance that he can’t be himself because Dad wouldn’t like the ‘real him.’

“Thank you.”

“You eat lunch, I can mix the dye,” Lance offers. Dad looks at him for a second before nodding in agreement.

Lance passes the lunch to Dad and he puts on gloves to start mixing. It’s quiet again and Lance doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t remember talking to Dad much prior to their argument because Dad spent a lot of time in the barber shop. Azura takes after Dad the most with how committed they are to their work and how they’re both comfortable with the deafening silence. Though Lance gets along fine with Azura so it’s just Dad that Lance has some weird issues with.

He isn’t Azura who can hold a solid conversation with Dad like she can because of their similar personalities. He isn’t considerate like Mira so he can’t make Dad smile like she can. Nor does he have great stories to tell like Celia from her volunteer and work experience. He doesn’t produce great work like Damian and Poppy that Dad can marvel over.

All Lance has is himself.

And Lance doesn’t know how to talk to Dad, he doesn’t know how to make him happy.

All he has is himself and sometimes it isn’t enough.

“So Lance,” Dad starts, “You’re going to graduate this year.”

Lance resists the urge to groan because out of all topics to talk about, Dad chooses the career topic. _This is the last time he’s on lunch duty._

“Uhh, yeah,” Lance mutters and he sees a tiny frown on Dad’s face because of his mumbling. Maybe pissing off Dad is his talent but too bad, he can’t offer it to Mira as a wedding gift.

“Any plans afterwards?”

“No,” Lance replies curtly. Like Azura, it’s better to be honest with Dad than to run around in circles especially since he’s short-tempered.

“Are you moving back home?”

Lance’s grip on the comb tightens and he avoids looking at Dad. “I want to stay in the city. I’ll continue my job there while I find another one in the meantime.”

“Your bartending one? If you want to bartend then you can bartend here. A bar just opened up,” Dad says. Lance isn’t sure why Dad wants him back home but he knows he doesn’t want to stay here. It’s not that Lance doesn’t like his hometown, he loves it but he just loves the city more. He’s a restless person so the city can keep his excitement at bay.

Lance protests, “I want to live in the city.”

There’s an evident scowl on Dad’s face because again, he doesn’t understand Lance’s insistence on the city. Lance knows he’s close to stepping on landmines. He’s close to an explosion but he doesn’t want to back down—not this time. There’s no one here to subtly elbow him into submission and he knows he’s right.

There’s a sigh from Dad and Lance knows the conversation is over.

 

***

 

There’s a hug from Mom when Lance walks through the front door and he’s grateful for her, especially at times like these. It’s like she’s waiting for him and Lance needs this more than anything else right now. He wants to be spoiled, he needs comforting because he’s exhausted from that one visit to the barber.

“How was the walk?” Mom asks and Lance looks away, resisting the urge to shrug.

“Okay.”

Whenever Lance talks to Dad, Lance always leaves the conversation feeling like he failed or fell short of Dad’s expectations. It’s mentally taxing for him and he doesn’t like the feeling. He knows he’s good enough but sometimes, it’s hard for him to believe it when the people around him don’t.

What gets him feeling more dejected is the stroll he took around town afterwards. It feels like some things have changed but ultimately, it’s still the town he grew up in. There’s this ache when he passes by the giant clock tower. He looks up, trying to the see the top of it but all he sees is the glare of the sun. Looking at the clock tower, he knows it’s something Keith would want to see—Lance isn’t sure why because it’s _just_ a clock tower but maybe it’s the architecture and history behind it.

Looking around, he tries to find other tourist things Keith would want to see. Maybe it’s the vintage street lights, the stone sidewalk or the older buildings? Scanning the streets, he feels alone in this town, as if it’s not home, as if he’s just visiting. It’s a nice place to see but it’s not a place for Lance, it’s not home.

“Lance,” Mom coos and Lance snaps out of his memory. He bites his lower lips, knowing that voice too well. It’s the soft, gentle voice she uses when she’s telling him bedtime stories, encouraging him to do his best and Lance feels like he’s suffocating because he’s going to disappoint her. “You don’t seem like yourself lately, where’s the bright shine?”

He doesn’t know the answer. He doesn’t know who he is so how can he tell her where the shine is?

“Well,” Lance starts off, his voice shaking. _He hopes he can play it off._ “The walk wasn’t the greatest.”

Lance feels like a small child under her watchful eyes. Mom’s the last resort if his siblings fail at comforting him. Lance wouldn’t say that they failed per se but he isn’t the easiest to comfort with all his complex feelings and then hiding those complex feelings. But Mom always knows how to make Lance feel better, to bring him out of his shell. There’s a part of Lance that doesn’t want to be pampered; he wants to grow up and help her, to share her burdens, not add to them.

“You should be honest with your feelings, Lance. You’re at home now, you can do that,” she reminds him and Lance nods, looking down in utter shame.

Lance takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. “I miss Keith.”

This is the first strike. It’s the most honest he’s been since coming home. He misses Keith so much. Keith has never been here before but so many things remind Lance of Keith—it’s unbearable. Lance wants Keith here to see the place he grew up in, to count the stars and see if they’re magnificent as the ones they saw up at Keith’s family friend’s cottage. They would go down to the market square to catch some classic films or go paddling along the lake. Lance doubts Keith knows how to canoe or kayak so that’s another sight to see because Lance would definitely be rocking the boat just to scare him.

_It would have been so much fun._

There’s so many things that could have happened, so many memories that could have been made and Lance is letting those what-ifs haunt him.

But he can’t regret the break-up. He’s the one who initiated it so he has to own up to his decision and live with the pain. The reason they broke up wasn’t just because of Keith’s career but it was Lance feeling inferior and lost about his _own_ career. Lance doesn’t know what to do, how to go about with his life. He feels lost but at least, he knows not to drag his friends with him.

Finding the way back from the confusion of his career is something Lance has to do alone; he has to embark on this journey alone.

“There’s also graduation and life after that,” Lance continues, still staring at the floor. He frequently hears the whispers of doubt about his future and what it could hold. Now that Dad mentioned it, the uneasiness of the future resurfaces again and it’s swallowing Lance whole. He knows what he doesn’t want to do but he doesn’t know the answer to the most important question: what does he truly want to do?

With so many people questioning Lance, he’s being backed into a corner. He’s drowning under their gazes and he wants nothing more than to run and hide.

Lance is not a strong person, he can’t stand tall against these waves.

There are soft pats on his head and Lance’s vision gets blurry. _Fuck, fuck, fuck._ There’s a lot of things he doesn’t know but he wished he knew the answer to questions about his life. He wish he could solve his own problems and just be the Lance they all know. He wants to be the Lance that’s happy, curious and laid-back—not the Lance that’s stuck in this perpetual state of anxiety, fright and uncertainty.

_It’s not Lance._

_He wants to be Lance._

Mom’s lips quiver as she gently strokes the skin under his eyes. Lance gives up fighting and cries in the arms of his mother like a child. It brings him back to when he was in elementary school and he would be adamant on keeping his feelings to himself. However, Mom would urge him to talk about his feelings and it always made him cry and he hated it—which is why he doesn’t like talking about deep, complicated and abstract things because when he cries, he becomes someone he doesn’t know, something he doesn’t like.

“Lance.” She sounds heartbroken and it breaks Lance into a million sharp pieces. Lance doesn’t want to be this weak person in front of her but it’s who he is, it’s shamefully him. “You don’t have to put up a front and smile. Just be you. Things are tough right now but Lance, we’re here if you ever need support.”

“I don’t even know who I am,” Lance chokes. Where does he belong in this game of life? Is he standing in the right spot? Does he look the part? The answer to these questions is yet again: _‘I don’t know.’_

“You’re Lance Charles McClain, one of my greatest bundles of joy. A son, a big brother, a little brother. A great friend, a great person.” There are more strokes to his head and Lance’s heart swells because these words mean so _much_ to him. He’s Lance Charles McClain, nothing more and nothing less but someone incredible and absolute.

“What do I do, Mom? I miss Keith so much but I don’t have to time to think about this with fourth year coming up.”

“You should rest and not think about school or Keith but think about healing, about relaxing.”

Lance opens his mouth to protest, “Mom—”

“You can go volunteering, pick up some new hobbies, get another job, or go traveling. There’s a lot you can do in this town—” She chuckles—“Your life isn’t going to slip away just because you take a few months off so don’t feel like it’s now or never, you can always choose neither.”

All those options sound like he needs to invest a lot of time and Lance can’t afford that. He can’t afford to waste more time than he already has. Lance’s thoughts are interrupted when Mom touches his hands.

“Lance, I don’t want to see you upset like this,” she urges, looking him straight in the eye. “Promise me you’ll take some time off to relax.”

He bites his lower lips but nods to lighten the weight of her burdens. “Okay Mom, I promise I’ll go volunteering or do something to take my mind off.”

“You don’t have to promise me that, just make a promise to yourself: you will do things that’ll make you happy.”

“I will do things that’ll make me happy,” Lance repeats and he’s saying the right words because Mom is smiling and relief washes over her.

“You can go volunteering with Celia,” Mom suggests, “You two can go on a self-discovery journey together.”

Lance frowns because he knows Celia doesn’t know what she wants to do, hence the year off but their situations are different. Celia’s young so she can still contemplate her future but Lance is almost done university. It’s not like he can just take a year off now—out of all times and entertain the thought of starting over. The consequences are too grave and Lance isn’t daring like Azura. She’s bold but she makes calculated risks. Lance’s focus isn’t as clears as hers so his calculations are always off. He can’t take risks like that.

Mom sees his frown and urges, “Volunteering is good because it doesn’t have the pressure of a job and it’s always good to give back. Even if it doesn’t help with finding what you want in a career, it’s a nice breath-reliever and helps clear the mind. Trust me on this.” She gives their hands a squeeze and Lance takes a breath, feeling the rush of fresh air. Volunteering sounds promising and maybe, he can take this risk.

Lance looks into her eyes and sees the sunny warmth in them. “Alright, I’ll go tomorrow with her.”

“Thank you for giving it a chance, Lance.” Mom’s glowing and Lance wonders if he managed to take off one of her many burdens.

 

***

 

Celia wakes Lance up every Monday and Wednesday morning at 8am so they can walk to the senior’s home together to volunteer. It’s a recreational program for seniors where volunteers engage in activities like singing songs, painting and the arts, going out to the garden and chatting with the seniors to make sure they’re having a good time. Bartending requires Lance to talk to people and make them happy so volunteering is no problem for him. Though Lance feels like a senior himself because all the volunteers are high-schoolers and there are even some middle-schooler there while he’s a university student.

“I feel like I should be sitting with the seniors,” Lance tells Celia when they sit in a big circle to play hot potato. He eyes the red ball, the potato, being passed around while idly singing _hot potato, pass it on, pass it on._ Celia giggles and Lance looks at her, offended.

“Lance, you’re closer to our age than theirs,” she reasons, giving him a ridiculed look. “Since you’ve started coming here, the volunteer coordinator is less stressed about events because you’re dependable. So it’s good that you have a few years on us.”

Lance smiles, feeling a little good about himself until he realizes that Celia passed him the ball. He doesn’t toss it fast enough and loses so he has to share a dumb childhood story as punishment. As revenge, he chooses a story that embarrasses both him and Celia. He enjoys the glare she gives him and the laughter from everyone else.

 

***

 

Today’s activity at the senior home is special and comes once a week. The volunteers organize a breakfast event with them making pancakes—which is Lance’s job because he’s older and can handle the stove—preparing drinks and setting up the table. It’s nice watching the volunteers take the senior’s pancake order as if they’re waiters and waitresses in a restaurant.

When Lance is relieved from his pancake duty and heads out to enjoy his own blueberry pancakes, he stops short in his tracks because the table Celia’s at is full. Skimming the room, he notices that the tables are mainly packed with seniors and volunteers mingling together and he smiles fondly at the sight. It’s rare to see different generations mixed together like this to share their experiences.

“Lance, come sit here!”

Lance turns and sees a senior ushering him over. He grins, feeling a lot more comfortable around them than he was in the first week. Lance realizes that these seniors are more than just their age; they’re people with their own stories to tell, with their own wisdom to share. It’s inspiring to hear their thoughts and their experiences and how they see the world.

He takes a seat and they’re smiling so dotingly at him. It’s a warm welcome and Lance loves it.

“Your pancakes are great,” a senior compliments and Lance glows.

They start sharing stories and someone is talking about the times during war. War is always a sensitive topic but it’s something that changed them so they want to talk about it. Lance notices the senior’s hand shaking halfway and he doesn’t know why but he reaches forward to hold their hand. He wants to give him support, to let him know that Lance is listening to his every word so the senior can comfortably carry on. The person smiles at Lance and he feels incredible.

Lance realizes these timeless moments are things money can’t buy. He’s enjoying this experience because he has a purpose here and it’s to spend time with these seniors and the other volunteer. He’s receiving so much more than the time he’s giving out and this is what makes volunteering so beautiful.

 

***

 

Their task today is cleaning up the library at the senior home and Lance and Celia are in charge of tidying the cooking section. The yellow pages are dusty with the smell of old books but Lance knows they’re gems waiting to be discovered—he just needs to polish them until they’re shining.

“Dee would love this,” Celia points out, eyes scanning the pages of the cookbook. “I wonder if we can borrow this.”

It’s been a while since he’s heard of Celia’s nickname for Damian. Damian calls her Cee and she calls him Dee.

Lance smiles. It’s in Celia’s nature to think of others, even when they’re not present. Though it could be a twin thing with how protective they are of each other—something they both vehemently deny so maybe it’s a Celia thing and not a twin thing.

“Have you taken a liking to cooking?” Lance asks, watching her stare at the recipes in fascination.

“When you’re with Dee, you know a thing or two about cooking,” Celia answers knowingly but unfortunately, Lance doesn’t have the privilege of picking anything up from Damian. Though he did learn something interesting about Damian from Mira last night and wants to hear the full details so coming to Celia would be Lance’s best bet since Damian works full-time.

“So I hear Dami has a girlfriend.”

Celia’s face is marred with a frown, which isn’t a good sign. She rarely shows her disapproval so openly so either Damian’s girlfriend is someone Celia doesn’t like or Celia needs to be treated for her brother complex.

“Something wrong with the girl?” Lance questions, “I didn’t even know about her until Mira told me. Dami’s been so hush-hush about it.”

“Yeah, they’re pretty private about it,” Celia replies, her expression darkening. “Ella’s okay…She’s not a bad person. She’s just very expressive, self-centered and doesn’t listen to people.”

“Oh my.” Lance furrows his eyebrows, hearing the clear distain in her voice. Ella has three strikes against her and Lance is pretty sure Celia doesn’t want to even talk about her, which is a very bad sign. Celia is very considerate so if someone manages to draw even a single complaint from her then that person must be incredibly annoying. “What fallacy did she cause?”

“She was telling me about how stressed she was because of this writing competition and I tried giving her advice but she totally brushed it aside and continued complaining. Like she got in my face and was telling me how her problem was too severe for any solution,” Celia grumbles, rolling her eyes.

“A theater student?” Lance questions, remembering his own theater friends getting a bit too personal for his liking. It gets a bit overwhelming to be with them but it’s not like Lance is modest in his display of affections either.

She nods, sighing, and Lance chuckles. One of Celia’s pet peeves is people who don’t listen when they ask for advice. If they weren’t going to listen to her then why bother asking for help? It’s contradicting and doesn’t make sense to Celia. Lance admits it’s definitely infuriating but knowing Damian, there must be _some_ redeeming traits about her that caught his attention or else, he wouldn’t be going out with her.

“What do you think Dami sees in her then?” He asks, hoping to get some brownie points for Ella or else Damian’s going to be in a pinch and Lance knows Damian isn’t good at handling those situations. It’s not like Celia picks fights and Damian is rather timid so they’re not going to willingly discuss this topic either so Lance has to alleviate the tension.

Celia glowers. ”I don’t know. He just suddenly told me he’s seeing her and he likes her passion for writing, music, theatre, anything and everything,” Celia mocks with exaggerated hand flailing. _So Damian just drop the Ella bomb on Celia without warning—that was a bad move on his part._

Lance puts his arm around her shoulder and brings her close to him. “You sure you’re not acting on some brother complex?”

She turns to him and this is the first time she has ever directed such a nasty glare at him. _Maybe he stepped into a dangerous territory._ Celia and Damian are close and it’s not just because they’re twins. _They willingly choose to hang out together when twins usually want to put as much distance between each other as possible._ Damian has no qualms telling people he likes gardening and shopping for design paper and jewelry with Celia and Celia has a million things to brag about Damian because he can cook, he’s kind, he’s hard-working, he’s smart and the list goes on.

 _“Lance.”_ Celia warns him of his first strike.

Lance raises his hands in defense, already admitting defeat. “Okay, okay. No brother complex. I’ll take your word about Ella. Since I’m not at home, watch out for him, Lia.”

Celia has a sharp instinct when it comes to reading people. It’s the ‘impression’ she gets when she first meets them, which is scarily accurate, so Lance trusts her opinion about this Ella person.

Celia nods, her face brightening up when Lance takes her side. Despite turning eighteen soon, she still behaves like a stubborn child but this only makes it easier for Lance to cheer her up. “I will. Dee doesn’t look like it but he’s dense about a lot of things, especially with the food getting to his head.”

“You would know best.” Lance laughs. “So what’s happening in your life?”

“Are you asking about my non-existence love life?” Celia questions, flipping through another book and Lance raises an eyebrow. _This isn’t the first time she’s been asked this._ He wonders if Mom or Mira beat him to it.

“Or we can talk about life after high school, your choice.” Lance sees her puzzled face and adds, “If you don’t want to talk about either then it’s fine.”

“No, it’s alright.” Celia sets the book aside and gives him a shrug. “I don’t have anything to say about my love life so you’re getting the future talk.”

“Cool with me. So shoot.”

She’s surprisingly willing when it comes to the future talk so Lance wonders if this talk is scripted or if she’s comfortable enough to talk about it.

“I not sure what I want to do yet,” Celia says, avoiding his eyes, “It’s daunting…like there’s so many things I can be but that’s the problem, I don’t know who I want to be so how can I take an important step like applying for post-secondary school?”

“It makes sense. It’s dumb that we have to choose a career at seventeen-eighteen then spend the next few years working at it. We’re still figuring ourselves out so of course, we don’t know who we are and change is inevitable,” Lance reasons. He’s good at giving advice but tell him to listen his own then it’s a lost cause.

“Yeah but it’s intimidating because some people seem to have it all laid out.”

Lance knows this feeling all too well. The sinking feeling of inferiority, of watching people move ahead in their life while he’s stuck thinking of what to do next; the fear of getting left behind grows and feeds to the ugly green monster in his head.

“I know, it sucks,” Lance breathes out. “Growing up with Azura and Mira who are both so capable was super pressuring.”

He’s always looks up to Azura because to him, she’s someone invincible. When he was younger, he thought she could be anything she wanted to be. She knew everything and if she didn’t, the next day, she’d become an expert on the topic. To Lance, Azura is a walking encyclopedia. Growing up, that thought still hasn’t changed. She’s still curious as ever and her knowledge spans for miles.

Mira is someone he grew up aspiring to be. She’s someone so kind and always makes herself available for anyone that needs her. It’s incredible because Lance thought she should think of herself more but she simply told him that “if her few minutes can help someone then she would gladly give up all her time.” It struck him because she’s _still_ so giving and he wants to be that thoughtful.

So high school was easy for him. The teachers liked him because they knew who his sisters were. Azura dominated the math and art courses whereas Mira took reign over the humanities and literature so wherever he went, he was already in a good standing. He never realized how comfortable he was being in their shadows. It was easier that way because he didn’t have the face the baring sun, the harsh winds. He just went with the flow and the current always took him where he needed to be.

“You have Azura and Mira while I have Dee and Poppy,” Celia jokes. Lance smiles, forgetting about his younger over-achieving siblings.

Poppy’s a mini Azura with her blind passion for the arts. She’s been drawing since she was four and her sketchbooks are enough to fill a bookshelf. Lance is overwhelmed by how much she loves drawing, as if it’s something she never gets bored of. The thought baffles Lance because he’s never been so dedicated to something before. He doesn’t understand her love but on the flip side, he’s very proud of her devotion to the arts.

Damian’s always been in his own world. His world is small because he only cares about his family and a few friends. Everyone else doesn’t matter to him. There’s this energy that Damian possess and it draws people to him—maybe it’s because he doesn’t care what people think about him so he does what he wants and goes outside of the box. This gets people turning their heads to look at him because they’re envious of free he is. Damian thinks he’s socially awkward but people beg to differ.

Celia explains, “I always thought it was fine for me to continue the way I am, you know. Go with the flow of events and see where I end up because regardless of what happens, it’ll be fine.”

Lance nods, this sounding a lot like his own life philosophy.

“But when Poppy auditioned for her art high school, I was surprised. All of us went to Silverthorn for high school so I was expecting Poppy to do the same because that’s how things are, that’s how things have been,” Celia remarks grimly. “When she got accepted into her school, it was a wake-up call for me: I realized I shouldn’t live my life like that anymore, not when Poppy and Dee are fighting for acceptance and internships. I can rely on my family but I shouldn’t depend on them. I can’t just let things come at me, I should be on the look-out.”

The determined look on Celia’s face proves that she’s really thought this through. She’s starting to think of herself and where she belongs in the world. She’s not the passive, push-over Celia anymore. There’s this flickering fire in her eyes and Lance is proud she came up with this decision on her own.

“So you’re going to use the year off to figure out what you want to do?”

Celia nods confidently. “I probably won’t find it in such a short time but it’s better than going to university blindly.”

Her last statement stings because that’s what Lance did and it’s something he regrets. He wished he took a year off to think things through. He should have relaxed more before diving head first into university. To him, going to university was natural, it’s something everyone was doing—being independent, moving out, being adults so Lance couldn’t wait to plunge into that foreign but surreal world. He didn’t want to get left behind by everyone and drown in the waves of the reality of everyone leaving him.

There’s no reason for Lance not to go to university. He studied his butt off to get accepted into his university but now, he regrets not thinking it through more thoroughly. He applied for mathematic studies because he loves math, he loves numbers but after going to university, the numbers didn’t speak to him as much as the study of the Ancient Greek and Roman world did. The different factors that make up their society, the constitutions, the people in it—these things resonated with him. He ended up double-majoring in mathematics and classical civilizations. He really didn’t know what he was doing studying such weird, bizarre things in school but he enjoyed it so pursued it.

“That’s a good plan, I’m glad you thought it out.” Lance muses while patting her head, genuinely happy she’s not following his path.

“Thanks,” Celia replies, smiling then bumps shoulders with him. “So how about you?”

“My career?”

“Yeah or your plans after university or life post break-up?”

She grins when Lance’s eyebrows are knitted in frustration. He asks in disbelief, “Do you really want to hear me whine about my lacklustre love-life?”

“What do you mean lacklustre? You lived with Keith for quite a while.” Celia elbows him, laughing and Lance chuckles.

“Well, to make it easy for you, I’m not too sure what’s happening to my career after university. I know I like talking to people but that doesn’t narrow my choices, does it?”

“So you’re choosing the school talk,” Celia points out, “But human relations can be a potential career.”

“It’s a vast field, Lia.”

“It’s _still_ something though. So you have something to start with.”

“True but I’m going to focus on making it through my final year first then tackle my life post-graduation.”

Celia offers him a sympathetic and understanding grin; the grin that says she’s not going to push him and she’ll let him be—which is something he wishes Dad would do but he can’t have everything in the world. So it’s enough that he has siblings who understand him.

“Sounds like a plan so…what about Keith?”

Lance’s mind goes completely blank because he didn’t expect her to attack him with Keith so suddenly. With Keith, he doesn’t know where to start. There’s so much to say but he doesn’t know where to start. Does Celia want to know how they got together? What he loves about Keith? What Keith’s like in-person? How they broke up? The questions are endless.

“If you don’t want to talk about Keith then it’s fine.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to talk about him but…” Lance trails off but decides that it’s better not to bring up Keith because it’s going to be harder for him to get over the break-up if he’s gushing about him. Plus, it’s not like Celia’s going to meet Keith any time soon so telling her wouldn’t do her any good either.

“Don’t worry about it,” Celia comforts, putting a supportive hand on his shoulder. “By the way, I don’t know what you think about volunteering here but you’re really loved, Lance. The seniors adore you and look forward to meeting the pretty boy with the prettier smile every week so have some faith in yourself.”

He isn’t sure where this random talk came from but he accepts it as her attempt to change topics. “Stop flattering me.” Lance teases, smiling too widely.

“It’s true! Even the volunteer coordinator is really grateful for you, I think she likes you.” She gives him a suggestive nudge and Lance gives her a look, telling her to _stop._ She’s starting to sound like Azura and Lance doesn’t need three Azuras in the house—though Poppy loves him so it’s not too bad. He had hopes for Celia to be the second coming of Mira; Lance will guide Celia in that direction, somewhere far, far away from the critical Azura.

“How am I going to talk with the volunteer coordinator now that you’ve brought this up?” Lance asks in disbelief. “But to be honest, I didn’t expect to enjoy volunteering this much. I almost don’t want to leave.”

“You could make a career out of this too.”

“Okay, enough with the career counselling, Lia.” Lance throws another warning look at her but this doesn’t diminish her cheeky grin. He knows she’s trying to help but he can’t pick a career on a whim like this.

She chuckles. “Just looking out for you.”

“I know, thank you.”

“No worries, I know you got this. You can figure it out.” Celia encourages him and Lance smiles. If Celia believes in him this much then he should at least have some faith in himself “And Lance?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t push yourself either. You think you’re running out there of time but you’re turning twenty one this year and that’s not old at all. Your life’s just getting started.”

 

***

 

Lance practices the piano early in the afternoon after dropping Mom off at her summer cooking classes. It’s quiet in the house right now because everyone’s out. Celia and Poppy are out with their friends, Azura and Damian are at work and Mira’s teaching French at an academy. With all the time Lance has, he decides to use it to hone his piano playing. He used to enjoy playing the piano before he got enchanted by the world of soccer in second grade then he stopped playing completely when university came because he didn’t have a piano to practice on.

So playing the piano again is like meeting his first love—there’s a bittersweet, nostalgic feeling.

“Not Debussy?”

Lance flinches and turns around to see Mira standing at the front door. He smirks. _“Ravel’s_ a nice change.”

“I thought Poppy was playing for a second.”

“Don’t compare me to Poppy, I’m going to be crushed by the expectation,” Lance jokes. Mira walks over to sit beside him on the piano bench. He can tell she doesn’t appreciate his self-deprecating jokes but it doesn’t stop him from making them.

“Lance, don’t put yourself down like that.” Her voice is soft and he drops his glaze to the floor, avoiding eye-contact. It’s the truth though; Poppy’s talented at the piano so Lance doesn’t have anything on her. He likes playing it but he isn’t good enough to pursue it.

“It’s true,” Lance mumbles, his fingers glazing across the keys.

“You both have your own style,” Mira reasons and plays a short, slower piece. Lance recognizes Satie’s _gnossienne no.5;_ Mira’s favourite compositions are always the slower ones because there’s a hint of lingering nostalgia and a hesitation to let go. “Not going to lie, you, Cece and Poppy are the musically-tuned ones. I can’t speak for Azu or Mimi but personally, it’s like I have a vision of how I want the piano to sound but then when I play, it sounds completely different—it’s never the way I want it to sound despite all the practice.”

Mira laughs, drawing light chuckles from Lance as well.

Lance jokes, “I think the piano doesn’t like Dami.”

Damian is very technical in his playing which makes him sound robotic. He’s hitting the right notes but there’s no emotion. Grandma used to say he sounds like he’s pounding his fist to Nazi music.

Maybe it’s because Damian’s a perfectionist so he stresses too much on the fine-detail than actually trying to enjoy the piano—which is the reason why Grandma taught them piano: so they could have fun. Being keen on details is a good thing but Lance thinks it takes away from Damian’s performance, preventing him from reaching out to the audience.

“That’s why Grandma puts him on singing duty.” Mira laughs. “I feel like you guys always had this innate sense of rhythm. With practice, you can turn that sense into something breath-taking.”

“Too bad I stopped playing.” Lance shrugs. Mira’s encouragement is falling on deaf ears because Lance can’t fully appreciate it. He knows she’s trying to boost up his confidence, something she’s always been doing but Lance doesn’t have the time to pick up the piano again.

He doesn’t understand how the piano can help his confidence either but he doesn’t want to delve into this topic further. Confidence isn’t going to come easy nor does Lance have time to invest in cultivating it. He has other things to focus and stress about—like school and graduation.

“How about you play at my wedding?” Mira suggests.

Lance wishes he heard wrong because she did _not_ just ask him to play at her wedding. Him, Lance Charles McClain, him who hasn’t touched the piano in 3 years. He gapes at her, giving her time to reconsider her words but she’s smiling from ear-to-ear. Lance opens his mouth to quickly reject her offer but she interrupts him.

“You say you don’t have an excuse to play the piano so I’m giving you one. Plus you don’t have a gift so this is perfect. You get to give me something unique and characteristic of you, right?” Mira says and Lance nods, not liking how she’s right. There’s a nuance of mischief in her voice that spells trouble. “You need to work hard to perfect the pieces—which I know you’ll do well.”

“Why do I hear _pieces?_ Why is it plural?” Lance exclaims, looking at her for any hint that she’s joking. She has to be teasing him.

She smirks. “There’s the procession, which includes the bridal walk, and the recession.”

“Mir, that’s two songs and there’s a month before the wedding. I don’t even know what the songs are and—”

“Lance, relax. I wouldn’t ask this of you if I didn’t think you could do it. And you can, you definitely can.” Mira calms him down and he takes a deep breath.

_One month and two songs._

They won’t be too long, considering the processional song is probably around one or two minutes but he hasn’t played the piano in a while so it could be a problem.

_Can he really pull this off?_

“Mir, I-I’m so rusty…” Lance rambles, he’s starting to stammer which speaks for how nervous he is. “I don’t want to screw up and—”

“Lance, you won’t screw up. Even if there are slip-ups, which I highly doubt will happen, then it’s still _your_ piece. As long as you put your all into it then that’s the greatest gift for me.”

“You should have went to law school because how can I refuse if you say that?” Lance teases, a happy smile on his lips.

She’s right because even if Lance messes up, it’s still his piece, the piece he diligently practiced for in order to celebrate her happy day. He’s giving her what he has to offer and this is it, this is something unique of Lance.

“Truthfully answer me, Lance. You like playing the piano, right?”

He misses the piano. It’s been with him for almost as long as drawing has for Poppy but to suddenly pick it up again requires a lot of work but it’s Mira’s wedding so it’ll be worth it.

Knowing this, Lance nods.

_He does like playing the piano._

_He likes it a lot._

“So practice hard,” Mira cheers and gives him a quick hug. She hums, satistified, while making her way up the stairs to her temporary shared-room with Celia and Poppy.

Lance is left downstairs, now with a gift for Mira but only a month to choose the songs and practice like his life depends on it—which it does.

Lance has to deliver remarkable performances because it’s what Mira deserves. He sighs because being the younger sibling sucks at times because he gets coerced into things like this but thinking about it, he wouldn’t have it any other way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've reached the end of the chapter!! I hope you've enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. I love delving into Lance's character because he's complex and family is always a sensitive and sometimes, it's a private issue. Any questions then please do feel free to ask to clarify in the comments. I have spent way too much planning the McClain family LOL 
> 
> As always, comments are welcomed.


	7. Life, a Giant Museum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay for a new update! I thought I said I would update within 2 weeks so I've been working at keeping with my word...it turns out, I said I'd finish within a week LOL!! /facepalm/ But the chapter is out so horray!!
> 
> I haven't written a lot of chapters but this is one of my fav chapters to write so far! I love traveling so this was nice to write because I got the excuse to research Europe and places to go :) I also love writing Keith's family because they're so warm and tender and Keith really deserves this love ;w; he's a lonely fellow who yearns for love so this was nice to see him getting all the love
> 
> I also introduce a new character so watch out for her :D

Keith didn’t want to leave the sceneries of Germany so he slept for the entire flight to France and slept some more when they arrived at the hotel to forget that he’s not in Germany anymore. Aside from trying to take baths regularly and keep his appearance in check, Keith has been trying hard to wake up to his first alarm. So his body has been lacking sleep and decided today’s the day it racks up on the hours.

He wears a _click_ from down the hallway, telling him the door’s opening up and someone’s coming in—it’s probably Mom back from her morning stroll, ready to nag him. Keith’s senses are alert for any signs of her getting ready to pull the blankets from him.

“Keith, are you awake?” She strokes his head, smoothing out his hair.

Keith lets out a small _‘hmm.’_

“Some friends are going to be joining us for dinner tonight,” she tells him gently and Keith nods, falling back asleep. “It’s the Choi’s.”

Keith’s eyes jolt open and he sits up, wide awake to exclaim, “The Choi’s from Church?!”

Mom’s laughing while she pats down his unruly hair. “Yes, those Choi’s.”

“Keith, that’s the fastest I’ve ever seen you get up,” Uncle remarks jokingly and Keith falls back onto his pillow, pulling the covers up to his face and groan.

_This means Irene’s going to be there._

_Irene Choi._

His childhood friend and church-mate who he went to elementary, middle and high school with. When Mom is busy on tour promoting her books or needed someone to babysit Keith then he’ll be in her family’s care. So in a sense, her family are like his distant relatives who he saw once every blue moon and lets him eat candy before dinner.

Irene’s Mom runs a dance studio and Mom enrolled him in ballroom dance classes there. It was one of Keith’s many classes when he was young. To Mom, those classes was like putting him in daycare. Surprisingly, Keith actually enjoyed the ballroom dance classes but he wouldn’t say he has a rhythmic sense for dancing. Though he can brag that he knows the steps and is good at leading Irene.

Ballroom dancing was something Mom insisted that Keith try out because it’s going to be important in his future. He has yet to figure out how ballroom dancing will help him but since Keith liked it, he kept up with the classes up until high school. It was fun and he got to learn new things and see pretty, colorful costumes.

Once in a while, Auntie would take Irene and him to competitions and he would stand at the table, excited and clapping because his dance instructors would look gorgeous on the dancefloor. They were different people from when they’re teaching him at the studio and when they step onto the dance floor. Their movements were like water, very fluid and graceful and Keith was enthralled.

Keith actually competed for a while in elementary and middle school with Irene and got the bronze level a few times. He placed silver once in middle school but that’s the furthest his dancing achievements go. He didn’t like dancing as much as he liked having Mom watch him dance but still, dancing was a fun thing to do.

To Irene, the studio and dancing was more important to her than it was to Keith. The studio was her second home, somewhere she went to dance and destress. Sometimes Keith would come study with her there when there were no classes. He’s surprise she didn’t keep with dancing. Unfortunately, Keith didn’t have the capability to continue leading her but he knows Irene had the potential to go further with it. She eventually dropped dancing in her sophomore year of high school because of her studies and club activities.

Keith’s been meaning to message Irene to catch up but it looks like he doesn’t have to do it anymore. Though he didn’t think he’d see her and Auntie here, in France, of all places. They haven’t had a decent conversation since their second year of university because Irene’s studying in London and Keith sucks at keeping up with his friends from school, let alone his friends overseas, especially with the time-zone difference.

In the first semester of their first year in university, they chatted a lot because she was homesick and they were both in a science program and complained about their labs together. She settled in by second year and Keith picked up an international relations major so they had less and less things to talk about. Still, they exchanged birthday and New Year messages every year. They both knew they could come to each other for anything so maybe it’s a good thing they haven’t talked because nothing major happened.

Plus she’s a nerd—all of her facebook updates are about her new experiments and viruses so Keith knows she’s doing well.

Keith also remembers Irene being very annoying; annoying in a way that only she can be because of the times they spent together. So he’s happy to see her but he’s already tired at the thought of meeting her.

 

***

 

Mom and her friends are alike because apparently Irene is just as surprised as Keith is about seeing him. Mrs. Choi messaged Mom after seeing her facebook posts about the Europe trip and after a while of gushing, they planned the meet-up last minute to surprise their children.

Keith tries to not be gloomy while trailing behind Mom, Uncle and Irene’s mom, Auntie. Mom is going crazy because they’re at the Luxembourg Garden and Mom almost loves flowers as much as she loves Keith and Uncle. Her own garden speaks volume of this love. Mom actually met Auntie at a flower exhibit, not from church, so Auntie’s a flower fanatic as well—Keith’s surprise Irene’s name is Irene and not Flora.

The garden is split between a French and English garden and even though Keith doesn’t know the difference between the two, he likes seeing Mom happy so he agrees to come and take a million photos with flowers in the background. Though he wants nothing more than to be at hotel, in the nice comfort of his bed and catch some more Zs. Of course, sleep should be the last thing on his mind when he’s in France, the city of love with its fine wine and pretty lakes and mountains.

“You haven’t changed,” Irene singsongs and Keith spares her a glance before turning back to his camera to take another shot of the cool, summer evening in Paris.

“Am I supposed to look different?” Keith questions and Irene chuckles.

“It has been three years since we’ve had a proper face-to-face conversation, Keith, so there’s bound to be some changes. And video calls don’t count,” Irene points out, rolling her eyes.

“Yeah and you look the same too,” Keith retorts, engaging in this incredibly bratty but comforting argument with Irene. Irene and him have known each other since they were five so they’ve gone through the awkward, puberty stages of life together. Nothing’s considered ‘weird’ between them—not even when their parents tried to not-so-subtly set them up—Mom kept gloating about Irene’s bright, soulful eyes. They laughed it off and even considered humoring their parents if they weren’t worried about their parents actually taking them seriously.

“Hey, do you smell that?” Irene’s elbowing him and Keith nods, looking around until he spies a bakery.

“There,” Keith nudges her towards the bakery and Irene’s already dragging him by the arm so they can run to the bakery.

“Oh my god, Irene,” Keith exclaims, trying to catch his footing because Irene’s not watching out for him so he’s bumping into people and jumping over curbs. “You’re treating me for this and remember to tell your Mom we’re here.”

“Already one step ahead of you,” Irene cheekily replies, showing him the messages on her phone. Keith rolls his eyes. She understands his thought process very well so it’s like she can read his mind and act accordingly. “They told us to bring them some eclairs.”

Keith’s munching on a lemon meringue tart and judging Irene for taking photos of her opera cake. She looks up to give him a friendly smile and Keith’s brows furrow deeper.

“I take pictures to update Mom about my life,” Irene clarifies with a glare, “So wipe that scowl off your face.”

“Just visit her more often and that wouldn’t be a problem,” Keith remarks in a haughty tone.

She rolls her eyes. “Should you be talking when your Mom visits you?”

He looks down at his tart, defeated and her laughter draws a smile on his face. “It’s been a while since we’ve hung out like this, eh?”

This is their first meet-up in three years but they were so preoccupied in their last year of high school that they rarely met up. Even if they had the same classes, they had different groups of friends so the chance to talk was slim.

“It’s because you never visit me.”

“You study in London, Irene.” Keith deadpans. “If anything, you should be coming home more often.”

“Then why are you here in France and not staying at home?” Irene questions, catching Keith off guard. She’s always been good at sneak attacks like that.

“I’m on a family trip, why are you here?”

“Family trip as well.” She beams sweetly and Keith knows she’s hiding something behind that devilish smile, she’s always hiding something when she gives him _that_ smile.

“So what did Mom tell you?” Keith narrows his eyes in suspicion and Irene looks away sheepishly. “Irene Choi, don’t you avoid me.”

She mocks, “Keith Kogane, don’t tell me what to do.”

Keith feels his blood pressure rising already and Irene is enjoying this way too much. If he dies young then it’s because of her.

Mom’s really using her resources well—herself, Uncle and Irene—to provide Keith with the best cushion for his break-up. He smiles, touched by her efforts to make sure he feels supported. Sometimes Mom can get suffocating but it’s because Keith doesn’t express himself well enough for her to be at ease. He’s grateful for her working behind the scenes like this.

“Alright, alright. Mom dragged me on this trip because she got inspiration from your mom, thanks by the way”—Keith grins guiltily—“She thinks I need a break from my lab just like how your mom thinks you need a break…in general. Though your mom did ask me to look after you but she didn’t say why.”

Those were Mom’s exact words to Irene when they were in first grade: _‘Irene, please look after Keith for me.’_ He never thought Mom would ask Irene the same thing fifteen years later, though it should be the other way around because Keith’s usually putting the brakes on her crazy, spontaneous endeavors.

One of the many reasons why Irene and him get along so well is because they fuel the crazy impulses in each other. They wanted to break out from under their Moms’ watchful eyes so they went on many, many adventures together. Adventures leading to the police and firefighters getting involved because they got lost and didn’t know their way home, they’re stuck in a tree and couldn’t get down—all of this is courtesy of Irene. Keith was merely an innocent accomplice but he got a scolding from Mom anyway.

Of course, this doesn’t stop them from future missions—the most recent one that Keith remembers is the Shakespeare play trip during their last year of high school. They went to watch a Shakespeare play in the neighbouring city but they stayed behind so Irene could talk to the actors. They ended up taking a different bus from the rest of their classmates but Irene insisted she knew the way home.

_She didn’t._

Instead of boarding the bus home, they boarded the one that headed further from home. They realized the dilemma too late when they got off at the last stop and the station looked completely different than the one in the morning. They were at the wrong station and Irene’s phone battery was at 12% from taking too many photos and videos and Keith’s phone died long ago because he forgot to bring his portable charger.

So they walked and walked until they found a Burger King. Irene asked the girl behind the counter what city they were in. The cashier gave them a funny look but answered because they looked scared and desperate. Then she gave them a funnier look when Keith asked to use their phone so he could call Mom to come pick them up. Eventually, the girl eased up because Irene ordered something. Keith had forgot about his manners because he was so frustrated and afraid because Burger King closes at 11pm and it was 10:06pm. He didn’t want to be sitting on the curb in an unfamiliar city at night while waiting for Mom to come save them.

When Mom came to pick up Irene and him, she was not too happy because they’re too old to be caught in this kind of situation. _Two seventeen years old taking the wrong bus and ended up lost in another city._ She started laughing because the situations can’t be helped, especially since it’s him and Irene after all.

Keith is surprise their parents haven’t separated them because when they come together, it’s a guaranteed recipe for disaster. He fears that because they’re older and have money, they’re bound to do crazier, unthinkable things, especially Irene.

“Well, I think you need the trip because your Mom was complaining that you visit your lab too often, even on the weekends,” Keith scorns and Irene scowls. Then there’s this familiar, too familiar mischievous grin on her face and Keith wants to get up and run before she drags him into something else, something too crazy for him to comprehend.

She reaches into her bag and pulls out a selfie stick.

“No Irene, put it away.”

“C’mon Keithy.”

She’s bringing up a mortifying nickname from elementary school. She went as far as drawing whiskers on his agenda and giving him cat ears for his birthday because Keithy sounded like Kitty. Keith had to trade desserts with her during their lunch break for a week in elementary school for her to drop it by the time they went to middle school. A whole week of giving up potato chips just to go from Keithy to Keith.

Keith resists the urge to slam a fist through her opera cake but he composes himself. Not many people can throw Keith off and she’s one of the few that effortlessly pushes his buttons.

“You promised to drop that name years ago.” Keith scowls and throws an accusing look at Irene.

“The contract needs a renewal.”

Keith groans and regrets not running away from her when they were five. He missed his chance and now he’s reaping the consequences. “How many selfies?”

“Two weeks’ worth.”

Two weeks is how much time they have together before he’s back home. They’re in France for less than a week then they’re off to Belgium for the flower show. Two weeks’ worth of selfies for the three years they’ve been apart is a good deal but why is he even considering this deal in the first place? Then he remembers it’s because he’s Irene’s friend so he nods, unenthusiastically.

Keith exaggerates the biggest sigh as she pulls him into a selfie. Irene and him goofing around like this gives him a brief pang of nostalgia from their childhood. Before selfie sticks, they had bug collections and crayons and before that, dolls—albeit some of them were headless, courtesy of Keith this time—and robotic fighting cars. Times have changed but the roots of their bond only get thicker and deeper. With them being in different continents and going about their own separate lives, Keith appreciates this unchanging friendship that connects them.

It brings him the briefest waft of home.

 

***

 

Today Keith is in Provence and he’s certain Mom wouldn’t think twice if she was offered the chance to live here. They’re going to the lavender field after breakfast but she’s already out admiring the sea and the olive gloves. Keith is sure he’ll love Provence too, just not at 7am.

However he can only sleep for so long.

So now he’s awake, alone and bored.

Keith taps his phone screen to view the next snap of Allura’s story on snapchat. She documented the video game night even though she sucks at video games. She usually posts aesthetic photos of the sky or food or nice architecture so this is a rare, candid update. He hasn’t been feeling home sick, which is a surprise because he’s been gone for almost two months but he admits that he does miss his friends. It helps that he’s been messaging them but it’s also ironic because he talks with them more now that he’s traveling than when he was home.

He taps the screen again and he sees a snap of a clock tower. The tower has vines growing on the side of it and Keith is busy studying the clock’s architecture to notice the geofilter. When he sees it, he recognizes that the geofilter is the name of Lance’s hometown. His eyes dart to the top and groans, seeing Lance’s name. Keith is on Lance’s snapstory and now Lance will know that Keith’s viewing his snapstory.

Keith wonders how Lance will react to that.

Though Lance has been viewing Keith’s snapstory and Keith isn’t weirded out about it so maybe he shouldn’t be too concern about Lance knowing that Keith viewed his. He taps the screen again and sees laces with the caption: _‘Wedding prep.’_

He smiles, remembering that Lance’s second eldest sister, Mira, is getting married this summer. The wedding is what made Keith nervous about visiting Lance’s family. Not only was it going to be Keith’s first time seeing his family but he’s going to an important wedding nonetheless and he’s going to see Lance’s entire extended family.

Lance somehow convinced him to go—probably with a lot of kisses—and Keith was ready for the anxiety but things didn’t work out with their break-up. So Keith should be glad to be relieved from that nerve-wracking situation but he isn’t. Lance’s snap makes the wedding look big and festive with so many different people involved. Keith can’t keep a tab on who’s who but he can tell Lance is enjoying himself in between running around with the wedding menu design and the nice walks around town.

“What are you doing?”

Keith flinches, acting as if he’s being caught red-handed for doing something illegal. He looks up to see Uncle in the hallway. He was so preoccupied with Lance’s snapchat that he didn’t even notice or hear Uncle returning.

Uncle and him have an amical relationship—that’s the best way for Keith to put it. They’re on good terms but there’s not much for them to say to each other because Uncle’s not a big presence in Keith’s life. He works at a trading company based in Korea so he frequently travels and when he’s not traveling, he’s resting in Korea. Keith’s Korean isn’t the best so he tries not to speak it despite Mom’s relentless hounding. Uncle’s English is very formal and polish so it makes Keith uncomfortable talking in English because he feels like he’s in trouble. So Keith talks in Korean despite him knowing he sounds weird.

But this trip allowed them to talk more and Keith is starting to see that while Uncle sounds reserved, it’s because he uses English to talk to his clients so he has to sound courteous and professional. He has good intentions and does care so Keith has to give him more slack and not think of him as ‘Mom’s husband’ but as his ‘Uncle, a family member.’

“Nothing. Where’s Mom?” Keith lies, looking away. If Uncle knows him well enough then he would know Keith is an awful liar. If he doesn’t sound suspicious then he acts suspicious with him dodging the topic. He peeks from behind his hair and he can tell Uncle knows him well, based on the knowing grin on his face.

“Keith, you’re underestimating me quite a bit,” Uncle jokes and Keith gives him a guilty smile. “Selena’s still strolling with Irene and her mom.” So he had to get away as well. When Mom’s with Irene’s Mom, they can go shopping for a whole day.

Keith sighs. He might as well come clean with the truth. If being with Mom has taught him anything, it’s that he should tell her everything or else she’s going to interrogate the truth out of him and that is not a fun process. “I was looking through my friend’s snapchat and stumbled upon Lance’s.”

There’s a surprise look on Uncle’s face as if he didn’t expect Keith to be so upfront about Lance. Keith wonders what kind of talk they’re going to have.

“I never got to meet Lance so tell me about him,” Uncle says, sitting on an office chair and wheeling over to the bed Keith’s in.

Keith stares at him, dumbfounded at such a broad and open-ended question. How is he supposed to describe Lance to Uncle? They barely talk and Uncle wants to tackle this conversation?

In short, to Keith, Lance is an amazing person. Being with him is fun and there’s never a dull moment but he can also be particular about the smallest things, to the point that it drives Keith crazy.

“How about you ask me questions about Lance and I’ll answer it,” Keith says, rubbing his neck awkwardly. He didn’t want to sound too weird talking about Lance so it’s best if Uncle asks the questions and Keith answers.

“That’s a first.” Uncle chuckles. “So how is Lance like when he’s angry?”

Keith’s eyebrows are arched in confusion. “Do you really want to know that? You don’t want to know his hobbies or favourite color?”

“You can learn a lot about a person when they’re angry,” Uncle comments. “Especially if the person is someone worth keeping.”

“Well,” Keith starts off, remembering their fights. “He raises his voice but I think anyone would when they’re angry. Though his anger isn’t the explosive kind which is good because I can get pretty mean and sarcastic which would make his anger boil over.”

“He levels out your anger then.”

Keith chuckles, it’s a good way to put it.

“Yeah and he’s patient too.” If it weren’t for the many times Lance probed Keith to ‘talk it out’ then their arguments would last for days. This is one of the many areas where Lance is more mature than Keith. “Lance would always go ‘cool off’ so he doesn’t say things he doesn’t mean. He’s pretty rational and considerate. He’s a good guy.”

Keith realizes he’s rambling about Lance and coughs into his fists to hide his embarrassment. He feels something on his head and peers up to see Uncle patting it.

“You don’t have to be ashamed of it.”

Keith mumbles, grabbing a pillow, “We broke up so I shouldn’t be…”

“Just because you break up, it doesn’t mean all ties are automatically severed,” Uncle points out and Keith pouts, making a face of discontent at how these things aren’t cut and clean as he wants them to be.

“Lance really is a great person,” Keith repeat, realizing yet again that maybe Lance is someone out of his league. Maybe Lance is the best Keith could ever get but Keith knows Lance can do better than him. He deserves someone more kind, more understanding and more gentle—someone that isn’t Keith.

“You’re just as great.” Uncle reassures and Keith beams. “You don’t have to put yourself down to raise Lance up. I’m pretty sure Lance also shares the same views.”

“It’s hard not to compare,” Keith reasons, “But I know it’s a matter of perspective.” Keith knows he shouldn’t be too hard on himself and compare himself to other people.

It isn’t right to compare his past self to his current self either, let alone compare himself to someone else. Instead, Keith should use the experience from the past and work hard in the present to get closer to the future he wants. Again, knowing these things and acting on them are two different stories.

“Right, everyone has something to offer in this world. No one’s role is too small and I’m sure your footprints will leave big marks behind.”

Keith didn’t know Uncle’s good at giving advice. His words are uplifting in a way that’s different from Mom’s. Mom encourages him in a motherly way, she reassures him by believing in him, believing in his greatness. Uncle encourages him by telling him worldly things, he reassures him in a philosophical way.

“I know but when I think of Lance, he’s just this…amazing person and I really wonder what it is about me that he likes. I don’t think I’m degrading myself but it’s just something I wonder about.” Keith knows he has good traits but are they good enough that Lance puts with him? Does his good points outweigh his negative ones?

He’s bad at reading people and makes a lot of weird faces because he can’t express himself well so communicating with him can be difficult. Sometimes Keith is surprise he even has friends.

“We’re always harder on ourselves, Keith. Lance is a smart person; I know he sees something spectacular in you, just like what you see in him,” Uncle says. “You have friends to send postcards too so it’s not just Lance who appreciates you.”

Keith nods, exchanging a genuine smile with Uncle. It’s probably the first time Keith has had a deep talk with Uncle. He’s the closest thing Keith has to having a Dad so Keith wonders if this is what it’s like to be talking with a Dad.

Dad is a foreign word to Keith and his feelings towards it are even more foreign. Even if Keith has doubts about what these feelings are, he knows the care and love Uncle has for Keith is something warm, sincere and genuine. They’re a family and maybe it’s time for Keith to start focusing on his family and worry less about the blueprint of his life.

Family is another aspect to life but Keith puts it off because he doesn’t know what to expect and how to behave like a family. How does he focus on his family? How does he contribute to a family when Mom and him don’t even see each other that often?

To be honest, Keith isn’t really sure what a family is. He can read the definition of it and understand it logically but intuitionally, he’s not too sure what it is. If it’s people grouped together because of their genetic similarity then everyone on this earth would be family. It’s the social and culture aspect of it that baffles Keith because it’s as if everyone knows and understand what a family is but him.

But even though Keith doesn’t know the answers, he’s going to give this family thing a try. And it’s going to start with him letting Uncle’s words get through his thick skull. Keith doesn’t quite believe it but there’s something special about him; it’s something not only Lance can see but the people around him can too. This special something is what he’s going to offer to the world and he’s going to work hard to make sure he can help people with this special gift of his.

With Lance, the most Keith can do now is wish for Lance to get through his troubles, to find his special something and be so proud of it. It’s sad that Keith can’t do more but he has to respect the break-up. It’s a big blow to him because it goes against his morals. Things aren’t as black and white as he likes them to be when it comes to their break-up; things aren’t clear nor do they make sense but he has to make the best of what he has.

And right now, he has his family here with him on this amazing trip. He’s going to make the best of the time left in order to make the best memories.

 

***

 

Irene and Keith stay out in the hotel lobby after their hang-out in the sauna room, again this was not his idea. It takes a lot to get Keith to stay in a hot, humid room, especially with his thick hair but it’s Irene and Keith is always at a loss for words when it comes to Irene.

They’re catching up as their parents sleep and like always, they’re stuck in an argument. This time, it’s about who’s nerdier. Keith thinks biochemistry is outrageously nerdy because he remembers organic chemistry being an absolute nightmare in his first and second year but she willingly studies it and finds it fun? Waking up early to go to the lab to do these absurd experiments? If that’s not nerdy then Keith begs to differ.

Irene knows Keith likes making things harder for himself but to double major in international relations and global health—two hard topics on their own—but to juggle both, he really surpassed her in the nerdy department. Staying in the library archives, reading up old dusty books for fun? Irene can’t see any pleasure in trying to decipher old scripts but Keith does it for school _and_ work so he’s definitely an odd ball.

“C’mon Keith, your program sounds complicated.”

“Yeah but yours is simply dreadful. _Biochemistry_ ,” Keith mocks with contempt.

It’s like they get high off arguing over petty things like this but Irene is so stubborn and persistent that Keith doesn’t want to give in to her. It’s been a power struggle since young and Keith lost count of who’s winning and losing.

“Do you still talk to Katie?” Irene inquires and Keith has to do a double take because he forgets that Pidge’s name is Katie, not Pidge.

Pidge, Irene, Matt, Shiro and Keith all went to the same high school whereas Lance and Hunk are high school mates. Lance knows Shiro and that’s how the group got together in university. Matt studies aerospace engineering at another university but they still get updates from Pidge.

Keith knows Pidge misses Matt a lot. Matt’s obsessed with space, obsessed with his astronaut dream. Shiro and Matt are childhood friends and they’re space nerds with their eyes glued to the mystical unknowns. Matt never outgrew that phase so he’s studying hard and training to make his dream reachable. Becoming an astronaut doesn’t happen overnight and Matt knows this best.

Of course, Matt working for this dream means Pidge doesn’t see him often. Keith isn’t good with words so he can’t possibly offer any words of comfort but he tries to be there for her. Keith doesn’t know if it helps her but he’s trying and he thinks Pidge knows this or else, she wouldn’t have stayed his friend for so long.

“Yeah, of course,” Keith replies. At this point, he’s pretty sure he’s stuck with Pidge for life.

Pidge is going to stay in his life for a long, long time—forever even. She’s his dear friend, someone who he depended on during the rough time when Mom moved back to Korea in second year and he didn’t want to admit that he was lonely. Pidge asking him to room together in second year was her way of comforting him.

He didn’t want to say that he wasn’t okay, that he missed Mom terribly because he can’t be selfish like that. Korea is where her heart is and he’s been holding her back. Pidge understood Keith’s stubborn front so she didn’t tell him to let it out, to cry it out. Instead she let Keith carry on with this act but made herself available for him if he needed her. That was what Keith needed. He didn’t need anyone pushing him, forcing him out of his comfort zone. He needed time and space and Pidge gave him that.

“You two were inseparable in high school. You guys were either in the robotics club room or in your hallway with her brother and Shiro during lunch,” Irene reminisces.

Keith remembers those moments easily, missing his simple high school life where his biggest concern was whether he’d make it to class on time. Irene and him didn’t have the same circle of friends but they always made time for each other, whether it be Irene going to his robotic competitions or him sacrificing his lunch to help her sell desserts during the prom committee bake sales. They even went to prom together and he’s sure some people misunderstood them as a couple but they didn’t care.

“Do you want to call her?” Pidge should still be up,” Keith offers and Irene’s nodding. He sees the glint in her eyes and knows Irene is anticipating Pidge’s surprise look. He sends Pidge a telepathic apology from across the ocean, hoping it reaches her before the call gets connected.

Pidge picks up the call instantly and asks, _“Hey, how’s Paris?”_

 _“We’re in Provence now but Paris itself is an artwork, Pidge,”_ Keith responds, getting ready to gloat about Provence and almost forgets about the purpose of the call. _“You really have to visit Provence because its architecture is commendable.”_

 _“You should send me more pictures then,”_ Pidge complains. _“Or even a message in a bottle to let me know you’re still alive.”_

Keith laughs and defends himself, _“I mainly take pictures with my DSLR so you’ll have to wait.”_ Keith notices Pidge’s eyes darting elsewhere. _“Is it a good time to talk?”_

_“Yeah, we’re all here for a video games night.”_

His eyes land on Irene and she’s looking at him expectedly. _“Anyways, guess who’s with me right now?”_

 _“Your Mom?”_ Pidge teases with a chuckle.

 _“Pidge, be serious.”_ Keith’s eyebrows are knitted in frustration. He realizes that sometimes Pidge can be difficult too. Looking at Irene staring expectedly at him, he thinks he attracts all the annoying people.

Pidge continues being Pidge and mocks him. _“Your Uncle?”_

Irene laughs loudly and this catches Pidge’s attention.

_“Who’s that?”_

On cue, Keith switches from the front camera to the rear to show Irene and she’s waving happily at Pidge.

 _“IRENE?”_ He hears Pidge exclaim in sheer shock and something falls from her end—probably her controller. Irene can’t hold back her laughter either because she got Pidge good.

They embark on a journey down memory lane as they talk and catch up with each other’s lives. Pidge has the same distain towards biochemistry as Keith and he throws Irene a haughty glance which she kicks him for. Then Pidge hands the baton to Shiro and they’re briefly filling each other on the workings of their life.

Shiro introduces Allura to her and Irene animatedly proclaims that she’s so pretty! Then there’s a quick exchange of “hellos” with Hunk. In the midst of their introduction, there’s a ring coming from Hunk’s phone and he excuses himself to pick it up and passes Pidge’s phone back to her.

There’s a loud _'Are you kicking Pidge’s arse right now? Don’t let her beat my high score'_ that causes Keith to freeze because it’s Lance. Keith’s a little surprised Lance isn’t with them but then he remembers Lance’s back at home with his family to plan the wedding, the wedding Keith was supposed to attend.

Keith knows Lance would look incredibly handsome in his suit, but it’s too bad he can’t see it. His stomach sinks at the thought because he was looking forward to it albeit his clammy hands and nervous heartbeats.

Irene notices the weird pause between him and Pidge and looks at him for an explanation. Keith ignores her inquisitive glaze and continues talking to Pidge.

The call ends within minutes of Lance’s flashy disruption and Irene is still staring at Keith. He knows she has a keen sense when it comes to these things and was hoping to avoid the Lance talk because Irene is not going to let him off easy.

“What was that?” Irene asks, moving from her couch to sit on the arm of Keith’s couch.

“Pardon?” Keith feigns surprise, inching away from Irene. She leans in closer until she’s practically on top of him as he’s bent over on the other arm of the couch. He grits through his teeth while trying to push her off, “Irene, you are heavy.”

“Who’s the guy with the high score? He must be close with you guys to play games and have a high score. You and Katie…stopped for a second like you stiffened up and Katie got alarmed…”

Irene’s spot on with her analysis and he stops fighting against her—there’s no point in it. She has a triumph grin on her face and he rolls his eyes.

“I’m surprise you managed to see through all of that.”

“Keith Kogane, don’t change the topic.”

Another reason why they get along is because they both don’t appreciate the dawdling. They prefer to be frank and get straight to the point. They’re not afraid to question anything and this stimulates a lot of deep, profound conversations.

“That was my ex-boyfriend.”

 

***

 

“So his name is Lance Charles McClain?”

Keith grimaces, hearing the judgmental tone in her voice. “I know his name sounds like those annoying fuckboys and he does give off the impression but—”

“Don’t tell me he’s those kind of guys who wears socks with Nike or Adidas sandals?” Keith nods shamefully and Irene protests, “Oh my gosh, Keith.”

“He’s a great guy once I pretend he isn’t wearing socks with sandals,” Keith argues defensively with a laugh. Lance has the audacity to pair socks with sandals when they’re home and no matter how much Keith threatens him to change, Lance refuses and reasons that he puts up with Keith’s weirdness too. So Keith turns a blind eye to his weird fashion sense because Keith knows how hard he is to handle.

“Don’t lie, you love him. It’s all over your face,” Irene teases, wriggling her eyebrows and Keith runs a hand down his face to wipe off whatever expression he has on.

It’s the present tense of _love_ and Keith looks at Irene, waiting for a correction. She gives him her knowing look and he knows it isn’t a mistake.

“I love him a lot.” Keith mumbles, sinking in his seat to hide his blush. He peeks through his fingers and her expression isn’t a teasing one but a soft, gentle look of admiration.

“But your dream…that’s a big dream. You really outdid yourself there,” Irene remarks, staring into space with a look of contemplation.

Keith has always been like that—reaching for things that are so far out there, for the impossible but it’s Keith so he makes it possible.

“I know. I’m already sacrificing things for my dream.” _Lance._

“But you love your dream and nothing can stop you once you get going. I think Lance would understand.”

Keith shrugs and looks at the ground, dejected. “If he understood then we wouldn’t have broken up.”

Irene gives him a look, the _‘oh my goodness Keith, you’re at it again’_ look _._

“Keith…” she coos, “It sucks that you guys broke up but sometimes relationships don’t last. They can bring you further, make you a better person but it isn’t guarantees that you’ll stay with them.”

Keith makes a face of disapproval. He knows that what Irene’s saying isn’t wrong but he doesn’t like the sound of it. Of course it happens that some relationships aren’t meant to be but for Keith, it doesn’t sit right with him. He doesn’t like the idea of there being something about his relationship with Lance that _innately_ wasn’t meant to be. It’s innate so there’s nothing Keith could do about it and he feels helpless.

“You’re making that puzzled, angry face again,” Irene remarks, chuckling.

“It sucks.”

“I know, it really does,” Irene replies. “It’s the right love at the wrong time and it sucks but that’s life.”

Maybe it’s his intuition but Keith has a nagging feeling that Irene is speaking from experience. This wisdom doesn’t come from reading books or playing relationship counsellor. He knows from Auntie, Irene’s mom, that she’s never been in a relationship but he asks anyway.

“Irene, were you ever in a relationship?”

Irene gives him a sad but thoughtful smile. Her eyes flicker from a memory and Keith knows there’s _something_ ; something did happen.

“No,” Irene answers calmly. Keith doesn’t believe her and she sees his disbelief. “It’s the truth, Keith. I wasn’t in a relationship.”

Keith sees a new expression on her face and he can’t read it. She looks considerate but nostalgic and almost upsetting at the same time.

“But there was _something_ ,” he points out. The air gets chillingly serious and Irene’s playful demeanour is gone which rarely happens unless she’s focus but what is she focus on?

“Yes, yes there was. There was a guy in second year,” Irene admits in an uncharacteristically small voice. This is the voice she uses when she’s in trouble and wants to minimize the damage.

Keith nods but realization hits him, _hard_. He exclaims, “Wait, is that why you stopped calling in second year?”

Irene smiles but nods guiltily and Keith’s jaws are dropping. She told him she was adapting to school better so he assumed that’s why she stopped calling him so often. However, it’s probably because of _this guy_ that Irene settled in so well and stopped calling Keith.

_She chose a guy over him?!_

“Oh my gosh, not cool Irene. What happened to chicks before dicks?” Keith crosses his arms, his finger tapping his arm impatiently.

_Irene is in so much shit for this._

Irene raises her eyebrow with a confused look and states simply, “Keith, I’m surprised you’re getting worked up over this. Let me remind you that you have a dick too.”

“Of course I’m getting worked up, this is big,” Keith exclaims, flailing his arms. “And we both know that I’m more of a chick to you than a dick,” Keith scoffs.

To Keith, there are males, females and then there’s _Irene_. Irene has her own category because of how well they know each other so he expects her to spill the beans when something _this_ big happens. But there’s a small voice in Keith’s head warning him that if Irene didn’t tell him then it’s something minor and not worth mentioning or it’s something big and too painful to remember.

Keith is willing to bet it’s something painful so she doesn’t want to think about it. So he wants to talk to her and make sure she’s alright.

“What did university do to you?” Irene says, baffled. He wonders if it’s because he doesn’t show his emotions enough that she seems perplex at his concern.

Keith shrugs. “It’s the stress but it’s also because I’m worried.”

“Of course it’s the stress.” Irene chuckles. “But sorry, I didn’t tell you because…” She trails off, looking away in embarrassment. Keith softens up at her vulnerable front and drops his pretend act of anger.

“So what happened with the guy?”

Keith’s never seen Irene in love so this is a new Irene to him. He’d boldly calling it ‘love’ because she didn’t breathe a word of this guy to him so he’s either someone super important or someone insignificant.

He’s willing to bet it’s the former.

People are different when they’re in love and Keith realize that firsthand. Keith, himself, becomes more forgiving, more honest, and more considerate when things involve Lance. He went ice skating with them even though his sense of balance is non-existence on the ground, let alone on slippery ice. He does crazy and strange things but it’s a good change. So he wonders what Irene is like when she’s in love, how does she change?

“Nothing happened.”

“Why…” _didn’t anything happen?_ Keith stops himself, wondering if he can continue. There is nothing too personal between them. She’s the first person to help Keith figure out his sexuality hence she’s the first person he came out to, the first person he texted when he got his university acceptance, the first person for basically anything. So he wonders if anything can make it awkward between them.

“I loved him a lot, so much that I didn’t think it was possible for me to love someone but he had a girlfriend.”

“Oh…” Keith hates how his _‘oh’_ sounds but he doesn’t know what to say. The guy had a girlfriend but Irene loved him and that’s life sometimes. It just sucks for Irene and Keith doesn’t want things to suck for her.

“The funny thing is…he loved me too but he still loved his girlfriend,” Irene mumbles, her voice getting small and Keith knows she’s close to choking up. Keith reaches out to put an arm around her shoulder to rub circles on them.

This sounds too messy for him to imagine. If he were in that situation then he’d hole himself up for days, trying to figure out what to do. Ultimately he would be in the same spot, at point zero, except he’d be all the more confused. If anything, Irene would pull him out of that situation so Keith should do his part and help her out of her slump.

“I didn’t force him to choose because we were never officially together but his girlfriend sensed something was up. God Keith, I didn’t even know what I was doing.” Irene ruffles her hair in frustration. “It’s so unlike me to be in that situation but I set myself up for it.”

Keith bites his lower lips. He hasn’t seen Irene like this in a while. The fragile Irene who doesn’t know how to deal with her emotions. If things involve her dad then she gets upset but since she rarely sees him, she doesn’t get worked up often.

The last time Keith saw her like this was in their first year of university. She was panicking because her midterm was in three hours and she was still studying. He had to calm her down because she was crying so hard, she wanted to go home, she didn’t want to study torque and system equations. She had a pile of dirty laundry, she had dishes to wash and needed to call a technician because her internet was down but she wanted to do nothing more than book a plane ticket home. So Keith had to talk her through her ordeals, make a to-do list—the top priority being sleep—and frequently call her to check up on her and make sure she was following the list.

“It was like I was having an affair with this guy but we never officially said it. I let the situation go on because I wanted to be with him. I didn’t care about the misunderstandings between his girlfriend and him…I’m awful.”

“Irene, breathe,” Keith urges. He turns her so she’s facing him and their eyes meet. “Don’t be too hard on yourself. I’m sure you didn’t have bad intentions.”

“Thanks,” Irene smiles grimly. “For a while, I thought to myself: _‘if they break up because of me then it’s not my fault’_ but I couldn’t get over myself. So I confronted him and asked what we were. He never answered me directly but he chose his girlfriend in the end and stopped talking to me.”

“Irene…” Keith coos and she hugs him, burying her face into his shoulder. Keith feels her fingers grasping onto his shirt, just like when they were young and she needed him for support. Keith closes his eyes and pats her head.

It was a hard thing to do but it was a very Irene thing to do. She’s not the type to sit around and wait for an answer. She’ll run up to the problem, face it head-on and demand for an answer, even if it’ll hurt her. It’s very admirable and courageous but it’s a lot of pain to take. Irene’s a strong person but she can’t go on like this.

“He was a coward who didn’t know what to do and avoided me,” she mumbles and Keith feels her fingers balling into tight fists.

“Sounds like a douche.”

“But I loved him.”

“And you loved him,” Keith repeats.

“But I thought about it and—” Irene pauses and lifts her face. “I don’t regret it. It was a messy relationship—if I can call it that but I learned a lot from him.”

Keith’s confused at Irene’s kindness and forgiveness towards this guy. Irene’s nice but it doesn’t mean she doesn’t hold grudges. _She really loved him._ “He must have really meant a lot to you.”

“Do you regret being with Lance?”

Keith blinks, surprised at her quick attack. He never regrets being with Lance so he didn’t think he’d ever have to answer this question. The only regret Keith has is not spending more time with Lance, not loving him enough and not expressing that love more. Lance deserved more but Keith couldn’t deliver.

“No.”

“It’s hardly comparable but that’s what I feel when I think of him. You and I have both changed for the better after meeting them,” Irene comments and Keith nods. “I like to think it’s the right kind of love at the wrong time.”

Somehow, Irene always has a way of explaining things to Keith so they’re both on the same page. She does it in a way where they never leave an argument on bad terms.

What’s more evident is Irene’s love for this guy. She’s a straight-forward person and would have scorn anyone who put themselves in this complicated, morally compromising situation, especially if it could be avoided—the amount of times she cursed out the characters in dramas is enough evidence. Yet she allowed herself to fall into this tough relationship because of this guy.

_There’s no logic in love._

_It’s just love._

“I think everything happens for a reason, even if you can’t see it yet. So Keith, don’t blame yourself and cherish the memories with Lance. You guys broke up because of your dream, so you have to work hard to make your dream a reality. To make the break-up mean something.”

Keith sighs and relives the memories of the times he had with Lance, from the first date all the way to the break-up and everything in-between. There’s hesitation in Keith’s reply and Keith knows Irene catches this.

“If there’s still something on your mind then you should talk it out,” Irene speaks up. “I can see some reluctance. If you don’t want to break up then tell Lance. You guys might work out, especially knowing how stubborn you can be.”

“It’s not something that being stubborn can solve,” Keith replies, trying to be cautious in choosing the right words. “It’s not just my career but it’s also him. He has things happening right now, you know, like trying to find a career, a purpose for his life.”

There are no secrets between Irene and him but there are some things he can’t tell her because it’s not his secrets to tell. If they’re Keith and Irene’s problems then things are 100% transparent between them.

But luckily, Irene understands this. “Oh, it sounds like he has a lot going on. I feel bad for mocking his socks and sandals.”

Keith laughs but stops mid-way, realizing that he’s laughing _about_ Lance. He didn’t think he’d be able to joke about him in a long time but it _is_ Irene he’s talking to so he shouldn’t be surprised anymore.

“That isn’t going to change, Irene,” Keith states. “He’s still going to wear them but yeah, he’s dealing with a lot so I don’t want to push a relationship on him when he doesn’t want one, you know?”

“You’re surprisingly patient at a time like this.”

“I learned through many arguments.” Keith sighs, he leans back until his head hits the sofa and groans. “I miss it when things were easier.”

“You mean you miss it when you only had to deal with me?” Irene chuckles and Keith smiles.

“Yeah, you were and still are annoying but easy to bribe with food.”

She was easy to distract with candy and chips but things got harder when she stopped eating sweets and salty food because she started to gain weight—which shows how much distracting Keith had to do in order to live an easy life.

Irene nudges him in the ribs. “Well, that’s the weight we have to bear for growing up.”

“And to think I didn’t even ask for this responsibility,” Keith mumbles, shaking his head.

“I didn’t either but what can we do?”

The answer pops into Keith’s mind and he chuckles in defeat. Mom was right in asking Irene to look after him. He feels a lot better already. “We make the most of it—“Irene is grinning mischievously and Keith realizes he’s being led by her again—“You lured me into saying that, didn’t you?”

Irene gives him her winning smile. “You fall for it every time but don’t lie, you feel better right?”

“Thanks Irene.”

She throws her arms around him again and he softens at her touch. She whispers in his ears, hiding her face into shoulder, “I miss you.”

Keith hugs her back, smoothing her hair and whispers, “Really, I mean it. Thank you _so_ much and I love you.”

They didn’t hug a lot when they were younger because Keith doesn’t like hugs but over time, he learned to welcome hers because it’s how she loves him. She’s very affectionate and gives hugs often so he’s become immune to her touches.

She feels smaller in his arms and he forgets that Irene only looks big because of her bright and animated personality. She’s not loud but people are drawn to her because of how considerate she is, how easy it is to talk to her so he always knows where she is and when she’s coming—her presence is _that_ big.

Sometimes, he forgets Irene is human and humans have sides they don’t want people to see and sides they do want them to see. Irene isn’t an exception so she has things she doesn’t want to talk about but when she’s hugging him, she shows him the sides she’s usually hiding, her more vulnerable side, the side with all her bottled-up feelings.

“My goodness Keith, this isn’t a competition of who can be sappier,” Irene teases but she speaks in a tender tone, “But you don’t have to tell me, I know you do. I love you too.”

He only becomes sappy Keith with Irene because it’s Irene. It’s hard for him to understand, let alone explain but this is _the_ Keith that only Irene can see. Just like how there’s a specific Keith for Lance, Pidge, Shiro, Hunk, Allura and his other friends. Sometimes these sides eclipse and sometimes they’re completely different but ultimately, these sides are him, they’re Keith.

To Keith, Irene isn’t just an annoying church buddy or a childhood friend who knows him well enough to effortlessly annoy the heck out of him. To Keith, Irene’s his family, his soulmate, a vital part of him. They understand each other better than anyone else so it’s easier for them to talk. They can go from being five years old to twenty one in five seconds, they can talk about crappy cartoons to criticizing Britain’s naval blockage in world war I. Keith can share his secrets comfortably and Irene can put down her front to relax, even if it’s just for a split second. Despite this, they’re still Keith and Irene albeit a less polish version of themselves. They give each other the luxury of unwinding from their busy life, to be themselves and enjoy the simple things.

He’s being Keith and she’s being Irene and that’s all they ask of each other.

 

***

 

It’s been a while since Keith’s had time to sit and think. It’s been a long two months of him going out with his parents to visit new places, try new things. He loves the experience and will cherish the memories but he’s at his limit. He wants time for himself so he’s been getting up earlier to see the sunrise. He realizes that sunrises are beautiful and he likes seeing them every day.

Looking out at the buildings in the Bruges Square, he can’t believe Belgium is real. Every place that he’s been to so far has been beautiful but it’s something about the gothic style buildings in the square that gets Keith intrigued. If he wanted to see gothic style architecture back at home then he’d have to go to the museum.

But in the Bruges Square, it feels like a giant museum and it’s free and outdoors. If Keith had a Bruges Square at home with the flags and belfry then Keith would be outside all day.

Watching as the sun rise, he can’t believe Belgium’s the last stop in this Europe trip. He’s in Bruges for another day then he’s in Ghent to look at some castle because Uncle goes crazy for old buildings. There’s Antwerp and Brussels as well. Keith knows they’re going to end in Brussels because of the flower show and Mom needs to see the Flower Carpet for two days before she can bear to part with it.

Belgium has something for everyone in his family to love.

Keith smiles widely—and it’s not because of the colorful stoned buildings though they are remarkable but it’s mainly because he’s happy. And Keith’s happy that he’s happy. He’s been away from home for almost two months but he doesn’t feel homesick or any strong longing to go back. In fact, he wants to stay longer and travel more. The world is so big and it’s sad he can’t see everything. Before he left, he just moved into Mom’s apartment so he still needed time to settle in before he could really call it home.

Traveling with Mom and Uncle like this, reconnecting with Irene and Auntie after so long brings Keith back to his childhood—the time when Keith was the happiest. He realizes that these memories are home. In this home, he has less things to worry about, his Mom is with him, and he sees Irene often. People weren’t coming and going as they are right now.

So wherever Keith goes with his family, it will always be home.

And right now, home is nice because they’re exploring this beautiful city together.

Now that Keith has time to think, he realizes he’s a bit disappointed with Paris. Paris is gorgeous but just as there are good points about a city, there are not-so-good things about it as well. Parisians aren’t the most friendliest people to tourists, especially ones that don’t speak French. The city is a real eye-opener but it’s also super dirty and Keith has to make sure his wallet’s on him every hour. It’s still a city he would visit again but these complaints are used to describe cities in the Middle East and why people shouldn’t visit. So he doesn’t understand how Paris is so romanticized yet the Middle East is scorn for the same time. To be fair then Keith wants to visit the Middle East before coming back to Europe again.

“I’m surprised you’re not taking photos with your camera.”

Keith looks up to see Mom smiling at him. She walks over to sit beside him and he leans into her. Instinctively, she puts her arms around him.

Keith continues staring at the scenery before him and smiles to himself. “I already took a photo so now I’m trying to take everything in.”

The sun is still rising but this place is still crowd as ever.

“That’s a first.” Mom chuckles.

“I realize something while visiting the last Basilica,” Keith starts off. Western Europe has so many basilicas and Uncle is a fan of the architecture so they’ve been to many basilicas but the last one struck a chord in Keith. He closes his eyes, still remembering the last basilica they visited. “Some things you really have to see with your own eyes, the camera can only bring so much justice to the art here.”

The last basilica felt like the holiest place on Earth. Keith isn’t religious despite going to church so often but he’s been to enough religious sites to notice the sacred air. The basilica was magnificent but all of them are beautiful but this one in particular was well-cared for and very loved by its people. When he walked into a room, he could feel the heat from the countless vigil offerings. He could see and feel people’s dedication and pious hearts in that room alone.

The coppered artwork on the ceiling to the mosaics on the wall and the stone faces on the tall pillars—everything was meticulously crafted. The lighting wasn’t the best so the photos didn’t turn out too well but Keith thinks this was done on purpose. It forces him to appreciate all the engravings on the pillars, all the etches made in the art with his own eyes.

Keith couldn’t take pictures of the other rooms because of how intimate the statue of Mary looked while holding Jesus. Her expression brought him pain and he couldn’t bear to look at it for long. The emotions were overwhelming and Keith felt like he didn’t have the right to stare.

“And here you were, initially complaining about the trip,” Mom teases and they laugh. Keith did act like he was being forcefully dragged against his will to the airport but who would spend thousands of dollars to torture him like this?

“You know my complaints are always half-hearted,” Keith answers. At least when the complaints are to Mom then he never means them.

“So what’s your verdict about it now?”

“I’m over-using the word beautiful so I feel like it’s losing its meaning but this trip was life-changing,” Keith revels, with the many memories running through his mind. He doesn’t have a favourite place anymore because they’re all his favourite places. “I don’t want to go back.”

Mom chuckles. “I’m sure everyone feels the same.”

“We should go traveling more often,” Keith blurts out and almost wants to retract his statement because it sounds selfish. He doesn’t want to say anything that puts a burden on his parents. It’s hard for them to be parenting while abroad so he can’t be selfish, he has to watch what he says.

“I’ve thought about it,” Mom states. She’s always a few steps ahead of him.

“What did you come up with?”

“Instead of visiting for one month every year, I’m thinking of extending it to three to six months. You’re going to graduate soon and once you start working then you’re going to have less time to take care of yourself. I have to be there for you,” Mom says.

“Is that okay though? Six months is a long time.”

“I’m a writer and translator so I can work anywhere,” Mom remarks matter-of-factly.

“What about Uncle?”

“It’s fine, he’s going to be busy with work. It’s nothing new to him but he can always come with me.” She brushes the topic aside and Keith wants to give a standing ovulation for Uncle for putting up with Mom. He knows Mom loves Uncle a lot or else she wouldn’t have married him but sometimes Uncle goes through a lot as well. Mom does whatever she wants sometime and Keith gets reeled into her madness but he’s her son so it’s fine. He thinks all writers are a bit strange and she is no exception.

However, time apart can really tear a marriage apart but if Uncle is fine with it then their marriage should be a smooth sailing. Still, Keith worries because that’s how he is. “Keith, you’re the child, don’t worry about my marriage.”

“It’s hard not to worry, Mom. You can’t just leave your poor husband for half a year.”

“Or Keith, you could come live with us in Korea.”

Keith’s eyebrows are furrow, wanting to dodge this bullet. “Please change the topic.”

“So I have a new idea.” Mom laughs at his honest request but Keith has to be honest because he’s not prepared for this talk nor does he want to have it.

A new idea means a new project, a new book. Mom is a children literature writer and a storyteller so Keith grew up listening to her read her stories to him. Even though Keith can recall her stories better than he can recall his political science notes, he will always be fascinated by how she brings her stories to life. Every time he reads her books, he goes down memory lawn and he’s smiling from ear to ear.

Her stories are intimate pieces of his childhood. So whenever Keith hears of a new project, he’s always fervent to learn more about them, to take part in the magic because her stories are very dear to him.

“What’s it about?” Keith asks, his eyes glowing with excitement.

“This book is geared at an older age-range, 9 to 14 years old, not the usual kindergarten level,” Mom states. “I’ve been wanting to do it for two years now but the topic isn’t something I’m familiar with and I want to get it right so it’s taking a while.”

This is a first to Keith because Mom’s inspiration comes and goes then leaves. When inspiration decides to nest with her, she always has a small notebook handy to jot down fleeting thoughts and put her rough sketches on paper before they disappear from her mind. She’s absorbed and enchanted by her thoughts and Keith has never seen her struggle with manifesting her ideas. So to hear that inspiration is with her but she’s having trouble grasping it is something new to him.

Sure there are revisions but that’s after the ideas has been put on paper.

He’s never heard of her having problems translating her ideas to words and pictures.

“That’s a first…” Keith trails off. “What’s your story about?”

“Remember when you came out to me about your sexuality in high school?” Mom asks and Keith’s more confused now.

He remembers it clearly because he’s never been so nervous and scared before. His hands were clammy, he was nauseous and wanted to throw up. Irene had convinced him to come out to Mom because it was starting to affect his relationship with her. Keith felt like he was lying to her every time they talked so he stopped talking to her aside from the dumb small-talks. Mom was getting worried and talked to Irene’s Mom about it and asked Irene if Keith was getting bullied in school.

Irene lied and told Mom Keith wasn’t getting bullied, in fact, he was making friends with the people in the robotics club. But she went to Keith to talk it out because Mom was catching onto something. She also talked to him for his own sake because he was getting consumed by the guilt. He didn’t like hiding stuff and lying to her but he felt like he had to. If he was honest about his sexuality and she hated him for it then he wouldn’t know what to do. She’s a devoted Christian so there was the possibility of her hating him. So he avoided that talk with every fibre of his being.

_But he was wrong._

When he came out, Mom didn’t hate him but instead, she started crying. They weren’t tears of anger or frustration but tears of relief. She thought something bad was happening and was worried he was dealing with it alone. His sexuality is something important but luckily for him, he wasn’t alone—he had his friends and now, Mom was with him.

Of course, Mom had asked a lot of questions and went into Mom-mode.

_Was he gay? Or bisexual or something else that she doesn’t know the name for? What was the guy he liked like? Are they dating? Was he happy?_

“Yeah, I remember,” Keith says nonchalantly despite all the thoughts running through him.

“You said you knew in middle school but didn’t know how to accept it,” Mom continues and Keith nods. “After you told me that, I wanted to do something for you because I can tell it was a really hard time for you.”

“Oh my gosh, is your new story related to it?”

The dots are finally connecting and Keith can’t believe Mom’s doing this.

“Yes!” she answers excitedly. “I’ve been wanting to write a story about a queer kid in middle school. It’s about how a boy realizes he likes another boy and how he comes to terms with himself and his sexuality. It’s a little late now considering how old you are—”Mom chuckles—“But I want kids that are going through the same thing you were to feel safe and validated and loved. They shouldn’t be going through it alone, especially considering how young they are.”

She’s looking bothered and Keith realizes this is where Mom’s troubles lie. She doesn’t have any experience with this, especially with how conservative Korea still is so she doesn’t know how to approach the topic. It’s a sensitive one so she wants to portray the characters right, she wants to let children know that it’s okay to be anything other than heterosexual but she’s worried of giving out the wrong information, of passing along the wrong message, of hurting the kids who read her stories.

This story isn’t just another story for her but it’s a personal one.

_It’s for Keith._

It’s one of Mom’s many ways of validating Keith, of loving Keith.

“I don’t know what to say other than it’s a great idea,” Keith stumbles, baffled. He never expected her to do this for him. He was beyond happy that Mom was okay with his sexuality. He didn’t expect her to ponder over it for so long, to consider writing a book about it but he’s grateful that she did. He’s grateful that she’s his Mom.

“You think the idea is great now but wait until I start bugging you with questions about this book,” Mom warns him, laughing.

“Don’t worry, it’ll be great regardless,” Keith replies. He feels himself getting choked up because Mom really wants this to be a positive read for children. He’s going to be a part of something so great and it’s because Mom is giving him the opportunity. “You guys are out to make me cry.”

“Did Irene make you cry?”

Keith gives her a pointed look because Mom sounds a bit too happy for his liking. “No but I wish I did so I didn’t have to talk. She pried Lance out of my hands. I ended up telling her everything about him and when I say everything, I mean _everything_.”

Mom chuckles. “Irene’s ruthless but I chose the right person to be your friend.”

“Thank you Mom for doing all this for me—introducing me to Irene years ago, this trip right now and the upcoming book.”

Keith doesn’t know what he’d do without Mom. She does so much for him in the shadows so Keith can’t fathom what else she has planned for him. He just knows it’ll be something he’ll enjoy and this makes him appreciate her so much more.

He can’t wait for the day he starts giving back to her.

If that day isn’t fast approaching then he’s going to make it happen early because it’s what she deserves.

“Don’t thank me, I’m just doing what I can.”

 

***

 

Keith is trying hard to hold back his tears but it’s hard when he has to travel alone in the next hour. He was fine with how things are, how he’s alone in his apartment, how he talks to Mom through a screen, how most of the interactions with the people closest to him are online.

_He was okay with all of that._

But now that he’s been seeing and talking to everyone face-to-face, he doesn’t want to go back to how things were. He realizes how truly alone he is and he doesn’t like that feeling. Mom and Uncle are leaving for South Korea whereas Irene and Auntie are going back to London while he’s returning to an empty home.

The first one to hug him is Auntie because their flight leaves first. She’s Irene’s Mom but she’s a second Mom to Keith or technically, a third Mom because of Kyra. Whenever Mom released a book, she’d go on tour for a week or two. In the beginning, Keith would follow her but as he got older, he couldn’t skip school that often anymore so he stayed with Irene’s family.

Hugging her brings him back to when he was seven and she’d pick him up after school. There’d always be a warm embrace and he felt at home. He loves her hugs because they’re always so sincere and cozy, as if she was really happy to see him. After a while of staying with her, he starts anticipating her hugs and even hugs people more often—this gave Mom a big surprise because he used to never initiate them. It’s only towards Auntie that his hugs come naturally, without any hesitation or question. It’s how their relationship works.

“Have a safe trip, Keith,” Auntie says and Keith nods, feeling like a child as she gives him a good look-over. “You grew up while I wasn’t looking. You’ve become a handsome man.”

“Thank you Auntie, take care of your health, alright? Tell Eric I said hi,” Keith replies. Eric is Irene’s step-dad. He’s a costume designer and designs ballroom costumes, which is how he met Auntie. He’s a cool person and Keith loved watching him design the costumes from the rough sketches to pinning the fabrics. Though he’s not related to Irene but they’re alike in the sense that he stays holed up in his studio while she’s holed up in the lab. “I’ll visit you when you come back.”

During the trip, Keith made it his goal to visit Auntie and Eric more often when he’s back home. He’s never done it before and thinking back to it, he feels ashamed of himself. Auntie is the person who picked him up from school when Mom couldn’t and made him all those snacks. So knowing his negligence, it’s time for him to pay his respect for the many times they’ve looked after him and to visit them on Irene’s behalf.

Before he has time to think, Irene’s arms are already around him, giving him a tight squeeze. “You didn’t leave yet but I miss you already,” she whispers, her voice timid and close to cracking.

Keith’s frozen for a moment because Irene’s never been _this_ emotional. She talks a lot but she never talks about how she’s feeling. So for her to show her emotions is a rarity. Still, people are constantly changing so Keith shouldn’t be too surprised to discover new things about Irene.

Keith laughs. “Irene, that doesn’t make sense—” he pulls her in close though—“But I miss you too.’

“When we graduate, we’re going on a crazy trip together.”

“Even if we walk down the lake, we’re still going to find a way to make it crazy,” Keith teases and she chuckles knowingly.

Needless to say, there’s going to be a hug from Mom. They’ve always loved each other openly so this isn’t a surprise.

“No matter what happens, I’m here for you. Don’t forget that,” Mom coos and Keith nods, burying his face into her embrace.

For some reason, he doesn’t want her to go.

He tightens his fingers into a fist. He’s trying really hard to not cry right now. He wish he could tell her to visit more often but he can’t. “I know, I won’t forget.”

“Call me often,” Mom reminds him and he’s nodding furiously.

“I will,” Keith answers, “Send me updates on the book, I want to see it.”

‘I will,” Mom says. “Remember to eat your vegetables and shower often.”

“I will.” Keith chuckles at their little chorus.

When Keith sees Uncle, he’s about to extend his hand for a hand-shake but he’s surprised when Uncle’s arms around him. An even bigger surprise is that this is the first hug they’ve ever shared. Keith’s known Uncle for almost 15 years but they’ve barely had a decent conversation because Uncle is quiet and Keith isn’t good with words.

So a hug between them is something sacred and almost unheard of.

Usually, people initiate hugs with Keith because he doesn’t catch onto social cues fast enough. So with Uncle, they usually part with a pat on the back or with words like _‘get back safety.’_

So this embrace means a lot for Keith because it’s a step forward in their relationship. Keith isn’t sure if Uncle is heading towards the fatherhood stage but they’re going in a positive direction. For now, he’s still his Uncle but Keith feels closer to him because of how much they’ve talked on the trip. Keith learns a lot about Uncle and finds more similarities between them. The only thing Keith can do now is work at initiating more talks between them so he can learn more about him, so their bond can grow deeper.

“When we see each other, let’s go hiking,” Uncle remarks. Keith smiles because it’s a short phrase but it holds a lot of promises. Uncle says ‘when’ and not ‘if’ as if he’s so sure they’re going to meet and go hiking. There’s a lot of certainty in his sentence and Keith likes his confidence.

Hiking is one of Uncle’s favourite hobbies. For his 10th wedding anniversary with Mom next year, they’re planning on going on some hiking trip and have already contacted a tour guide. They went up a mountain in Switzerland and despite Keith’s heavy breathing from being out of shape, he enjoyed the journey up. He loved the summit and couldn’t stop taking photos of it.

Keith wants to climb more mountains now, he wants to see what the view at the top looked like.

“I’m looking forward to it,” Keith replies. They both don’t explicitly say it but it’s definitely a promise between them.

Keith is awake when the plane departs, staring aimlessly as Brussel disappears from his line of vision. He sees pink-tinted clouds and the beautiful sun. It’s truly a sight and he wonders if this is what Kyra and Liam saw every time they traveled.

 

***

 

It’s 10am when Keith hears a knock on his door. He isn’t surprise to see them but in the next 10 seconds Pidge, Hunk, Allura and Shiro are in his living room, all smiling. He’s been back for two days but he’s still getting used to the jetlag and he’s been stocking up on groceries and the necessities for his new home. It left him with no time to reach out and plan a meet-up. He knew sooner or later they would show up but they’re earlier than he expected.

“I’m surprise you’re awake,” Allura teases while Shiro’s looking through his kitchen.

“There’s food in the fridge, this is an improvement,” Shiro remarks. Keith’s glowing with arrogance because he’s been working on being more self-sufficient. Irene and him have list of priorities to keep with and they’ve been checking up on each other. One of Keith’s priority is to go grocery shopping and make sure he has fruits in the fridge.

Since he’s been with Mom for two months, Keith’s been up at almost 7am every morning. She believes he should be up when the sun’s up. Even though 7am isn’t when the sun rises, Mom took mercy on him and allowed him to wake up after the sun has made its ascend to the sky. So now, even 10am is incredibly late to Keith.

This new Keith will be a big surprise to them because they used to follow the _‘if it’s not noon then don’t wake Keith up’_ rule.

“I’ve been grocery shopping, I can’t microwave take-out and instant food all the time,” Keith remarks. Food also tastes a lot better when it’s freshly made—something he’s known for a while but it doesn’t mean he acted on it. Cooking is like chemistry with all the ingredients and it’s just as time consuming as his chemistry labs so he never got around to actually learning it. Then he got swept up in the rush of midterms and assignments so the time to learn how to cook never came.

“Oh wow, that’s a change,” Hunk exclaims, staring in awe at his kitchen supplies. “We even brought you desserts because we thought you weren’t eating.”

“I’m pretty sure you guys just wanted desserts,” Keith teases. “But thanks.” Keith gestures everyone to the dining table while he gets up to prepare the dishes. Mom’s dishware come from the same set so they’re all white with golden flower accents. They look like something a grandma would own but they’re still usable so Keith has no excuse to replace them other than for aesthetic reasons.

“So tell us about your trip!” Hunk muses, looking around his new apartment with a wrinkled face. Keith can tell he doesn’t like the clean white walls or how empty they are.

“You don’t want to go there,” Shiro warns as Keith passes around the plates and forks. Dessert today is a slice of cake and Keith is having a hard time choosing between the raspberry cheesecake or the fudge cake.

“I have the pictures printed!” Keith exclaims, putting the fudge cake on his plate. “I’ll show you guys!” He dashes back to his room to grab the photos and sees the souvenirs beside them in a big gift bag. He grins and brings their gifts outside too.

“So you don’t text us when you come back but you get your photos printed,” Allura taunts, looking through his photos. “Did you take this?”

“I was the photographer,” Keith admits pompously and likes the looks of amazement on their faces as they look at his photos. He wouldn’t say he’s a good photographer since the scenery itself was gorgeous so he didn’t have to do much work but he’s happy to receive their compliments. “I’ve been jetlag so I’ve been waiting for my body to adapt before I ask to hang-out. Plus the superstore is open for 24 hours so…”

“So you went and got your photos printed in the middle of the night, nice Keith.” Hunk chuckles.

“Can we open our gift?” Pidge asks, already shaking it to see what it is.

“Go ahead.”

“You seem different,” Hunk says out of the blue and Keith gives him a funny look.

“Different how?”

“I’m not sure what it is but you seem happier and more…put-together,” Hunk remarks, rubbing his chin. He rattles the blue nicely wrapped gift in his hand. “Lance is back home for his sister’s wedding so he won’t be able to see this until next month.”

“That’s fine. Thanks for playing messenger.” Keith put a lot thought into their gifts so he hopes Lance will like his.

“Don’t sweat it, I live with him.”

This is news to Keith and the revelation is evident on his face. Luckily Hunk was putting away Lance’s gift to notice. Keith is glad Lance is back in his hometown because he was really home sick in the beginning of the year. Christmas and New Years is an incredibly busy time at the bar so Lance didn’t get a chance to go home. And since he’s living with Hunk, Keith knows he won’t be lonely when he gets back. He’s in good hands.

“So do tell us about your trip,” Allura says and Keith’s beaming again because he has so many things to say and he doesn’t know where to start.

While gushing about his trip, he makes a mental note to email Lucas and ask about his upcoming project in Africa and the volunteer coordinator at the hospital so he can start volunteering soon. He’s not scared to start anything new now. He views all of these things with open arms because he knows he can handle it. And even if things get difficult then he has people who believes in him more than he believes in himself. So he can take on any challenges that life gives him.

This trip brought on a new start for him, opening his mind and widening his horizons. He feels refresh and invincible, ready to take on any challenges. His mind’s clear and he smiles at the twists and turns life can take him.

The trip was what he needed to recharge and now that he’s done resting, he has to use this time to get back on track and move forward in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So we're at the end! I adore this chapter because it has remnants of a new beginning and things coming to end all in one chapter. I'm not sure if this makes sense. **I absolutely adore Irene.** She was so much fun to draft up and I love writing her. I wanted to create a character for Keith because he seems aloof but he actually wants love and affections so I wanted to create a childhood friend who's always been there for him. She really makes Keith happy and anything that makes my children happy makes me happy!! I love her as an individual as well so she'll be appearing a lot more in the future. I can see so much growth in Keith's future and I'm getting excited to write that. 
> 
> it's sad to say that I haven't worked on the next chapter yet but I'll do my best to get it out by Mid-August. Keith's trip is coming to an end and he has to face his last year of school soon. I won't be focusing too much on the school year portion but there will be Keith, Lance, Keith and Lance and ofc, angst. So until then!!
> 
>  **I FORGOT TO ADD THIS BUT THE STORY THAT KEITH'S MOM IS TALKING ABOUT IS ACTUALLY A REAL THING!!** I was on tumblr and saw [this post](http://dontnuketheducks.tumblr.com/post/154742312119/my-mom-has-done-something-incredible) and loved it. I asked the OP for permission to include it in my fanfic and she agreed! [The book is published so please check it out :)](http://barbaradeebooks.com/star-crossed/)


	8. Family Effort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> some things happened and updating this story didn't go as planned :( I'm sorry for the late update as I went through some personal things in life around august so I ended up undergoing therapy to help me cope (I'm still going through treatment—it's still a weird process for me). Then school hit so things got...confusing and weird. So I thank you all for continuing to read this and for the support. I appreciate it and sadly can't make promises as to when the next chapter will be up, probably by the Mid-December if I'm lucky. Again, thank you and onwards to the next chapter<3

 

Lance notices Keith’s photos on Facebook are being taken by his mom but also by another person, Irene Choi. He doesn’t remember Keith mentioning an Irene in his life but he can tell they’re closer than close, especially with her photo caption: _‘Prom Queen meets Prom King in Paris, how romantic ♡’_ Keith and the girl beside him, Irene, are taking a selfie with their faces touching. Irene is naturally photogenic with her winning smile and Keith is smiling in the photo, totally relaxed and at eased. The green-eyed monster awakens and Lance is upset at himself for this ugly jealousy. Keith would never allow something with Lance be made public because he’s a private person—or at least, that’s what Lance thought but this photo with Irene says otherwise.

He wonders if Keith had already rebounded with Irene? But knowing Keith, it takes him a long time to warm up to people. He should still be nursing his heart, be on guard when it comes to the smallest hints of a relationship. So he can’t be in another one so much. If it’s not a relationship then they’re friends, really close friends but Lance has never heard of this Irene before. So who is she? How is she so close to Keith?

He gets a video call and it’s from Pidge—it’s the perfect person calling to save his sanity because she can dish out on Keith and his relationship with Irene.

 _“Guess who beat your high score!”_ She chirps and Lance has another reason to grimace. He’s been holding onto that title for weeks and Pidge wasn’t even close to touching it.

“Wait until I get back, I’ll take reign again,” Lance retorts arrogantly and Pidge huffs.

_“By then, I’d have beaten my high score again.”_

“So Pidge, who’s Irene?” He didn’t have a plan when it comes to asking about Irene so he dives straight into it.

Pidge’s eyes widen in bewilderment and she’s quiet before she asks, _“What happened?”_

She doesn’t mind talking about Irene because she is Pidge’s friend but she’s not sure why Lance is asking or if she should even be talking about Irene at all. She knows Irene’s been documenting her trip on Instagram and Facebook with Keith but she didn’t know Lance saw. If it’s his curiosity speaking then she can entertain the idea but if it’s because Lance is jealous then Pidge doesn’t know how to proceed. Explaining to Lance would be like indirectly admitting that there’s something going on between Irene and Keith and there definitely isn’t—but they’ve broken up so should she even be telling him this?

This is why she didn’t want them to break up—she gets caught up in these messy and friendship-compromising situations where she doesn’t know how to act.

“I saw her pictures with Keith on Facebook so I’m curious.”

Keith rarely updates his Facebook so most of the pictures of him are from his Mom. Now here comes Irene from who knows where with all this spam and cute captions so of course, Lance has to wonder who she is and why Keith allows this? Is she blackmailing him or something?

 _“They’ve known each other since they were like five so they’re super close,”_ Pidge begins. Now Lance is really surprised Keith never brought her up. They’ve dated for quite a while but he’s never brought up this childhood friend.

Pidge suddenly gasps and Lance looks at her questionably. “What?”

 _“Irene is basically an extroverted, female Keith.”_ Pidge exclaims, in awed at her realization. _“I never noticed but it’s true! Or Keith is an introverted, male Irene since Irene is older.”_

“How so?” Lance replies, not following Pidge’s train of thought because how can there be someone like Keith but extroverted? How can someone with Keith’s personality like going out, choose to willingly stay out and socialize? With the amount of times Lance tried bribing Keith out but failed, this idea of an extroverted Keith is impossible.

 _“Okay so how they act and their values are the same, which is probably because they grew up together and they’re both Korean but how they behave with other people is different,”_ Pidge remarks. _“I swear, Irene says hi to everyone in the hallway whereas Keith prefers to stay in the robotics club room or in our hallway with Shiro, Matt and I during lunch. But aside from that, she gives the same vibe as Keith—straightforward and sincere.”_

There’s hint of nostalgia when Pidge mentions them having their own hallway which is something so high school-like but Lance can’t imagine Keith being a high-schooler, something so young and naïve doesn’t match Keith when he’s so mature and level-headed. Especially since he knows Pidge, Shiro and him went to an academically prestigious high school so he’s always sounded like someone from another planet.

“Was she in the robotics club too?” Lance asks.

 _“No, she was an executive in the yearbook and prom committee,”_ Pidge replies and snorts. _“They’re still both nerdy though.”_

It’s ironic that there are more and more things Lance is learning about Keith _after_ their break-up. He only knows the Keith who is awkward with words, who doesn’t know how to comfort people, who has a horrible temper in the morning. But now Keith has a chatty best friend. Or maybe Keith is someone who’s talkative as well but Lance never knew that side of him. Maybe there are many things Lance never knew about Keith, more things than Lance thought.

Pidge continues fawning over Irene and Lance can hear the evident fascination and fondness in her voice, which is rare. Pidge is pretty critical of people so Irene must be a great person if Pidge is openly admiring her like this. This makes Irene seem unrealistic because how can someone like her exist and Keith willingly hangs around her and Pidge finds her charming? Pidge’s usually mocking the preppy freshmen for their naïve excitement for university and chides with a _give them a year and they’ll see._ And it’s not like Lance is saying Pidge would mock preppy Irene but he wouldn’t put it against her.

“Okay, another question…Prom King? Was Keith Prom King?” Lance asks because this is something Lance can’t comprehend or even imagine. The idea of Keith being Prom King is ridiculous. How did Keith get crowned? Who rigged the votes? Did Pidge do it?

Pidge bursts out laughing. _“Oh gosh, this is something Keith definitely doesn’t want to remember—”_ she stops to snicker before continuing— _“I have to start from the beginning. When Keith’s with Irene, they do dumb things. They started a food fight because of Irene’s embarrassing promposal.”_

“No way,” Lance stammers in disbelief. Keith being Prom King is one thing but Keith getting promposed to is an entirely different thing. Him being involved in a food fight? He would never do that. “Keith started a food-fight?” This is definitely not the Keith he knows.

_“Right? It’s so not Keith but he did! Irene kept teasing Keith that she’d prompose to him and he didn’t believe her and even taunted her.”_

“That was dumb of Keith.” Lance doesn’t know Irene but he knows it was a dumb move on his part. “If she was joking about promposing then she’s definitely promposed to him just because he egged her on.”

 _“Of course she did!”_ Pidge replies matter-of-factly. She’s doing her infamous eye-roll reserved especially for Keith. _“She asked him to prom by offering him cupcakes on the day of her prom committee bake sale. The cupcakes spelled out ‘Prom?’ along with a ‘Y’ or ‘N’ cupcake.”_

“That’s a cute promposal,” Lance remarks. He didn’t even go through the trouble of promposal. His school was rowdy but the school population wasn’t into this kind of publicity stunt. It was rather pretentious so he settled on simply asking his date to prom and they accepted.

 _“It was cute but Keith was mortified because she did it in a busy hallway so everyone was there.”_ Pidge takes a breath from laughing and Lance can imagine his face, red with mortification and embarrassment. _“He accepted her promposal but he took a cupcake and smashed it in her face for revenge. She got mad and threw one at him and yeah…a food fight broke out in the hallway and the prom committee raised a shit ton of money. The principal wasn’t too happy but they got off by cleaning up because there are perks to being good students.”_

“Wow…” is all Lance can mutter because Keith starting a food fight and getting a talk from the principal is gutsy. Even Lance wouldn’t dream of starting a food fight, though he was involved in quite a few.

 _“Best part is that because of the publicity of the food fight and Irene’s role in the prom and yearbook committee, Irene got voted for Prom Queen. And what a better Prom King than Keith?”_ Pidge chortles.

“You so voted for him.” Lance snorts, already seeing Pidge’s devious smirk.

 _“Of course I did. How could I miss seeing Keith in that stupid crown and having the honors of the first dance?”_ Pidge remarks in glee. _“Aww, I miss that night.”_  These are words spoken from a true friend.

Pidge smiles, remembering the first dance of the night which is reserved exclusively for the Prom King and Queen. Keith’s face was drained of color when he heard his name being called for Prom King. He didn’t want to go up on stage to accept the crown but one of their robotics club mate had to shove him off his seat.

Though she’s surprised Keith can actually dance. She expected him to have two left feet and stumble through it but he was actually great at dancing, at leading Irene. They could match each other’s steps so well that it seemed as if they’ve been doing it for years—which was true. Keith told Pidge afterwards that he used to take ballroom dance lessons with Irene and she was his partner for years _so of course, they work well together._ Pidge’s mind drew a blank because the idea of Keith ballroom dancing was hilarious since his sense of balance is questionable but he must be telling the truth if he’s _this_ good at dancing.

Lance’s jaws are dropping because he cannot believe any of this happened. How come there were no Facebook evidence of this? Prom King is a big deal but Keith probably untagged himself in all of the photos because it definitely was a memory he wanted to forget. But why he did keep quiet about Irene? Pidge doesn’t say it but Lance can tell Irene is an important person to Keith if he lets her rope him into this madness.

“How come…I never knew about this?” Lance curses himself so sounding hurt but he doesn’t know how not to sound hurt.

Keith sounds like a different person when he’s with Irene but maybe to Lance, Keith shows him a different side than he does with Irene. Maybe Lance only knew a small part of Keith, like the tip of an iceberg when the rest of him was submerged underwater where Lance couldn’t see. He didn’t know about toddler Keith who cries when he was forced to wash his hair either so he shouldn’t be sad to not know about high school Keith who loves robotics and lets his childhood friend exploit him.

Pidge can hear Lance thinking so she speaks up to clear some misunderstandings. _“Irene and Keith are similar because they’re both private people and prefer face-to-face communication. She ended up studying abroad whereas Keith stayed in the city so I’m going to assume they didn’t talk a lot while she was away. They just met up for the first time when Irene came to Paris, so maybe that’s why Keith didn’t mention it.”_ Pidge explains, hoping that this can clear up some of Lance’s doubt.

“She went away for three years and they barely talked?” Lance inquiries. Their friendship was a little worrying now. He can’t imagine not talking to Hunk if either of them went away for three years. Heck, he’s having trouble not talking to him every other day now that he’s here in their hometown while Hunk’s slaving away at his internship.

_“Hey, it sounds like something Keith would do too. Once they’re both engrossed in something, you don’t hear back from them,” Pidge remarks then stops, realizing she may be trekking on a touchy topic of their break-up. “And you know how Keith doesn’t like talking about himself so it’s not like he’s going to bring up a random Irene.”_

“How can he not bring up someone so important to him though?” Lance questions, still hung up on Irene. How could Keith leave out someone so important in his life? How can they just put a pause on their friendship for three years with minimal communication? Wouldn’t they miss each other?

Pidge winces at how upset Lance sounds. Irene is someone important to Keith but she hopes Lance knows that they’re _all_ important to him. Just because Keith didn’t tell Lance about Irene doesn’t mean Lance’s not important to Keith. And just because Keith and Irene don’t talk frequently, it doesn’t mean they aren’t close. The biggest problem is Pidge not knowing how to express this to Lance without seeming like she’s forcing this idea on Lance.

 _“You know Keith’s not going to say, ‘I received a letter from Irene. Oh by the way, Irene is…’ and start introducing her. He’s more likely going to say ‘I received mail from a friend,’”_ Pidge reasons, hoping Lance understands.

Lance rubs his chin, trying to make sense of Keith and his weird way of thinking. Lance knows he’s a private person and prefers talking face-to-face based on the numerous times Keith wouldn’t respond to his texts because he was busy but he can’t understand Keith’s train of thoughts. Though Pidge is helping Lance paint a better picture of him. He has heard Keith’s vague ‘a letter from a friend came’ or ‘my friend used to do this’ many times but now, Lance is wondering which of those friends were Irene.

It feels like after the break-up, Lance is really starting to look at Keith and see him better. He’s starting to realize that he doesn’t understand Keith’s thoughts as much as he thought he did. And the thoughts Lance did understand, he didn’t agree with them. This is a rude awakening to Lance.

Though he wonders if learning about Irene was a good or a bad thing. This new information helps him know more about his personal life but can Lance know all of this? Especially now that they’ve broken up?

It’s amazing how Irene sounds so different yet so similar to Keith. Their bond is so deep and Lance envies the rich history between them, a history that allows Irene to rope Keith into selfies and promposals. He wanted to have this kind of relationship with Keith where he gives into Lance like how he gives into Irene. He wants to do dumb, sappy things in public, he wants people to know they’re closer than closer, to acknowledge that Keith is a different person when he’s with Lance. Even though they’re only friends but her bond with Keith makes his relationship with Lance seem feeble. It can’t hold a candle to what Irene and Keith have and Lance wonders what their relationship meant to Keith?

 

***

 

His frustration is showing and unfortunately, Lance is taking it out on the piano. He doesn’t know why he’s comparing himself to Irene, why he’s jealous of someone he never met. He shouldn’t use his relationship with Keith as an indicator of his worth. No matter how much he wanted to mean something to Keith, wanted to become someone special to him, so special that Keith would possibly drop his career for him, Lance knows he isn’t anything of that worth. Lance closes his eyes, knowing fully well that he shouldn’t humor these thoughts because they’re dangerous and unhealthy and Lance shouldn’t base his worth on a relationship.

He shouldn’t but he is so he’s upset and irritated.

Lance flinches when he feels a pair hands on his shoulders. He was hoping to sulk and be depressing in the comforts of his home, alone but of course, that isn’t the case.

“How’s it going?” Celia asks softly, “This piece is sounding a bit too angry. I’m sure the composer didn’t intend for that.” She runs her thumb along his shoulders and he can hear the blithe tease in her voice.

He smiles, glad that Celia’s gentle. He’s so used to Azura piercing him with her stingy words that he forgets that softness does exist and that very softness is Celia.

“I’m just pissed…” Lance trails off, his voice getting smaller, “At myself.”

She starts rubbing circles on his shoulders to alleviate the tension. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“I’ll get over it.”

“Let’s talk about it,” Celia says, sounding more assertive but not as assertive as she would like. It’s like a cat trying to intimidate people with a menacing roar.

“It’ll go away if I keep playing,” Lance reassures her, hitting a more keys to prove his point.

“How about rearranging some parts?” Celia suggests, her right hand touches the keys to play a tune that’s similar to the one he was playing but the rhythm is slower and she added a shuffle.

“Play that part again.”

Celia smiles and obliges. Listening more attentively this time, he realizes that she loosened up the beginning of the song. The sound sounds entirely different with a few changes. It’s more calm, more fitting for a wedding recital.

“I like that,” Lance observes, replaying the tune in his mind. Then an idea comes to Lance. Grandma always said that Celia has a good ear for music so rearranging songs is easy for her. He should have thought of this before to ease his suffering. “Hey Lia, do you want to help your amazing big brother?”

“That’s quite a 180.” Celia laughs, giving him a confused look. “I want to say yes but…what are you planning?” Celia is the more caution one of his younger siblings, unlike Poppy who unconditionally agrees to everything Lance proposes and Damian who doesn’t care what he gets into as long as the hospital or police aren’t involved.

“Want to play the piano with me at Mir’s wedding?”

Celia’s the other one of the three of them that’s good with the piano. She’s also in charge of the music for the wedding so she knows what songs would fit in and how to play them to make them compliment the theme. If Celia is on board then it would take a big load off Lance’s shoulder.

“But it’s your wedding gift, Lance,” Celia reasons, sounding hesitant and considerate.

“We can rearrange the music to make it our own then play it together,” Lance urges. “I haven’t played the piano in years so I can’t rearrange two pieces and practice it to perfection by myself.”

This is the truth. He can play the piano but tell him to practice two songs in a month under stress then Lance is flustered and struggling. His wrists have been getting sore due to his long hours of practicing so he’s taking more breaks but he’s nervous of taking too many breaks, of messing up. Practicing makes up for the technicality but he can’t account for the creativity aspects. Lance wants to spice things up, to make it his own but he doesn’t have the experience to be wild and creative with only has a month left. If Celia helps him with the arrangements then he wouldn’t be worried about the piece sounding dull.

“Alright Lance,” Celia says with a grin, “I’ll help.”

Lance throw up his hands in joy and howls, “Thanks Lia, you’re the best!”

***

After dinner, Lance finds Miles, Mira’s fiancée, in one of the sun chairs outside their house. He’s staring idly out at the main streets with the cars passing by. Lance can see that he’s not deep in thought, his eyes are merely scanning the cars as if he wants to find something significant.

Miles’ family lives abroad so he lives by himself in the city. He’s independent so he initially had cold feet meeting their family. Being thrown into a loud, upbeat family likes theirs made him uncomfortable and this caused some rift in his relationship with Mira. Mira mistook his discomfort as dislike for their family and that is a big strike for her. Thankfully, they talked through the problem and things worked out or else the wedding wouldn’t be happening.

“What’s up?” Lance asks, taking a seat beside him. Miles flinches when his thoughts are interrupted but he slowly eases into a smile when he sees that it’s Lance.

“Just looking around,” Miles replies with a grin and gestures at the street. Lance follows his hand and tries to find something worth his attention but he can’t. “I’ll be living here soon so I should get used to it.”

Currently, Mira lives in the city with Azura because she studies there but when she graduates, which is in a year, she plans to move back here. The plan is for her to find a teaching position so she has a reason to stay here because _here_ is where she wants to be. Miles actually works in this town but he lives in the city and that’s where they’ll live after marriage. Truthfully, Miles doesn’t care where he lives so he lets Mira decide. It’s cute to know that he’ll go wherever Mira goes—which is incredibly sweet but Lance has to act grossed out as his role as the annoying, younger brother.

The thought of Mira graduating reminds Lance that in a year, he’ll also be graduating. They both go to the same school but since they’re in a different faculty and program, he never sees her. The thought of graduation together gives him comfort and he’s happy for her because she’s worked hard for this masters.

“It’s a town but don’t think that the days are slower,” Lance warns, staring at the road. It’s small but there’s still traffic, things can still get busy. “It’s probably too early but do you know where you want to live when you move here?”

Miles gives Lance a defeated and wearisome glance. “Please Lance, let me survive the wedding first.”

“We’re already helping you so much though,” Lance teases with a smirk. “I bet Mira has this housing stuff all planned out already.”

“You know her well,” Miles replies, chuckling. Mira can also be very organized and meticulous but she’s not stingy about it like Azura so he has no trouble letting her take control of everything. “Truth to told, she did ask me for my opinion but I don’t care where it is as long as she likes it.”

“Please spare me.” Lance retorts, giving him a punch on the shoulder but on the inside, he smiles because he’s so happy for them. Mira and Miles are both simple people so as long as they have a roof over their head and they have each other then anywhere would be the perfect home for them.

“You know what they say, happy wife, happy life.”

“True true.”

“Though I don’t think Seraphina is very fond of me,” Miles says, rubbing his chin and frowns in frustration. His face scrunches up in perplexity at the thought of the youngest McClain. Everyone can see that he’s trying to get along with the whole family and he has won over the hearts of Lance, Celia, Damian and even the hard prick, Azura but Poppy proves to be a difficult one.

Truthfully, the Poppy obstacle is common problem for anyone who’s dating one of the McClain siblings. Initially, there’s always going to be Poppy disliking them. It’s not like Poppy purposely gives them a hard time but it takes a while for her to warm up to people. She’s an absolute angel once she deems them worthy though. It’s probably because she’s the youngest so they naturally shower her with affection and attention. She doesn’t open up to strangers easily because why would she need to give them her time of the day when she already has all the love and care at home?

“For starters, you call her Seraphina,” Lance points out the first step in the problem. Poppy doesn’t dislike her first name, Seraphina. It is a beautiful name but it’s not her, as if it’s a really nice jacket but once she put it on then it doesn’t fit in the right places. She associates with her middle name, Poppy, more and even marks her artwork with a little poppy instead of a signature.

“I don’t think we’re close enough for Poppy yet,” Miles states and sighs out of defeat. Poppy is a tough cookie to crack because Seraphina sounds distant but they’re not at the stage where he can call her Poppy yet. So what does he call her?

“That is true...but don’t worry, she’s a little guarded but with time, she’ll come around. Maybe you should go with her to art shows or her recitals,” Lance suggests. That worked for in winning her hearts with his previous relationships. “Plus you got through Azu so Poppy’s easy.”

Miles groans, remembering Azura’s cold, hard front when they initially met. Though Azura’s like that to everyone so Miles knows not to take it personally. “Oh gosh, don’t remind me of Azura.”

They both look at each other and laugh. They aren’t married yet but Miles is slowly getting familiar with their family from scary Azura to wary Poppy. Lance is happy for Mira, happy for their wedding and happy to have Miles as a part of their growing family.

 

***

 

Today is Damian’s turn to hog Lance. Lance feels like he’s some toy at home because his younger siblings have realized that he’s going to leave soon so they’re all fighting for him. Poppy was grumbling this morning when Lance told her he promised to try out some of Damian’s baking today so he couldn’t go out with her but he promised to give her his tomorrow.

Damian’s been busy working on tea-flavored cakes because Mira loves tea and making tea-infused cake would be a perfect wedding gift for her. He’s been working on the recipe for a while but as Damian quotes: ‘why is it so hard to bring out the flavor of the tea without it overwhelming the sweetness of the cake?’ So they’ve been using experimenting with different proportions of types of water, tea leaves, hot or cold tea to gauge the flavours. Lance has to hand it to Damian because this is a great idea and it’s so Mira but he’s still as determined as ever during this tedious process. Damian won’t stop until he gets the cake right and that is something that will make him a great chef.

Lance sits at the kitchen island, watching Damian test the temperature of the fourth batch of cupcakes with a toothpick. He’s been going at it for four hours now but Lance isn’t bored at all—though he is getting sick of the cupcake but Damian’s passion is amazing and Lance is glad to be swept up in it.

“So is this how baking usually goes down? A bunch of trials and errors?” Lance asks, his eyes scanning the countertop scattered with baking ingredients like flours and eggs to the baking tools like whisks and measuring cups. It’s going to be hell to clean up this mess but it’ll be worse if Damian doesn’t come out with a victorious recipe.

“Yup,” Damian replies, his face in a bunch at the toothpick. This face means the cupcakes need more time. “Don’t get me wrong, following recipes are good and all but everyone has a personal preference so I’m always tweaking it to my preference.”

Lance nods, licking a bit of the batter off the spoon. “Your recipe books speak for themselves.” His personalizations have led to his colossal collection of recipe books on his bookshelf. If Lance borrowed one of them, Damian would notice within a day and hunt him down for it. They’re his prized possession and his lifeline.

“I’ll give it ten more minutes,” Damian announces and joins Lance at the kitchen island. “So what’s up? I haven’t had the chance to catch up even though we’re roommates—I almost lost you to Poppy today.”

Damian is frowning. Lance sometimes forgets that Damian is the second youngest in the family so he gets a fair share of coddling too. Though some of them—Azura and Celia—worry about him more than Poppy because she bites and he doesn’t. Dad would always reprimand them for sheltering him but they can’t help it. So Damian has his moments where he’s like a baby.

“Dami, are you serious? You’re working most of the time so how we catch up when I don’t even see you?”

Damian’s hair is growing pass his ears so the waves in his hair is painstakingly obvious. This shows how busy he’s been since Dad hasn’t been able to give him a trim. Lance’s hair is wavy like Damian’s but he’s always kept it short so the waves don’t show. He doesn’t have anything against wavy hair but they’re hard to manage and an absolute nightmare in the hot, humid weather—like right now.

“You’re always out and about when I’m home,” Damian whines.

Lance chuckles and gives in to Damian’s whine. He jumps off the island and leans over it so he’s touching Damian’s elbow as he stares at the mess in front of them. “Alright then let’s catch up. I hear you have a girlfriend?”

Damian blushes at the mention of her but states bitterly, “Ella’s on vacation so we haven’t talked much.”

“So what is she like?”

Damian’s expression brightens up immediately and Lance can tell he _really_ likes her. “She’s a musician She plays the guitar so she’ll play for me sometimes and it’s—”

“Actually, no need to continue, it’s written all over your face,” Lance jokes and Damian’s cheeks are dusted red. This red travels all the way to his ears and Lance can’t stop grinning at how cute Damian is.

Damian straightens up and his face darkens. “I know she doesn’t have the best rep in school. She’s very opinionated but she’s passionate about what she does and I find that so…admirable,” Damian defends her suddenly and Lance wonder what brought on his defense mode. His body is on earth but his mind is lost in his cloud of thoughts about Ella. He _really, really_ likes her.

“Well, she is a theater student,” Lance remarks as if being in theatre can explain her personality.

There’s silence and Damian’s eyebrows are scrunched together in confusion and it takes a while for Lance to realize his mistake. _He said something he shouldn’t have._

“Cee told you, didn’t she?” Damian wails and Lance doesn’t know how to do damage control.

Cee is Damian’s nickname for Celia. It started when they were younger because Damian couldn’t pronounce Celia so he called her Cee. Then because they’re twins, Celia called him Dee to match.

Lance clears his throat because he slipped up. Damian isn’t self-conscious but he really cares about what their family thinks, especially Celia. It could be a good thing to be so mindful of his family but it can also be a bad thing because he needs to have more confidence in his own decisions.

“Dami, if you like her then it doesn’t matter what people thinks.”

“But Cee doesn’t like her,” Damian cries defensively.

This is Damian’s way of saying _Celia’s opinion matters._

This is a surprise to Lance because they’re _his_ siblings so Lance knows how they are. Celia wouldn’t never tell Damian she doesn’t like Ella to his face nor would she make it obvious because again, he’s one of the youngest and they’re family so his feelings get easily hurt.

“Are you sure Lia doesn’t like her?”

“Lance, we’re twins,” Damian says it so sensibly, as if it’s something obvious. Lance sighs and rolls his eyes. They are going to have a hard time coping when they’re separated this year with Damian studying in the city and Celia being here on her year off.

“Well, if you know then you should work on making them get along,” Lance replies.

Damian looks down at the island and pouts. “I’m not good at things like that.”

Lance chuckles and teases. “What? You’re not good at talking to your twin and girlfriend or with people in general?”

Damian’s lucky because although he’s reserved, he has Celia who understands him and his silence. So she speaks up for him when he doesn’t want to talk. It was a problem when they were in kindergarten because Damian would not talk in class and told his teacher that he didn’t have to talk because he has Celia. This drove Mom crazy and Lance isn’t sure if they ever grew out of that phase.

“You know I’m not good when it comes to opposition!” Damian protests, “But in an ideal world, I would like for my family and girlfriend to get along…”

Lance elbows Damian because he’s getting too mopey. He’s fine with opposition when they’re not from his family or people he looks up to. In this case, it’s harder because he’s dealing with Celia’s opposition. Damian doesn’t want to offend either Celia or Ella; he wants them to get along, which is easier said than done.

The cupcakes are almost done and Lance doesn’t want Damian’s mood to affect the tasting so he tries to salvage his mood. “Lia’s easy to persuade but she’ll give in if you work at it.” _And this is true._ Celia listens well and she won’t be prejudice about it so Damian just has to _try_ and Celia will give in.

“I can convince Cee to talk with Ella but she doesn’t like Ella and I can’t get Ella to change how she is…I don’t know how it’ll work out.”

“Just letting you know, I trust you but I also trust Celia so…” he’s trying to be subtle about the topic because he doesn’t want to judge Ella but he trusts Celia’s opinion so he has some doubts about this Ella.

Lance sees Damian glowering and Lance wonders if he was always this whiny and high maintenance. “C’mon, you know how Lia is. She’s the most considerate person I know, and Dami, I know a lot of people. If she doesn’t like Ella then I’m on high alert…not that Lia doesn’t like her.”

Lance mentally curses himself because he’s not making the situation any better. Damian is still scowling. He’s always been quiet and keeps his emotions inside but with them, he allows himself to sulk and pout, especially when they don’t agree with him.

“Dami, don’t be like that. Ella is probably a nice girl but Lia just needs time to warm up to her,” Lance comforts, rubbing the back of his neck. He doesn’t know how to alleviate this situation because Daman is adamant on getting Celia to like Ella but Celia has three strikes against Ella already.

_Three strikes is a lot._

Lance wonders how they got together in the first place with their different personalities but Lance knows from experience that feelings are weird and can make the impossible possible.

The frown is still present on Damian’s face. “What if Cee doesn’t come to my wedding?”

Lance rolls his eyes. He’s quiet but dramatic—an odd combination. “Are you that far ahead in your relationship?!” He exclaims bewilderedly.

“No, but if Cee doesn’t like Ella then she might not come.”

Lance sighs, knowing that he has to calm down an overreacting Damian. “You know she’d come, even if she isn’t fond of Ella. If she doesn’t want to come then I’ll force her to.” Damian is still giving him the pouty, puppy-eyes so Lance has to say something else. “Okay, if I’m home when you bring Ella over then I’ll try to help out.”

“Alright, thanks Lancey!” There’s a smile from Damian now and Lance grins at the nickname.

“So aside from girl problems, I hear you also have problems with your career.” Damian looks at Lance curiously so Lance elaborates, “Are you into pastry now?”

Damian stares at Lance before shrugging. “I don’t know. I like cooking but baking is also really fun. Pastry has a more visual component to it and requires more delicacy so it’s really fun to decorate the pastries.”

Lance stares at Damian glowing about pastries. He can see that he also really likes it. Maybe there’s another artist in the family.

“I really wish I could do both though,” Damian muses. Damian loves cooking but baking is so fascinating, he can’t stop once he starts. It’s a newfound love and he’s torn between these two.

“You can do both in the future but right now, you can’t follow two chefs,” Lance tells him and Damian nods, grimacing again. “Watch yourself Damian, you’re getting wrinkles,” Lance warns and points to his own forehead.

Some things about the twins haven’t changed—they’re still really similar and Lance takes delight in this. The twins are both troubled by their careers—Celia’s confused on a broader scale whereas Damian’s confusion is more focused. Celia doesn’t know what to do and Damian has trouble deciding on what to do.

“Maybe I can get Cee into pastries so we can have both cooking and baking,” Damian says contemplatively.

Lance frowns, not liking the idea because as much as the twins want to be together, they should be their own people and do their own things before they’re twins. Damian shouldn’t rope Celia in his endeavors to keep both her and baking in his life. Regardless of where she goes, she’s still going to be his sister—even if they’re physically apart.

“Dami…”

“I know,” Damian replies curtly. “I’m joking.”

Lance arches a brow in question and Damian squirms under his watchful eyes. “Are you sure about that?”

“Of course I want Cee to find something she likes but if she likes cooking or baking then it’ll be great because we can support each other…” Damian trails off with furrowed eyebrows, “But I wonder if I want her to do cooking or baking just so she can stay with me. It’s how things have always been though. Is this a sister complex?”

It makes sense for Damian to have this mindset because he doesn’t know a world where she doesn’t exist. She’s always been there for him so moving forward in his life without her beside him is scary and strange. Lance wonders how Damian will manage in the fall when he has to go to college since he’s going to be living with Azura. It works out for Azura because she and Mira lives together but now that Mira’s getting married, she’s moving out. Even though he’s going to be with Azura, she’s not Celia so things are definitely going to be different and Damian has to get used to the idea.

“Maybe you’re scared of growing up,” Lance comments. Keith is scared of change and Lance had to comfort him that change is inevitable, it’s life. Life forces them to make compromises, even if they don’t want to. No one can escape change. So he understands Damian’s underlying fear well.

“Maybe…I mean, it’s a big step. Graduating from high school and moving out…” Damian trails off. It’s a big step for all of them when they leave town. Suddenly going to a place where stores stay open until 9pm is a mind-blowing thought. The city is so alive and vibrant and very different from the town life. The change can be overwhelming for people like Damian who prefers a humble and peaceful life but to Lance, he loves the energy.

“Remember that things are going to change but I’m still going to be your brother no matter what. The same goes for the rest of us,” Lance reminds Damian but he’s shaking his head, still disagreeing.

“You’re always going to be my brother but we all can’t stay together. This town can’t contain all of us,” Damian states coldly. Lance is a bit surprised at how pessimistic and stubborn Damian is. Though Damian should know that for him to be a chef then experience and exposure is vital so he has to travel to see the world. Lance thinks Damian doesn’t want to go but it’ll be good for him. “I don’t know about Poppy or Cee but Azura and you are in love with the city. You guys never come home. How many of us are not going to come home?” Damian asks, dejected.

When Lance moved out, he couldn’t wait to set foot in the city and start living there. Maybe it was the idea of no parental supervision, of having this unconditional freedom so he didn’t see the importance of home. He thought his parents would be missing him first because they’re his parents but it turns out that he was the one who terribly missed them and his siblings. He never knew he could be homesick but there he was, three weeks into school and crying to his Mom.

“I promise to come home more often,” Lance says and this is the best he can do. He loves the city too much, so much that he can’t imagine living back here. Damian’s nodding at him, finally in agreement.

Damian’s face freezes and then a wave of panic washes over. “The cupcakes!” He exclaims and Lance sighs, shaking his head as he tries to help Damian save them. He chuckles when Damian breathes a sigh of relief because his cupcakes are alive and not burnt.

“Good job little bro,” Lance gloats, patting his head.

Damian chants in excitement, “Let’s try them now!”

 

***

 

The next morning, Damian is in the kitchen. Lance isn’t surprised to see him up so early since Damian has to _be_ at the restaurant at 6am to prepare and set up. Lance thinks it’s insane but Damian isn’t complaining about it so Lance can’t say anything about his crazy schedule.

“You’re up early,” Lance notes, stretching his arms out.

“I’m going volunteering with you and Cee at the senior’s home,” Damian answers, nonchalantly. He’s making them all breakfast and Lance wonders the occasion is. Like Azura, Damian isn’t good with words. Lance isn’t sure if he’s coming because he thinks Celia is mad about him not telling her about Ella and he’s trying to apologize or he’s coming to bond with them.

“Just letting you know, I’m not giving up my pancake duty,” Lance points out.

“Your pancakes are too sugary, it’s bad for the seniors,” Damian argues and Lance rolls his eyes.

Lance didn’t realize his pancake are too sugary, especially because Keith likes his pancakes to be sickeningly sweet.

 

***

 

“Lia, I have an important mission for you,” Lance teases, perching his elbow on top of the piano.

“What ever could be more important than playing the piano with you?” Celia singsongs, staring at him from the piano bench. Lance smiles and ruffles her hair lovingly.

“At your 6 o’clock mark, you’ll see two McClains stressing out.”

“I bet it’s Azu and Dee,” Celia replies without looking up to see who it is.

“Ding ding ding, you’re correct!”

They laugh, knowing them far too well. Lance sees Damian freaking out over the table layout with the dessert stands and plates and Azura’s flipping through the papers on her clipboard. After spending hours with Damian trying out at least seven different cupcake recipes, they found the perfect combination for Mira’s wedding. The restaurant probably trusts him more so they’re letting him get more involved in the table designs which he takes very seriously. Mira doesn’t have a wedding planner but Azura become the unofficial wedding planner with how she’s basically the go-to person for wedding affairs aside from Mira and Miles. It’s like Azura can’t sit still if she’s not overlooking every single, miniscule aspect of the wedding.

“I take Azura and you take Damian?” Lance comments because someone needs to calm down the perfectionists in their family and Celia is almost always assigned to Damian.

Celia gives him a questionable look. Lance isn’t transparent with his feelings but his family does a very good job reading it. This fact should make him uneasy but ironically, it comforts him.

“Do you think Dee and I are fighting?” Celia asks and Lance stares at her because if they are fighting, how does she not know?

“Probably not based on what you said but Dami is worried that you’re mad at him.”

There’s another eye roll from her and she grumbles in a small voice, “Just because I don’t like Ella.”

“Hey, you know how much he values your opinion,” Lance reminds her. “And it’s because he thinks you’re mad at him for not telling you about Ella.” It’s been a week since the cupcake baking sessions and Damian is _still_ worried of Celia not coming to his wedding. Lance did say he’d help Damian so he’s doing his part now.

“Okay, I’m a bit mad about that,” Celia states, narrowing her eyes. Lance’s eyes are big in surprise because Damian is right, _she is mad at him_ but she didn’t know it. Twins are scarier than he thought.

“Then you should go talk with him because you know how he is,” Lance says, smiling. She sighs knowingly and they fist-bump before they make their way over to their respective stressed McClain.

 

***

 

Lance’s mind runs through a plan on how to approach Azura on the venue stage because her aura is absolutely menacing. Her focused expression and closed-off posture says _‘don’t talk to me unless it’s important and it better damn well be important to interrupt me.’_ Lance doesn’t have a death wish but he can’t let Azura burn herself out like this, especially with a week before the wedding.

Azura looks up when Lance casts a shadow on her paper. She gives him a pointed look which translates to _what do you want_  because words are too time-consuming for her right now.

“You need an intervention,” Lance declares and Azura gives him an eye-roll which would hurt normal people but he’s been Azura Beatrice McClain’s younger brother for 22 years now, he's put up with her intimidations and warnings for 22 years so he's pretty much immune to them. 

When Lance doesn’t answer or move, Azura sighs. She knows Lance isn’t going to budge and if silent coercion doesn’t work then she has to painstakingly and politely reason with him to leave. “Okay, what do I have to do to get you to let me continue my work?” Azura chides and elbows him.

“Take a break,” Lance replies innocently. “I have a KitKat. It’s sake flavored.”

Lance has a habit of storing snacks in his pockets when he’s hungry or he’s bored and has nothing to do or he wants to share them with people. It’s nice to have during a nerve-wracking time like this so he offers them to whoever crosses his path—though Mira has rejected all of his attempts because she needs to fit into her dress which is fair but Lance is determined to give her a sake KitKat before he leaves.

Azura snorts and gives him a look-over, probably wondering why and how they’re related. “I’m not going to ask why you have a KitKat but—” She reaches out her hand expectedly for the KitKat and Lance arches his eyebrow.

“You can have it if you take a 15 minute break.”

“Make it 10.”

“No, 15 minute. The sake flavor is rare.”

“Fine,” Azura gives in and Lance drops the KitKat in her hand. Lance knows she wasn’t going to resist because while she’s not a fan of sweets, she is a fan of alcohol. She puts up an act of being unhappy while unwrapping the KitKat and Lance rolls her eyes. “Oh my gosh, this actually tastes like sake.” She announces, alarmed and amazed.

“I know, right? Especially the aftertaste.” Lance munches on his own KitKat and tastes the full, heated sake flavor.

“So what’s up? Did you come to just give me a KitKat?” Azura asks, her suspicious nature coming in to ruin the moment.

“I wanted you to take a break, Azu,” Lance replies, chuckling.

“Well, it’s working, good job,” Azura cajoles sarcastically, smirking.

“You are so condescending, I wonder why I’m nice to you,” Lance retorts, glaring at his arse of a sister.

“Mom’s wondering why you’re not hanging out with your hooligans—” this is what Azura calls Lance’s high school friends. “She’s been seeing you at home often.”

It’s not like Lance to stay inside so much, especially if they compare him to his high school days. Back then, he would be out and about every weekend with his friends, drinking and doing crazy things—they were young so they got away with a lot of them.

Since he came back, there has been outings with his high school mates—a lot of them actually. The last outing was a week ago on his birthday. After a birthday lunch with his family at their favourite diner, he went to the bar where one of his friends, Levi, performed with his band. Levi used to sing ‘Wonderwall’ during high school in their hallway with his guitar all the time and they would sing along. When he started performing at bars, they would be in the crowd and request ‘Wonderwall’ _every time._

Now he hates the song with every nerve in his body but he never refuses a request. Lance chuckles, remembering the night of his birthday. Levi’s face darkened when Lance requested _‘Wonderwall’_ but he sang it anyways and gave him a birthday shout-out so it was a nice, relaxing evening with some alcohol but nothing was too crazy.

One of his friends gave him the two bags of sake flavored KitKat as a gift. Lance wonders if it’s because they’re past the age of getting wasted so they have to settle for alcohol-infused chocolates.

However, the more Lance spends time with them, the sooner he realizes he’s only close with some of them because they saw each other every day. He can imagine staying friends with a particular few but he can barely hold a conversation with the rest of them without reminiscing about the past. The past isn’t where Lance wants to look though, he doesn’t want to get drunk on it. He wants to look ahead but not too far ahead, just enough so he can walk upright.

Hearing them talk makes Lance realize that maybe their bond is gone. Sure, meeting up once in a while to catch up is fine but that’s it. There’s no personal growth for him when he’s with some of them and that’s fine too. They can still catch up once in a while. He’s just surprise at how cool he is with this realization. For some reason, he thought he would be sad to acknowledge that some things have changed since high school but maybe he’s mature now and knows that it’s a part of growing up. Growing up can mean growing apart.

Lance realizes he didn’t reply and admits honestly, “They’re cool people but I don’t feel that connection with some of them anymore.”

“That happens often and it’s okay. You can’t connect with everyone you meet but at least you get to meet people who really leave a mark,” Azura acknowledges tenderly. Maybe this is why Azura is so clear-cut about her relationships. She knows that not everyone will be staying in her life so she wastes no time in weeding people out. “Do you like your present this year?”

She’s staring at him and Lance can see her eyes expectant and glowing. Azura is either all or nothing so she probably put a lot of thought into her present. So Lance has to choose his words carefully.

“I can’t say if a book about recovering my creativity will help,” Lance begins, He’s not in the arts so he doesn’t rely on creativity to get the job done. Though, Lance is very touched at her gift because of the personal sentimental value to it. “But I like it, thanks.”

“It helps me clear my mind whenever I feel…stuck,” Azura confesses. “So I hope it helps you when you’re in a slump.”

“I’ll be sure to turn it when I need it,” Lance assures her. She’s actually really good at comforting him but just bad at verbalizing it. He knows she purposely buys garlic knots for him from the bakery whenever she comes home. She doesn’t say anything and just leaves them on the dining table for him. She loves him quietly and lucky for her, Lance can feel her love.

 

***

 

The low-hums of the guests talking in the church mall makes Lance nervous as he’s trying hard to drown out the white noise to focus on the piano in front of him. His fingers glaze over the cold keys, trying to remember how to play the processional pieces. This is a different piano from the one at home and Lance isn’t used to this one but he hopes the sound isn’t too different.

He takes a deep breath then he takes another one and is about to take another when Celia jabs him with her elbow.

“Lance, you’re going to hyperventilate,” she whispers, stretching her fingers in preparation.

“I’m nervous,” Lance cries. _What if he messes up? What if he messes up? What if he messes up?_

“You’re going to do great,” Celia says then she nudges him excitedly, “Lance, It’s time. You can do it!”

Lance exhales a final breath and he doesn’t hear the murmurs anymore. It’s quiet in the hall and everyone’s waiting for him to start the ceremony. His mind is resolute because no one practiced as hard as he did for this moment. So he’ll let his efforts do the talking and wow the crowd. He’s going to play the processional songs and he’s going to give Mira’s wedding ceremony a beautiful start.

 

***

 

Hunk finds Lance quickly in the crowd—which isn’t hard since Hunk has to find a cluster of people and Lance will surely be in the center of it. They catch each other’s eyes and Lance dashes over.

“Hey sorry for leaving you alone,” Lance apologizes, loosening his tie a bit but not too much. He knew weddings can get hectic but with this many people here, chaos is a total understatement.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. The wedding’s amazing though,” Hunk admires, looking around the banquet. “Everything’s so personal and simple, it’s so _‘Mira.’_ ” From the subtle dusty blue tablecloth to the clouds of blue and white hydrangeas adorning the pillar. Everything is dreamy and vintage, as if it were hand-picked by Mira herself.

“Azu is good at what she does,” Lance says proudly as if he was the one to design the venue.

“It must have cost a fortune.”

“That’s what you would think but Azura got some discounts like flowers and catering through her company since they’re responsible for this hotel’s interior design,” Lance replies. “I would know, I’m in charge of the wedding finance.”

“Damn, you were? This wedding really is a family effort,” Hunk remarks in surprise. Lance is really modest about his part in this wedding. He told Hunk he was just playing the processional and recessional pieces on the piano as if it was a simple task but Hunk knows the unspoken hours of practice Lance put in to perfect the piece. He hasn’t touched a piano in years so this made his job even harder but it also made his gift all the more special. Now Lance tells him he took hold of the accounting? Hunk is speechless because Lance really needs to praise himself more but since Hunk’s here, he’ll do it for him. “Lance, that’s a huge responsibility! You did a good job.”

“Of course, it’s Mir’s wedding.” Lance says smugly and Hunk lets him have this moment to shine.

“By the way, you were great on the piano. I didn’t know you were secretly practicing it.”

“Thanks,” Lance comments, giving Hunk a little shove to stop him from throwing all these uncalled for compliments at Lance to forcibly accept. Uncharacteristically, he is getting flustered with the flattery. “Though I wasn’t secretly practicing it.”

“It’s a secret if I didn’t know,” Hunk states factually, offended that Lance kept this from him and didn’t think of it as a secret.

“Sorry buddy, didn’t mean to hide it. Playing the piano just happened naturally,” Lance answers humbly and shrugs. This shrug meant that Lance really likes the piano but he doesn’t want to make a big deal of it. Truthfully, after Poppy made him play the first night, he found himself playing it almost every night as if it was a routine. If Poppy didn’t love him then she would have put up a fight for the piano but she does and lets Lance stay marry to it for the two months that he’s here. If he skipped a day of piano then he’d make up for it the next morning. Somehow, the piano something very important to him.

“I’m glad you’re playing again. I remember you used to play at school assembles and you were really good,” Hunk remarks haughtily, as if the cheers were for him and not his best friend.

Lance is glowing when Hunk claps his back. He’s glad to play the piano but he’s more glad that people actually enjoy his playing. Obviously, he’s relieved from piano duty tonight but strangely, he misses it. There’s this ache within him, a twitch in his fingers and an urgent need to feel the familiar keys again.

 

***

 

It’s time for the reception but before things can kick off, Mira and Miles go from table to table with a small basket of wedding favors. It’s a wedding custom in their culture for the bride and groom to thank everyone for celebrating this wonderful moment with them. Since it’s Mira and Miles, they are personal with their gifts which range from cigars, aroma bags, coffee beans, and hand-made sweets like capuchinos and turron de manis. They put a lot of effort into their wedding, personalizing it to really make it their own.

When they’re at Lance’s table, he stands up to give Miles a high five. “You’ve survived the ceremony!” Lance gushes and Miles sighs but all Lance sees is jubilation with no sign of fatigue.

“I still have this reception to get through.”

“You’re enjoying yourself though.”

“I am.” Miles smiles, his expression matching the flickering elation in his eyes.

Lance hopes Mile knows the reception will last for at least another six hours. And if he doesn’t know then Lance won’t burst his bubble. The guy had a difficult time adapting to their animated family dinner so this reception is going to drain the absolute life out of him.

“Good job on the piano by the way.” Miles pats Lance’s shoulder and Lance smiles at the earnesty in his eyes.

“Anything for you and Mir.” Lance shrugs but Miles is not having it.

“No, you were good. Don’t brush my compliment off,” Miles instructs and Lance chuckles helplessly at his endless kindness.

“Alright, I’ll take your compliment. Thank you.”

Lance turns to Hunk who’s in deep conversation with Mira.

“Thank you for coming today, Hunk.” Mira says while handing him the capuchinos.

“How could I miss your wedding?” Hunk says in disbelief, a bit sad that Mira would ever think that.

“Really, thank you,” Mira repeats and this time, hugs him. Hunk flushes a little at the gesture and Lance grins. Hunk is basically an extension of their family since they went to the same high school. They’ve been to each other’s houses plenty of time and Hunk’s four brothers certainly treated Lance like family; they didn’t hesitate to challenge him to a wrestling match and Lance accepted before Hunk could warn him and Lance ended up being squished to a pulp.

Mira then turns to Lance and pulls him into a tight hug. He smells her flowery perfume and wraps his arms around her. Mira’s the best hugger in the family. Her hugs always make Lance feel safe, protected and loved. It’s so warm and a part of that warmth is from Mira’s endless support and confidence in him. If Lance hesitates then Mira’s yelling encouragements for him to keep going, if Lance aches then Mira will stand over him to stroke his head, hug him all the while protecting him from the pains of the world. If Mira could, she would be the omnipotent shield that protects them all. “Lance, you and Cece were amazing today. I knew you could do it.”

Lance softens up, his vision getting misty. Suddenly he’s feeling the heavy weight of reality on his shoulders: Mira is getting married, she’s entering a new stage in her life with a man she loves so dearly and this happiness rings him to tears. “Mir, You look fucking beautiful today, like a princess.”

She has a wedding dress fit for a princess with the elegant mantilla resting on her head, the simple lace top and the diamante belt. If she does a twirl then everyone in the room will be bedazzled by her charm and grace.

Lance takes a good look around the banquet ball, at the white and sky blue curtains on the stage, the pastel colored cupcakes on the dessert table, the little Poppy signature at the bottom of the menu. The music’s perfect and soothing and people are having a great time smiling and laughing. So much love was poured into this celebration and Lance is glad to see love radiating everywhere he looks.

“What would I do without you, Lance?” Mira questions rhetorically, holding his hands tightly.

“C’mon Mir,” Lance croaks, giving her hands a gentle squeeze. “Don’t make me cry.”

“You’re making me cry though,” Mira banters and they both laugh with glistening eyes. “This wedding wouldn’t be the same without you guys.”

 

***

 

The river is endless as Lance gazes at it from above the stone bridge. It stretches on until it meets the distant horizon with the trees decorating the shoreline. Lance laments over his beautiful, green town. The scenery is preserved so well, there’s this old, musty smell of history in the air. The bridge he’s on top of is a heritage site and Lance sometimes feels like he can see the ghost of the tannery to the left of the bridge.

His town really is breathtaking and he has three weeks left to enjoy its beauty. Three weeks left to make memories with his dear family. Mira’s on her honeymoon now but there’s plenty of time to catch up when she’s back in the city and of course, there’s still the rest of his family. On one hand, he loves being with them but on the other, he profoundly misses his other home. He can’t wait to talk to his friends and coworkers face-to-face, to finally get back into the groove of things at the bar and the bustling city life.

There should be this strange sense of regret, of not wanting to leave home but he doesn’t have it. There’s always this impeccable yearning to leave this town and enter the comforts of the crowd city. He admits that he needed this family time and he got all of that within the last month and a half with Mira’s wedding preparation, practicing the piano, and the family meals—even meeting his old friends was a nice splash. Now that he’s got his dose of family, he’s ready to go back to the busyness, the kind where he’s up at late hours talking to customers about the strangest things from awkward family holiday dinners to the perplexing transition from friends with benefit to romantic partners. Strangely, Lance needs people-people interactions and wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Though it doesn’t mean he’s not free here, in the town he loves so much, but he misses the charming city.

Staring at the trees, he’s reminded of the conversations with the seniors today while volunteering. Today’s activity was a walk in the vast garden with the horticultural therapist, Jan. The seniors are ambiguous and want to plant a banana tree. Lance advised that the banana tree might not grow because they’re usually grown in the tropical climate and this town is far from the tropics. However, the seniors and Jan were so confident and optimistic in growing the tree that Lance ended up helping them sow the seeds.

It was cute because they declared that if the banana tree doesn’t grow this year then they can try again next year and the next until they succeed.

_Next year._

Lance smiles at the memory. Horticultural therapy is amazing because it’s so calming and nurturing. It gives the seniors something to look forward to, it gives them hope for a _next year_ and this hope is something so precious and beautiful.

The seniors also made Lance promise to come back next year to see the banana tree. So Lance has to come visit because it’s a promise he made and he believes that promises made to seniors and children should never be broken.

“It’s time for dinner.”

He flinches at the interruption in his thoughts and turns around to see Poppy. Automatically, his muscles relax and there’s a grin on his face.

“You’ve could have just called me, Poppy.”

“Dad told me to call you but Mom wanted me to go outside so here I am,” Poppy answers, coming to stand beside Lance so their elbows are touching. She stares at the river with the same contemplative look as Lance.

“I admit, you do stay inside too much.”

She frowns, disagreeing with him but doesn’t say anything. Instead, she replies, “You know, Dad asks about you a lot. _What is Lance doing these days? Does he like his Greek literature class?”_

“No way,” Lance flatly denies. This surprises Lance because he didn’t know Dad knew he even took a Greek literature course last semester. They do talk during the school year but it’s all small talk so Lance never remembers what he actually says to him. Though…Lance is happy to hear that he actually listens, even if he’s grumbling and nagging most of the time.

“Yes way!” Poppy asserts, a bit too cheerfully. “He _does_ ask about you, how else would I know about your Greek literature class.”

Poppy is young but Lance knows she’s well aware of whatever’s going on between him and Dad. There’s no fight or argument between them but Lance doesn’t understand Dad’s way of loving him. He may sound spoiled but he wishes it was more expressive and transparent, something he can feel with his eyes closed. Through their disagreements, Lance sees that they approach life differently hence they often clash with each other. It’s nothing to apologize for but Lance wishes a simple ‘sorry’ could help their relationship because it would make things so much easier.

“I know he cares,” Lance confesses. He knows that Dad cares for him but it’s hard for Lance to communicate when he feels that Dad doesn’t appreciate the things Lance loves.

“You care for him too,” Poppy points out.

“Of course, I do.” Just because there’s distance between them, it doesn’t mean Lance doesn’t love his Dad. He knows Dad does too but Lance believes some distance will do them good. When Lance has sorted out his problems and knows who he is then he can properly talk to Dad and give him the answers he wants.

Now just isn’t the time for that talk.

Poppy offers him a sympathetic smile and they both decide to wordlessly drop the topic. She’s still staring into the horizon but now she tilts her head to the left in confusion. “This town is big and small at the same time.”

The talk gets poignant but Lance follows her lead.

“I understand completely.” Lance would think there’s nothing to do here because it’s small and quiet but there’s _always_ something to do, something to keep him busy. There are slow, lull days but there are days when he’s out cold at 10pm because he’s tired from doing so much. The day can go as fast or slow as he wants unlike the city where he’s always rushed by the current to go faster, to beat time.

“It’s weird how it can be both,” Poppy states in defeat.

“It is but it’s charming as well.”

“Yeah, it is…” Poppy trails off. “So what are you going to do after graduation?”

Lance stares at her, puzzled. Sometimes Poppy forgets that people can’t read her mind so they usually have a hard time following her train of thoughts. Lance is one of those confused victims right now.

“Are you going to come back home?” Poppy rewords her question so they reflect her thoughts and feelings better. She misses Lance and wished she could tell him to come home. Lance very much wants to give her the answer she wants to hear but when he hears the word ‘home,’ he thinks of his apartment in the city, not the house in this town.

His apartment is his own space where walking through the front door is like entering the private room of mind. It’s where Lance feels the most like himself because he has the freedom to decorate and personalize it from hanging posters on the wall to setting up shelves to hold his weird trinkets. His family is very important to him but sometimes, he feels lost when he’s with them because he gives up a part of himself to be with his family.

However, similar to what he thinks about not breaking his promises to children and seniors, he feels he should never lie to them either. So he tries his best to be as honest as possible with Poppy.

Lance gives her his best offer: “I’ll be sure to visit when I can but I haven’t thought about coming back yet.”

Poppy nods, respecting Lance but he sees her eyes muddle with disappointment. “You should visit more often, it’s almost been a year since your last one.”

Lance pats her head, his way of telling her he’s listening to her every words. She leans into his touch and bites her lower lips. “I’ll try to be home more but no promises because work gets busy during the holidays—that’s why I couldn’t visit last year.”

She fights back a _‘get a new job’_ because it’s a thoughtless and selfish remark. She hasn’t been in the world long enough to understand what he’s going through so she can’t say whatever she wants. So she simply nods, accepting his words because this is the closest she can get to him promising to visit more often.

Lance doesn’t like her dejected expression so he asks, “Do you want to go hiking tomorrow then?”

She brightens up at the thought of being out with Lance and suggests, “Let’s go to the arboretum at the university instead.”

“I didn’t know you were interested in nature now.” Truthfully, Lance hasn’t been there in a while because when people think of going out, they don’t think of walking through a maze of endless green.

“I’m trying to draw more trees but I can’t get the shadows and lighting right.”

Lance chuckles because he shouldn’t have expected anything less from Poppy. “Of course it’s because of drawing.”

“I also get to spend more time with you if we’re at the arboretum than at home,” Poppy says, shrewdly. It’s her way of naively keeping Lance to herself and he nods, going along with her juvenile tactics of because the feud between his younger siblings over who gets to hang with him is still happening. Now he thinks the fight is getting more heated since Lance is leaving soon so they’re trying to desperately maximize their time with him by Damian insisting on Lance trying more of his new creations to Celia wanting to stop by the candy store or ice cream parlor after volunteering to Poppy wanting him to accompany her to places on her random errands. This is their way of doting on Lance and he gives in to each and every one of their weird requests.

Lance and Poppy lean over the bridge to stare some more, to talk some more until Azura calls them, warning them to make their way home or else she’s driving over there to bring them back. They look at each other and nervously chuckle, both of them scared of Azura so they begrudgingly make their way home. Poppy’s doodling on Lance arm and by the time they reach the front door, he has a sleeve of stars, flowers and a heart full of smiles.

 

***

 

The museum isn’t crowd on the weekdays and Lance spends it here with his grandparents. The museum is one of Lance’s many homes. Whenever he and his siblings were in their grandparents’ care, they were either playing the piano with Grandma or at the museum to hear Grandpa’s many stories. Instead of fairytales and nursery rhymes, Grandpa told them historical retellings.

When Lance was young, he used to avoid those sections because they were boring and wander off to the second floor with the cool animal fossils, biodiversity and the bat cave. Now that he’s visiting after a very long time, he’s more appreciative of the Ancient Civilizations, Medieval European and Asian artifacts

The museum is incredible because it’s a place where the past and present meet. He gets to visit the past with his modern day mindset and live another life as he reads the description plates about each item. He loves seeing the changes over time and how these changes occur. However, this knowledge of the past is a double edge sword because there’s the sad realization that even though times have changed, human nature is still very much the same. We can still be as nasty as we were back then with religious purging, involuntarily sterilization and acts of implicit discrimination.

He feels a touch on his arm and he turns to Grandma. “Your grandpa and you never get bored of looking at the same thing,” she comments. She’s been to this museum countless times so there comes a point when her excitement wavers so she can’t understand this zeal that Grandpa and they have whenever they come, as if it’s their first time visiting all over again.

“I haven’t been here in a while so I guess you can say, ‘distance makes the heart grow fonder,’” Lance says while staring dreamingly at the Ancient Roman necklace in front of him. It’s amazing how their craftsmanship survived several centuries and we were able to recover it with our knowledge.

“That quote is used for people, not for museums,” Grandma chides, rolling her eyes but they continue to walk through the exhibit, admiring the other pieces of Roman accessories like mirrors and hair ornament. “Though it is a bit worrisome that you’re missing artifacts.”

“What’s wrong with that?” Lance teases.

“You don’t miss people but you miss these inanimate objects?”

Lance laughs at her confusion because when she says it that way then of course he’ll sound weird. He’s even starting to doubt himself now that she’s bringing this up. “What can I say? I love history.”

“I’m glad to see you chipper about today’s visit. I was telling your Grandpa how you might not want to come—”

“Please, I wouldn’t miss our walks in the museum for the world,” Lance interjects. His smile fades when she reaches out to stroke his cheek. He softens up at the earnest look in her eyes.

“Initially, I was worried for you when you said you came back—” Lance flinches—“And it’s not because you do things that make me worry.” Grandma states, seeing through his fear perfectly. “You feel emotions more profoundly and I didn’t know how you were holding up with the stress from school and a break-up. It’s a lot going on and I was worried you’d be hurt from it.”

Lance isn’t surprised that she understands his anxiety. She always did understand his troubles better than anyone else. Sometimes he’s glad to skip the melodramatic recapping of his fears and can get straight to the point.

“I’m better than I expect myself to be,” Lance acknowledges, surprise at his own optimism. Considering his anxiety about his career and the pain from the break-up, he thought he’d be weak from sadness. But he isn’t feeling any of that. In fact, there’s this weird surge of power, of confidence which gives him the motivation to say that he can do it. The problems are still there but he doesn’t feel helpless.

“Lance, you have this potential in you that enables you to excel in anything you put your mind to. You can inspire people because you can easily read minds like Azura but similar to Mira and Celia, you’re empathetic and considerate.”  
  
“I’ve raked my head over my future many times but I’m not sure if having potential is enough to make it,” Lance stammers, slowing his steps through the exhibit. He almost wants to laugh at the word _‘potential’_ because it shouldn’t appear in the same sentence as him.

“Enough for what?” She questions, confused. Lance isn’t sure what he means by enough either but he just feels like he’s lacking, lacking in everything.

“Enough to get me where I want to be…” _And Lance doesn’t know where that is either._

Grandma looks sadden by his words and this is why he doesn’t talk about himself. He’s uncertain and doesn’t know anything so this talk is making him run in circles. But a part of him doesn’t like lying so he tries really hard to be honest, even if he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.

“You might not be where you want to be and you probably even know where that is but I’m proud to have a grandchild like you. You’re strong and Lance, you will get somewhere so don’t be discourage and let things fall into place,” Grandma reassures him, staring at him with her honest blue eyes. She’s genuine and stands firm by her words. She truly believes in him and this makes him want to cry for some reason.

Words coming from Grandma sounds softer but real, as if they have the power to come true. Lance wants to believe that even though he may be lost and confused but he has the ability to figure things out. He’s capable so he should let his mind rest, let his mind to slow down and relax. Maybe he can even afford to engage in leisure activities like practicing the piano and going to the museum more often.

“Maybe I should try baking,” Lance jokes.

“Maybe, so Dami isn’t juggling both baking and cooking,” Grandma joins in on the jokes and they both smile at the hard-working but indecisive Damian. He’s transparent so everyone can see through his struggles—they just don’t say anything about it to not add to his stress.

Suddenly Grandpa calls them over—he’s up ahead because he was too excited to see the rest of the exhibit and couldn’t wait for them.

Grandma sighs and comments in a knowing and tired voice, “He’s going to talk about _that_ again.”

Lance is pretty sure he’s going to gush about the miniature battlefield models with the little soldiers. Grandpa is going to explain the military tactic each country employed and why one led to a prestigious victory while the other one suffered a patriotic humiliation. He loves discussing military history and Lance is sure all of his siblings can describe the strategies effortlessly but they let Grandpa rave on with passion about the topic.

With all the love Lance has received in the past two months, he’s confident enough to return to the city to face his fears and conquer his last year of school. He’s going to come out of battle victorious because he’s Lance Charles McClain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> * promposals = an elaborate and staged way for someone to ask another person to prom. They're usually public so it's usually flashy. The way Irene promposed to Keith is very mild as I've seen over-the-top ones from personal experience with costumes, dance performances and smoke—how my school allowed the smoke? I have no idea LOL 
> 
> I wanted to show Keith and Lance's support system post break-up and for both of them, it's their family. It'a also a nice way for them to step back from the relationship and focus on themselves. I also love writing these chapters since I have the freedom to make up their past so it's nice thinking and planning how their families and home life is like. Lance's family was harder than Keith's to write because there's so many more characters who all have their own story but I enjoyed creating his family because they all love Lance so much. Ofc I want the characters to be happy and loved ;__;!!
> 
> As always, your support is always appreciated ^^;


	9. In the Grand Scheme of Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Years, guys!! <3 I hope 2017 was a good year for everyone—the ups and downs makes us mature and become more wiser so we can better take on 2018! I'm not too surprised but my physical health didn't hold up too well with exams so I had to take a long break after school was over to just recover and heal but alas! this chapter is done!

 

 

With the start of school comes the start of Keith’s volunteer shifts at the hospital’s emergency department. The hospital has its moments where it’s busy to the point where he has to call patients into the waiting room and microwave saline bags but then there are lull moments where he’s escorting patients to the coffee shop and pestering the clerks to see if a patient can have water. He thought he wouldn’t be good at patient interaction but he realizes early on that he’s pretty good at talking to people if the purpose is to help them. The conversation doesn’t have to focus on himself so there’s no burden—he just has to help people which is what he does best.

Another change that comes is a new home, Mom’s home. The good thing about her home is that he can walk to Irene’s house which is one of the reasons why Mom moved here in the first time. She wanted a place with a big garden and to be close with her friend so it’s perfect. True to Keith’s words before he parted ways with Auntie in Belgium, he visits Auntie and Uncle way more. Now he comes over to their house every day for dinner. Auntie’s happy to have him over because she claims that cooking for two lone souls is hard and they always have left over. Keith knows Irene is discreetly jealous because Auntie’s paying more attention to Keith lately but nonetheless, Irene’s grateful he’s visiting them when she can’t.

Keith realizes he has a second home when she calls him one evening asking if he’s coming ‘home’ for dinner. He realizes he forgot to tell her beforehand that he couldn’t make it. He smiles because they expect him ‘home’ for dinner now. It’s been a while since someone called to check up on him like this so it’ll take some time to get used to but he doesn’t mind, especially now that people are waiting for him at dinner.

His friends get use to him being non-existent because he stops eating out so often and school and volunteer takes up a lot of his time. It’s also a pain for him to drink because he has to drive home since the buses in his neighbourhood don’t operate according to a schedule—the bus comes when it wants to and if Keith isn’t at the bus stop then too bad for him.

So his friends get use to no Keith.

***

Today is the big move into their new apartment and Lance stares at his new room, glad to finally have a bed. Hunk is busy setting up the living room with his own décor so it feels like home for both of them. Lance hopes that this move is the last one in a long time because he’s beat. With the upcoming school year, he wants to focus on studying so he can power through it.

Lance hears a ding from his phone and sits down on a beanbag to looks at his email. It’s from his partner at the organization they volunteer at to discuss their upcoming workshop. Lance started volunteering at a women’s shelter and while he hasn’t officially started yet but he knows he’ll be running support workshops and seminars for women. He’s also working on top of volunteering but to give his all to school and volunteering, he decided to tone down the work hours to make sure he gets the best out of his last year. So his life so far is school, volunteer and playing therapy with the customers at the bar.

Azura’s self-help book teaches Lance to not be too harsh with himself so he tries not to overthink too much and settles with this schedule for now. So he has more time to give himself a headache over numbers and why they don’t make sense in his practicums and reading articles with long-winded sentences and missing pages instead of stressing out about work.

Lance has his hands full juggling everything but he doesn’t miss out on the parties. The good ones start with Lance going out all night until the early mornings and he comes home at who knows what time, without a recollection of anything. Maybe it’s because of his job or his wide social networks or who he is as a person but he goes to many, many good parties. Sometimes he doesn’t come home but when he does then thankfully, Hunk is nursing him in the morning though he tries to not let it become a habit.

When Lance is sober and talking to Hunk, Hunk worries about Keith being absent from many of their hang-outs which doesn’t surprise Lance. When they were together, Lance never learned how to handle Keith when he’s isolating himself or wants time to himself so unfortunately, the best thing Lance can do now is to let Keith be. What does surprise Lance is how Hunk hasn’t been able to get a hold of Keith through text. Lance would nod, trying not to pry too much into Keith’s affairs and settles on hoping that he’s still eating properly, sleeping many hours and he’s overall okay.

***

Keith’s eyes scan his email quickly, too excited to let the words fully sink in before he’s at the next one. His hands are shaking and he can’t believe what he just read. Before he knows it, he’s calling Mom to let her know.

“Mom, guess what! Guess what! Guess what!!” Keith exclaims eagerly when she picks up, his Korean words all sticking together.

“Keith, slow down, what happened?” Mom laughs at his enthusiasm.

“Remember when I told you about the World Health Organization internship? The one Lucas told me about.”

Mom catches on and her voice is shrill with exhilaration. “Oh my gosh, of course I remember!”

“I got accepted into their program! I’ll be interning at the eastern Mediterranean office this September!” Keith rejoices, laughing to himself.

There’s a gasp then a shriek from Mom. “Congratulations dear! I’m so…I don’t even know what to say except that I’m happy for you.”

“Thank you. I read the email just now and it’s still…Wow.” Keith grins at this opportunity. Even though September is another 9 months away but it feels so unreal. He’s getting closer to his dream, he’s going to gain experience working in a team aimed to helping people in developing countries. He didn’t think the chance would come so soon but it’s thanks to Lucas who’s looking for these doors of opportunity for him.

“I’m so proud of you. What are you doing to do? How long is your internship?”

“It’s going to be for 3 months. I’ll be working on projects related to disease awareness and prevention programs but I’m not sure what my role is yet.”

“It sounds like a great opportunity, dear. You’re going to learn so much. You’ll love it.”

Keith’s beaming now because it’s true, he’ll love it, he’ll love the experience so much. He’ll gain a lot of hands-on experience and learn so many valuable things from professionals in the field. Keith thinks of the infinite opportunities and he wonders how he got so lucky for all of this to be happening?

***

The campus is big, so big that Lance has never run into Mira despite them studying at the same university. However in this very moment, the campus is small with Lance running into Keith while heading to the library. He isn’t sure if it’s luck or coincidence or fate that this happens but whatever it is, he’s face to face with Keith.

Keith stands in front of him, his grip on his notebook tightening. He wants to say something, anything but his mind is drawing a blank.

“How are you?” Lance starts with small talk, hoping to ease the situation. Keith’s a bit pale so he probably isn’t sleeping well or he’s skipping meals or indulging in instant noodles again. However, Lance isn’t sure if their relationship warrants him to be openly worried over Keith.

“Good,” Keith replies, hating the small talk and the scripted answers but he doesn’t know what else to say. He can’t just tell him about his internship out of the blue—their relationship has changed now. He’s too lost in his thoughts and mentally reprimands himself because he forgets common courtesy. “How about you?”

Lance nods, feeling the conversation crashing and burning. “Same.”

From the look on Lance’s face, Keith can tell he’s doing well or maybe he’s hiding his anxiety well. Whatever it is, Keith hopes that the small, polite grin Lance is giving him means he’s okay, he’s doing better than when Keith last remembered. And for that, Keith is glad.

“Do you like your gift?” Keith asks, alluding to the souvenir he got Lance from his Europe trip. He never brought it up with Hunk since he hasn’t seen him in a while but that’s another issue for Keith to deal with.

Lance rubs his neck and chuckles. “Yeah, I love it though Hunk hates the annoying chirp every hour.” Keith’s eyes are brighter with the mention of the trip. Lance smiles, glad that Keith has loosened up a bit.

_Maybe the conversation isn’t heading straight for the ground after all._

“I’m glad.” Keith smiles softly. He wasn’t worried that Lance wouldn’t like it but he was worried that their break-up would affect him loving it. He knows Lance likes collecting weird, antique things so when he saw the cuckoo clock in Germany, he knew Lance would love it.

“Hey, I have go get the study room before I miss the time limit,” Lance brings up, not sure if he’s relieved or sad that the conversation is ending so soon. This is their first real conversation after their break-up and Lance is happy to know that they can still hold a conversation.

“Alright, have fun studying.”

When Keith is out of the library, he stares at the grassy field in front of him. He takes a deep breath and needs a moment to calm his emotions and compose himself again. He wasn’t actively ignoring Lance but they weren’t looking for each other either. There’s still some things about their break-up that Keith wants to discuss; he wants to know if the reason why they broke up was really because of his new dream or if it’s because of Lance’s self-doubt about himself and his career. If it’s the latter then they talk it out, they don’t have to break-up but Keith is so scared of Lance telling him it’s the former, that Lance hates Keith’s career. So with this fear, Keith is hesitant in bringing it up, he settles with how things are right now because he’s happy to even hold a conversation with Lance.

Keith closes his eyes and exhales. With the more time that passes between them, Keith will accept that their relationship is a thing of the past and that there will be lingering questions but he’ll be okay with not getting the answers to them. He’ll accept their relationship for what it is and be okay with it.

He’ll be okay.

***

There’s a knock on his bedroom door and Lance looks up from his book. “Come in.”

The door opens and Hunk comes in, leaning on his desk with his arms crossed. Lance can read the situation immediately and knows that the look on Hunk’s face means he wants to talk. His face is contorted with questions but he doesn’t look angry.

“What’s up?” Lance asks, turning to face Hunk on his chair.

Hunk sighs and unravels his arms to bring them to his side. “Do you know a Chester?”

Lance leans back and thinks for a bit, trying to remember a Chester but the name doesn’t ring a bell. “Nope.”

Hunk takes his phone out and taps it a few times then wordlessly turns it so Lance is staring at the screen.

Lance is staring at a facebook profile and when he sees the picture, he immediately remembers who Chester is. In his defense, there’s not much to know about him since Lance met him at a party and it was a one-time fling—or at least, Lance thought it was.

Lance clears his throat when he sees that he’s friends with Hunk. He hopes they aren’t close or it’s going to be awkward.

Hunk puts the phone face down, his face stern and waiting for an explanation.

“Who’s he to you?” Lance questions, testing the water.

“He’s my coworker from my internship this summer,” Hunk replies.

“Oh. Did he ask about me?”

“Yeah. I guess he saw you in my snapchat and did some snooping. He asked about you but I didn’t know what to say since you never brought him up,” Hunk explains, sounding baffled. “So what do you want me to tell him?”

“There’s nothing to say,” Lance answers and shrugs at Hunk’s confused face. “Well, I thought he knew it was a one-time thing.”

Hunk crosses his arms again. He doesn’t want to reprimand Lance becauses he knows Lance has heard enough of his lectures in high school but things were so awkward when he saw Chester today. Chester looked eager, even interested in Lance but Hunk honestly couldn’t say much without running it through Lance. “Bro, you know I have no problem with what you do with your life but…one night stands are scary.”

Lance closes his book, knowing he can’t escape the oncoming lecture. He nods, hoping that his agreement means Hunk will cut the talk short. “And I appreciate you for doing it.”

Hunk rolls his eyes because his sugary words are not going to help. He puts a hand on Lance’s shoulder. “You never know about STDs these days. I mean...you don’t know these people’s history and it’s not like you can really sit down to discuss it either.”

Lance chuckles because Hunk worrying for him is really endearing but it’s ridiculous and his efforts are wasted considering the people Lance hangs with at the bar. However he respects Hunk and knows he’s doing it for him so he doesn’t brush him off. It’s not like Hunk wants to give him the sex talk either. “Do you want me to get tested?”

“Lance!” Hunk wails, “I’m just worried for you.”

“I know you are,” Lance stands up and pushes him out the door. “I’ll be sure to facebook people before I get with them to make sure we have no mutual.”

Hunk twists his head to glare at Lance. “You know that’s not what I mean.” If he could, he would dramatically throw up his hands so Lance would properly listen to him. He wishes Lance would take this talk seriously but Lance is only putting up with it because it’s Hunk.

“Hunk, relax. I know what I’m doing and it’s all done safely.” Lance stops them at the kitchen. “So what do you want to have for dinner?”

“Lance.”

“Hunk, relax. I’m fine, you are overreacting.”

“If there’s something up then you know I have your back.”

“I know but I need you to watch over my stomach right now,” Lance jokes and walks pass Hunk, leaving him in front of their countertop to rummage the fridge.

Hunk stares at Lance who’s looking through the fridge and rattling off suggestions for dinner. He’s not judging Lance for his action because it is his life and his choices. Even if Lance didn’t tell him, Hunk knows Lance isn’t doing anything stupid or reckless because he’s a smart person. A smart person who makes smart choices. But Hunk knows Lance is partying just to relieve stress and would rather Lance talk to him than choosing this way-out. They’ve been so busy with school and Lance has been so quiet about his worries that Hunk hasn’t had time to talk to Lance about what’s stressing him—whether it be school, Keith, his career or all of them. The fact that Hunk doesn’t know what’s up with Lance makes him feel like Lance is closing his doors and it hurts because they’re best friends.

***

It’s an awful afternoon for commencement because it’s nearly 30°C but they put up with it for Shiro and Keith.

Shiro messaged the group chat saying that they’re coming out but there are so many people here so finding them will be difficult.

“I see him!” Hunk says and Lance and Pidge has to sit up from their nice spot under the shady tree to join Allura and Hunk. Lance sees Shiro but no Keith.

“Congratulations!” They cheer together when Shiro in within ear-range. He’s smiling so wide with his degree tucked to his side.

“Thanks guys,” Shiro says and chuckles. “We made it.”

“We did,” Lance coos loudly.

“Where’s Keith? Did you lose him?” Allura asks.

“He’s meeting his family first,” Shiro says and takes his hat off to fan himself.

“Let’s take a photos,” Pidge cheers and drags Shiro by his heavy gown to the crowd center. After many photos, Lance’s eyes land on big, obnoxious floating yellow and white balloons. He looks down and is surprised to see Keith standing underneath them. He does a double take because he did not expect Keith to be walking under a bunch of balloons but there he is and he actually looks happy holding onto the strings attached to the balloons.

“Oh my gosh,” Pidge remarks in amusement. She’s laughing when she takes out her phone to take photos. “This is better than prom.”

Keith’s also linking arms with a girl and Lance recognizes her as Irene from his shameful facebook stalking.

When Keith is standing in front of them, he sighs. “Taking photos in this is awful,” he grumbles, raising his free arm to show off his gown. Lance waits for him to mention the balloons but he doesn’t, as if him dragging around a cluster of balloons is perfectly normal. “So this is my friend, Irene.”

Irene waves at them with her free hand and smiles. “Hi everyone!” She greets in a friendly and clear voice. She’s completely at eased while Keith looks up at his balloon in awed. Lance looks at their linked arms because not only is Keith the center of attention with his chorus of balloons but he’s also letting this blatant display of affection with Irene take place which is surprising because Keith was against hand-holding for a while, let alone _this_.

Her bright eyes land on Shiro and they’re smiling when she exclaims, “Congratulations on graduating, Shiro!” Irene takes a few steps until she’s in front of Shiro to hug him.

Shiro smiles gently and returns the hug, completely relaxed. This is another rare sight because Shiro usually has something on his mind and it’s Allura who has to remind him to take a break. “Thank you, Irene.”

“It’s no problem. I took shots of you walking across the stage—Keith’ll email them to you,” Irene says and this is news to Lance. Keith got her a ticket to his commencement which is a hard feat because graduates are only allowed two tickets and it took Lance forever to get four. He didn’t think Keith would go through the trouble of finding one so this means that to Keith, Irene is family.

“Thanks,” Shiro replies.

“It’s no biggie, why are you so formal?” She laughs, giving him a light punch on the arm.

Irene locks eyes with Pidge and they shriek while hugging. Hunk and Lance exchange a confused look because Pidge isn’t the screeching or affection type but it seems Irene is an exception.

“You didn’t tell me you were back,” Pidge retorts, jokingly sounding hurt.

“Sorry, I haven’t been back since I left for university so I’ve been busy visiting family. This is actually the first day I have to myself,” Irene apologizes, holding onto Pidge’s hands. “But don’t worry, I made time for your commencement.”

“Oh, you better!” Pidge warns, a teasing tone in her voice.

“We’ll have lunch too?”

“Definitely!”

“Okay, break it up you two.” Keith puts a hand on both of their shoulders. “You guys can catch up later.”

“Buzz off, Keith.” Pidge reproaches and Keith looks offended for a second before Pidge is hugging him. His scowl softens into a smile and returns her hug quickly.

“Anyways, this is Hunk—” Keith starts but Irene walks to Hunk and extends her hand and he rolls his eyes. “Irene, can you wait until I give everyone’s name before you start your pretentious handshakes?”

“This is how I greet people, Keith.”

Keith sighs and gestures for her to carry on. Hunk shakes her hand and Irene clasps her free hand on top of his. This sincere two hand handshake surprises Hunk because they usually only get the standard, one hand handshake. Keith isn’t fazed by this and instead, rolls his eyes again.

“Good to see you in person, Hunk.” Irene grins, her eyes twinkling.

“Same goes for me,” Hunk replies, smiling as well. “It’s good to meet you.”

Irene doesn’t wait for Keith to introduce Allura and steps up to her to give her the two hand handshake. “Nice to meet you, Allura.”

“The pleasure is mine,” Allura answers in a warm voice, unlike her usual polite and posh one reserved for introductions.

“This is Lance,” Keith says, catching Lance’s gaze for the first time that day. There’s an earnest, blithe happy look in Keith’s eyes and Lance smiles softly. He’s having fun today and he has every right to—it’s his graduation after all and Lance is happy for Keith’s happiness. Keith returns the sincere smile and Lance turns into goo.

Then Lance’s distracted by Irene who smiles at him with her genuine, unwavering eyes. Lance can tell from her eyes alone that she’s a composed and confident person. She knows what she’s doing and knows how to control the situation with her articulate words.

“Hi Lance, I didn’t get a chance to meet you last time,” Irene comments, alluding to the time when Keith and her were in Paris and Pidge video-called him. “I’m Irene.”

“Unfortunately, we didn’t,” Lance says and chuckles. “You’re got quite the character.” When she’s giving him her two hands handshake, Lance notices that her hands are not only warm but also firm—this sincerity would definitely draw people to her.

She laughs and cautions, “I’m going to take that as a compliment.”

“No worries, it is,” Lance reassures her. It surprises Lance how someone like her and Keith can get along when her persona is so big whereas Keith prefers to be on the side, away from the attention.

“Nice balloons,” Hunk brings up, his eyes fixated on them. Keith glances up then grins fondly at the balloon with and Irene mirroring his gleeful expression. Lance thought Keith would dread this flashy show of pretension but he seems happy to have the balloons hovering over him.

“They’re great, right?” Irene replies, taking credit for them.

“They’re nice but I swear, you’re out to make my life miserable,” Keith says with a bark and no bite.

“Hey, this was Auntie’s idea.”

For someone who has an extravagant Mom and a showy friend, Keith sure doesn’t embrace the extra attention. He’s standing under a group of helium balloons that could be seen from across the field. He’s probably embarrassed but it’s overshadowed by this joy of having his family and Irene here. He appreciates their love so much, even if it does draw curious eyes to him.

Upon closer inspection at the balloons, Lance notices a grey hippo balloon and a white cat one.

“What’s up with the hippo and cat balloon?” Lance questions and Irene’s smirk grows wider while Keith’s face grows darker. The whole set up is to mock Keith and unfortunately, Lance catches on too late.

“How did you even find the hippo balloons?” Allura asks, curiously.

“Since it’s Irene, I’m not too surprised. You can be very persistent,” Shiro jokes.

Keith rolls his eyes but eventually smiles in defeat. “She’s persistent alright or else I would have been free from her wrath years ago.”

“You don’t want me to go because of your masochistic streak,” Irene chides and Keith scowls, being rendered speechless.

It’s weird for Lance to see Keith behaving so comfortably with Irene’s teasing because Keith has been nothing but awkward with him all year. However with Irene here, the awkwardness is gone in the blink of an eye. His mood is suddenly playful and fun with her here. Lance has known her for 10 minutes and seeing how she interacts with everyone, he can tell that she would effortlessly be the life of a party, the blinding sun in the room.

“Anyways, Keith has a soft spot for hippos,” Irene explains, patting Keith’s shoulder.

“Oh my gosh, shut up,” Keith grumbles and elbows her, “You are never going to let me live it down.”

“I can’t because you were so distraught when you found out that house hippos aren’t real.”

Pidge joins in, defending Keith’s distress over the house hippos, “Hey I think everyone was sad when they realized they weren’t real.” Pidge and Keith bump fists, supporting each other over the awful realization of the fake house hippo.

Lance smiles, remembering the house hippo ads. Lance remembers coming home after school to turn on the tv and watches the ad with the small hippos wandering the house. It’s weird because the purpose of the ad was to caution people against believing everything they see on tv but instead, an entire generation of children ended up wanting a house hippo for a pet—Lance being one of them. Parents and teachers were at a lost at how to explain to these hopeful children that the house hippos on tv was, in fact, fake. Thus it was a hard time for many children with their broken dreams of owning a house hippo.

“Keith used to leave bits of bread with peanut butter out for them until Auntie had to break the bad news to him.”

Keith grimaces but remarks stubbornly, “Hippos are cool, I’ll give them that.”

 _“'Hippos are cool, I’ll give them that,’”_ Irene mocks. “You should listen to yourself.”

“Guys…” Shiro reprimands with one word, suddenly sounding tired and Keith just jabs Irene for revenge.

“And cat balloons because Keithy and kitty, get it?!” Irene jokes excitedly.

“Keithy? As in Keith?” Allura repeats, tickled at Keith’s cute nickname.

“Irene, I swear, you said you wouldn’t bring that up. Our contract!” Keith cries, horrified at Irene bringing up his elementary school horror stories. _They have a contract and she just breached it!_

“I didn’t, Lance asked so I have to tell,” Irene replies cheekily. “So the contract is still on.”

Lance meets Keith’s annoyed eyes and Lance shrugs helplessly at Keith. Lance can tell Irene definitely has Keith wrapped around her fingers or else she wouldn’t be able to ruthlessly tease him like this.

Lance’s gaze shifts from Keith to Irene and he catches her staring at him. Maybe it’s a habit from his job but when Lance isn’t looking, he can feel Irene watching him—even if it’s the from the corner of her eyes. It doesn’t bother him since she has no bad intentions but he does wonder what she thinks of him.

“I can’t believe you missed out on Keitten,”*** Hunk adds, mockingly astonished at this blasphemy and everyone bursts out laughing at the cunning pun.

“Hunk, I thought better of you.” Keith speaks through gritted teeth, his face red with embarrassment.

“Sorry bud but your name naturally associates with cats so I can’t do anything about it.” Hunk shrugs and puts a hand on Keith’s shoulder which he shrugs off.

“I’m offended and you—” Keith turns to Irene, “Watch when I go to your graduation, I’m getting you kidney balloons.”

“They don’t sell those,” Irene taunts.

Keith declares haughtily, “Watch me find them or else I will get balloons and draw on them myself.”

“You and what creativity?”

“Guys, please explain.” Pidge says, cutting their banter short.

“Irene’s name has _‘ren’_ which means kidneys is Latin and she doesn’t like being associated to it for some reason,” Keith says proudly.

Lance exchanges a confused look with everyone because the reason for her kidney name is ridiculously nerdy and something only Keith would find amusing enough to use as a nickname. He’s just so satisfied of it that Lance doesn’t have the heart to tell him how weird it sounds.

“You know the reason, you asswipe,” Irene rebuts and shoves a Keith who’s busy laughing. “Kidneys are weird looking so I don’t want to be referred to something like that.”

“You’re weirder looking,” Keith quickly counters, satisfied with his petty comment.

“Are you proud of that?” Irene mocks, rolling her eyes and Keith does look strangely pleased of his naïve comeback. Lance’s face is furrow in confusion because how could something so childish come out of his mouth. It’s like they’re both five years old and won’t give in until they have the last word.

Suddenly, it makes sense why they’re friends. She understands his weird, quirky humor and looks upset at his dumb kidney joke. Lance is willing to bet that she makes the same type of lame jokes.

Shiro rolls his eyes in defeat. “Glad to see you guys are still the same.”

Keith and Irene smile at each other before Irene holds up the camera around her neck. “Anyways, it’s time for photos.” Irene announces and elbows Keith when he’s grimacing. “Wipe that look off your face because I promised Auntie I’ll be taking photos for her today.”

Pidge asks, “Where is Auntie anyway?

“They went to get something to drink,” Keith replies. “They were tired after making me waltz around central campus with this gown on for the photos.”

“Let’s start with a high school reunion photo then,” Irene chirps and she brings the camera up to her face until Shiro motions for her to join them. Allura instinctively reaches for the camera and Irene smiles, happy to pass it off to stand with Shiro, Pidge and Keith. She’s standing in-between Pidge and Keith and they’re all smiling ear-to-ear.

Lance hopes that Keith’s attitude today means he’s finally put their break-up behind him. To be honest, Lance knows Keith still has some things about their break-up that he wants to clear up but Lance purposely acts oblivious. The answers that Lance has would hurt Keith more but that isn’t the only thing that’s stopping Lance—he’s not that noble. Lance doesn’t want to vulnerably admit that his heart isn’t big enough to love Keith’s dream, especially not when Lance is facing his own identity crisis. What Lance wants is his own space so he can sort things out and he can’t do that when he’s feeling guilty towards Keith.

Lance’s eyes linger on Irene, amazed that someone as brilliant as her can exist in Keith’s life and yet, he never mentioned her. She doesn’t shove their relationship in Lance’s face but a blind person could see how deep their bond is. He’s still so envious of Irene with his admiration for her bigger than it was before.

***

Irene knows Keith is trying to be stealthy when he’s peeking at Lance but she can tell that he wants Lance’s attention. She wishes she could do something so he would stop looking at Lance with lovesick eyes and get his friends out of their misery because they have to pretend not to notice Keith and Lance blatantly glancing at each other.

The look on Keith’s face is still the same as the one he had when he was five and wanted her toys but didn’t know how to bring it up. So he stared, hoping Irene would get the message which she didn’t so she called him weird and he got teary-eyed until their moms intervened. Now, instead of her toys, he wants to be near Lance and this is Irene being insanely modest while interpreting Keith’s thoughts.

She knows he wants to talk to him, to have Lance congratulate him but he can’t bring himself to act on his desires. So he settles on staring at him painstakingly, hoping for a miracle to happen so they can talk. She wonders if Keith is aware of this but knowing him, she doubts he does or else he wouldn’t be Keith.

Her eyes wander to handsome Lance with his sun-kissed skin. He’s a flashy kind of attractive with the arrogant way he carries himself and the white-toothy grins. Irene was surprised at how smooth he talks because she didn’t think Keith would love someone like him—not that Lance is not lovable but she can imagine their personalities clashing and the fights. Irene and Keith were raised to be modest and subtle so this form of confidence isn’t something they’re used to. On the outside, he would be someone off of Keith’s radar because he’s so glitzy but in the rare moments when Keith’s attention is on something other than Lance, Irene sees how thoughtful Lance is. Lance seems to know when Keith isn’t looking and stares at Keith with this incredibly soft and sweet look. Irene isn’t confident enough to call it love but she’s certain there’s care and genuine happiness in Lance’s eyes when he sees Keith.

Irene is also certain that, like Keith, Lance wants to talk to Keith. So she decides that this cannot go on so she does them both a favor.

“Hey Lance, it’s your turn,” Irene proclaims and Keith flinches at Irene’s quick attack. Keith sees Lance being caught off guard by her bold proposal and he pinches Irene’s arms, telling her to abort mission. She subtly pulls her arm away and Keith is appalled because Irene is doing it on purpose. He can’t call her out without making Lance uncomfortable because it would look like he doesn’t want to take a photo with Lance which is absolutely not true.

Lance’s face is blank and he exchanges a nervous glance with Keith who looks just as lost. The whole group goes quiet at Irene’s suggestion and Lance isn’t sure what she’s trying to do because he knows she knows about their break-up in great detail. If not then she can obviously sense the tension between Keith and him.

Irene is still staring innocently at Lance; Keith makes no move to object to the photo since he did take individual ones with everyone but Lance. So Lance takes the heavy steps towards them.

With a grumpy Keith and a bashful Lance standing together, Irene purposely yells, “Can you guys get closer?”

Irene sees Keith flip her off but she ignores him because the stupid, gleeful look on his face is telling her otherwise.

Pidge leans in close to Irene and whispers, “Girl, you have a death wish.”

Irene chuckles and adjusts the camera lens. “No, I’m doing it to get all of us out of our misery.”

Pidge grins because Irene’s right. Pidge was trying to strike a conversation where Lance and Keith can both join in so they can finally talk without stealing not-so-secret glances at each other. Though Pidge would never dream of making them take a photo together because she isn’t sure if they would be okay with it. Despite breaking up for a year, they all know that they still have something going on between them. Pidge isn’t sure if this _something_ is due to words left unsaid or just the usual awkwardness that comes after a break-up but there’s definitely some tension. However, Pidge has done all of her meddling so she’s glad Irene is doing this because only she would be bold enough to pull this off. With this, Pidge hopes that they can at least take a nice photo together and talk to let off some steam.

Irene is confident that even though Keith looks like he’s dreading the moment, he’s happy with his relaxed shoulders and a smile that gets wider and wider. He’s slowly allowing himself to enjoy this moment with Lance. She isn’t confident with reading Lance’s body language but based on the easy laughter he shares with Keith and the frequent double-takes he does after talking, she thinks he’s more worried about Keith than himself.

She bites back a smile when Lance puts a timid hand on Keith’s shoulders for the photo. The touch is delicate at first but they both get comfortable as they lean into each other with dusted pink cheeks. Irene takes a candid shot as evidence to show Keith later on when he’s giving her shit because of this. The candid shot doesn’t go unnoticed by Keith and he glares at her through the lens but she pretends not to notice.

“Okay guys, smile for the camera!”

***

Allura and Lance are shopping and destressing at the mall. Lance goes mainly to kill time and to have an excuse to be outside while Allura goes to get away from Shiro’s whining and to relax before they’re bombarded with more graduations to attend.

“So why are you avoiding Shiro?” Lance asks, finding it uncharacteristic of Shiro to be so unbearable that Allura has to get away—though Shiro does have his moments where he’s bit worrisome.

“Pidge, Matt, Keith and Irene are going to attend their friend’s graduation in another city and Shiro’s going too but keeps wanting me to come with them,” Allure explains casually as if she’s reading a grocery slip.

“That’s…strange” is all Lance can mutter. First, he didn’t even know Keith had friends outside of the city because he never mentioned them. Second, if that crew is going then it means it’s their high school friend so why doesn’t Shiro want to go? Third, why does he want Allura there?

“Well…” Allura’s voice rises which translates to _there’s something else but this something else is something I can’t say._

Lance gives her a look, the one that tells her to _spill it or he will walk out of this store. Alone._

Allura sighs and relaxes her shoulders. “Well, it was initially Irene who suggested the trip since she talked to this friend recently. Pidge knows them too so she’s going and Keith’s joining them because why not?” She chuckles. “Sometimes I really don’t know how to describe Keith. He’s not easy-going but he can be so…simple.”

Lance nods, echoing her view completely. Keith is literally fine with anything as long as their friends are there so he doesn’t mind getting dragged into these kind of things. Therefore Pidge is always taking advantage of that but Keith doesn’t hesitate to be a prick later on if things go downhill.

“Do carry on,” Lance urges when Allura stays too quiet.

“Well…Matt and Shiro are coming.”

“But Shiro doesn’t want to come,” Lance reconfirms and Allura nods.

“Right, he doesn’t. But Matt does.”

“Allura.” Lance scowls because he’s about to blow up with how Allura is _blatantly_ baiting him. This is not how friends treat each other.

Allura chuckles nervously. She’s bad at keeping secrets herself but she also has a conscience. “Shiro should really stop telling me these gossips,” she mumbles with a shake of her head.

Lance rolls his eyes because Shiro is always the last one to know gossip so by the time he finds out, his ‘news’ is old news. “Please, it’s hardly gossip once it reaches Shiro’s ears.”

“Trust me, this isn’t gossip that you would know,” Allura continues baiting and turns on her heels to stalk to the new arrivals. Lance begrudgingly follows behind her, almost ready to beg her to just spill the damn beans.

“Okay so Matt wants to go on this trip…” Lance trails off, trying to find any clues. Matt and Shiro are a year older than them so they probably don’t know this friend very well if Irene or Pidge know them—or at least Shiro doesn’t if he’s acting like a child. So it’s Matt, something’s up with him. “Matt’s the problem.”

Allura turns around to face him, her face glowing now because thank goodness Lance is quick to catch on. The secret is practically at the tip of her tongue but her conscience is forcing her lips shut. “Promise me you won’t tell anyone.”

“Okay Princess Allura, can I please know the sacred secret now?”

“Matt likes Irene so he begged Pidge to let him tag along but because he doesn’t want to seem out of place so he’s making Shiro come with some dumb excuse of exploring the area,” Allura says in one fast breath, giggling now, finding this set-up all too amusing. “Of course, he wants me to come so he isn’t stuck helping Matt plan out how to talk to Irene though it shouldn’t be a problem given how easy-going she is.”

Lance grins too widely because this is absolutely adorable, the most innocent and childlike thing he’s heard in a while. Matt likes Irene and wants to see her more so he’s making his poor friend come along as a cover up.

_Poor Shiro._

“I feel bad for laughing at Shiro.”

“I do too,” Allura says, suppressing a laugh.

“Though.” Lance stops to think about Keith and Shiro’s graduation. Matt came late and Shiro gave him shit for it. Matt actually looked surprise to see Irene but he quickly recomposed himself. “I swear, he seemed fine talking to her.”

“That’s what you think but Shiro begs to differ,” Allura jokes. “Apparently he was interested when he was helping them on their physics project in their senior year of high school but Irene went abroad afterwards.”

“Aww, that’s cute,” Lance coos. “And here I thought Matt’s one true love was particle physics.” If he remembers correctly then he’s currently working on his masters in it or something space related and he’s considering a Ph.D. If that isn’t a love fit for marriage then Lance doesn’t know what is.

“It is and Matt’s persistent but Keith is unknowingly cockblocking.”

Lance unexpectedly laughs because that is so Keith. He’s oblivious when it comes to social cues so this is not a surprise. It’s only a tragedy for Matt who’s trying to get Keith to get the clue to leave and Shiro who has to put up with a melodramatic Matt wailing over blockhead Keith.

It’s one big tragedy caused by Keith.

“Poor Matt. He’s literally has to tell Keith or else he won’t get the hint.”

“Right!” Allura agrees, her voice close to cracking from laughter again. She softens up after their gaiety dies down and glances at Lance with an unreadable but pensive look.

“Is there more gossip?” Lance jokes despite knowing the answer.

“As far as Shiro knows, no but that isn’t saying much.” Allura smiles gently, too gentle to continue teasing Shiro. “I’m just…glad you’re doing okay after the break-up. I was worried I couldn’t mention him especially after what happened at commencement.”

Lance blushes at the memory of him standing next to Keith, the feeling of his small shoulder under Lance’s palm. He didn’t think they would be able to talk normally, let alone stand together for a photo. He’s sure his blushing face made him look like a goofball in the shot but he can’t wait to see it.

Allura waits for Lance to come back from his thoughts and doesn’t comment on his suddenly flushed face.

“Well, I’m okay but Keith isn’t.” Lance keeps his answer simple and short because she knows what he’s referring to. Keith hasn’t hung out with the group except for big celebrations like birthdays, Shiro’s acceptance into law school, Pidge nailing the job offer and Hunk securing another internship.

Allura bites her lips, wondering if she should be talking to Lance about it since she doesn’t give the best advice and doesn’t want to say the wrong things. “It’s hard since you guys are in the same group of friends. People have different ways of dealing with things and this is Keith’s way,” Allura advises and Lance looks away but Allura still catches the hurt in his eyes, the hurt he’s desperately trying to be okay with.

“We fucked up,” Lance utters and shrugs.

Allura frowns, her eyebrows automatically knitted in disagreement. “Lance, you did not. Don’t say that.”

Lance smiles for Allura’s sake, to ease her concerns. “Though I’m glad he has Irene.”

“Lance, they don’t have that kind of relationship.”

“I know,” Lance replies. “I’m just glad he’s not going through this alone. He overreacts and I can’t follow his thoughts sometime but Irene and Keith are practically telepathically-linked so I’m happy he has someone he’s comfortable talking to.”

“I wish…” Allura trails off, hesitating, “he would confide in us but like you said, I’m relieved he’s not alone.”

“Right. Keith is actually really lonely so initially, I was worried. I mean, even with Pidge, there’s only so much he can say because she’s close with me,” Lance says, getting distracted by the sadness of his own words.

Lance says Keith overreacts but Allura can see that Lance is the same. He’s thought a lot about Keith and their break-up, probably more than Lance has thought of himself. It pains her to see them like this, when their feelings are obviously still so strong yet things have unfortunately come to this.

“You still care for him so much,” Allura blurts out and he immediately looks at her in surprise. She doesn’t take it back and instead, meets Lance’s startled gaze which slowly turn into relief and contentment.

“Of course I do,” Lance answers naturally, as if this is normal, something to be expected. “I’m so fucking proud of him for getting that internship—” though he wished he didn’t have to learn about it through Shiro—“Just because we broke up, it doesn’t mean I don’t care for him. I still love him.”

“Then why don’t you—”

“Allura,” Lance interjects, warning her. She looks at him sadly, understanding the tone in his voice. The tone that says _I don’t want to talk about it, I can’t handle the implication of your words._ Lance decides to take control of the conversation to avoid questions he doesn’t want to think about. “It’s not about being together or not. I’m uncertain about my future and it’s making me sensitive to a lot of things—one of them being Keith’s newfound dream. It doesn’t sit right with me that I can’t support him wholly.” It actually pains Lance that he can’t support Keith. It’s not something he can force himself to do and that upsets him.

“It’s a complicated matter,” Allura states and Lance nods, completely agreeing.

“I know I shouldn’t blame myself but I can’t help but think…maybe I don’t love him enough to love his dream. If I can’t do that then I just want him to be happy and well…” Lance trails off, knowing that this is the best he can do. Keith has questions but Lance doesn’t have the right answers. His answers are weaved with his fear, doubt and confusion and it’s not something Lance wants to give Keith. Trying to explain the intricacy of Lance’s thoughts will only confuse Keith, it will slow him down when his life is just taking off. He can never do that to Keith.

Allura smiles, proud of her dear friend and remarks, “It’s very mature of you.”

Lance gives her his flashy smile, one that she does not appreciate but will tolerate because it’s Lance. “I cannot not be mature, I’m gradating soon.” He chuckles. “Though it’s great to see you and Shiro still strong after all these years.”

Allura smiles fondly at the mention of Shiro. “Thank you, Lance. Though, you don’t need someone to feel…accomplished. You as your own person is amazing already. You should celebrate that.” Lance shrugs and Allura frowns. “Oh c’mon Lance, you don’t believe me?”

Lance gives her a curious look, not sure what she’s getting at. _He as himself is amazing_ —that’s a first. He grins, urging her to continue. “I’m not sure where this is going but keep talking.”

“I’m not flattering you, I’m just saying what I think.”

“And that is?”

Lance is maybe milking this topic too much but Allura rarely praises him so openly.

“Graduating with a double major in math and classics is not easy. Now you have skills from both the humanities and mathematics and that’s admirable.”

He smiles, remembering how he finished his math major early on in third year and he was glad because he could dedicate his fourth year to loving his classical civilization major. However, a few days into the semester and he missed the number crunch so he enrolled in some insane fourth year space geometries course. It’s like he needs a balance of both in order to maintain his sanity.

However, hearing Allura compliment his major like this sounds like she’s talking about someone else. He never gave a thought about his majors because it just feels so right to study them. To become ‘admirable’ because of it, to be someone ‘admirable’ isn’t Lance. If anything, he’s more puzzled and doubtful because of it. The duality confuses him because which program should he pursue? Where should he direct his career?

“Thanks,” Lance replies, not sure how to respond.

“You sound so convinced,” Allura ridicules and Lance chuckles. _Allura is ruthless as usual._

“While I love what I study but…it doesn’t really lead me anymore, if you get my drift.”

“I understand,” Allura says, “But I don’t agree with it. What you study doesn’t have to dictate what you do. It’s fine to do something completely different. You just have to keep your mind open.”

Lance nods, keeping his mind open is too abstract for him to comprehend but he nods because he wants to drop this topic with no answer. “True.”

Allura glowers, seeing right through his front. “Lance…”

He doesn’t know why it’s so hard for him to be positive, to get it through his head that it’s okay to not know what he wants to do but he feels so rushed. It’s as if there are invisible hands pushing him forward, leaving him no time to even worry. “I know what you mean, Allura but it’s hard for me to come to terms with it. I mean, I can comfort other people with the same problem but I’m so hard on myself.”

He pretends to be fixated on the table of cologne in front of him to avoid Allura’s concerned glaze.

“I’m glad you’re aware of it,” Allura states. “I know you’ve been uneasy about the future and I am too but I comfort myself by thinking of the time we have ahead of us. Four years of undergraduate is nothing compared to our time after graduation. Graduating isn’t the end, we still have a lot of opportunities waiting for us,” Allura muses excitedly. “I know personally that I am far from independence and I’m certain others feel the same.”

Lance smiles softly, feeling better after getting an unexpected prep talk from her. He forgets that Allura is taking a fifth year because she doesn’t know what to do after graduation either. So she’s using the time to search; it’s not just him that’s anxious.

“People are always harder on themselves and I’m one of them. It’ll take time to change this…but I’ll try to remember that I have time even though it feels like I’m always running out of it,” Lance repeats but this time, more optimistically.

“If you find it hard to believe in yourself then I will believe in you and the rest of us will too,” Allura cheers and gives him a light punch.

Lance’s smile is straight from the heart and it’s big and sparkly. He chuckles to himself, happy to have these friends who love him and want the best for him. So he tells himself not to panic about the future, about his career and to take things at his own pace and explore. He owes himself that much at least.

***

Keith and Irene make a b-line for the swings after they get their ice cream from the ice cream truck. They don’t have to embarrass themselves fighting children for the swings since it’s late into the evening; the little kids are at home, the sky is dark and the stars are out.

Keith had to hibernate for two days after their trip to visit their friend’s graduation. It’s been hard on him with the many social events from his Mom visiting, his graduation, and Irene inviting him to meet-ups with their high school friends. She knew to come get him on the third day for some fresh air. Their schedule was packed from lunch to the stroll along the big garden in the afternoon to finishing the day at the planetarium.

When they grab the swings, they both idle on it, enjoying their ice cream in peace before he remembers something he has to talk about with her.

“Irene, I have to talk to you about something,” Keith states, warily. The look Irene gives him is anything but wary. In fact, she’s confused at the solemn tone.

“Keith when you say it like that then it sounds super serious but we’re on the swings having ice cream…” Irene points out but doesn’t break his gaze.

Keith chuckles, contemplating that maybe he _did_ sound too stern but it is a serious topic. “So at my graduation when you made Lance and I take a photo…Don’t do that again,” he reprimands.

He gauges Irene’s reaction and he doesn’t know what to expect but she’s staring at him fondly, almost happily, as if she’s glad he brought it up which makes Keith very confused because this is a lecture, supposedly.

“Be honest with me,” is all Irene says and Keith nods unconsciously.

“If I wasn’t honest with you, I wouldn’t be having this discussion,” Keith grumbles.

“Good.” Irene brushes off his blunt but honest reply. “It was awkward for you to be with Lance at your graduation but in the grand scheme of things, you’re glad to have taken a photo with him. Correct?”

He rolls her eyes because whenever she pulls her ‘correct’ crap, she’s about to _lecture him_ which was not supposed to happen.

Keith tightens his fingers around the chains holding the swing, feeling a stupid blush make its way onto his stupid face. It’s like talking about Lance turns on this awful switch in Keith’s cheeks that make them flush an embarrassing and palpable shade of pink. He answers slowly and truthfully, “Yes, I’m glad to have a taken the photo with him.”

“And…why are you glad?” Irene questions, wanting Keith to recognize his own feelings. Keith stares helplessly at Irene, his eyes begging her to stop. She stares back with mock ignorance and remarks, “Keith you’re the one who brought this topic up.”

He breathes out a heavy sigh, knowing that he’s in for some more mortification. He narrows his eyes, trying to figure out the mess that is his feelings; he doesn’t understand what his emotions mean but he does his best to articulate them because apparently, according to Shiro and Irene, talking about his feelings might help him understand them. He thinks it’s bullshit because he’s always talking about them with her but he’s _still_ awkward with words.

She’s staring at him, expecting a reply and he continues, “Well…even though we broke up, he’s still…I mean, I still look out for him. I don’t think I’ll ever stop especially when I—” His voice cracks and he wants to die if he was talking to someone other than Irene. “—I loved him so much.”

Irene smiles at Keith’s sickening love for Lance. He hates talking about his feelings because he always gets flustered but Irene like it when he’s flustered because it’s when he’s the most honest—and honest in the sense that he doesn’t hide what he’s feelings, not that he ever lies about them. Keith tries to never lie, though white lies don’t count, and Irene admires him for that.

“So what did you guys talk about?” She asks and the blush travels to Keith’s ears. Irene smiles wider and teases, “What? You didn’t think I’d notice you two murmuring to each other? I _was_ the photographer.”

Keith stuffs the ice cream in his mouth, hoping that a brain freeze can get him out of this but he thought of this escape route too late. “He congratulated me for graduating and my internship.” He doesn’t like the weird, attentive look she’s giving him so he starts to kick off on his swing to get away from her.

Irene frowns. Keith says one thing but his voice is telling her something else. “You don’t sound too happy with that.”

Keith continues swinging but doesn’t go too high so they can still talk. “It was fine when we talked about my graduation but he didn’t sound very enthusiastic about my internship…” Keith trails off, disappointed and mutters in a small, hurt voice, “He must really hate my dream.”

Keith mentally beats himself for sounding so weak, so miserable over something that happened over a year ago but the pain feels so fresh and raw, and he’s hurting all over again.

“Keith…” Irene’s voice is soft and comforting. “He doesn’t hate your dream…he just wants to see you often. You know that.”

Keith knows she’s right because Lance told him that and he told her. “Yeah, I know but it means that even if I know why we broke up, we can’t be together because I’m _still_ going to chase after this dream. I mean, I knew this already but I was hoping for something else then maybe...” Keith frowns, choosing to look angry rather than weak. He can’t bring himself to tell Irene that he was hoping to get back together with Lance—it’s something so stupid and so naïve.

Maybe he should stop looking for a proper answer for their break-up and just move on like Lance has.

Irene’s saddened by his realization, at the possible impossibility of them getting back together. “Keith, it’s not like you to give up.”

Keith grew up listening to her comforting _Keiths_ for many years and the sheer sincerity in them has always made him feel better but this time, it doesn’t. He just wants to cry and he definitely doesn’t want to cry about the same things again. “What can I do though?”

_Nothing._

The look on Irene’s face tells Keith that she reached the same conclusion as him.

“You’ve matured,” Irene remarks. Or maybe, Keith was always this mature but she missed it? Maybe he was always this understanding but it was buried under his desires to achieve his dream.

“Irene, am I cold-hearted or something?”

Her eyes are big with surprise at his sudden question. “Why would you ask me that? Of course not.”

He smiles at her quick answer. Her absolute confidence in him has saved him so many times, has blew away so many of his cloudy doubts. He’s lucky to be her friend.

“I mean, I know I have feelings like...I _do_ want to see Lance often but I didn’t even think of that when I was thinking about my dream. I was just so excited thinking about it that I forgot about…him.”

“If anything, Keith, you’re actually pretty sensitive. Don’t kick yourself for being overjoyed about your dream—it’s normal. Don’t be upset over something that’s normal.”

“So it’s fucking life and I’m unlucky.” Keith looks ahead, trying to get higher on the swings. The only thing he can do now is go forward since things aren’t going to change and he isn’t going to get his answer.

Irene laughs, as much as Keith’s matured, he’s still his usual tenacious self. He hates it when things don’t go his way and he can’t do anything about it. It goes against his morals because he believes that his hard work is reflected in his results. So when he’s faced with ‘life’ problems, things he can’t change then he gets mad and channels his frustration into something else—right now, it’s swinging to the top.

“Stop hating on life, Keith. At least you got a photo with him at your graduation.”

Keith suddenly remembers why he brought up the topic in the first place and slows down on the swing. Irene has somehow managed to turn things around and take rein of the conversation. “About that, Irene…the photo. You can’t do whatever you want.”

His swinging comes to a complete stop so he can look her in the eyes when he says this. She isn’t sure what Keith is getting at but if he’s _still_ bringing it up then he must be really upset.

“You guys kept looking at each other and I knew you wanted to talk to him so I…” Irene spots the troubled look on Keith’s face and decides to drop the explanation and apologize earnestly, “Never mind, sorry, Keith. It was bad judgment on my part.” She knows Keith’s glad to have gotten the photo with Lance but maybe he didn’t want her to force them into it. A mistake is a mistake and she knows when to own up to it.

For some reason, Keith feels bad hearing Irene’s apology. He’s glad she was there with him that day or things could have been a lot more awkward. He was too much of a wimp to talk to Lance and Irene saw that. So she did what she always does—she creates opportunities for him to get what he wants. She was doing it for him and he’s not saying that she shouldn’t but he just wishes…she was more considerate of Lance.

“No, don’t apologize. You’re right, I _did_ want to talk to him but I don’t want to force Lance to talk to me. I want him to talk to me when he’s comfortable and I don’t know…actually fuck, forget it,” Keith rambles, irritated. This is why he hates these discussions. He stutters and he makes a fool of himself. “Sorry for making you the bad guy and thank you making the decision for me.”

He throws out his fist and she knowingly gives him a fist pump. Though she’s confused at Keith’s actions but he’s talking about his feelings and she’s happy for it. “I’m used to it, you know, doing these things for you…though I don’t get why I’m being thanked and scolded.” She jokes, looking at Keith who’s preoccupied with other thoughts.

Based on slightly pink-tinted cheeks, she knows he’s thinking about Lance. She smiles, if he has to warn her like this then he’s still pretty defensive of Lance. He definitely still has it hard for Lance.

Keith isn’t sure where this conversation is heading but he feels like he has to tell Irene not to pull that stunt again. She knows him well enough to orchestrate these things without running it through him first but the fact is, she doesn’t know Lance. She isn’t certain about what Lance wants so Keith doesn’t want her to do anything that might make it awkward for him.

Keith pushes off the sand to get higher on the swing again, knowing the discussion is over with their silence. He cranks his neck up to look at the dark sky and let his thoughts wander.

_He graduated._

_He’s a university graduate now._

It feels unreal because despite this big step in his life, he doesn’t feel any different. There’s no urgency or rush to do things, to find a job, to be the adult Keith who functions well in the adult working world. He still feels like the university freshman Keith, walking around school with the campus map trying to find his class.

In two weeks, it’s going to be Irene’s turn to graduate. He hopes her graduation isn’t as hot as his. He managed to get her a ticket to his ceremony and she made sure to take all the appropriate photos as if she were his proud mom. He’s definitely going to return the favor and find kidney balloons in time for her graduation to embarrass her in front of her friends.

Before she graduates, her family and his Mom and him are going to London early to sightsee whatever they can. He can’t possibly see all of England in two weeks but Mom can’t stay for long. Uncle isn’t even coming because of his tight schedule so he could only make it to Keith’s. There’s never enough time for his family to be together because of work and this is the only part of the adult world that he feels accustomed to. So Keith will try to make the most of this short trip and whatever time they have together. Plus he can always come back in the future to England since he only has to worry about food and plane tickets because Irene provides the accommodation.

“So…is your Dad coming?” Keith asks, knowing this is a touchy and land-mine question but he has to be prepared for it if her Dad is.

Irene nods, her face turning cold and Keith offers her a small, comforting grin.

When Irene was young, she was close with her Dad, really close. She loved telling Keith about him, how great he is, what a wonderful doctor he is. However, him being a wonderful doctor came at a price and that price was the long hours at the hospital which led to her parent’s divorce when she was eleven. She lived with her Mom afterwards and grew distant from her Dad.

Keith knows her hostility towards him is founded on good reasons: even though he’s a busy neurosurgeon, he shouldn’t be too busy to be her Dad. So breaking the promises to see her, to go to the zoo with her, to be there for her on her birthdays, school recitals, family events is something Irene can’t accept. Eventually Irene rejected all of his invitations to go out because she accepted that he’s not her family anymore.

Keith thinks she stopped seeing her Dad to protect herself from the high expectations because the higher they are, the harder the fall, the more it hurts.

Irene’s mom was stuck in the middle and asked Keith to put in a good word for her Dad but he has a hard time getting Irene to listen because she’s so stubborn. To her, the word ‘dad’ has a negative connotation. Despite the nine years that Auntie’s been with Eric, her stepdad, Irene strictly thinks of him as her Mom’s husband. She doesn’t want to think of him as anything fatherly because anything that reminds her of her dad is bad. But Keith sees that Eric cares for her a lot, the way Eric talks to her in hopes of her warming up to him but she stubbornly refuses.

She states with a sour tone, “He insisted on going. Even took time out of his hectic schedule to attend.”

“He did help pay for your tuition and he’s making time to go…that’s good.” Keith remarks cautiously, not sure what to say because anything can tick her off.

When they were fifteen, Keith used the _'he is your dad'_ card and the conversation escalated into their first real argument, not their usual petty ones. Their fight was very one-sided since it was more so Irene livid at Keith for saying something so insensitive and Keith panicking because _Holy shit, what does he say? How does he save this situation?_ The fight didn’t last for long; when they were making up, Irene started crying and Keith was, once again, confused with Irene and her emotions. She was _sorry for being a bitch, sorry for getting mad at him and angry at the fact that her Dad still makes her unreasonable and sad._ It was then that Keith realized the Dad issue is a very sensitive and personal one to her, too personal for Keith to intervene with so he decided to not get involved.

Plus, what does he know about having a Dad?

Irene shrugs and starts swinging herself. Keith raises his eyebrow and watches her gain momentum. She definitely wants to say something but she’s holding back because she doesn’t want to be irrational Irene, especially in front of Keith. He bluntly states, “You’re still mad at him.”

Irene slows down until she comes to a halt. He knows she doesn’t want to be constantly upset over him and while he can’t get too involved, it’s something she has to face eventually. He sees a hint of a scowl on her lips and while it’s a hint, there are more obvious ones like the exasperation in her tight, white knuckles. She takes a deep breath and her face relaxes.

She speaks with an eloquent voice and affirms, “I’m not mad. I just hate how we have to act like a family even though he’s like a stranger to me…”

She sounds sad and Keith waits for her to continue because there’s more, he knows there’s more. She’s still angry despite what she says; she can only be this mad because she loves him just as much.

Irene says in a smaller, desperate voice, “Keith, nothing’s going to change so please.” _Drop it._

There’s pain in her voice and Keith tries to stop the pity from showing on his face by changing the topic.

“Did you like the planetarium?” He asks. While they were watching the show, he noticed how deep in thought she was while staring at the screen. Her eyes were teary when the speaker explained the constellations and he wants to know why.

“I did like it. We used to go there a lot when we were kids,” Irene says. “Things are still the same but I got so emotional watching the show like…I used to love stars and I still do but things are different now.”

Keith nods, remembering her space phase which managed to get them into trouble. They went on a leadership camp trip in middle school and it was his first trip away from the city. His first night there showed him the prettiest sky he’s ever seen. The sky was star-filled and everywhere he looked, he saw bright twinkles. The sight was something that could only belong in a dream because it was so beautiful and breath-taking—something that didn’t belong in reality and if Irene wasn’t with him, gripping his arm in awe then Keith was certain he was dreaming. 

She wanted to see the sky the second night but with the best view which is at the top of the hill. Of course, it was against school policy to go that far—the fact that him and Irene were out after lights-out was already a problem but it’s Irene who strives for nothing but the best and Keith was too mesmerized by the memories of the glistening sky to refuse. So with a map and flashlights, Irene and Keith wandered off to the hill to go stargazing. He absolutely had no regrets because the sky was even prettier than the night before. He didn’t think it was possible but the impossible is staring back at him with the brightly-lit sky and its endless chorus of stars. It was an amazing sight that Keith _still_ remembers until this day.

Though he also remembers coming back to so much trouble because they got caught. The teachers were more angered than their own parents because they were used to their shenanigans and were glad no one got hurt and no police were involved.

“You were so upset when Pluto was denounced a planet.” Keith laughs, remembering their five grade science project. She called dibs on Pluto and was excited that she got to do a project on her favourite planet. So she was very devastated when NASA announced it wasn’t a planet anymore.

“I really love space but it’s so lonely up there.” Irene stares at the sky with longing in her eyes. “The space mission to Pluto took 9 years alone, not to mention the trip back. That’s too much time…I can’t leave Mom and you for that long.”

Keith smiles at being included in the people she can’t be without. Everyone drops hints that Irene and him are too dependent on each other but there’s nothing wrong with relying on each other. In fact, Keith knows that what they feel is more than just simple ‘reliance.’

Keith needs Irene—it sounds weird but he understands their relationship and this is his best way of describing it. They both won’t let their relationship teeter to the point of over-dependency and if it does then they would talk it out to solve the problem because they are _that_ important to each other. Without a doubt, Keith knows that no matter what happens, no matter how far apart they are, she’ll be there for him just like she’s always been. She’s been with him for so long that Keith can’t imagine a life without her. When he was five, he lost Kyra, he was adopted by Mom and thankfully, he met her. When a kid goes through all of that, he doesn’t understand what’s happening, let alone what he needs. Luckily, Irene was there to grab his hand and make him play tag with the other church kids, to yell at him to hold on tight to the monkey bars or he’ll fall and break his arm like she did. She helped him settle into a new life with a new home, a new Mom and, honestly, things could have been so much worse but it wasn’t. So he’s glad Irene was there with her pigtails and missing front tooth.

And Keith knows Irene needs him too. She’s mused, _‘What would I do without you, Keith?’_ when they were in Paris last year and marveling over her opera cake. It was a moment of reflection for them because they were together after three years of minimal communication. They didn’t feel any longing during those three years but physically being in the same space made them realize how much they miss each other. She thought about him and her life with him, of hardships from her parents’ divorce to being abroad and alone in her first year of university. She’s always known this but she still wonders what she would do, who she would be if Keith wasn’t there for her through her difficult times. He’s not good at comforting people but to Irene, he’s more than enough. He knows what she needs to hear and asks her random questions about space and her dumb viruses, gives her small pats on the head, reassuring her that there are tough times but she’s tougher; if she doesn’t feel up for fighting then he’s here to fight for her and she knows he’s pretty tough. He has pulled her through those dark moments every time and she knows he will continue doing it as many times as it takes. She’s glad for the unfathomable trust between them that will never wane or break.

“So seeing the show about the constellations reminded me of that forgotten dream and I felt like I was burying my childhood dream. It’s like… _’Woah, I’m growing up and away from my childhood,’”_ She mutters, staring aimlessly at the sky and Keith follows her gaze to see the pitch black sky with white little specks.

“I know that feeling,” Keith says. It’s how he feels when he thinks about his archivist dream, of working in the museum. That dream feels so far away but it’s only been a little over a year since he’s changed his goal. It’s been his motivation for so long that it feels weird to be speaking about it in the past tense like a part of him is gone. “Growing up sucks.”

“I don’t usually agree but I miss our childhood so yeah, growing up sucks.”

Keith is surprised because she’s usually preaching about the glory of growing up, the new opportunities available to them. Maybe because of her bad childhood memories with her Dad, he felt that she couldn’t wait to grow up. However everyone goes down the road of nostalgia, to a time when things were simple and happiness was well within their reach, not something they have to work so tiredly for today. And it looks like Irene is no stranger to this path either.

“So what are your plans during your year off?” Keith questions. He knows Irene wants to do graduate school afterwards. She’s an overachiever and plans to do her Ph.D so who knows how long she’s going to slave away at school. It’s also a matter if she’s going to do it here or in London. So before she starts thinking about the complicated stuff, she’s taking a year off and plans to relax at home. Lucky for her, Keith wants a break too so he isn’t actively looking for a job yet so they can hang out after his internship.

“I want to travel.”

Keith’s eyes sparkles at the mentions of traveling. “Oh, where?”

“I’m going to teach English in Armenia for two months after my graduation. And then backpacking in Sri Lanka for another month,” Irene says, her eyes glistening too.

“I remember teaching used to be another one of your dreams.” As a child, Irene was fascinated with anything and everything. From what Keith remembers—he knows this is not the exhaustive list—she wanted to be an astronaut, a teacher, a doctor, a dance teacher, a researcher and a hair stylist.

“The teaching dream died fast,” Irene remarks lightly with a hint of laughter in her voice. “Even though I don’t plan on being a teacher but teaching in Armenia is a way for me to properly put that dream to rest and say that I’ve fulfilled it.”

“It’s good to see you going out and experiencing new things,” Keith praises. He’s never even heard of Armenia before so he wonders where it is, what it’s like there, and what the culture is.

“I’ve been tucked away in the lab for a long time so I have to get out.” Irene laughs and Keith smiles, happy that she’s taking things nice and easy.

“True, you did sell your soul to the lab.” She spent her weekends at the lab and even worked there for many summers, foregoing the chance to go home. It’s a mystery as to how she still has friends.

“Though there is a bit of an issue,” Irene adds but she doesn’t sound concern at all.

“What’s up?” Keith asks warily, not sure what to expect.

“My mom is nervous about me going to Sri Lanka alone—which I wasn’t planning on doing since…I have you.”

“What?”

“Come with me on the trip.”

“What?” Keith deadpans, giving her a chance to take back her words.

“Keith.”

Keith gives her the look, the _no bullshit_ look and rejoinders, “Irene, you cannot just spring a huge trip on me like this, especially when I have to leave for my internship in like two months and I have to stop by London for your graduation before that.”

Keith plants his feet in the sand to stop himself from swinging. It’s going to be busy for him because he has to pack for London and he has to prepare for his internship with the vaccines and visa. Now she wants him to prepare for Sri Lanka? He does not like the idea of flying back and forth between three different continents within the span of half a year.

“We’ll go after your internship. Please Keithhhh,” Irene pleads, purposely stretching out the Keith. She gets off the swing to walk over to him and shake his arm. “It’ll be so great. Sri Lanka is the teardrop of the Indian Ocean. Plus Nirosh and Yuresha are in Sri Lanka so we can visit them.”

Yuresha’s their high school friend whose graduation they went to last week. It was Keith’s first time talking to her since they graduated high school so it was nice catching up. She’s more of Irene and Pidge’s friend so he came there to mainly say ‘hi’ but they promised to meet up when she came back from traveling. Though he didn’t know she was going to Sri Lanka.

He’s closer to Nirosh because they were in the same science classes in their junior and senior years of high school. They even attend the same university and sat beside each other in second biochemistry. They cursed the course together but come third year then Nirosh seemed to be going through a hard time with his biology major so he focused on his psychology one instead while Keith enrolled in courses for his international relations major so they didn’t see each other a lot.

“Damn, what’s Nirosh doing in Sri Lanka?” Keith asked, astonished. This was news to him, though he’s not surprised that Irene somehow managed to connect with him to find this out.

“He’s working for some design company,” Irene replies. “He said he needed a change of scenery and a break from school so he took fourth year off and got an internship. Yuresha’s there to see him and for vacation since she has family there.”

“That’s a big change of scenery alright…” Keith remarks in awed. “Wait, Yuresha and Nirosh are that close?” He doesn’t remember Nirosh saying he had a girlfriend. Even though Nirosh and Yuresha were together a lot in high school, they didn’t seem to have that kind of relationship.

Irene arches her brow in surprise and jeers at Keith. “Are you serious?”

“What?” Keith questions, genuinely confused.

“They’re cousins,” Irene deadpans. Keith’s mouth forms a ‘o’ and nods in understanding but Irene is still mocking him. “Keith, how did you not know? The whole school knew.”

Keith is baffled at her accusation and rolls his eyes. “I don’t hang out with your crowd, you know this Irene.” Their school is big and Keith only kept up with his own group of friends, so the affairs of the entire student population is out of his realm of interest. Somehow, Irene managed to be very in-tune with the latest gossip and tries to fill Keith in but he forgets, doesn’t care or doesn’t listen.

“You’re friends with Nirosh!” Irene cries, perplexed.

“It doesn’t mean I ask about his family,” Keith rebuts and she sighs.

“Anyway, now you know. You told Yuresha you guys would keep in contact so we should visit her and see how Nirosh’s doing, maybe cheer him up,” Irene comments. Keith looks at her devious grin, feeling like he walked into her carefully crafted cobweb. He knows he’s stuck and can’t get out any time soon. “They can also show us around.”

He does want to see how Nirosh is doing but he’s sure messaging him would also suffice. Though it would be nice to have someone show them around in Sri Lanka so they’re not wandering around like lost tourists but Sri Lanka is _just so far away._ He’s seen the culture on television since Bollywood is the biggest film industry in the world. He’s been over at his Nirosh’s house for a meal and almost cried at how spicy their food was but he can’t deny that it’s a good kind of spicy. Yet, Sri Lanka, the place itself, remains a far-off land to him.

He shakes her hand off and huffs in defeat, “It sounds like you came prepared to convince me.” He can’t say he’s too surprised though. When Irene wants something, she works hard to get it.

“Even if Mom wasn’t wary of me going alone, I planned on getting you in on it anyway.” She grabs his arm again and he pulls it away from her again.

To be honest, he doesn’t like the idea of Irene going to Sri Lanka alone since the public safety isn’t the best—especially for a lone female traveler but it doesn’t mean Keith would volunteer to go with her. The best course of action would be to persuade her to go elsewhere because he can’t let her push him around too much but that alternative has yet to work.

He also knows that traveling with Irene would be a worthwhile trip because nothing’s going to be boring with her. Keith remembers last year’s experience in Europe and he honestly loved it; a big part of that love was being able to catch up with Irene. He really took his time with her for granted so when she left for London, he realized the strange feeling he got when he talked to her afterwards was simply him missing her.

“Irene…” Keith hesitates, not sure what to say. He didn’t think he’d be vacationing so soon so his mind’s not prepared to travel. Though it is his goal to travel more, to see more of the world so maybe it won’t be so bad to go, especially with Irene.

“Leave all the planning to me. I’ll tell you what you need to pack so all you have to do is hop on the plane,” Irene insists, holding his arm again but this time, Keith doesn’t shrug her off. “Please, please come!”

“You know I won’t let you do everything by yourself.”

“Does that mean you’re coming?” Irene exclaims, her face glowing with excitement. Keith nods and Irene gives him a big, warm hug to thank him. He doesn’t push her away and smiles, accepting her hug.

And just like that, Keith is being reeled in and taken advantage of by Irene…again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***While I was very proud of coming up with Keithy, I saw elentori's pawtron art and saw her label Keith as Keitten. So I really wanted to include it in my fanfic. Here's a link to her wonderful art!
> 
> Despite the ups and downs this year, I realized writing is something very important to me. So I plan on continuing this fic, no mater how long it takes! A lot happens in this chapter with Keith finally dipping his feet into the international health care sector, all of them graduating and truly finding themselves in this mission called life. Lance and Keith are leaving university with regrets but every decision they make or don't make comes with regrets—it just matters which regrets they are okay with.
> 
> Also Matt happened so I gotta thank season 4 for that. I wanted to have Matt in the picture more because I _adore_ him but with how this story is focused on Keith and Lance, it's not possible so I decided to pair him with Irene and since Irene is important to Keith, I get to write more Matt, haha. 
> 
> As always, I hope you lovelies enjoyed this chapter and look out for the next week! it's the last one in this "prologue" that leads up to the main events—yes, everything that happened in the last 10 chapter can be considered a "prologue" because we aren't even at the core of the story yet. ;D


	10. Rude Awakening

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's finally summer break so i spent the rest of this week editing this fic ;___; bc my chapters are so long (10k+), it takes a long longer to edit. 
> 
> admittedly, this chapter took a long time to write as well with so many things happening with lance and keith. you guys might get angry but this chapter marks the halfway point of the story!!! i don't know if you guys have read the klance week day 4 story then we're moving onto the future now 8D!!!!!!!! woot woot!! so i wanted to end this segment well so i rewrote a lot of scenes, made a lot of changes in plot and what to add.

 

There are a lot of flashes at graduation and Lance is trying not to blink in any of the photos. Graduating is a big deal, a big step in his life and his family wants to make the most out of it, starting with the boisterous cheers as he walked across the stage to receive his bachelor’s degree. Lance doesn’t mind the extra attention but it does get embarrassing with them taking not-so-pretty shots of him talking.

Even though they went to Mira’s graduation a few weeks ago, their energy for his graduation is just as zealous. Lance is touched that Miles took time off work to make it to his graduation. It looks like a small thing but it means a lot to Lance, considering how some people wouldn’t hesitate to bend backwards for any chance to make extra money. Though Lance can’t forget to give credit for Azura for coming to his graduation because he knows this is a busy time for her with summer coming up, so there are more functions and events but he also knows she loves coming to his university because she can study the interior design of the rooms. But he doesn’t doubt for a second that she wouldn’t miss his graduation for the world.

“Lancey, turn your head this way!” Azura yells and Lance turns to face the camera in her hand, giving her his million dollar smile. “Don’t look directly at the camera, just move your head a bit to the left, act natural—yes! Perfect!”

He hears the shuttle sounds from the camera and he knows she’s moving all over the place to get better angles of him. He seriously wonders if giving her, a perfectionist, a camera was a good idea. She’s taking her job way too seriously. Lance doesn’t have time to ponder the idea further because Mom is front of him, fussing about his collar and straightening his tie. He doesn’t think much of her nagging until she touches his face and tenderly tells him in a small and choked voice, “I’m very proud of you.”

There are hints of tears in her eyes and suddenly, Lance has trouble keeping his at bay. He has her warm eyes and he wonders if they glow bright with compassion like hers are right now. He knows her words ring true and she is so proud of him and this makes him feel all kinds of sentimental.

“Aww Mom,” Lance mumbles in a soft voice and she hugs him tightly. He hugs her back and tries hard to keep himself composed from the warmth of her hug. He isn’t going to let himself cry like he did at his high school graduation—Azura brings up those photos every time and he wants to forget they ever existed because he had snot and tears running down his face, it wasn’t a pleasant sight.

The people around him pull him out of his thoughts and his eyes travel beyond them, to the other happy graduates and their happier family. He doesn’t know who most of them are but he feels proud to be a part of this crowd. They’ve graduated, they’ve finished this part of their journey and they’re off to the next stages in their life.

_He did it._

_He made it through these long, hard years and graduated._

“You’ve worked hard for this,” Mom says, echoing his thoughts and Lance closes his eyes, believing her. He tells himself to accept the praises, this moment to appreciate himself and his hard-work. He got a lot of support along the way but he wouldn’t be standing here if he didn’t put effort into it—he needs to remember this.

“Thank you, Mom.” He leans down to kiss her on the cheeks. She touches his cheek one more time before Lance realizes that his bachelor folder isn’t in his hands anymore. In fact, they’re empty and he doesn’t even know when it left his hands. His eyes search and they land on Celia with his bachelor’s degree, currently holding it and admiring it.

“Don’t drop it, four years of sweat and blood was exchanged for this paper,” Lance teases, leaning his arm on her shoulder and Celia smiles at him. He stares at his bachelor’s degree, seeing his _Classical Civilization and Mathematical Studies double major_ on it. Despite the hardship and breakdowns at 3am, he loves both disciplines very much. Studying is always going to be hard but it’s more bearable when he’s studying what he loves and he’s lucky to be one of those people. He’s lucky to say his degree isn’t for naught and something he earned out of passion and vigor.

School is something stressful but it provides him with this comfortable cycle. He glances at the commencement hall and sometimes wishes he didn’t have to leave but then he remembers that there’s a whole other world out there, there are opportunities for him to learn and grow. He just has to be brave enough to take the first step.

“Congrats Lance. These two majors weren’t easy but at the same time, it’s so like you to do something like this.” Celia chirps, closing the bachelor cover to hand it back to him.

“Expect the unexpected from me,” Lance coos, tucking his degree safely under his arm. He encourages her by giving her shoulder a gentle squeeze. “It’ll be you some day, surprising us with what you have and I’m ready to be amazed.” She enthusiastically nods, excitement glowing in her eyes for her own graduation day to come.

Celia still doesn’t know what she wants to do yet but she’s set to start school this September at the local university in the social science program. Coming to Lance and Mira’s university opened her eyes to a whole new world and let her see that there _is_ more to their little town. She’s been here several times since it’s not too far from home but she’s always been a visitor, and visiting a place is different from actually living there. Their university is practically a community of its own with how big their campus is and walking down the busy streets makes her feel suffocated and closed in. The school is too much for her, too overwhelming for her stimulus.

It surprised Lance when she told him about her university choice because she’s always moving around, wanting to try new things so he thought she’d love being at their university with its boundless opportunities. But when she told him she prefers the comforts of a small tight-knit university, he didn’t ask further.

It’s a choice she made on her own and Lance trusts that she knows herself best. He’s more than overjoyed that she’s thinking for herself so he encourages her agency.

There’s a gentle touch on his arm and Lance smiles fondly, knowing who it is. “Hi Grandma and Grandpa,” he says and turns to immediately face them.

They’re both sporting big grins of their own. Grandma’s holding onto his arm while Grandpa has already snatched Lance’s degree out of his hands to marvel at it. Lately, Grandpa’s been interested in epic poems and Lance is more than happy to talk about the myths and the underlying homosexuality nuances to them. When they talk about history then their conversations are far from over.

“You never fail to make me proud,” Grandma says earnestly, her hands sliding down from his arms to hold his hands. “Though I’d expect nothing less from my grandchildren.”

Lance chuckles, remembering those words like a distant echo from his childhood. She’s told him this so many times and every time, she means it. “Of course, your genes work wonders. Thank you.”

_Thank you for believing in him._

“I will always support you, no matter what.” He leans down so she can kiss him on the forehead and he nods.

It’s her promise to him, to keep believing in him, and she always keeps it.

Soon Lance has to talk about his favourite Greek God to entertain both of them before Hunk finds him in the crowd. His presence itself calls for some quality family photos which sparks another manic photographer phase in Azura. Hunk offers to take the camera so they can have a family photo and they don’t resist.

Lance shortly finds his cheeks being pinched by Azura and Mira. Even though he’s all grown up, he’s still their adorable and annoying little brother.

“Can you guys knock it off?” Lance whines, pushing both of their hands away.

“But you’re so cute,” Mira teases, patting his face affectionately and she smiles. Lance decides to forgive Mira but not Azura which Azura is perfectly okay with it.

While Lance is rubbing his cheeks, he sees Pidge and her family coming towards them with Shiro in toll. Shiro and Matt’s been together since middle school so he’s like an honorary son to the Holt family.

“Congratulations Lance,” Shiro greets and puts a steady hand on his shoulder. Lance beams because being told this by Shiro, someone who he admires, means a lot to him. Lance’s eyes land on Matt and Pidge, two perfect peas in a pod. They’re laughing along with each other and Lance knows he can’t join in on their conversation. They’re both overly passionate with what they love which happens to be the same things with the coding, calculations and computers. Matt followed their passion and decided to incorporate his love for space in his future so he applied for a masters in aerospace engineering. Though, he took a year off but he’s set to start school this coming September so Pidge is hanging off his arm with every chance she gets before he’s whisked away into research.

Pidge is to Matt like what Poppy is to Lance.

There’s a devilish grin on Lance’s face because he wants to ask Matt about his progress with Irene just to mock him and see his surprised, gawking face but he holds back because the Holt parents are there and their teasing is more relentless, especially their father’s.

Allura trickles in with drinks for everyone, including Lance’s family which is very generous of her so there’s no need for introductions because everyone already likes her so they don’t need to know her name. So she mingles into the crowd nicely.  

Suddenly Azura jabs him with her pointy elbow and he yelps. He’s ready to yell at her when she leans in to whisper, “I see Keith, 4 o’clock.”

Lance’s face gets hot and he elbows her back defensively and hisses, “Stop being weird about him.” He unconsciously looks in the 4 o’clock direction and sees Keith heading his way, with Irene of course but there’s no arm-linking today. Lance quickly looks away before he meets Keith’s eyes but he sees Azura grinning from the corner of his eyes and he curses under his breath.

 _She totally caught him staring._  

“Now you’re conscious of him.” Azura points out the obvious and chuckles at Lance’s bashful reaction. She pokes his face but unlike Mom’s touches, she’s doing it to spite him. 

She is merciless and mean. 

He shoots her a glare and whines, “You ass, why did you point him out to me then?” Azura stares at him for a while, smiling without giving an answer. “You are awful.” 

“You think I’m awful?” She taunts and pulls him into a tight headlock. Azura used to do this all the time when they were younger, when Lance was being ‘difficult’ or so she says but now that he’s taller than her, it’s awkward because he’s forced to bend down so she can bully him like this.

“I’m only letting you do this because you’re my sister,” Lance yells, flailing his arms as she rubs her knuckles deep into his hair. 

“Mom told you guys to cut it out,” Damian cuts their silly match short while sipping on his iced tea. He stirs the tea with his straw, watching them fight just like when they were young. Lance always loses to Azura, in part because he respects her and because if Azura loses now then Lance is really in for a tough time. Nothing has changed in the way they act. Damian curiously looks at Keith, watching the person Lance loves and innocently remarks, “He’s cute.” 

“Who?” Azura asks and follows Damian’s gaze and lets out a knowing “Ahh.” 

 _It’s Keith._  

Lance rolls his eyes, using his hands to pull both of their faces away from at Keith. “Are you two done playing me?” He retorts and turns to Damian. “You’re a little late to be entering your rebellion phase.” 

“I’m not being rebellious.” Damian protests and slaps Lance’s hands away from his face. He looks at Keith again and insists, “He _is_ cute.” 

“Stop or you’re not my favourite brother anymore.” 

Damian looks at Lance, baffled and cries, “I’m your _only_ brother” 

This time, Lance smirks and the grin scares Damian. “Hunk is going to be my favourite brother if you keep this up.” Damian looks shocked that Lance would bring up Hunk and Lance wins. “So don’t make it weird with Keith.”

Azura elbows Lance again and he would use his degree to shield himself if it wasn’t something important so he lets her boney elbow hit him. “Speak for yourself, Lancey. Your secret peeks are making me uncomfortable.” 

Damian snorts in response, his laughter echoing Azura’s laughter. Lance was worried of Celia being a third Azura after Poppy but he completely forgot about Damian. From the looks of things, after a year of college and living with Azura, Damian has totally become her disciple. Well, he has to give it to her for taking care of him while he was terribly homesick during his first year of college. 

“He’s coming this way,” Damian warns under his breath, his voice sounding serious yet mocking. 

Lance groans, suddenly tired of dealing with these two misfits. “You two pretend that you’re mute.” 

“You owe me dinner then,” Azura whispers back. 

“No eating out.” Damian objects, nudging Lance again and again because _red alert,_ _Keith is getting closer!_  

“Okay, movies on me. Just shut up,” Lance snaps and they’re both nodding vigorously. Damian even makes the effort of making a zipping motion across his lips and Lance rolls his eyes.   

Lance forgets about Keith so when he turns to look in his direction, they lock eyes and Lance should look away but he can’t bring himself to. And neither can Keith so this is a good sign. He gets the confidence to raise his hand to wave him over and Keith shyly waves back. Keith doesn’t get the hint and Lance has to gesture for him to come over again. Irene whispers something to Keith and he blushes before he slowly heads over with his eyes on the ground, hiding his face. 

“He’s a bit slow,” Azura comments, trying to sound polite and Damian snickers. 

 “Shut up.”

 

***

 

Keith looks at the people around Lance and recognizes his siblings. It’s easy to spot Damian because he and Lance are the only sons. He looks like Lance with the lanky limps and relaxed features but his hair is longer and wavy at the end. Lance has always kept his hair short so Keith always thought his hair was straight but if he grew it out, Keith wonders if it’ll be wavy too? 

Then there’s a shorter woman beside Lance and Damian. Her sharp eyes and her poised look tells him it’s Azura. She was teasing Lance earlier with the headlock while Lance was yelping for help. Keith’s sure they caught everyone’s attention and Keith smiled at their playful relationship. Lance used to complain about her a lot in comparison to his other older, much nicer, sister, Mira. Azura’s naggy, stingy, and high maintenance but Keith can tell Lance really looks up to her. 

From the corner of his eyes, Keith catches someone else looking at him—a girl, she looks like Azura so she’s probably one of Lance’s siblings. He doesn’t recognize her but she’s with Lance’s grandparents so Keith guesses that she’s the youngest McClain. He remembers her name, Poppy. He’s not sure why she’s giving him a dirty look but he’s intimidated by a high schooler. It’s not that she’s physically menacing but there’s this unrest in her eyes, as if she’s curious about him but at the same time, repulsed. He remembers Lance gloating about Poppy following him a lot when they were younger so Keith guesses her glares are because she loves Lance so Keith doesn’t take her behavior personally—at least, he tries not to. 

“You are late in coming to congratulate me,” Lance teases when Keith comes within hearing range. The blush is gone from Keith’s face and replace with a hard frown when he registers that Lance is poking fun at him; this process takes a while because Keith is undoubtedly a bit slow. 

“Sorry, I had to talk to my manager about a project,” Keith says, looking at Lance then averting his gaze again when their eyes meet. 

For some reason, Keith feels nervous talking to Lance with his siblings here and this isn’t even all of them. Irene’s here to help him relax but he still feels uneasy. Also, it doesn’t help that Lance looks nice in his graduation gown, all bubbly and happy but Keith can never say this out loud. _Never._  

Irene taps his foot with her sneakers, her way of telling him to stop with his blatant ogling and he gives her a small frown. 

“You’re still working at the library?” Lance asks, surprised because he knows Allura’s work contract ended before the exam season. But Keith’s still working? He’s always been responsible so he wouldn’t hesitate to lend a hand, even after his contract is over, so this earns more of Lance’s respect. 

“Yeah, I am. It’s a big project so they didn’t want to change the team members. It’s going to wrap up before my internship and I’ll be working at home so it’s not too bad,” Keith explains, as if he needed to justify his actions. He’s just jumpy. And the multiple pairs of eyes staring at him in awe, in surprise or in peculiarity doesn’t help ease his nerve. 

“Wow, you’re hard-working,” Azura remarks, her statement resonating with all of their thoughts. 

Keith makes it sound like it’s nothing but to stay on after school ended takes commitment. Keith didn’t have to continue helping them but he does because he cares for his colleague and the project. This is a big translation project that he’s been working on it for a year and they’re so close to finishing it so he doesn’t want the project to slow down for anything. Plus, he doesn’t like the idea of someone else continuing his work so he wants to see to it until the end. 

“It’s really nothing,” Keith insists and looks in Lance’s direction to gauge his reaction. He gets a content and reassuring nod from Lance and Keith feels confident in his decision.   

Azura gives Lance a look, both of her eyebrows raised as if she’s signaling something. Lance catches her signal and straightens up. “Right, this is my eldest sister, Azura,” Lance introduces and flicks his thumb backwards to point at Damian. “And my little brother, Damian.” 

“I’m his _only_ brother,” Damian proudly corrects Lance and Lance rolls his eyes. 

Keith and Irene burst out laughing at Damian’s cunning remark and Damian smiles cheekily at Lance. 

“This is Irene,” Keith says in a short and simple manner, doing a bad job at introducing Irene. 

“His friend,” Irene quickly adds. She turns to Keith, laughing and scolds, “Do you think everyone can read your mind or something and know that we’re friends?” Keith helplessly shrugs and Lance smiles at their small banter. 

Lance’s mind wanders off when they’re both congratulating him and Azura and Damian keep them busy. They’re getting along now but Lance can’t help but remember that this family introduction was supposed to happen last summer when Keith was supposed to visit them for Mira’s wedding. Though, Lance thinks, having things turn out this way isn’t so bad after all. At least Keith is comfortable with Azura and Damian so this is the best situation that he can hope for. Though his siblings are so painfully aware of Keith and his every actions, Lance is sure Keith notices the extra attention and is jittery from it. 

“Hey Lance!” Mira calls him excitedly. She squeezes herself between Damian and him and puts her hand on his shoulder. “Grandpa wants to visit the rare book collections so I’m—oh hello.” She stops mid-way in her sentence, realizing that it’s not just their family here. 

“This is my second sister, Mira,” Lance says automatically and he smiles when she squeezes his shoulder. “And this is Keith and Irene.” 

“Hello.” 

“Hi.” 

Keith and Irene reply simultaneously. Lance sees Keith’s eyes grow big, looking like a deer caught in the headlight as more of his family come into the picture. He looks at Mira for help and she nods, understanding his subliminal message instantly—she knows the cue after what Miles went through. 

“Sorry, I can’t stay for long since my Grandpa wants to see the rare books collection. I came to fetch them”—Mira gestures at her siblings—“though Lance, you stay to talk with your friends,” Mira lies, grabbing Damian’s wrist so he can catch the hint. Azura already knows what’s happening so there’s no need for Mira to do anything. 

Lance watches as his siblings leave, and sighs in relief that Mira’s here. She always knows how to fix the situation and he’s glad that he can rely on her in times like this. 

Lance sees Keith subtly knock his fist against Irene’s wrist and she gives his hand a quick squeeze to comfort him. His tense shoulders relax in response and this happens so naturally that it almost goes unnoticed by anyone who isn’t intentionally watching them. There’s jealousy bubbling in Lance when he sees this but at the same time, he’s glad Irene’s here because he can’t comfort Keith like this. Although Poppy, albeit being far from them, isn’t making things easier for Keith with her blatant staring. 

Now Keith is noticeably calmer and can actually manages to hold Lance’s glaze whenever they happen to meet, which happens a lot, instead of quickly diverting them like Lance has the plague. 

“So where are the balloons?” Lance questions. Irene laughs and Keith rolls his eyes.

“Don’t remind me of it,” Keith brusquely replies and Lance knows it’s a joke but his harsh tone suggests otherwise but still, Lance forces a smile. From the corner of Lance’s eyes, he sees Matt peering at them, or more precisely at Irene. He opens his mouth to help him out but Pidge walks into his vision and noticeably, towards them, looking tired and pained for some reason. 

“My mom wants photos,” she says, the one line explaining her fatigue. Pidge’s Mom is adorable with how much she dots over Pidge, the youngest in the Holt family but Pidge doesn’t like the doting. Though despite her Mom’s hounding, Pidge always listens and tries to make her happy. 

“I call dibs on the first honorary Punk graduation shot!” Hunk yells, interrupting his own conversation with Shiro and Allura and races over to take the photo. Lance contemplates running after Hunk for a photo but he looks at Keith and contemplates staying with him longer—he doubts he’ll ever get a chance like this after graduation. 

Irene stares at Keith and then at Lance and then at the tension between them. It’s still high and Keith’s short and crude comments aren’t helping. He’s anxious and when he gets anxious, he gets rude but Lance is doing well handling this side of Keith. Though it pains her to see Lance’s polite smile but she knows better than to butt in like last time. So when Irene catches Pidge’s eyes, they both nod in understanding.   

“Hey, I’m going to take a photo with Pidge,” Irene says. “And again, congratulation on graduating, Lance.” She deliberately wanders off before Keith or Lance can protest. She feels Keith staring at her back and her ridiculously obvious exit but she knows he’ll thank her later. 

“It’s nice seeing Pidge being mom-ed,” Lance comments, purposely dragging his words out while his brain tries to find possible conversation starters. Small talk is not something Keith appreciates but he doesn’t know what other tactics to use. “Considering how she’s so snarky with us.” 

Keith laughs, it _is_ nice seeing Pidge being nagged at and not be able to bark back. “Yeah, it is.” 

“So what plans are after internship? Work?”

Keith pauses to look at Lance. It’s the first time he’s expressed any interest in Keith’s career and the sincerity in his voice also shows on his face. Keith wonders if he can be honest with Lance or if Lance’s just asking out of courtesy. If it’s out of courtesy then Lance probably doesn’t want the full details. 

Keith chooses to believe in honest Lance because Keith wants to believe that Lance is genuinely interested in Keith’s career. It’s also easier for Keith to be truthful than to dance around a topic and leave out specific details so Lance doesn’t get hurt. Keith isn’t cunning enough to pull that off. “I’m traveling after my internship.” 

“Where to?”  Lance questions. There’s piquing interest in Lance’s eyes when Keith mentions _‘traveling’_ and he’s really listening now. Keith beams and gains more confidence to go into more detail about his trip. 

“I’m going to Sri Lanka with Irene. We’re going to _try_ backpacking.” 

They both laugh because they both know Keith’s clearly uncertain when it comes to backpacking. 

“No offense but what do you mean _‘try backpacking?’_ ” Lance teases with amusement and Keith laughs again. Lance knows Keith can live modestly but he’s never heard of Keith camping, let alone backpacking. So he doesn’t know if Keith is up for it but Irene seems capable so Lance has faith in her.

“I’m not going to raise the bars too high.” There’s an unspeakable _“you know me”_ undertone in Keith’s voice and they’re slowly slipping back into the good old times of light banter and fluent conversations. 

“I’m a bit worried now but I think Irene will manage.” 

“Why do you have faith in Irene and not me?” Keith exclaims, jealous that Lance thinks more highly of Irene than he does of him. Lance gives him a knowing look, the _have you seen yourself_ look and Keith gets an inkling of what Lance’s alluding to. Still, he doesn’t like Lance’s implication. 

Lance lightens up at Keith’s pout. He can get very uncharacteristically childish sometimes. Looking at him now, Lance sees the change in Keith happening very imminently. He used to never leave the house except for work and school but now, he’s going out of his way for every chance to see the world. Looking at Keith discovering this new side to himself, Lance knows he’ll love the trip to Sri Lanka. Keith’s capable of great things and while Lance knew this and was undeniably proud of him for it, he didn’t think it’ll take Keith so far away. From him. 

“I know you’ll manage too,” Lance elbows him and Keith smiles, happy now.

“Thanks, I’ll come back alive just to show you,” Keith tells him but now, he’s stumped because how is he supposed to continue the conversation. He can bring up Lance’s major because complimenting him would be reasonable and natural but Keith doesn’t know how to compliment Lance without getting too deep and weirdly earnest. It’s how he’s always been—he’s always too much or too little and nowhere in-between. Ultimately, Keith decides to takes a stab at small-talk and hopes that it’s enough to continue sparking the conversation. “But first,” Keith comments, “I have to live through the internship before I get to Sri Lanka.” 

“You’ll get through that too. I know you will,” Lance praises and Keith glows, perking up instantly like a sunflower who finally found the sun and their bright rays. Hearing Lance _finally_ expressing some positivity towards his dream means a lot to Keith, especially since he knows Lance doesn’t like the idea of it. Still, Lance is wishing him well and this makes Keith happy, so happy. If he can be selfish then he wanted Lance to have this reaction when they were together, not some flabbergasted and confused _“oh.”_ But Keith can’t be selfish so he’ll take what he can get—even if all he gets are Lance’s well-wishes when what he wants the most is their relationship back in full and beautiful bloom like before. 

“Thank you Lance,” Keith replies, hoping that Lance can read the sincerity in his short three words. 

The unexpected softness in Keith’s voice surprises Lance. He was almost getting used to Keith’s weird courteous and gruff speech but now Keith sounds cheery, his voice high with glee. There’s a part of Lance that sinks because anything that reminds Keith of his dream shoots him to cloud nine where he’s in complete bliss. And Lance is glad Keith found what makes him shine with enthusiasm, he really is happy for him but still, Lance wishes he meant more to Keith. If Keith had hesitated—even a little bit—when he thought of his dream because he didn’t want to leave Lance then it would have made Lance shamefully happy. Though this is Lance being childishly selfish and is another reason why Lance ended their relationship. He could never forgive himself if Keith started doubting his dream because of him.    

So now, Lance just wishes for Keith to continue being comfortable and happy. He doesn’t like the unsettled way that Keith talks to him now after the break-up but it’s not in Lance’s place to pick and choose what things he likes about Keith and what he wants to change. So Lance accepts that the Keith he sees now after the break-up is the Keith he’ll see now and forever. It’s a compromise and a closure he’s okay with because no matter what versions of Keith he gets, as long as Keith is happy then Lance is happy. 

The atmosphere is quiet with both of them lost in their thoughts about each other. Keith realizes that he forgot common social etiquette and asks, “How about you, what are your plans for the summer?” 

The random interest in Lance’s future catches him off guard and he realizes how dull his summer plans are in comparison to Keith’s ambitious travels. “I’m staying at the bar. Gotta pay off my loans.” Lance shrugs nonchalantly. 

“Oh, is the bar a long term thing?” This is the first time Keith’s had a relatively straight-forward conversation about Lance’s future. Before their break-up, Lance didn’t know what he wanted to pursue so he changed the topics whenever Keith brought it up.

“Geez Keith, I’m still in my graduation gown,” Lance teases, hoping to change the topic. It’s pathetic of him to be in the same situation after so long, to still be working at the bar, to still be lost about his place in the world.   

“Oh, my bad. Sorry,” Keith apologizes, realizing that he over-stepped his boundaries. He’s now seeing the dead-end in their conversation because Lance looks uncomfortable, as if he would rather be anywhere but here, talking with Keith about his future.

Hearing the apology from Keith felt wrong so Lance tries to desperately fix it: “Wait, I didn’t mean—” 

“Keith! Lance! Photo time!” Pidge bellows, waving frantically at them. Pidge’s timing couldn’t be any more worse because before Lance could utter another word, Keith already started walking over, probably glad to get out of that conversation. 

And Lance stays back, disappointed at how their conversation is ending.

Their last conversation in a really long time.

_Fuck, he messed up._

_Badly._

 

***

 

Keith paces around the hallway outside the Choi family’s kitchen. They invited Keith and Mom over for dinner today but Mom can’t sit still so she’s in charge of making the soup for dinner tonight. While she’s prepping in the kitchen, he’s wondering if he should ambush Mom and ask his pressing question now or later. 

“Keith, is there something you want specifically for dinner today or?” Mom teases, hearing his footsteps outside the kitchen. Keith stops in his track, deciding that the time to ask the question is now. 

“No, not dinner. I think the soup you’re making is good,” Keith compliments, coming into the kitchen to stand beside her and the pot of soup. Mom chuckles and hands Keith the ladle to stir the soup—the only kitchen duty he happily obliges to. 

“You don’t even know what soup I’m making.” 

“I know it’ll be good,” Keith says with absolute confidence, stirring the soup and jokes, “Though don’t tell Auntie.” He can’t forsake his other Mother who also raised him by complimenting this one. 

“So son, what is it you want to talk about?” 

“Well…” Keith starts, “I checked my bank account this morning and saw a large amount of money transferred in. Do you know anything about it?” Keith knows only one person who would have done this but he wants to make sure it’s really her before he grills her about the money, why the money’s there and most importantly, how to get the money out. 

“You know I did it,” Mom states knowingly and Keith nods. “It’s the money that Kyra and Liam left behind for you.” 

Things don’t add up about Keith’s deceased parents so he questions, “I thought Liam passed away unexpectedly so how…?” _could they have this money?_  

Mom laughs, Keith’s curious face still holding the same naïve charm he’s always had since young, a look that strikingly resembles Kyra’s. 

“Because of their jobs, they’re always traveling out and about” Mom explains, a fact Keith knows very well about his landscape photographer mother and pilot father. “But when they decided to have you, they made a promise that one parent has to stay at home with you at all times.” 

Keith doesn’t remember much about his late parents but he knows their profession and their undeniable love to travel which they loved so much that they did it for a living. 

“Wow…” Keith replies gawkily. 

Whenever they talk about them, Keith is rendered speechless. They both loved him so much yet Keith doesn’t remember them. He was too young when they passed away so all he has are photographs and videos of their mundane day-to-day life. He even has Kyra’s old photographs and magazine articles that published her photos and writings but there’s only so much he can understand about her through her pictures and words. There’s even less memories of Liam since his parents passed away when he was little so all Keith has of Liam are photos from his caretaker or fragmented home videos of him and Keith taken by Kyra. Still, Keith cherishes those keepsake of Liam very much. Seeing Liam trying to feed Keith but he refuses then Liam looking at the camera for desperate help, the strolls in the park Liam took him on—those moments are so precious to Keith. He would have been a cool father to look up while growing up. 

“That was my reaction too. I thought Kyra would have never settled down since she seemed so active; she’s always flying around taking photos in the middle of nowhere but there she was, getting married in a flash and eagerly embracing motherhood. She started accepting only local projects but Liam was more impulsive.” Mom laughs. “Your impulsive nature is definitely from him. He wanted more control of his schedule so he could be home more often so he switched from being an airline pilot to a corporate pilot” 

Keith smiles sadly, wishing that he at least had _some_ memories of them, any would be fine but he doesn’t. His biological parents loved him so much, shifted so many parts of their life around because he became their new dream. A part of him regrets and feels ashamed for forgetting them. 

“When you first called Kyra _‘mom,’_ she told me it was the most surreal thing. It was more magical than any mountains she’d climb or any sunsets she’d seen. She immediately wanted to quit her job to focus on raising you but they decided to save up a bit of money to be more financially secure.” She then stares heavily into the distance and sighs. Mom loves talking about them because it gives her a chance to remember them so Keith tries not to interrupt her during these moments. 

“Then Liam passed away and she couldn’t leave her job,” Keith finishes the sentence for Mom and she nods. Keith knows Liam passed away in a car accident so it was very unexpected and Kyra wasn’t prepared. It’s not as if the two meek words “car accident” can contain all the shock and complicated emotions Kyra felt. It’s too simple, too patronizing to Kyra to just call Liam’s passing a “car accident.” It was a devastation, one of the greatest heart-breaks because she lost someone so dear to her. But unfortunately, she didn’t have time to grieve because of Keith. 

“Yes, you were only two years old when he left. Kyra never spoke of the hardships but anyone can guess how difficult it was for her to raise you and work. Eventually I moved here from South Korea to help her around the house and she agreed to my help except when it came to you. She wanted to take care of you herself and not miss a moment of you growing up.” 

“She’s very stubborn.” Keith remembers her photos changing after Liam’s passing. He’s not a photographer so he doesn’t know how to describe it but the mood became more poignant, more patient and pensive. The raw hungry desire isn’t there anymore, there’s no urgency but instead, it’s as if the photos were replaced with a more mature appreciation. The photos before Liam’s passing made Keith want to go out and grab a camera and just shoot something, anything but the ones afterwards made Keith stop to really stare at her photos, to understand what it was Kyra was trying to say through this single moment.  

“Too stubborn,” Mom laughs, remembering from experience just how difficult she can be. She was very attentive of Keith and became troubled at the littlest things like worrying every time he coughed, thinking he was sick or the room was too dusty or cold. “When Kyra passed away, she left behind a considerable sum of money from both her and Liam. She knew that I would look after you so she told me to use it for you.” 

“So this money is it.” 

“Of course, it’s more than it was back then since I put it in a savings account and the funds just accumulated but yes, your parents worked hard for this money to give you a comfortable life so it’s time I give it back to you.” 

Keith takes the ladle out of the pot, knowing from his years of stirring soup that it’s ready. “Mom…I can’t take this money. You should have it since you raised me.” 

“Keith, your parents would have wanted you to have it. Though some of it is actually from Uncle and me, as your graduation gift,” Mom says and Keith frowns in protest. She speaks up to soothe his scowl, “Keith, It’s always nice to have a bit of money on you.” 

“Mom, I can’t…” Keith insists. “You already took me on that Europe trip last year. I don’t need any more gifts from you and Uncle or Kyra and Liam.” He knows that if he has any financial trouble then Mom and Uncle would come through for him. They’re both financially comfortable so whether or not they have his late parents’ money doesn’t matter to them but it does to Keith. It feels weird to just accept a large sum of money like this under the guise that it’s his parents’ money. This Mom raised him on her own just like Kyra did, his parents—his biological ones and Mom—both went through a lot for him so he can’t just take their money like this. 

_It doesn’t feel right._

“You could have accepted the car from Uncle,” Mom points out jokingly. She doesn’t mention how Uncle loves Keith and was perplexed at what graduation gift to get him since Keith was so insistent on not needing a gift. So he decided on a car which is very typical of him and it was very typical of Keith to reject it. So Uncle resorted to money. 

“I already have a car,” Keith replies in defense. “And you got me that car too.” 

“Yeah but it’s an old car. This is a new one,” Mom replies in a matter-of-fact tone. Keith doesn’t relent with his frowning face. “You’ve graduated now so you’re going to have bigger decisions, bigger responsibilities. Sometimes, these big decisions are financial ones. I don’t want you to miss out because of money and your parents definitely don’t want you to be troubled because of it. It sounds conceited but if it’s a problem that money can solve then it’s not a problem to us,” Mom urges stubbornly and Keith knows that she’s not going to take the money back. 

She does have a point because with age comes more responsibilities and tough decisions but Keith thinks he can make do without their money. “How about you keep this money until I really need it then?” He lives in Mom’s home so he doesn’t pay rent and he doesn’t have to worry about his car either since she handles it so he really only has to worry about the internet and phone bills and meals which isn’t a big expenditure—cup noodles aren’t expensive. It sounds over-privileged but money isn’t a problem for him at this moment.    

“Keith, if you’re uncomfortable with money in your bank account then you can use it to invest or put it in another savings account. Just know that I’m not taking it back or else, Kyra would raise from her grave to strangle me.” Mom chuckles. 

“Kyra would never do that!” Keith objects, alarmed that Mom thinks Kyra would ever do that. Mom and Kyra have a close relationship so if anything, Kyra would come to Keith and tell him to look after Mom. “But okay, I’ll hold onto it for now. Tell me when you need it.”

Mom gives him a ridiculous look but Keith ignores it. “If you’d like then I do know this stock broker.” 

“No, Mom.” 

Investment is far from Keith’s understanding so he’s not going to touch that field. He just hears the horror stories of plummeting stocks and he knows he can’t take a risk like that with his parents’ money. 

“Is the soup ready?” Irene’s loud voice asks and they know she’s done setting the table and is waiting for the food to come out. 

It’s loud at dinner today because Mom, Irene, Auntie and Eric are joining them. He’s never felt the emptiness of eating by himself until now with the never-ending conversations at the dining table. He misses talking to everyone, seeing them face-to-face and telling them the small things that happen in his day. It brings him back to when he was in middle school and he misses those moments and the people in them. They’re his unconventional family who built this comfortable home for him and he honestly couldn’t ask for a better home.

 

***

 

Hunk is wanted at home promptly after graduation so Lance is alone in their apartment and has too much free time. He decides to invite his siblings who are in the city out for dinner. It’s rare for them to find time to get together but today, it’s almost a full house with Azura, Mira, Miles and Damian at the table. 

“You know Lance, since Hunk is back home you can live with Zura and I so you have company for your meals,” Damian suggests then he starts nagging about Lance’s _lazy_ eating habits which to Lance is absurd because his cooking habits can hardly be called lazy. “Plus, I can cook for you. Eating take out often isn’t good for you.”

“I don’t eat out _that much_. I cook more than I eat out,” Lance complains and Damian shakes his head, unhappy with his _‘cook more than he eats out’_ comment. For someone who wants to go into culinary, he shouldn’t be discouraging people from eating out. Lance meets Azura’s glaze and gives her a dreaded, _‘is he always like this?’_ look. 

“Welcome to my life,” Azura jokes, her tone implying _‘now you know my pain.’_   

“Oh how the tables have turned!” Mira teases, nudging Damian, telling him to loosen up but he doesn’t respond with a playful nod like he usually does. The frown is ever evident on his face, showing his disapproval at their teasing.    

“Okay, change of topic since Damian cooks for me and I need him—” 

“You’re so thoughtful!” Damian interjects bitterly and Azura shushes him. Damian shrinks back into his seat, pouting while he stuffs his face with fries. 

“I do appreciate your cooking though,” Azura offers helplessly at Damian’s sulking but his scowl doesn’t lighten up. “Anyways, Keith doesn’t seem as awkward as I thought he would be.” 

“Hey, do you have to use Keith for the sake of changing the conversation?” Lance raises his voice in irritation. 

There’s a brief moment of silence with Miles looking at Mira for clarification, Azura scowling at Lance for an explanation about his foul behavior and Damian looking uncomfortable. Seeing everyone’s reaction, Lance realizes that he might have let his emotion get the better of him so he takes a deep breath to calm down. 

He needs to get a hold of his emotions and go back to being himself. 

Hearing Keith’s name caused Lance to remember their last conversation before Pidge interrupted them. Lance doesn’t like how it ended. He wanted them to leave on a happier note, with them wholeheartedly wishing each other good luck but it ended in Keith misunderstanding Lance’s joke. The regret and uncomfortable feelings reminded Lance of their break-up. It was an upsetting memory to Lance with everything going wrong at the end and he wish he could rewrite it but instead, he’s making more bitter memories to throw on top of it. 

So with that, this is their good-bye to each other. 

And Lance doesn’t like it at all. 

Drawing his attention to Azura’s glare, he doesn’t take a step back. His statement still stands: he doesn’t want to talk about Keith nor does he want Azura to use him just to change topics.    

“I’m sure she didn’t mean any harm, Lance,” Miles reasons but Lance can’t relax. He invited them out to dinner to loosen up, not talk about Keith. If he talks about Keith with them then it’s going to turn into an interrogation which is not what he wants. 

“I’m not using him to change topics, I _do_ think he was different from what I imagined,” Azura states firmly, offended that Lance would think that but he isn’t even looking at her to see her genuine confusion. This is her being nice and not bringing up his shameless staring. She can tell something’s up with them but she also knows Lance’s awful tendency to run and hide from his problems—which is evident in his relationship with Dad. 

From what she sees, she knows Dad is stricter with Lance but it’s also because of his careless and sensitive personality. If Lance can stop avoiding Dad and just talk to him for a few minutes then he’ll see that Dad means well. When they’re having small talks then it’s okay, they’re okay with each other. They even share some good laughs but when their conversation veers into more sensitive domains then Lance shuts down and shuts Dad off. It all started when Lance came out about his sexuality and then him moving away to university afterwards didn’t help the situation. The bad timing didn’t give Dad a chance to understand Lance after coming out so Azura can see that Dad is stuck and confused as well. Though to be fair to Lance, Dad isn’t the best with his delivery of words so she understands why Lance didn’t take Dad’s questions too well. But still, Dad is doing what he can for Lance but Lance isn’t doing all that he can to help. 

Lance’s down-casted eyes tells Azura that he doesn’t believe her and the situation gets quiet because both of them aren’t budging from the cold war they started. 

Thankfully, Mira comes to the rescue. She’s used to this since Azura and Lance do have these awkward stand-offs occasionally because Lance’s always been guarded and particular about certain things but to explode like this is very surprising. She suspects it’s because Lance is still very sensitive about Keith or else he wouldn’t be standing his ground like this. Mira also knows Azura would fearlessly face her problems so she has a hard time understanding why Lance can’t. Lance’s feelings are delicate and Azura is too clumsy to help him. 

Mira kicks Azura under the table, telling her to _shut up_ and brings up, “Oh yeah, Cece told me to tell you this: _‘banana tree.’_ I can’t say I know what it means though.” 

Lance nods with a happy grin, understanding what Celia means completely. “It’s fine, I know what she means. Looks like I have to head back home soon.” 

He’s much rather talk about banana trees than Keith so he takes Mira’s bait to change the topic and put off this weird moment with Azura. He thinks back to the senior home and smiles. Somehow, the seniors managed to do the impossible by planting a banana tree. It’s probably grown to a considerable heights if they feel the need to rub it in his face because he was insistent on it being impossible to plant a banana tree given their non-tropical climate. But as Celia said, it’s possible if they put their hearts into it. Now Lance has to go and see what their heart is made of for it to cause the tree to grow. 

Mira watches Lance’s lightened mood and smiles, glad that he’s back to his usual spirit. 

“How come a banana tree makes you come home?” Damian asks, curious. 

“Come volunteering with us and you’ll find out. And bring Ella too.” 

“I _do_ come with you guys,” Damian protests then blushes at the mention of his girlfriend and mutters in a shy voice, “And I’ll see if Ella is up for it.” 

“Yeah, hopefully she gets you out of the community kitchen,” Lance rejoinders and Damian frowns. Lance holds up to his part of the deal with Damian to help Celia and Ella get along. Though Celia might not like the prospect of Ella volunteering with them since volunteering is her happy space and Ella does not make Celia happy but a happy Damian makes her happy so he hopes Damian will balance everything out. Lance is only suggesting this set-up now because Celia isn’t here so he can avoid having two angry sisters on his case.  

Azura, the sister who’s currently on his case, speaks up and Lance watches her cautiously. “Are you volunteering now?” 

Curt and blunt perfectly describes Azura’s manner of speech. She’s acting like their whole stand-off a few minutes earlier didn’t happen which doesn’t faze Lance since he doesn’t hold it against her—Azura has a funny way of caring for him which involves pushing him into a corner so he can face his problems. Though it still makes him angry when Azura takes it too far but she knows when to apologize, although the apology can be long overdue and the only thing he gets is a gift and a simple handwritten _“I’m sorry”_ in a blank card. Sometimes he doesn’t even get an apology but her initiating more conversations and trying to make things okay—which is what she’s doing right now.

Lance begrudgingly forgives her and replies to her even if there is no _I’m sorrys_ or gifts. “Yeah, I’ve been volunteering at a women’s shelter. I give presentations and help facilitate workshops on things like making good resumes or interview tips or applying for government aid.” His supervisor praises him, saying that he’s a natural presenter and he’s good at making the audience feel comfortable so they’ve been giving him more freedom with his slides and how he wants to run the workshops. It’s easy for him to communicate with people and he likes seeing them have confidence in their job or school interviews so volunteering has been a good experience for him. 

“What brought up this interest? I remember you just started volunteering with Celia last summer,” Miles asks. 

“It’s simple.” Lance pauses to think of the reason carefully but ends up at the same conclusion. “I like to help people. Volunteering is very meaningful and I want to continue doing it if I can,” Lance answers earnestly. If he could, he would volunteer forever. To be able to help people is a blessing in itself and Lance is grateful to be blessed with the opportunity. 

“You can make a career out of it,” Miles suggests and Lance looks at him, waiting for him to take back his words and call it a joke because that was a crazy suggestion. Instead, Miles gives him a confident nod, daring Lance to venture into that possible career prospect. 

“That’s what Celia said too but…” 

“But…?” Miles repeats. 

Lance shrugs, never having thought of working in not-for-profit or a social enterprise. “It never crossed my mind to try it out.” 

It’s a big thing, a big step and a big change to even think about. It’s a big difference from his easy bar job and Lance doesn’t know if he’s up for something so radical. 

“You can start thinking about it now,” Mira recommends and Lance’s face scrunches in deep and uncomfortable thought. 

“It’s not a stable field though. Funding is never secured so they don’t offer a lot of full time permanent positions,” Azura says objectively, worried about Lance delving into this career and hitting a dead end.   

Mira agrees, “True, most of it is contracted work though it’s worth the experience if it’s a field you want to pursue.” 

Damian and Lance exchange looks as the adults talk to each other. Sometimes Lance feels like a child because he can’t join in on their conversation, however, because this topic is about him, it makes him even more hesitant to engage in it. So he prefers to stay in the children lane with Damian and gawk at the adults. 

“How short are the contracts?” Miles asks. 

“Usually around 3-6 months,” Mira replies. Miles’ face drops, not liking how short the contracts are. 

Lance nods, taking note of this possible career. “I’m actually liking the sound of it. If I don’t like the job then I know to avoid it and if I do like it then I can work with different organizations until I can secure a job,” Lance says, liking the sound of this prospective career more and more because it’s a win-win situation regardless of whether he likes the career or not. He doesn’t have to be committed to it so this has Lance already racing towards it. 

“That sounds like a good plan,” Damian comments, giving Lance a thumbs-up. 

“I know a few people in that field, do you want me to connect you guys?” Miles offers and Lance nods vigorously. Miles is starting to feel more and more like family now with how involved he’s getting in their business.   

“That would be awesome. Thanks but you adults need to stop tag-teaming me about this career.” Lance chuckles and Miles shakes his head with a grin. 

Damian mutters, “My school also offers a pastry program.” 

Everyone at the table laughs because Damian is _still_ going on about the pastry chef idea. Damian’s studying to be a chef, Azura and Mira have their set paths and they all know Poppy isn’t going to go into pastry so it’s just Lance and Celia left. 

“Thanks for the thought, Dami.”

 

***

 

Lance gets an email from Keith with the photos from Keith’s commencement. In the email, Keith congratulates him for finishing undergraduate again and for some reason to Lance, it sounds like a sad good-bye. He stares at the photo, at the group shot and finally, at their solo shot. He enlarges their photo together and he lets himself stare at Keith, boldly and proudly. 

Keith’s expression is caught between laughter and confusion. It’s a very natural and cute shot of Keith since he usually looks alarmed when a camera is pointed at him. Then Lance sees himself, equally happy but also puzzled as if he didn’t know where to look—the camera or Keith. There’s the shy hand on Keith’s shoulder and Lance laughs because this photo literally screams discomfort but he’s glad he got this memory with Keith. It’s not Lance’s best moment with his winning smile but they’re both showing their raw, honest sides so it’s precious in its own way. 

He contemplates for the unnumbered time if they should have had a talk after their break-up, a debrief or something so they could ask their questions and move on. It’s just so awkward now and Lance knows it’s going to be a question he’ll ponder over and over again. With this musing, he wonders if he’s gotten over Keith if he’s still going on like this. 

All Lance does know is that he misses Keith. And he wonders if Keith misses him. 

There’s also another email from the person Miles introduced him to. They’re in the human resources department at this cancer support not-for-profit organization. They’re impressed with his resume and wants him to come in for an interview. Lance sits back and stares at the screen of his laptop, digesting the possible reality of working at this organization.   

 _Is not-for-profit something he wants to do?_

_Is this his calling?_  

He loves volunteering and remarks how time goes by so fast when he’s volunteering at the senior home and the women’s shelter. He loves presenting and answering their questions. It’s okay if he doesn’t know the answer and can’t answer them because he can always go home and research then tell them the next time he’s in. The glow in their eyes when he gives them the answer is priceless because he remembered, he didn’t forget them and they’re eternally grateful for his small gesture of kindness. 

The place gives him a chance to be unsure and then figure out the answer on his own. It allows him to grow and he feels valued and appreciated.   

Even though not-for-profit may not be a long-term thing but right now, he feels positive about it. 

It’s exhausting to think about a totally new career, one that he hasn’t given much thought about but at same time, he’s excited for what’s to come. 

He hits reply and responds back with enthusiasm, asking for the next steps in the interview. 

For now, he’ll delve into this unforeseen future steadily: he’ll enter the adult world of paying bills slowly but surely, at his own pace. 

If things don’t work out then it’s not the end of the world, he can always look elsewhere. 

He has to remember that it’s _not_ now-or-never. 

 _It’s not now-or-never._

_He has time to try new things like this._

 

***

 

Keith puts his book down, finally getting to the last few pages. He doesn’t remember the last time he read for fun in the corner of his own room on his beanbag but luckily, he still remembers the feeling of satisfaction, of unwinding down to finally relax. He loves to read and Mom reading to him is one of the earliest memories he has of his life. He loves going through the adventures with the characters in the story, he loves having this kaleidoscope of emotions for the characters he loves. He’s living so many lives, learning so many things through books. 

It’s been so long since he’s had time for himself, to truly be alone and comfortable in his mind with his own thoughts. With graduation comes the many congratulations and it throws him off. He’s grateful for everyone’s well-wishes but he’s tired of replying to everyone and just…socializing. In a week, he’s going to England for sightseeing and ultimately, to attend Irene’s graduation. Before that craze creeps up on him then he needs to get away from everything, from everyone and the commotion. So here he is, in his room with the company of a good book. 

If he was going to follow his original plan then he’d be waiting for the results from the archival studies graduate programs. Being an archivist sounds so foreign to him now, almost unrecognizable while being an international aid worker sounds so right, so appealing to him. It’s hard to change his career but to Keith, the change is worth it. Now that his dream is different and his job isn’t something he can get with higher education, he has to change tactics and get his dream job through experience. So aside from volunteering in the emergency department of the hospital, he’s also been asking Lucas what skills he’d need to be suitable for the job and then he’ll fine-tune it through volunteering or working. Though it’s hard planning the next blueprint for his life because Lucas’ emails are getting slower and less frequent because he started his project in the middle-east. So Keith’s been on his own for a while and doing independent research. 

He’s aimless in this deep, dark void of the future and admittedly, it’s a scary feeling.

This fright reminds him of when he started university without Irene. She’s always been with him through these big moments, talking for him when he didn’t know what to say, introducing him to her friends so when she’s not here, he’s frazzled. Of course, they can’t be together forever so Keith had to learn to do things on his own but it’s always nice to have her around. 

When he became a university freshman, his first goal was to make a friend—it’s a simple task but it was incredibly hard for Keith, especially when Pidge and Shiro weren’t in his classes. They were the only friends he made on his own and he’s proud of that but it wasn’t enough for him to ignore the loneliness that crept up. The isolation got worse whenever he ran into Shiro and the friends he made from frosh week or Pidge constantly telling him stories about the crap her and her lab mate gets into in the computer labs. 

Being alone is nice but sometimes, Keith wanted a friend to talk to, a friend to save a seat for him when he’s running late, a friend to peg for notes and make dumb jokes with in class. Sure he had friends from high school like Nirosh who sat with him in biochemistry but they only talked or sat beside each other out of convenience. Keith wanted more than that. 

 _He wanted a friend._

_And then came Lance._  

Keith isn’t sure why Lance approached him in their second year Latin and Greek vocabulary class—he thought it was an honest mistake on Lance’s part like maybe he mistook Keith for someone else, but somehow, Lance remembered him at the freshman frat party that Pidge dragged him to during frosh week. All Keith remembered from the party was Pidge wanting to experience a party as some rite of passage to university so he came with her. He didn’t expect to enter the living room of the frat house to see Lance throwing off his shirt because he lost at strip beer pong. Keith was surprised to learn from Pidge who learned from someone else that Lance was a first year because he was popular and seemed like he’s been there forever with how he got along with everyone by the over-friendly and complicated handshakes. He couldn't have met everyone in just under a week but he did and Keith was in total awe.

Needless to say, Keith didn’t have the best first impression of flamboyant Lance. So it was surprising that their first talk after class—which Keith learned later on that it was deliberately planned by Lance—Keith didn’t think Lance was a bad guy. He’s a little loud but he seemed like a fun guy to be around. And true to Keith’s instinct, Lance was more than just a frat boy. Lance is passionate about what he loves and his passion shone through when the professor gave him a personal shout-out for getting one of the highest marks on the midterm. His enthusiasm is one thing but what really made Keith grow fond of Lance is his heart of gold. Lance is one of the most considerate and selfless person Keith has had the fortune of knowing and loving. Keith is so very lucky to meet Lance and have him care for Keith. 

After meeting Lance, Keith tried to be a good friend and have him like Keith—in a platonic manner because his romantic feelings came afterwards and even those feelings were difficult for Keith to understand and accept. Never in his wildest dreams did he expect Lance to have mutual feelings for Keith and he’s still confused as to how it happened but he’s learned not to question it anymore because Lance either used the opportunity to tease Keith or was too shy to explain why. 

Being with Lance gave Keith a lot of firsts: first university friend, first boyfriend, first love and first break-up. 

Despite their break-up and weird fallout and the weirder, foreign feelings Keith got when he’s around Lance, he means a lot to Keith. So Keith also learns to accept that things happen, things change and people can’t help but be swept up by the current of change—another first that Lance gave Keith. 

When Keith contemplates their break-up, he realizes that it seemed so inevitable. It makes Keith wonders if him and Lance were inevitably not meant to be together, if they were inevitably meant to break-up. 

He’s not okay with how they ended but he’s not sad about it anymore. 

He’s just disappointed and sorry. 

His phone goes off in the middle of his thoughts and he has to put his book down to walk across his room and fetch it. It’s a text message. 

Shiro: Are you down to meet this Thursday? 

Keith hesitates to ask but as if Shiro read his mind, a new text comes in.

Shiro: With the crew? 

Keith’s stomach sinks at the new information. It’s been a month since his graduation and time didn’t do much to help the queasy feeling he gets when he’s out with everyone; the feeling is worse when Lance or Hunk is there. Things are still awkward with Lance, which is understandable, but he’s finding it difficult to be with Hunk too. Hunk’s funny and good to have around but he’s also Lance’s best friend. Keith knows Hunk doesn’t treat him differently since he’s his friend too but Keith can almost hear Hunk tiptoeing around certain topics because of his friendship with Lance so it’s unpleasant for Keith. 

Now, the whole group dynamic is different too. Simple things like choosing where to sit is something Keith has to consider now because he doesn’t want to sit across from Lance but he doesn’t want to sit beside him either. And of course, some conversations have to be avoided and some are forced and he’s just uncomfortable with the situation. 

He quickly replies to the text message because if he puts it off then he’ll forget to do it later and this has happened many times before. 

Keith: Sorry, I can’t make it. I have to go shopping with Mom for some things. 

Things aren’t the same anymore and he doesn’t want to be in those awkward situations. So there has been some small, incredibly small, white-lies to avoid hanging with them—though sometimes, he can’t make it for legitimate reasons but he thinks they don’t care anymore and just accepts his absence which he is perfectly fine with. 

He gets an instant reply and immediately feels bad. 

Shiro: Aww :( 

His heart pinches at Shiro’s reply. He does miss them but he’s prioritizing himself and right now, he wants to be comfortable. 

Keith: Sorry, things have been busy since I gotta leave for England next week. 

He just hopes that they’ll have fun this Thursday. 

Shiro: It’s fine. We haven’t seen you lately so we miss you. Let us know when you’re free. 

Keith smiles, glad that they’re giving him his space. 

Keith: Thank you. I miss you guys too. 

Keith puts his phone on silent and face down on his desk. He takes a deep breath then walks over to sit back on the beanbag and finally picks up on where he left off in the book. Right now, he needs to drop the responsibilities and worries of being Keith Kogane and be someone else. So he chooses to be the hero in the story in search for a dead Welsh king.

 

***

 

“You know Pidge, if you didn’t want to go out with your coworkers then you could have said ‘no,’” Lance advises sarcastically, picking at his garlic knot. This bakery is known for making very good garlic knots and while it’s nice that Pidge is treating him today but he did not imagine spending his evening like this. 

“It’s not that easy. I can’t offend these people or else work will be hell but I don’t want go out with them every week,” Pidge mumbles, resting the side of her face on the table to mourn. It’s not like she doesn’t like her coworkers, they’re friendly, but she sees them for the most part of the day so it’s crossing the line when they want to go out after work. Sometimes, she thinks they love each other _too much_. 

When Pidge got the offer to join the business security department at this big bank, she thought an analyst job would be good for a junior developer like her to grow—though she can hardly be considered a ‘junior’ but she’s a chick fresh out of school that needs a big company’s backing. But instead of developing codes—which isn’t even a part of her job, she’s more worried about maintaining her corporate life. Even though she’s only been working here for two months, she learned early on that work is more than just making sure no one takes her lunch in the fridge but it’s also maintaining work relations and begrudgingly going to social events. 

And since she works in a team then it’s important that they have a good relationship with each other so she can’t reject too many outings or they’ll get personally offended. Though her manager might be too friendly with her when he offered her his beer the last time they went bowling. He’s a cool guy but she’s not comfortable sharing a beer with her manager. 

Dealing with people, Pidge thinks, can be such a pain sometimes. 

Lance complains, “When I got your SOS text to call you _asap_ , I thought it was something serious.” 

Pidge rolls her eyes because _it is serious._ Usually, she would call Keith for help because he understands her dilemma better than extroverted Lance but they're not even in the same continent right now; he should be trekking on some hill in Ireland so he’s no help. She was worried for him before he left because he’s been weird and distant lately so she gave him space and waited for him to come back when he’s ready—which never happened. 

Lance was close by and willing to help so she asked him to get her out of going axe-throwing with her coworkers. 

“It was serious. I’ve been going out with my co-workers every week.”  She deadpans then lifts her head to take a sip of her coffee, needing the energy to complain. “We have company, department _and_ team outings. That is too much.” 

Lance grimaces out of sympathy. While he loves going out with his friends at the bar, he also understands where Pidge is coming from. He knows Pidge would gladly bolt home after work but work is more than just getting through an 8 hour shift every day and doing what her contract tells her. She has to go out with her coworkers once in a while to maintain the dynamic in her office, especially since she’s part of a security team. She has to put in more efforts to maintain the good relations to make sure they make good progress as a collective whole. 

 _“So how is our dog, Rover, doing?”_ Lance teases, chuckling now. Pidge smiles at the mention of their beloved dog. 

Pidge lied and said her dog, Rover, was at the vet for an emergency. To make the lie more believable then Lance actually went to her company to pick her up—though she thinks he did this for his own entertainment because he wanted to be dramatic and panic over their dog but she got out of the outing so she’s not complaining. Though she’s going to have to explain to her coworkers tomorrow about Lance and emphasis that he’s not her boyfriend—which is gross and she can’t believe she has to entertain that morbid thought.

“Your coworkers seem nice when I met them,” Lance adds, remembering her coworkers when he was waiting in the lobby. They were with her until he rescued her so their actions speak to some degree of loyalty and kindness. 

“They are nice but they treat me like I’m five because I’m the youngest,” Pidge grumbles. It’s super annoying because she can hear him changing the tone in their voice when they find out how old she is or that she _just_ graduated. They even offered to buy her a drink when their wages are practically the same. In her opinion, it’s a bit rude but she doesn’t feel comfortable calling them out for it. 

“You should show them your codes then you’ll be a senior there.” 

Pidge smirks, hitching her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “Soon Lance but not now because I can’t upstage them yet. It’s also annoying because I’m so monitored. They watch every word I type and track what I say using the company wifi—can you believe that?” 

Pidge’s voice gets louder with every complaint, showing her distress and Lance laughs. It’s very impressive that Pidge got into such a well-known and sought after company straight after graduation—which shows her calibre as a developer but there are ups and downs with working for a big or small company. Lance experienced this first-hand when he moved from a small, local bar to an upscale bar in a five star hotel. The pay’s obviously better but with the extra money comes more restrictions and responsibilities. 

“It’s corporate life, Pidge. You have to sacrifice some things to work in a big company,” Lance tells her and she sighs. “Anything else you want to say? Now’s your chance.” 

“And one last thing—my employee picture sucks!” 

“But your job is fun, at least?” Lance says, trying to find some positivity behind the job. 

Pidge’s face scrunches with contemplation, trying to find the appropriate answer. “I don’t know.” Lance arches his eyebrow in surprise and Pidge continues, “So far, I’m not really coding. I’m mostly checking codes and sending my feedback to the developer to make sure the company trading system works the way we want it to. I also make sure our trading platforms are up and running. Other times, I tweak our security to see if it’s too tight. To be honest, being a business security analyst is a weird job.” 

Lance has no idea what Pidge is saying when she mentions trading systems but she doesn’t sound too happy with her duties. “I always thought you’d go into development.” 

“Some day I’ll get there but for now, I’ll look at the business aspects.” 

In a sense, Pidge seems to have matured within the last two months of graduation. She’s easing into the adult life and learning the hardship of compromises. The job may not be ideal for her but she’s putting up with her job because she believes the experience will help. It’s a very mature thing to do. 

Work can be a hit or miss. The job can be perfect but the coworkers suck or the management is cold and unwelcoming. Sometimes it can be hard getting all three aspects to work out. Lance is lucky enough to love his job at the bar with a loving management and awesome coworkers so he is hesitant to leave this goldmine but he already has interviews for some not-for-profit organizations lined up. At the very least, he’s happy to know that he has potential outside of the bar.

“So how are things with your Dad?” Pidge questions. His relationship with his Dad is an open secret in their group but at the graduation, they didn’t seem awkward. 

Lance’s face turns a bit sour—though it’s a very subtle change but Pidge notices. “He popped the idea of moving back home again since a new bar opened up and they’re hiring.” Lance shrugs, not really knowing what else to say. Whenever the conversation is about his Dad then it becomes short and hopeless. 

“And…?” 

Lance looks at Pidge’s inquisitive face. Of course she can’t read his mind so she doesn’t understand Lance’s complicated relationship with his Dad—Lance doesn’t even understand it himself so how can he articulate it to other people? 

Lance takes a deep breath then explains, “I know he’s looking out for me—” He shrugs again and his voice gets more faint—“He wants to see me home more often but it’s like…every time he gives me advice, it makes me feel small.”

Pidge frowns, understanding how someone can have good intentions but their ways of expressing care isn’t uplifting. Things become harder when that person is a family member. “Did you tell him?” 

“How am I supposed to bring it up?” Lance says helplessly. _“Your advices suck. It makes me feel even shittier so I would appreciate if you’d stop giving it?”_

Now Pidge is in a difficult situation because how else is Lance supposed to tell his Dad? “That’s tough…” Pidge trails off, sounding helpless and stumped just like Lance did a few moments ago. 

“I know he cares but our ways of communication, of how we do things clash. If that’s the case then it’s better if we have some distance so we don’t argue all the time and keep our relationship positive.” 

“It sounds like you’ve thought this through,” Pidge remarks, proud of Lance for sounding so grown-up. 

Their relationship requires a lot of compromises but Lance is willing to go through with it because he wants to be on good terms with his Dad. He doesn’t want their relationship to ruin the family dynamic and Lance cares for his family more than anything. It’s hard to get along with such a big family, with so many people, especially when they all have different and strong personalities but Pidge can see how much they care for each other through their interactions and she knows they wouldn’t mind taking a few steps back for the sake of their family. 

“Of course I put a lot of thought into it,” Lance comments. “He’s my father, he’s family so I don’t want things to be awkward. We just don’t match and that’s fine. I know he cares…I just wish he’d kind of…leave me alone. I’m doing my own thing at my own pace and I’m well and happy. And it’s not like I’m never coming back, the town is like an hour drive away so I can come visit whenever and let him know I’m okay.” 

Though maintaining this relationship with his Dad is easier said than done. Lance understands that Dad grew up in a different era. He grew up in a time where political uprising and social unrest was normal. Lance understands his need for security and stability after all he’s been through but they’re not in communism Cuba anymore. Lance doesn’t value security and stability like his Dad does and this gap in their values tears them apart. It also doesn’t help that Lance doesn’t seem as confident or capable as his other siblings are so Dad does keep a tighter leash on him. But it’s not like Lance can tell his Dad this. Their relationship did get better at graduation so Lance wants to keep things the way they are. 

“Personally, I do see him looking out for you in his weird, grumpy way—” Lance frowns at Pidge’s description of his Dad and she smiles apologetically. “You know what I mean. Anyways…it seems you know how to deal with this situation so that’s good.” Pidge doesn’t want Lance thinking his Dad hated him since everyone can see that his Dad does care in his own subtle way. Sometimes Lance can get touchy and blinded by his own feelings so she wants to make sure he knew. “Though, when you go back home then tell me! I want to come.” 

Lance stares at her dumbfounded. “You want to come to my town? Why? There’s nothing there.” 

Pidge looks at him alarmingly. “Are you kidding me?” She bellows and Lance has motion for her to keep her voice down which she ignores and eagerly exclaims, “There’s nature, beautiful and green nature in your town!” 

This is the person who looks at Lance strangely every time he wants to take the stairs instead of the escalators at the subway station. Lance also believed that Pidge had a pollen allergy for the longest time because of an extended April fools prank and he fell for it because Pidge made it seem so real; she avoided going out unless she needed to. Now she’s telling Lance she willingly wants to go out and explore the great outdoors—if this isn’t a prank then Lance is sure he’s in an alternative universe. 

“Are you sick?” 

Lance bursts out laughing when Pidge’s expression does a 180 from pure enthusiasm to plain mockery. “Ha ha, laugh all you want,” Pidge groans. 

“No seriously, what brought this on?” Lance probes. “Did one of my siblings catch your eye? Mira and Damian are taken, just letting you know.” 

Pidge rolls her eyes and considers pouring salt in his coffee so he knows what true suffering is. “On a more serious note—something you might lack the capability of understanding—I’m starting to appreciate the fresh air more since I’m locked in a cubicle, staring at a screen all day in busy and polluted downtown.” 

Lance sees that Pidge is actually serious about going out and getting away from the city so he needs some time to get used to this green Pidge. “If you’d like then I’m leaving next week, at the end of August. I volunteered at a senior’s home last summer and I said they couldn’t plant a banana tree but they did so I’m going to see if it actually true or if it’s a ploy to get me to visit them.” 

Lance shakes his head, smiling at thoughts about the seniors. Lance treats them like actual children since they can be so silly sometimes; they need the codling and the flattery to get them to eat lunch, they remember the promises you make and get mad when you forget them. 

“You’re really welcomed there,” Pidge comments, chuckling. Even if it was the senior’s ploy to get Lance to visit them then even if there’s a banana tree or not, he’s already there so either way, their plan is going to be successful. 

Pidge stares at Lance, happy that he likes volunteering. He was restless during his final lap of school and seemed like he was ready to give up at any given minute but every time he had a volunteer shift then he was excited for the workshops. Even if volunteering cut down on his work hours but he gladly made the sacrifice so it was nice seeing Lance have something to look forward to. 

Lance is someone who can do a great job if it involves interacting with people; the people loves him and he loves listening to their stories. He has the capability to work independently and he adapts well in a team environment so the doors of opportunity readily open for him. His flexibility allows him to strive in any environment but at the same time, without any goal then he gets confused and lost. Usually, a person’s skill can lead them to a particular career but when they’re well-rounded like he is then it really is a dead-end in this long, tedious path called life. 

Lance beams, glad to see that his love for volunteering is getting acknowledged and it means more coming from his friends. He didn’t tell his friends yet about his potential future in not-for-profit since he, himself, wasn’t too sure of it himself. However, now that he has interviews scheduled next week then he can’t hide it any longer.

A little part of him was scared of his friends looking down at him for pursuing an unstable career where he isn’t guaranteed the riches. It’s silly but Lance doesn’t want to feel belittled so he withheld this information from them except for Hunk—though it’s hard hiding it from Hunk since they live together but Hunk would have found out eventually since they talk so much. He’s been the best supporter so far and has encouraged Lance to tell them so he thinks it’s time. 

“So Pidge, I do have some interviews next week…” Lance trails off, staring at the rest of his garlic knot in fascination. 

Pidge raises an eyebrow at Lance’s sudden confession, confused because _what interviews_? “For…?” 

“Some not-for-profit organizations.” 

Pidge’s eyebrows furrow deeper into confusion and she clarifies, “Job interviews?” 

Lance nods, looking innocent with his eyes glowing hopeful and repeats with confidence, “Yeah, job interviews.” 

“Woah, hold up. Put on the brakes,” Pidge states, slamming her hand on the table. She reaches over to snatch the garlic knot from his hands so his attention is on her. “You’re changing jobs?” 

“Pidge, I’m not speaking Spanish,” Lance teases. He yelps when Pidge takes a big bite from his garlic knot to show how serious she is. “Okay, okay yeah, I’m thinking of changing jobs.” 

“You just started volunteering and now you want to work in the field? I thought you liked working at the bar?” 

“I do, I love the bar but I feel like…” Lance pauses, unsure of how to explain this weird pulsing excitement inside of him. “I want to challenge myself. I love volunteering and I want to try it out. You know, see if I’m cut out for it.” 

Lance isn’t known to be much of a risk-taker; sure he snuck out in high school while his family was asleep but that was high school so the consequences weren’t that big. This is a job change. This is making rent money and still having enough for food and leisure. The stakes are higher and Lance is scared of things going wrong but he wants to try it. 

Lance always downplays the important stuff so Pidge didn’t even know he loved volunteering that much. So this new information is catching her off guard. She doesn’t understand what he means by being “cut-out of for it” since she knows he’ll do well but stays quiet because she doesn’t want him to reconsider his choices after making such a big jump. More than anything, she wants to encourage this small bud of confidence blooming in him. 

“Good luck at the interviews, I’m sure you’ll ace it,” Pidge says and Lance nods, grateful for her reassurance. “What brought on this change though?” 

Lance tilts his head, trying to figure out what was the catalyst to this decision. Maybe it was when Celia took him volunteering and he willingly came to the 9am sessions without a fuss. Or maybe it was this thirst in him to volunteer during the schoolyear because he needed to volunteer, to give back to the community or else it makes him unsettled—this urge mirroring his crazy need to balance his academics with his math and classical civilization majors. He didn’t know when the change happened but he just felt something inside of him, telling him to do it, to try a not-for-profit career and help those in need. If Lance can bring a smile to people’s faces and make an impact in their life then he would be happy with his. 

“I actually don’t know,” Lance admits honestly. “It was a bunch of things coming together like graduation, volunteering and going through the break-up that I realized—” Lance stops, not sure how to explain this process in his life, this strange awakening. “I realized I couldn’t continue living like that. I can’t keep moping, I can’t just let things happen but I should take action and make it happen. I should do things that motivate me, that makes me want to get up early to go to work.” 

“Sounds like you’ve got quite the awakening,” Pidge teases and Lance chuckles. 

“Yeah, I did. I felt like I was doing things wrong. Like the things I studied interests me but they aren’t related to my career. I can’t imagine myself studying math theories or studying classics on a graduate level but with volunteering, I can imagine myself doing it as a long-term thing,” Lance explains, a bit ashamed of his insight. 

People go to school to further themselves, to get the job they want but Lance went to school to study the things he likes but has no relations to his future. It’s a backward way of doing things but for some reason, despite the shame, Lance doesn’t regret his academic choices. He did like what he studied so he did get _something_ out of it, he just wished he could have put it to more use. 

Pidge sees a complicated expression on Lance’s face, he’s troubled. “I wouldn’t say it’s wrong to do things that way…” 

 “Well, it isn’t right either.” 

To Pidge, it may not be wrong but to Lance, he can’t see it as being right either. 

Pidge shrugs, not agreeing with Lance but not knowing how to prove her point. “These things can’t be split into right or wrong; people do things differently so you’re doing it your own way, the Lance way. I mean, you’re going somewhere with the knowledge you got from studying so that’s something.” 

Lance chuckles softly and mutters, “The Lance way.” 

“Right, the Lance way,” Pidge asserts. “And that knowledge has gotten you to try out not-for-profit which you still have to tell me about.” 

Lance’s eyes dart to his watch, telling him that the café closes in five minutes and this conversation definitely isn’t going to be done by then. Plus, the people behind the front desk want them out of their café since they’ve been here for almost two hours already. 

When Lance and Pidge catch up then they need at least an entire day to fill each other in because they keep cutting each other off with their snarky remarks. “Let’s go get another coffee and we can talk somewhere else—” Lance leans in and speaks in a lower tone, “They’re closing soon and the lady keeps staring at us.”

Pidge snorts and nods her head. It’s probably because Lance works in customer service but he’s always so considerate of the service workers and forgets that he’s a customer right now, not the one behind the counter. “Let’s go over to my place and order pizza and you can tell me the whole story during dinner.” 

Lance scowls at her luxurious idea of dinner. “Really, pizza?” 

“It’s better than me cooking,” Pidge replies knowingly. Cooking is still one of the adult things she has yet to master but right now is not the time for that. “You shouldn’t be talking, you texted me last week because you didn’t know how to clean your toaster—which by the way, there’s a crumb tray at the bottom that you take out to throw away the crumbs.” 

Lance is blown away by this knowledge because how come he didn’t know about this crumb tray? He almost considered buying a new toaster because he didn’t know how to clean it and it was so dirty. Adulthood is truly a magical journey for both of them. 

“So what’s for dinner then?” Lance asks again, hoping for a better answer. 

“Pizza.” 

Lance rolls his eyes and sighs. “Alright, I’ll cook us dinner so I don’t give us food poisoning from trying to cook meat.” Damian’s constant badgering about healthy eating is rubbing off on him and even though Damian isn’t here to make sure Lance eats properly, he’s guilt into it. His brother is growing up to be one of the nastier siblings, courtesy of Azura. 

“That was one time, Lance,” Pidge protests. She gives him a warning look to not bring it up again and Lance understands her silent threat.

 

***

 

Keith double-checks his passport and the tickets again. Then he does a triple-check because he’s so jittery with excitement. Soon, he’s going to be waking up in a different bed and going to work on a global healthcare project. For once, he can’t wait to be in a new environment, he can’t wait for this change. He’s going to find himself in challenging and difficult situations but he’s thrilled to be a part of the process, the process helping the locals. 

After coming back from Irene’s graduation, Keith’s been home for barely two weeks but yet, he already finds himself exchanging good-byes with Mom, auntie and Eric at the airport—Irene’s already gone to Armenia for her volunteer placement so she couldn’t see him off. He insisted that they didn’t have to come to the airport but they came anyways. Mom looked like she didn’t want him to go with her hug lasting a bit longer than normal but she reluctantly let him walk through the gates—Keith chuckles because it’s such a Mom thing. 

Three months sound short but it’s ninety days of work, of adapting and learning in a new place with its own set of social standards and culture. He flips through his passport, at the stamps he’s collected so far. He’s seen so many places yet there’s still so much more to explore. It’s unreal with how much of the world is out there and the thought that he won’t be able to see it all saddens him. 

But Keith consoles himself that after he’s done, he’ll shortly be in Sri Lanka with Irene. He’ll have a whole new experience under his belt. It feels like he’s running a show with how busy his life is getting with time slipping through his fingers but it’s exhilarating because this is what his life in the global healthcare field is going to be like. Since things are going to be chaotic, he has to cherish the moment he has now, cherish whatever’s happening in his life and hope for the best. 

 

***

 

Lance leans back on the cushioned seat, running the interview questions through his head and practicing his answers. He came half an hour early to the job interview so he’s waiting in the longue for the reception to call him in. He knows the company history and goals so he’s not too worried about the introduction. He’s just unsure of how to present himself: should he be passionate? Or capable?

Aside from the interview jitters, he’s also nervous about what this all means in the grand scheme of things: him potentially leaving the bar, his safe haven for five years. The bar is practically his home with how comfortable he is there. When he walks in, he greets everyone fondly as if he just came home from a busy day at work to finally see his family and they reply back with the same warmth. He’s worked a few jobs to know how hard it is to find a job he likes, coworkers he get along with and a management that makes him want to stay. So there is remorse. 

There’s more remorse because he told the managers that he would stay on after graduation but the remorse pales in comparison to his resolute stance. This is something he has to do. There’s this strange feeling inside of him and he thinks it’s his drive, the one that’s telling him that he needs to do this. He needs to make this change or else he’ll be too comfortable. 

He needs to do something for himself, to give himself a challenge so he can get out of his comfort zone and learn more about himself in unimaginable ways. This is how he’ll be closer to who he wants to be, even if he doesn’t know who that person is yet. He has to take the risk and accept the consequences because there are consequences to him just standing cooped up and protected. Yet, Lance wasn’t prepared for the first step to feel like he’s freefalling into the deep unknown. Still, he forces himself to keep his eyes to the fall, not wanting to miss a single moment.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i do like this chapter because it showed both familial aspects to lance and keith. lance's happy family comes at a price that they're all willing to pay because they cherish and love each other that much. keith learning more about his amazing biological parents and being fascinated about them as if they were distant stars. and i think it's important to talk about what comes after graduation because so many things can happen—people can enter the workforce asap, go on a break, take a year off, go do more schooling or who are just lost without school regulating their lives so they start trying new things. a lot of things can happen and many of my friends are in that situation so it was fun to explore.
> 
> since it's the summer then i hope to get more chapters out :) the next two chapters are going to be a little bit different than usual so i'm still thinking of how to craft them but it's going to be fun. 
> 
> i hope everyone is enjoying their summer break thus far!!! 
> 
> thank you to everyone who stayed and as always, comments, kudos and subscriptions are welcomed :)


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